STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

gruiz · Kenneth Cole

Argument #1: Are kids invited?

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

Hello,

J and I have agreed from the night of our engagement (when I started planning our wedding ) that we won't have kids at the reception. We're having a sit-down dinner, and I just don't want little kids running around and having to cater to their (and their parents) wishes.

That said, I have some cousins in Pittsburgh (I'm in NYC) who are invited and who have children. I've gotten the word out early that it will be a child-free event, so that they have 10 months to make arrangements or find a babysitter. If they don't want to come b/c their children aren't invited, that is their choice. I'm of the disposition that if you're given ample time to make arrangements, and you want to come, you'll work something out.

I think if ppl know that children won't be invited to the wedding, they can make arrangements ahead of time. I have a cousin in Germany who is traveling to our wedding, and she's finding someone to take care of her two kids for a few days so she and her husband can come to the U.S. I'm of the opinion that if they want to be there, they'll find a way.

(On a side note: One of my cousins has already said that she can't / won't be able to find a babysitter (10 months til the wedding) and won't be coming. Nice. Oh well, I wasn't all that crazy about her being there anyway...)

If you don't want kids, stick to your guns. Don't back down.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

The only other thing you could do is to help provide/find sitters in your area. I don't know exactly where you'd put the kids and sitters but its a last resort.

Irene · Dooney & Bourke

My feelings on this issue...

If you are inviting your family to the wedding and kids are a part of that family, then kids get invited too. I we were invited to a wedding that kids were not invited to and we had kids, we wouldn't go. It says to us that our children are not welcome and we would not feel welcome either.

honey · Gucci

i agree with starstuff on this, if given ample time, people can make the necessary arrangements. though i do think that lsubatgirl had a good idea and it might be a good compromise. i'm assuming that for the out of town guests you're going to reccommend accommodations. maybe with the list of hotels, etc. you could also provide a list of recommended sitters for there children (i'm thinking of like an agency or something), or if everyone is staying at the same hotel you can arrange for a sitter/group of sitters to watch the kids the night of the wedding.

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

This is always an issue. My bf and I have even talked about it and we have decided no kids (unless we have a ring bearer and flower girl, then they will be able to be there) - and we aren't even engaged yet. If the people with children can not tear themselves away from their kids for an evening of adult interaction then I wouldn't want them there anyway - that goes for family too.

I have also already told my famiy with kids (mine will be out of state) that when G and I get married we will be having an adult only reception, and we hope that they can come.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh because I love kids, but I want my wedding to be an elegant affair. Not one with kids running all over the plcae. JMO.

BTW - my boss has 3 kids (5, 7 and 8) and she told me that they would never even dream of taking them to a wedding. Why? Because it is an opportunity for her and her husband to have much needed adult time that they rarely get. Amen to that!

-- Edited by Farrah at 15:49, 2005-01-12

lsubatgirl · Gucci

quote:
Originally posted by: Farrah
"This is always an issue. My bf and I have even talked about it and we have decided no kids (unless we have a ring bearer and flower girl, then they will be able to be there) - and we aren't even engaged yet. If the people with children can not tear themselves away from their kids for an evening of adult interaction then I wouldn't want them there anyway - that goes for family too.
I have also already told my famiy with kids (mine will be out of state) that when G and I get married we will be having an adult only reception, and we hope that they can come.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh because I love kids, but I want my wedding to be an elegant affair. Not one with kids running all over the plcae. JMO.
"

I agree with you on this one. Just last week I was in church for regular mass and this family came in and sat behind my family. Of course they were late but that is another discussion. Anyways the couple had 4 kids all under 7 and couldn't keep any of them quiet or behaving. They also wouldn't take any of them out to the cry area until they settled down. I certainly don't want my ceremony (I'm catholic so we are talking a good hour to hour and a half) interrupted by inconsiderate people who won't keep their kids quiet!

I also am scared to death for my cousin. Her twin brothers (they are 11 mind you) can't behave at all and are saying they are going to break dance in the middle of her reception hall and my aunt said she didn't care!! I am thinking really hard of not inviting my aunt and twin cousins to my ceremony whenever I have it (not engaged yet)

-- Edited by lsubatgirl at 15:50, 2005-01-12

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: Irene
"My feelings on this issue... If you are inviting your family to the wedding and kids are a part of that family, then kids get invited too. ..."

Well, I'm not inviting every member of my family (all cousins, etc.), so I don't feel obligated to invite children. I don't mean that they're aren't valuable members of the (entire) family -- I just don't want them there. Their parents are free to accept or reject the invitation, as they wish, for whatever reason not only b/c I didn't invite their children. Likewise, I am free to invite whomever I want, and if I want to exclude children, I will.

I guess I'm just not that into accomodating my guests beyond giving them a good dinner, good drinks and good company. I figure they're adults, and as such they can make decisions for themselves. If they ask me for help, I'll give it to them, of course, but I'm not going to take on further responsibility for them outside the ceremony & reception.

gruiz · Kenneth Cole

I'm going to have to look into the sitter thing. I mean if I had unlimited funds, I would invite the kids, but we really do need to cut some corners. I want the people at my wedding to appreciate the event and actually remember it. I don't see kids caring one way or the other if they come to my wedding.

Honey, you mentioned an agency of some kind? I didn't realize you could "rent a sitter". I actually thought about paying someone I know to watch the kids in one of the hotel rooms, but then realized that everyone I know will be at the wedding. Are these agency people reputable? I'll have to do a little research on this.

Andrea Julia · Coach

I would never want kids at my wedding. I am so bombarded with my friends' kids all the time and I would LOVE to have just one night where we can all be adults. I actually worry about this all the time, even though I'm not engaged (or even dating). I know I don't want kids to be there and I know how hesitant my friends are to leave their kids at home and since all my friends pretty much have kids, I worry that people are not going to come or leave really early.

I wouldn't want kids running all over and having the dj play lame songs to accomodate them.

Here is a suggestion:

Once, I babysat at a wedding of a friend of a woman I babysat for. They had a hotel room and provided lots of toys and I (and alternating family members) stayed in that room and played with the kids. It worked out pretty well. If nobody was coming from out of town, I would just say tell them all to leave their kids at home, but I think people are really uncomfortable about leaving their kids overnight. This may be a feasible option for you.

Elle · Hermes

quote:
Originally posted by: Andrea Julia
"Here is a suggestion: Once, I babysat at a wedding of a friend of a woman I babysat for. They had a hotel room and provided lots of toys and I (and alternating family members) stayed in that room and played with the kids. It worked out pretty well. If nobody was coming from out of town, I would just say tell them all to leave their kids at home, but I think people are really uncomfortable about leaving their kids overnight. This may be a feasible option for you."

This sounds like a perfect compromise for your situation: It shows that you're not being cold or insensitive to the guests that have children by accomodating them with a sitter. This should calm anyone who might have felt gilted by the 'no kids' situation.

halleybird · Hermes

I have to say that I am NOT a major kid-person -- kids annoy me in about 75% of circumstances, but I had several kids at my wedding (a 1-yr-old, a 5-yr-old, 3 10-yr-olds and a bunch of kids in the 12-16 range) and they were a BLAST. We didn't have a choice to invite or not invite, because my S-I-L and so many other members of my family have young kids, but I am glad I did. They kept everyone dancing and were so much fun to have around. I still considered my wedding to be both elegant and classy...the kids were dressed up, and very well behaved.

PS - one of the 10-year olds DID break dance at the wedding, and I swear it was one of the coolest things I'd ever seen (this kid was good!). Everyone was watching -- it was like free entertainment.

AJ's idea about a sitter is a great one. Chances are you'll pay less for that than you would per plate. I've also seen people provide little activity books to keep kids busy -- coloring, etc.

-- Edited by halleybird at 21:00, 2005-01-12

-- Edited by halleybird at 21:01, 2005-01-12

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

You shouldn't feel obligated to have the kids there -- people should respect that each kid they bring (who will not be able to appreciate it as someone said) is going to cost you money. and, yeah, who in their right mind would want the kids there anyway? i don't think as a parent you could enjoy the night worrying about controling your kids.

i guess the question is, do you or your fiance really care if those particular out of town guests with kids come or not? if not, then say no kids and if they don't come, that's less $$ you have to spend. if it's really impt. to have them there, then arrange a group babysitter (and even make the parents pay for it). i would not have the babysitter at the reception site (like in a room or something), only b/c you know if kids know their parents are accessible they'lll be wanting to go see mommy every 10 minutes which will be annoying for the sitter as well as you if the sitter decides to let them. contain them at someone's house where they can be collected afterward.

Tati · Chanel

If you dont want them , dont have them there. Its your wedding!
I have two kids and I would love to leave them behind for a day/night out with adults.

If I was getting married I wouldn't want kids there cause unfortunately a lot of kids in my family are handfulls! They would be everywhere, not well behaved and I wouldn't want that on my wedding day.

nyc_shopgirl · Dooney & Bourke

Have not even begun to discuss this with k yet because he was scarred as an 11 year old at his cousins wedding (his cousins 2 years older than him got to go to the reception and he and his sister had to go home after the cocktail hour), but I think we will have kids over the age of 7 at the ceremony with the exception of my nephew and ONLY my nephew, then after after the cocktail party those under the age of 12 (bar/bat mitzvah age so technically an adult in judaism) can go upstairs.

My sister already has her husband's aunt lined up to babysit the nephew. Hopefully K will be okay with this