STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

tara t · Marc Jacobs

bridezilla, nope. momzilla.

Elle · Hermes

I wish I could tell your mom off! It's great that she's so invested in all of this wedding business, but the bottom line is that it is YOUR wedding and therefore YOU get to decide what YOU want to do/have/wear because it should reflect YOUR tastes and desires. She had her chance to plan the wedding with everything exactly how she wanted when she got married herself - so this time it's not about HER it's about YOU.

I think every single dress you picked is gorgeous. They are simple yes, but sooo sophisticated. And you also must keep in mind the big picture - when the dress is on you, tailored perfectly and you have a gorgeous veil on and your hair and makeup done and jewelry and the shoes and your bouquet, you will be a beatufiul, elegant bride! Not some fluffy, over embellished puff ball bride!

Frankly I think it was very selfish of her to say that she hated all of your front runners. She could have said that they weren't exactly her taste, and wondered if you had considered any that were more elaborate, but that ultimately she wanted you to be happy with your own choice. Now all she's succeeded in doing is creating a rift and making you feel guilty and second guess your gut. So this is straight to your mom .

ETA: So, I would send her back a calm, adult email that goes something like this:

I'm sorry that you don't feel that the dresses I've chosen fit with your taste, and I hope that we can move past this disagreement. Ultimately I feel I need to choose something that suits my style and tastes so I will be as comfortable as possible with my decision. I will not send you any more photos if you don't wish to see them, but your support would still be appreciated if you are willing.

-- Edited by Elle at 15:07, 2006-03-02

Chic · Marc Jacobs

I have the opposite Mom, in the beginning she thought I already knew what I wanted so she would just stay out of it, and then it hurt my feelings because I didn't think she cared.

But anyhow, most of my friends have had to deal with this. Being that I am in the South, the mothers all want these huge weddings that have a ton of guests that the bride and groom hardly even know, must have all the basic tradtions, and the dress must be modest and nothing fun like we get to choose from today. Most my friends have gotten their mom's to fold on half the details and I think the dress is your decision, not hers. I can see why Mother's want input if they are footing the total bill, but I worry that some Mother's can't seperate themselves from planning the wedding they never had versus planning a wedding that reflects their daughter and their future son in law.

I wish you a ton of luck and I would just keep working on her, maybe she will get more into it if you were able to try dresses on together? I know this maybe hard since you are in a different state than your Mom. My mom has to show my Dad my dress everyday so he doesn't freak out to see me in an eyelet lace dress with green ribbon....very untraditional, but not too out there

Ritz · Dooney & Bourke

could you go wedding dress shopping with her, again? and then try on the ones you liked as well as some others? basically just pretend to compromise?

my sister had an indian wedding and a white dress wedding on the same day.. and my indian mom was totally not into the white dress, didn't like the idea of strapless, etc. UNTIL we took her shopping and my sister put on her #1 pick in the midst of all the other dresses. when my mom saw the dress (which wouldn't be her first choice, it was very simple, strapless, etc.) on my sister and how she was like, glowing in it, she loved it too. or at least she saw how happy my sister looked and that made her like it enough to approve...

mom's are difficult, and i think it's great of you to let your mom make choices, but this is def. YOUR choice, i would just try and con her a little into agreeing:)

good luck!

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I agree with everything Elle said!

shopgirl82 · Chanel

this is what i would say to MY mom....

"mom, you know i love you, but for the last 10 years you have not been able to pick out my clothes. remember that's why you gave me a credit card when i was 16. face it mom, we simply have different tastes in clothing. so it's not surprising that we will like different style wedding dresses now. this is one thing that is really really important to me, i'm sorry, i'm not going to budge on this issue because i want to feel beautiful and comfortable on my wedding day. i promise that whatever i choose, i won't embarass you with my choice in dress..."

none of that may work with your mom, but maybe parts of it might. i personally think that you should try to do most of the planning, ESPECIALLY if you are paying for it, and tell her that it needs to be done that way because you've already paid for it. that way when you present her with YOUR decisions, you're binded because you put YOUR money down. you don't like the dress mom? sorry, i bought it cuz i loved it, and it was the last in my size, a great price, it was perfect, etc....

let her have the flower girl thing, but make sure that you regain control if you're paying for everything.

luckylily · Gucci

tara t wrote:

"ya know tara, this isn't just your wedding" "you have to please everyone else, too" wait a sec, it is my wedding.

Sorry, but it is just your wedding! You really only have to please yourself and your fiance. Hopefully, your family and friends will be happy w/ the event, but it is really about you having the day you want. I really don't think you should have ton compromise on this issue. It isn't like chosing between steak or seafood, not only do you have to wear the dress all day, but you'll have pictures of you in the dress for the rest of your life!

I don't have any advise on dealing w/ Moms tho. I didn't have a wedding, which is a good thing in terms of my relationship w/ my Mom. We would have fought tooth and nail about every detail and it probably would have made our relationship more challenging than it already is.

Jade · Nine West

Hi, everyone. I'm new and just wanted to said I like stylethread alot.
Now about having a momzilla. I have one too. My mom made my wedding gown. It was her dream to make it. I'm the oldest and the first one to get married. So it was a big deal to her to make the perfect dress for my wedding. We went through many problems designing it. She wanted the Princess Di look from the 80's(pearls, lace and long train). I just wanted a simple mermaid style dress, no lace, pearls or train. After many fights and tears, we finally sat down talk about we both like and wanted in my wedding gown. It was hard and I really wanted to kill her at one point. I get my mermaid dress, but my mom gets to use fancy lace overlay with 15 inch long train. Still fighting about adding pearls or not. I said no, she said yes. Never ends.
My advice, find ur dream dress and pay for it yourself. I wish I did this. U can ask for her opinon when u go try on dresses. But be firm in what u want. I have to fight for my mermaid dress. I hated anything proofy or fluffy. My mom wanted me to look like a little princess at 31 years old! Just wanted to said I'm going through the same thing. ur're not alone. Good luck with ur mom. It can be hard sometimes.

valenciana · Dooney & Bourke

well...when you're hosting an event and inviting lots of people to it, there is a degree of "pleasing everyone" but what dress you wear has absolutely nothing to do with pleasing anyone else. which dress you pick in no way impacts how much you please your guests with the party. so...it's not at all bad of you to not want to compromise. you should feel beautiful and not like you were pressured into something you don't love.

is there any way for her to see these dresses on you? i don't know if your bridal shop would let you take pictures of you in the dress or if your mom could go with you sometime (or you could find a place that carries those dresses near where your mom lives if you're gonna be there sometime). i have a feeling that if she could see you in those dresses, she would change her mind.

i'm sorry that it isn't working out for her to buy your dress (which is stupid that she offered and then retracted cause she "didn't like the dress"...but anyway), and that it's causing some problems, but don't second guess yourself. i'm sure you have a vision of your wedding and you should stick with that.

oh...and about the flower girl thing...i can relate. my mom basically forced me to have junior bridesmaids (which i was adamantly against), but it turned out alright. i mean, they walked in way before me...i barely even noticed them, and once they walked down the aisle, their role was over. sometimes maybe it is worth making other people feel special if it doesn't effect you a lot...or something.

rar210 · Marc Jacobs

I hate to hear your having trouble with your mom. Maybe if she could see a picture of you in the dress, she'd change her mind. When my mother, sister, and I went dress shopping it was horrible as first. I tried on everything *they* liked and found something wrong with every one of them. Then before I was about to call it a day I found a very simple dress *I* liked. I went into the dressing room, tried it on, it literally fit to perfection (except the length of course, short legs) I walked out and my mom and sister were both like "That's the one". Mom even had teary eyes. They said what made the dress go from simple to perfect was me in it and the look on my face. They knew I loved it!!

Maybe that'd help!!