STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Hermes

RE: I need major support right now.

atlgirl · Gucci

Karina, I am so sorry to hear this. I went through a broken engagement as well, (though four months, not two weeks, before) and I know how painful that is. I'm sorry that things aren't working out the way you both want. You're a tough girl to "take it on the chin" and admit that it's not all him...I know the whole thing is hard on both of you. I wish I had some great suggestion to lessen your hurt, but that will take time. My heart and thoughts are with you. *hugs*

Metric · Gucci

sorry to be so nosy but what about your honeymoon? Are you still going away?

bluediamond · Dooney & Bourke

Oh sweetie, I am at a loss for words! Hang in there...going to counseling is a big step in the right direction.

(((((((hugs))))))))

kenzie · Chanel

(((((hugs)))))) I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Claudia · Gucci

I'm so sorry. I hope everything works out.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I'm so sorry K! Everything will work out the way it is supposed to.. whether you believe that right now or not. You will get through this. It's not the end of the world. Chin up and stay rational! Good luck!

jacL · Coach

I am sorry to hear this. I hope you two can get beyond this and I wish you all the best of luck.

Karina · Chanel

we went last night. it was alright. the counselor mostly just listened and asked questions. he said that maybe canceling the wedding was cathartic and will help take our relationship to another level, because if we can get through this, we can get through anything. also, he said in the whole scheme of things, the money lost on the wedding will not mean anything if we are not happy with each other. i can always use that deposit and use it for something else.. i was thinking maybe my friend's bridal shower or something.

another thing -- we will lose the money on the HM if we don't go. the woman from the travel agency said we can change the location and change dates, but i cannot change the names and we have to travel around the same time period. i talked to V about it and he said he might want to go somewhere, but not for 2 weeks and not to hawaii.

what do you guys think? should we try to go somewhere and see if it'll help?

Elle · Hermes

I think you should go somewhere, Karina, and use it more like a couples retreat. That way you can escape the stress of your normal environment and maybe try to reconnect ...?

Hermes

Karina wrote:

we went last night. it was alright. the counselor mostly just listened and asked questions. he said that maybe canceling the wedding was cathartic and will help take our relationship to another level, because if we can get through this, we can get through anything. also, he said in the whole scheme of things, the money lost on the wedding will not mean anything if we are not happy with each other. i can always use that deposit and use it for something else.. i was thinking maybe my friend's bridal shower or something.

another thing -- we will lose the money on the HM if we don't go. the woman from the travel agency said we can change the location and change dates, but i cannot change the names and we have to travel around the same time period. i talked to V about it and he said he might want to go somewhere, but not for 2 weeks and not to Hawaii.

what do you guys think? should we try to go somewhere and see if it'll help?

I'm just going to speak my mind here, and others may not agree with me, but what's new?

I don't think there's any question that you two have a committed relationship. I don't think either one of you is considering leaving.

You both plan on marrying each other, and as the counselor said, this will probably just bring you closer together.

I think you know why I went to the courthouse and took off for 2 weeks to Tahiti - I didn't want to spend the money, and I wasn't really comfortable being on stage like that.

Maybe you should just go to the courthouse, and go to Hawaii for 2 weeks.

It's not your ideal scenario, but life rarely turns out the way we planned it, does it? It's what I did and I have no regrets. My marriage hasn't been perfect either, but the legal bond has made me work harder at it, and I don't regret my marriage either. I have a life companion and best friend that I love. I have a legal binding with that person to protect me and make things easier in case anything happens - I'm legal next of kin. I'm happy with the set up and you might be happy with that too.

Again - my opinion, and it may not be a popular one.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I think it's a great step in the right direction that you went to counseling together so soon. The more you see the counselor and the more you talk about yourselves, I think, the more he'll be able to help you out.

Since you do pretty much have to take this trip, then why not go and use it as a couples retreat, like Elle suggested? It would be such a relief for the two of you to get away from all this and just be alone together.

I don't know all the specifics of your relationship, but it seems that you do really want to get married. Maybe it's time to adjust your perception of what the wedding will be, to something you can both be comfortable with -- you could go to the courthouse like D suggested, have a justice of the peace marry you and then have a small reception at a restaurant you love, etc. You can really get married any way you want -- I hate seeing people get so stressed out over their weddings, when it should be such a joyous time.

tri_sarah_tops · Marc Jacobs

I'm so sorry. I hope everything works out for the best and you'll be in my thoughts.

Karina · Chanel

i like your idea, kris, but i think V and I want to wait to see some changes within ourselves and the relationship before we think about getting married again. I think with going to counseling and maybe going somewhere alone.. together.. with no stress.. will really help us reconnect.

i really love him. i can honestly say i never put 100% of myself into the relationship.. even though we have been together SO LONG.. i was always scared of devoting myself 100% to ANY relationship, because i have been f'ed over before, and didn't want to go through that again, even if we have been together SOOOO long. this situation made me realize that V needs me to devote himself, the way he has to me. he is probably fed up of my crap. i am not putting the blame on myself entirely, he has faults too... it is very hard for me to admit that i am a key player in the destruction of our relationship, but i am actually very proud of myself to be mature enough to admit it.

Hermes

Karina wrote:

i like your idea, kris, but i think V and I want to wait to see some changes within ourselves and the relationship before we think about getting married again. I think with going to counseling and maybe going somewhere alone.. together.. with no stress.. will really help us reconnect.

i really love him. i can honestly say i never put 100% of myself into the relationship.. even though we have been together SO LONG.. i was always scared of devoting myself 100% to ANY relationship, because i have been f'ed over before, and didn't want to go through that again, even if we have been together SOOOO long. this situation made me realize that V needs me to devote himself, the way he has to me. he is probably fed up of my crap. i am not putting the blame on myself entirely, he has faults too... it is very hard for me to admit that i am a key player in the destruction of our relationship, but i am actually very proud of myself to be mature enough to admit it.

I know - I've been f'ed over before too - that's why I insisted on making it legal this time.

I do know that after many years, there is value in reconnecting. Maybe some time outside of your day-to-day environment will help.

hey - it's a road bump in life. It may be a painful one, but one that will help you both grow into better people that can have a stronger relationship. That's what it's all about in the long run, right?

and yes, you should be proud of yourself, it's very difficult to view yourself objectively. with the steps you are taking, you and your family will be better off in the long run.

Kelly · Hermes

I think the trip would be great. Who says you have to take the trip after the wedding? Maybe you guys need to take it in reverse. Use the trip to get ready to be married. Talk the whole time and spend time together and use it to prepare for your life together. Then, when and if you two are ready, you can have a small celebration for the people who are closest to you, and who are here for you now when it's gotten rough. I like the idea of a restaurant reception. And maybe you two can sneak off someday and have a private wedding, just the two of you and the justice/priest in a forest or on a beach. That would be so sweet and since you're going through all of this together, maybe it will mean so much more.

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

ttara123 wrote:

I think the trip would be great. Who says you have to take the trip after the wedding? Maybe you guys need to take it in reverse. Use the trip to get ready to be married. Talk the whole time and spend time together and use it to prepare for your life together. Then, when and if you two are ready, you can have a small celebration for the people who are closest to you, and who are here for you now when it's gotten rough. I like the idea of a restaurant reception. And maybe you two can sneak off someday and have a private wedding, just the two of you and the justice/priest in a forest or on a beach. That would be so sweet and since you're going through all of this together, maybe it will mean so much more.

I was just getting to post this exact same idea!

calichic · Dooney & Bourke

Or maybe when you are on your vacation you could get married on the vaction(?) if you feel like it and are ready. I have no conception of how much time in advance you would need to set that up, but it is an option.

blubirde · Chanel

Wow, Karina. I haven't posted yet because I didn't know what to say but you really seem to be handling the situation well. I think counseling is a good idea, especially if V was the one who wanted to go. Sometimes we take for granted that things will always be the same, or that a certain person will always be there, no matter what we do. And sometimes we forget to try hard to make sure that things work out, because we get so used to them.

I think going on the trip to try to reconnect is a great idea. You can use the time to talk to one another, maybe get to know one another again, and certainly enjoy each other. And go somewhere fun where there are things to do so you have a few distractions along the way.

Did V ever want to go to Hawaii and for 2 weeks? I'm just curious as to why those two factors are out of the question for him...

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I'm sorry to hear about the broken engagement.

I hope the two of you take a vacation together in a location other than where you planned to honeymoon. It might be good to get into "couples vacation mode" where everything is romantic and nobody argues and everything is great.

I knew a couple who called off their wedding a week before hand. They went to counciling and got married about 6 months later. They are one of the best couples we know. They addressed several issues in therapy and are stronger because of it. When I think back and remember that they cancelled their wedding I'm always shocked and amazed because things have turned out just so good.

So, hopefully it will make you two stronger as a couple and a stronger family.

On a side note, because you have admitted that you weren't putting 100% into the relationship, it might be worth your time to address this in counceling on your own.

And, on a second side note, I am totally in favor of a less stressful wedding. My husband and I got married on a cruise and then had a reception a few weeks later for family and friends (we just had a few people at the ceremony. And, since the ceremony was scheduled for Labor day, we got married at the courthouse before we left). Not only did I get to wear my gown to the wedding ceremony and to the reception (who gets to wear it twice?) but I didn't have to worry about anything. The cruise planner took care of everything, and the reception was just a giant party with no pressure. It was wonderful, the photos were great and it might be something to consider. Your hubby to be could have a small, intimate ceremony, and you get a big party. Destination weddings are as expensive or inexpensive as you want them to be. Just something to look into when you two work everything out.

-gd