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rosey


Dooney & Bourke

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Shower etiquette- tricky! Sorry- kinda long!
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Hey girls- I need some help! My sister and I are co-maids of honor for our other sister. We're in the midst of planning her wedding shower. Here's the problem: we have one aunt who is completely, well, crazy. She is older and unmarried and has a good amount of money to spend. As a result, she often spends a lot of money on gifts for her nieces and nephews. The problem is- she has to make a big show of it and be the center of attention the whole entire time. My sister was at a recent baby shower for one of your cousins and she literally bought her like 20 gifts and our cousin had to spend time opening each gift while the aunt paraded around the room showing each individual gift off and soliciting comments from every person there. Yeah, so part of her means well, of course, but mostly, it's just an occasion for her to show off. She does this at every occassion, so the family is used to this, but it makes for a very uncomfortable situation. My sister is really concerned that her friends and future in-laws will all be made to feel comfortable by the aunt's showing off (especially some of her friends who are younger, just starting out and can't afford to buy big gifts). There is absolutely, completely and totally no talking to the aunt about this- people have tried for many years and she just doesn't respect what anyone says (on many things), flies off the handle, plays the martyr, etc. Even if we talk to her months before the shower, she'll make a scene in some way. Beyond making others uncomfortable, it's also really time consuming- since a lot of people are coming in from out of town, my sister wants to be able to spend as much time as possible with her guests as well. So here's a couple of options we've thought about, but none seem to be quite right:

(1) Talk to the aunt- totally won't work and will probably make the problem worse.

(2) Tell people not to bring gifts. The thing is, it would be nice, since my sis and her future husband are younger and just starting out, for them to get some nice things. And this probably wouldn't stop the aunt anyway- she's the type who would bring gifts anyway and insist that my sis open them.

(3) Tell everyone to only bring one gift- this feels a little weird and I don't want to limit her friends, etc. who might like to put together little theme gift sets, etc.

(4) Put a note on the invite that says something about how the bride will open the gifts at home when she will have the chance to appreciate each person's generousity individually, etc. and will allow her more time to spend with all her guests, etc. This also seems a little akward and rude maybe? I know the point of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts in a way. And we also don't want to be rude to those who want to take pleasure in her opening their gifts they worked hard to pick out.

God, I wish we could just not invite this one aunt, but that won't work either (she's my mom's twin sister). We've all tried, in different ways, over the years to talk to her about things like this (and other things) and have tried every tactic to no avail.

Sorry so long, girls- my sisters and I are just really confused as to how to handle this- my sis wants to be gracious to all her guests, you know?

Thank you!!!

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Luv2Shop


Kate Spade

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I think #4 for sure!!  It sounds very polite and acceptable, and is something that a lot of people choose to do because they don't like opening gifts in front of people.  Especially if it is a big shower and there are a lot of people.  Hopefully this will keep you aunt from causing a scene.  What a problem, I can't even imagine.  If she makes a stink about it, tell her "family" is invited after the shower to watch her open gifts or something, that might keep her from pulling one over on you and like "forcing" your sister to open her gifts so everyone can see them, which sounds like something she might do.  Good luck.

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Aurora


Marc Jacobs

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I go with option #5 which is do nothing just be prepared.  I would definetly not do the open at home because I find that rude and I am also wanting to see what else she got.  I've worked birthday parties where the parents did the whole open at home thing and it just sucks especially for the person getting the gifts because its not fun opening them at home alone.  Its just too hard to see them all lined up on a table and you can't touch them.  Even if your sister says she's ok with it she won't be that day.


Could you maybe mail the invite late so she wouldn't get it??  maybe leave off a number on the zip code or address and you could play it off as we never realized....



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laken1


Hermes

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Can you do it as a "tea" shower? Not sure if this is a southern thing, but the bride opens presents as people come in & you put the presents out for display so there isn't a "present opening" time - everyone just comes in & out, eats, visits, etc on their own schedule. Just an idea - maybe the aunt can come a little early & she can get her presents out of the way before everyone gets there?

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Becca


Kate Spade

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This is similar to what laken suggested, and I'm sure is a southern thing as well. At one of my sister-in-law's shower, the hostess unwrapped all the gifts and placed them in a room of her house so that they would all be on display. The reasoning is that it takes so much time to unwrap gifts, that you don't get quality time with the guests. Also, this way everyone can actually see the gifts. However, I would think it's not very exciting on the bride's part. I'm definitely interested in hearing an update on what you guys end up deciding and how it turns out.

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nyc_shopgirl


Dooney & Bourke

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I would have her warn her in laws and her friends if possible that this is what is going to happen and it is just best to play along. Sort of a "just a heads up I have this one aunt.... just os you know and just play along or ignore her if you can" You cannot choose your family so you sort of just have to accept their wacky behavior. Your aunt almost sounds like mine but without the money oh and my crazy aunt wears so much self tanner she looks like a carrot! We usually forwarn people that she had a little too much fun in the 70's!

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Cricket


Gucci

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Maybe you can have your sister tell your aunt that she'll open ONE of her presents at the shower, and would like to take the rest home.  Have your aunt pick out her favorite gift, so she can show off a little like she wants, but not excessively.  Open up the one gift, then move the rest off to the side like they don't exist.  Good luck!  She sounds like a handful!

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Ally S


Kate Spade

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I'm with Cricket, this sounds like the way to go, no true hard feelings and no stealing the show.

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tara t


Marc Jacobs

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i'd do a combo of some of the above responses.


i'd give everyone a brief warning, and open one present from everyone.


that way, aunt can still flaunt her gift and you won't ruffle her feathers that much, and the others won't be shocked at her behavior.



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rosey


Dooney & Bourke

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I just wanted to thank you all for your advice. The shower isn't until the end of May so we've still got some time, but I will pass along all the suggestions to my sisters. I'll let you know what we end up deciding. Thanks again, girls- you've given me some good ideas and things to think about- you all rock!

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