STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

bex · Chanel

over it...

Hermes

yep. been there. why do you think we ended just going to the courthouse then taking off to Tahiti for two weeks?

remember, that's thousands and thousands of dollars for a party and dress... and is it really for you or just for others who expect it of you? when I would picture my wedding, I just wanted to get married outside, have hordeourves and champagne, then take off for the honeymoon. even a simple set up like that was horribly expensive (at least at the places I was looking at - I mean $8,000 just for renting this old mansion that's nearby - didn't even include tables.) personally, I got to the point where I realized the party wasn't for us, it was for everyone else. I could think of a lot better ways to spend that money than for one day for a party. My mother wasn't happy because it was her opportunity to play martha stewart, but she wasn't paying for it either. I have no regrets

Alikat · Kate Spade

bex, you have a right to feel that way. It would be very hard to pay for a whole wedding... FH and I are only paying for 1/3 of ours and that seems like a lot. Have you thought about a destination wedding, or are you locked into your vendors?

The main reason we are doing the hometown, big wedding is because our parents would really like that. I'm the first of siblings to get married - and my parents and his parents are giving us money and lots of help (my mom is DIYing my dress and flowers) to support their desires.

However you decide to do it, just remember in the end the wedding is about you and FH.

tri_sarah_tops · Marc Jacobs

D wrote:

yep. been there. why do you think we ended just going to the courthouse then taking off to Tahiti for two weeks?

remember, that's thousands and thousands of dollars for a party and dress... and is it really for you or just for others who expect it of you? when I would picture my wedding, I just wanted to get married outside, have hordeourves and champagne, then take off for the honeymoon. even a simple set up like that was horribly expensive (at least at the places I was looking at - I mean $8,000 just for renting this old mansion that's nearby - didn't even include tables.) personally, I got to the point where I realized the party wasn't for us, it was for everyone else. I could think of a lot better ways to spend that money than for one day for a party. My mother wasn't happy because it was her opportunity to play martha stewart, but she wasn't paying for it either. I have no regrets

Couldn't agree more. This is exactly why DH and I were married by the office notary during my husband's lunch break (classy, right?!). At the time I thought that later I might regret not having a ceremony, but I never have. I love DH and we have a legalized commitment to each other and that's all that matters to me. I totally agree with D, if you don't want to do it, don't!

NCshopper · Hermes

tri_sarah_tops wrote:

D wrote:

yep. been there. why do you think we ended just going to the courthouse then taking off to Tahiti for two weeks?

remember, that's thousands and thousands of dollars for a party and dress... and is it really for you or just for others who expect it of you? when I would picture my wedding, I just wanted to get married outside, have hordeourves and champagne, then take off for the honeymoon. even a simple set up like that was horribly expensive (at least at the places I was looking at - I mean $8,000 just for renting this old mansion that's nearby - didn't even include tables.) personally, I got to the point where I realized the party wasn't for us, it was for everyone else. I could think of a lot better ways to spend that money than for one day for a party. My mother wasn't happy because it was her opportunity to play martha stewart, but she wasn't paying for it either. I have no regrets

Couldn't agree more. This is exactly why DH and I were married by the office notary during my husband's lunch break (classy, right?!). At the time I thought that later I might regret not having a ceremony, but I never have. I love DH and we have a legalized commitment to each other and that's all that matters to me. I totally agree with D, if you don't want to do it, don't!

Ditto! DH and I went to the courthouse and had two random people we pulled off the elevator be our witnesses. We had a beer and Wendy's afterward and it was fantastic. I don't regret it at all and we saved so. much. money.

I know there are plenty of reasons why people don't want to do a civil ceremony and that's totally justified, but if you're not enjoying the planning and you're spending all this money to make your guests happy, then it might be time to rethink things. This is your wedding and you should be enjoying it.

jj · Kate Spade

I was just talking to a girlfriend about this! She's newly engaged and isn't into all the details of the wedding - she doesn't care to spend hours analyzing all the flower options available, she just wants something nice. I was the exact same way.

Regarding the $$$, I was lucky because my parents paid for everything and wanted something really spectacular. Even so, there were days when I really didn't care about the flowers or food or pleasing great aunt marge and her expectations.

If I had to pay for everything, there is NO WAY I would have spent money on a big to-do. We would have eloped somewhere remote and had a small dinner party with close family and friends. We just aren't at the point in our lives like my parents are, with lots of disposable income. I would rather put the money towards a house or car. We have lots of amazing memories from our wedding day, but I seriously thank my parents all the time for allowing me to have them.

travelgirl · Kate Spade

Awww hon! I agree with everyone else and I find myself always urging people not to dump thousands into a wedding. My husband and I had a wedding but it was VERY small. I had to keep it to immediate family ONLY (our extended families are HUGE-all of our parents have 4 or more siblings, so just in aunts, uncles and cousins, it totals over 300!). I have to admit that many of my aunts were ticked off at me for not being invited but...whatever. I wouldn't have done it any other way.

I wore a simple dress (Jessica McClintock, I think) that I bought in a department store off the rack, my husband wore a suit. We got married in a cute little white church in my hometown on a Saturday morning. We had a cocktail and brunch reception at a charming restaurant nearby and then we jetted off to exotic Chicago (and you'll never believe this but the airline tickets were only $22 each way!) and we splurged and stayed at the Ritz Carlton for 3 days.

I think I planned the whole think over a weekend with the help of my mom. It worked out very well for us and I truly have NO REGRETS! I would much rather spend $30,000 on a down payment for house than for a wedding that is a pain in the ass to plan and like some of the others said, just a party for everyone else...just my two cents...keep us posted...HUGS!

bex · Chanel

okay... so i talked to my FH and I talked to one of my MoH's and they both thought i was being very frugal and not being over the top ridiculous. they both said that my budget for the wedding was great and that i was spending about 1/2 of what "normal american" weddings cost.

i guess i either really know what i want b/c i have no desire to go to wedding galas were thousands of crazy brides look for the "perfect" whatever or i'm over the whole process. i think i'm leaning towards the first...

i am excited to get our engagement photos done in january and i am excited to start working with smash on my invites in january... so i guess i'm excited about a few things.

and i also spoke to my mom about how stressed i was about paying for things. it was a hard convo b/c i am really independant when it comes to finances and i hate to pay for things.

she told me that she will help me out (yay!)! she is going to take care of the material for my dress (she's making it), the cake, any of the church things and the rehearsal dinner.

a few of my store managers in the area this week told me they have "Flower Factory" passes, so they will go with me to pick up items for my centerpieces for the reception. i'm going to make them myself. and one of my salesreps makes AMAZING chocolates and i am going to use his recipe to make my favors...

so, i guess i'll save in some arenas. i definitely splurged in some areas that deemed being splurged on...

thanks for letting me talk it out on here... i literally watched the "bridezilla" show on tv to make sure i wasn't being crazy bride...

and(!) i am going to want help on those centerpieces from our crafty STers!! i'll keep you posted.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I am so happy that you are feeling better about everything and it is terrific that your mom is willing to help out.

FYI though...traditionally the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. Not sure if they are still around or are unable to help, but that is always an option.

Good luck with everything!!

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

I feel/felt your pain. Almost from the moment I got engaged, I started planning my wedding

I had a little over a year between my engagement and the wedding date... about 5 months before the wedding I was totally burnt out. Completely. I didn't even want to talk about it -- and started crying whenever my mom brought up something pertaining to the wedding. I was so wrapped up in making the menus, planning the flowers, hiring the photog, etc. And this was with a relatively small guest list (approx. 120), and a MOH who could not have been less trouble / could not have been more supportive.

Saying that, I have two pieces of advice:

1. write out a list of the things that are most important to you about your wedding. For me, it was having a good photographer, good food, and a great cake. Take the top 3, or 5 things and concentrate on them.

2. Drop off things that nobody but yourself will notice. For me, I dropped favors. It didn't mean that much to me, and I didn't miss them. I also let my MOH pick out her own shoes, makeup, hairstyle, etc. I trusted her judgement. Also, delegate! I left all the relative-wrangling to my mom -- I didn't deal with anything having to do with relatives visiting from outside the US, nothing to do with hotels, rehearsal dinners, etc.

ok -- one more piece of advice...

set aside time when you'll plan your wedding. For me, I was in full wedding planing mode all the time. Even at work. I didn't give myself a break.

In retrospect I would have had a small ceremony and taken my immediate family out for a super fancy dinner. And then blown the rest of the budget on a kick-ass tour of Europe. But, I know I would have missed the whole big white wedding thing, so I'm glad to have had the experience.

But never again!

ILoveChoo · Hermes

I've been there too. No way did I want to spend all of MY savings on a wedding (I was all about just doing the courthouse or vegas but DH was very against that).

I cut a lot of corners... did my own flower arrangements for the tables (flowers ordered from the supermarket and candles and vases from ikea!), no favors (noone missed them), used my own cake topper (from michaels- $20 and saved me about $100 on my cake for a topper that I probably would have thrown out anyway...just tell them you don't need one!), I did my own makeup, supplied my own champaign for the bar (paid for the rest from them, but the champaign saved us a lot becauuse we could get something less fancy), and bought my jewelry from Overstock (they have beautiful pearls!).

We ended up spending a fraction of what most people do, noone had a clue, everyone loved it and had a great time, and we have money left in the bank.

BargainQueen · Marc Jacobs

That's so great your mom offered to help! DH & I were broke when we got married & my mom knew I always wanted to have a wedding so she offered to pay for it. We did everything under a very strict budget, because although she was paying for it, she didnt have tons of money to spend. We were on a budget like Ilovechoo

Your friend making the chocolate favors is awesome! This is when all your connections and friend's hobbies come in handy. My co-worker made us his gourmet Nicaraguan pastry cookies which we gave out as favors wrapped in paper and heart decals inside an organza baggie. My mom made all the table linens and altered my dress. And all my mom's friends brought a dish, one brought the rice platter, the other brought, the green salad platter, etc. Dh is a musician so his musician buddies played at the reception.

Flower arrangements, we went to the flower market the morning b4 and bought tons of flowers at wholesale prices and bought the vases at the $1 store. We tied the vases w/ribbon we got at Michaels w/a 40% off coupon we found in the paper! I made my own bouquet by researching tons of how-to sites online. I told my aunt who bought us the cake to get it plain w/o any decorations and we decorated it w/all of the roses we had bought at the flower market.

The jewelry I completely forgot to buy until the day of and had to run to Target and get it there! No one noticed, some of the girls kept asking me where my necklace was from. I didnt buy any shoes, fortunately I had 1 pair of white shoes that I wore and figured no one sees them anyway! My dress was a complete deal! We were walking to the register at David's Bridal to pay for a super simple and plain $200 dress and lo' and behold there was a "sample sale" rack that the associate didnt bother to show us and I got a $1200 Oleg Cassini gown for $200! My veil, my mom joked she saw at the $1 store and she bought it! When she showed it to me I thought it was the veil she was going to make me, she just added some crystals to it and wore it w/my $25 tiara we got from a wholesaler in downtown LA.

We didnt rent a limo either, I was going to get ready at the bride's suite so I wouldnt need a car to arrive in, plus I had just bought a new car 3 weeks ago, so we took off in that!

Anyway, you can totally have a fabulous wedding with your budget - its stressful but fun! Plus you'll have all the memories of the experience. Mom & I still laugh my $1 store veil sometimes.

bex · Chanel

thanks for letting me know i am not alone in this!

a lot of the ideas you guys suggested are ones that i am doing- so i'll be posting for help with how-to accomplish them in the future- i'm sure!

my biggest dillema (sp?) is the bar. FH doesn't like beer and he has an acquired taste for wine- so he hates when bars at weddings are beer & wine only. he wants us to have an open bar.

however, i know how our core groups of friends drink... and it isn't pretty. esp. with liquor- they go through it like water. at the place we are holding our reception- the bar is paid for by drink.

so my thoughts were this- cocktail hour- we pay for signature drinks. wine only with dinner- and then open bar after the dinner for 3 hours. FH likes this idea too- but then I have been still having "waking up in the middle of the night can't breathe" panic attacks about the bar deal.

what were some ways that you guys conquered this?

oh and Farrah- his parents have absolutely no money to give us- so they aren't paying for the rehearsal dinner due to this fact. i know etiquette "says" they should- but when they have no cash... well the rules kinda change!

Alikat · Kate Spade

bex - it sounds like you are making great headway.

The food and drink are by far the most expensive part of our wedding too. We are lucky enough to have a per head bar. Perhaps you could just put down a certain amount of money for the open bar after dinner and if that runs out then guests will have to purchase their drinks? I've been to weddings like this and it was no problem for me. We didn't have to buy more than one or two drinks and had more than that for free.

bex · Chanel

Alikat wrote:

Perhaps you could just put down a certain amount of money for the open bar after dinner and if that runs out then guests will have to purchase their drinks? I've been to weddings like this and it was no problem for me. We didn't have to buy more than one or two drinks and had more than that for free.

that sounds like a great idea! i'll run that by FH and see what he thinks.

if you were me would you still do the cocktail hour, wine with dinner, and open bar until the tab runs out? or just open the whole time? or just open after cocktail hour?

Alikat · Kate Spade

I think your plan sounds great - signature cocktail, wine, then open bar. Also, you could bring in the bottles of wine if the corkage isn't too outrageous.

One more idea is putting some restrictions on the bar to cut costs - like only house liquor, instead of premium - if anyone needs something more they can pay for the upgrade (we are doing this).

bex · Chanel

Alikat wrote:

I think your plan sounds great - signature cocktail, wine, then open bar. Also, you could bring in the bottles of wine if the corkage isn't too outrageous.

One more idea is putting some restrictions on the bar to cut costs - like only house liquor, instead of premium - if anyone needs something more they can pay for the upgrade (we are doing this).

already asked about bringing in our own wine and they don't allow it

i'll have to look at the price differences on the house vs. premium liquors again. my immediate friends and myself are bit of alcohol snobs so i might have to keep the premium for those that actually care about it.

Alikat · Kate Spade

yeah, the difference might not be much if its per drink. For us premium alcohol was double per head, so we decided against it.

thats pretty lame they don't allow your own wine! In that case you might just want to do signature drinks, then open bar with the money limit so everyone can take their preferred drink to the dinner table.

Kelly · Hermes

Wow, I'm surprised at the number of you who just went to the courthouse!

I can't imagine how overhwhelmed you must feel - I'm nowhere near getting married, but just watching a few of my cousins go through it, I've already decided I want something very low-key. Of course, even with just aunts/uncles/cousins, it will be a huge wedding because my family is enormous. But a conservatory near me rents out for about $2,000 a night - my big plan is to just have a short, simple ceremony with adult family members there, with drinks and hordeourves afterwards. My family isn't really into drinking or dancing, so I figure I don't need anywhere with a big dance floor and they won't kill me with the alcohol.

I mentioned this plan to my BF, and he was flabbergasted because he wants a huge extravagant wedding. Sigh. I hope if we get married he doesn't want anything crazier than my above plan, because that's about as much stress as I'm willing to have! But I am worried - as much as everyone says the wedding is for you and not for everyone else, I remember my cousin's wedding about a year ago. I thought it was beautifully simple - they didn't have any flowers in the church or anything, they just got married in the church and then we went to the undercroft where there were roses in vases on the table, christmas lights strung around, and a pasta buffet. I thought it was wonderful, and a close approximation of what I'd want mine to be like - but I heard several family members talking about how they thought it was tacky and bad for being so simple.

In conclusion: just what everyone else said. I'm glad you have some of the finances under control, and I don't think you have to feel bad about cutting corners with anything. This is only one night - but after this one night, you guys have a lifetime together. Money is much better spent on a lifetime. Plus, if your friends drink as much as you say...they probably won't remember the finer details anyway

have fun and good luck!