STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Jumping into all this wedding stuff is so confusing, so I feel ya!  I would just say, before I answer your questions, that regardless of what other people say you need to/should/have to do, try to keep your finger on what you two want.  It's your wedding after all, and you don't want to should all over it except in the places it's absolutely necessary!

Question #1:  "How much will/did YOUR wedding cost?" 
Wedding prices vary greatly depending on your area, the venue, and your guest count.  IMO, 50k is ALOT and I've heard the average is about half that.  We had 125 people at a nice golf club and served a full meal and beer and wine, and it cost us roughly $25-$30k, including our honeymoon in Hawaii.

Question #2:  "Who will/did pay for your wedding?"
Mr. Elle and I paid for it almost entirely ourselves.  My parents chipped in a couple thousand in 'startup costs' so we could get our date reserved, and his parents paid for his grandpa and aunt to fly out.  The rest was all us, baby!  IMO it's better that way, not so many cooks in the kitchen.  I don't know how many people actually still split things 'traditionally', to be honest.

Question #3:  "Have you done a destination wedding?"
We didn't, because it would have been alot to ask financially and timewise of our friends and family.  It's not that way for everyone of course, and if that's something that would be accepted in your family then by all means go for it!  Usually the way things work is that once you found a place you liked, you'd reserve a block of room for the maximum number of guests you'd think will attend, and then there's an agreed upon date that the remaining rooms left in your block by a certain date will be released.  I'm sure you'd be able to call and enquire about how it works though - they deal with it all the time!  I don't think you need to invite everyone to the wedding/reception in Hawaii and then have an additional reception later - I'd invite very close family and friends to Hawaii, and then have the big reception at home for everyone.  The double party obligations for everyone else would be a bit much IMO.

Question #4: "Did you help pick your ring?"
Yup!  I'm the one that has to wear it for the rest of my life, and I wanted some say in what it looked like!  We'd been together for 6 years before we got officially engaged, and had been ring shopping for a few months, so it wasn't a complete suprise.  We picked out my rings together, and agreed that he got to choose the diamond and when/where/how the actual proposal went down.  Mine is about 1 carat, white gold, and the engagement ring/wedding band/stone together cost about $1,800.

Question #5:  "Did you have an engagement dinner? 
Um, we sent out an email.  Does that count?  If you want to do it, it can be as casual or as formal as you want.  I think the 'traditional' way of breaking down payment assumes that one family pays for the wedding reception, so the other pays for the engagement dinner and/or rehearsal dinner.  The only really hard and fast rule for an engagement party is that while you don't have to invite everyone that will be invited to the wedding to the engagement party, everyone who is invited to the engagement party must also be invited to the wedding!  If you like the idea of letting everyone know that you're engaged but want to skip the big dinner, you can always just send out engagement announcements.  Just make sure that everyone you send one to also gets a wedding invite.

HTH!

1. I don't know the exact cost, but our wedding was somewhere between $7-10k. We had about 90-100 people at a country club for dinner. We saved a considerable amount of money in these ways: a) the florist was a family friend and gave us a discount; b) we got married in June, which is not big for weddings here because it's so hot; c) we got married on a Sunday instead of a Saturday; d) we had a buffet, and did a cocktail hour vs open bar (we had wine/beer/champagne throughout); e) we did a lot of things ourselves, which worked with our sort of "family garden party" theme. My sister made the invitations and programs. I also ordered my dress from a discount retailer. Without this stuff, I think it would have been more like $20-25k.

2. My dad & stepmom paid for most of it. I didn't ask, they volunteered. We paid for some things ourselves, like the DJ and part of the honeymoon. Both parents gave us a generous wedding gift, though.

3. I actually really wanted to get married in Hawaii or somewhere other than here. I also considered Sedona (2 hours north of here), but ultimately decided to stay in town because it was important to us to have as many of our friends and family there as possible, and that wouldn't have worked with a destination wedding (due to cost, my grandparents' health, etc.)

4. No, I didn't. I showed him things I liked, but the one I got was totally different than the ones I picked out. Still, I like it better. His mom helped him pick it out.

5. No engagement dinner. We were engaged at Christmas and married in June, so there wasn't much time. Also, like Elle, we were together a long time (8-ish years) by the time we got engaged, so people weren't really surprised, and our families/friends all knew each other.

Good luck ViVi!

Thanks for sharing info girls! You don't know what a big sigh of relief to hear the costs you guys have shared. I'm sure it will be more here in the O.C. or L.A. or Hawaii - but at least I don't think it will get as high as the #'s I read before. I'm sure a big expense will be an open bar - both of us agree that is important considering our friends and family.

Well - I don't think I'll worry too much about planning until I actually get a proposal and a ring :P but when we were just discussing the costs I thought I might have to give up on some of my dream things. :)

Thanks!

hey Vivi, here are my answers. Also check out weddingbee.com its a great blog with about 10 engaged bloggers planning their wedding. They asked readers to submit their budgets and have many examples of weddings from $10k - 100K

Question #1: "How much will/did YOUR wedding cost?"
$30k+ I'm not sure of the actual numbers yet, as we are just starting to get RSVPs and the bulk of the costs are per person. We invited about 200 people, and are hoping to get less than 175. We aren't really trying hard to save a lot of money. We are going to do our own flowers and also have made things like invitations, so thats a few grand off, but the bulk of the price is the dinner and booze.

I've found the best way to control costs is to find a venue that allows you to bring in your own caterer and provide your own alcohol. You can save thousands doing this! I wish I had thought more about this before signing a place that requires you use their catering and bar. Also having a cocktail, brunch or desert reception vs. full dinner.


Question #2: "Who will/did pay for your wedding?"
My parents, his parents and we are all contributing to the funds. I'm guessing it will end up rather even. His parents are paying for half of the reception, my parents part of the reception and my dress and flowers. We are picking up everything else, so a lot of random things! My sister made our invitations and save the dates which saved us some money as well - it's her wedding present and they are much more elaborate than ones I would have made myself! I'm guessing she spent between $400-500.


Question #3: "Have you done a destination wedding?"
No, but I'd love to attend one! I'm hoping one of my close friends or family will have one.

Question #4: "Did you help pick your ring?"
We looked together at rings, but the one he chose and when were surprises. He actually had a purple sapphire set in a pave halo which we had seen earlier that week... but I wasn't expecting him to actually get it!

Question #5: "Did you have an engagement dinner? And if so, who paid.who is invited?"
We did not have an engagment party, and it is definitely not required but instead a nice gesture from someone close to you. We are having a rehearsal dinner and a brunch the day after the wedding (which is traditional but not required). My FILs are paying for the rehearsal and my parents are paying for the brunch afterwards. We are inviting only the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner, and basically family and very close friends to the brunch.

-- Edited by Alikat at 13:54, 2007-07-26

Question #1: "How much will/did YOUR wedding cost?"

About $18K, for about 110 people, but we failed to keep track of every last penny. The biggest expense was catering/rentals. We're into food, so it had to be high-end. The caterer we chose was a recent arrival from France, and her claim to fame was that she is the first female chef to have earned a Michelin star. She was top-tier.

We only served wine and beer, and a friend who worked for a liquor distributor supplied all the beer as his gift. That kept the cost down. The wines were not pricey, because although they were French, they were from Languedoc instead of one of the trendier regions.

We also spent about 10% of the budget on a wedding coordinator since the festivities happened out of town. (See question 3.) And we also spent a bit more on music than we needed to, with a solo classical guitarist for the ceremony and a flamenco trio for the reception. Live music is inevitably more expensive but our venue required that all music be acoustic.

Other ways we chintzed out: my dress was $650. My shoes were $10. We hired a photographer who was willing to shoot and hand over the film at the end of the night. A friend in the photo biz did the rest for us. A friend did the video. All the flowers came to $600 because the place we got married, an old Spanish colonial estate, was so gorgeous inside and out it needed little embellishing.


Question #2: "Who will/did pay for your wedding?"

We did, but we received a generous early wedding gift from my in-laws of cold hard cash, and they paid for the invitations too. I think my MIL didn't trust us to pick something that would impress their nouveau riche relatives back East.


Question #3: "Have you done a destination wedding?"

In a manner of speaking, yes. We live in Los Angeles but got married in Santa Barbara, about two hours away. We were married during Memorial Day weekend so most of our guests ended up taking advantage of the occasion to make it a getaway. However, it was entirely possible for people to drive up and back in the same day - the reception was over at about 10 PM, early enough for most people to go home.

During the 3-4 months it took to plan, DH and I could only manage to come up a few times, so we relied on the wedding coordinator to do a lot of the legwork for us, and basically be an administrative assistant.


Question #4: "Did you help pick your ring?"

Yes. We went to a place that specializes in vintage jewelry and picked out our rings together. I didn't have an engagement ring so I wear only one ring.


Question #5: "Did you have an engagement dinner?

No. We had a "rehearsal dinner" the night before with our 4 bridal party members plus their spouses, so 10 of us all together. This was an impromptu thing, we didn't plan it, and since most of us were staying in the same hotel we had it at the hotel's restaurant. My matron of honor's husband was generous enough to pick up the entire check. He probably wrote it off on his taxes.

A few weeks after the wedding we had a big reception at my cousin's house. - My grandmother was travelling and couldn't come to the wedding (she'd booked her trip far in advance), and I didn't invite some of my more distant relatives, so it was a good excuse to have a post-wedding party. It was potluck, with my cousin and her husband paying for the little things like invitations and decorations. She and I are good friends in addition to being family, so she wanted to do it even though I was a little sketched that it might cost them too much.

Question #1:  "How much will/did YOUR wedding cost?" 
Well, we're still in the planning stages. We're trying to keep it under 240 (the maximum capacity for the ballroom). At this point, I'm not positive how much we're spending but I can already forcast more than $50k but less than $100k. 

Question #2:  "Who will/did pay for your wedding?"
My parents. I'm really grateful they're able to do this for me. My mom loves doing this kind of stuff and she's actually willing to do things that I would normally avoid because I'm more cheap. His parents are paying for the rehersal dinner and honeymoon. Fiance and I have zero money between us... he'll be in his last year of law school and I just graduated so we're so grateful for our parents.

Question #3:  "Have you done a destination wedding?"
Nope.

Question #4: "Did you help pick your ring?"
Yes. We went to look at jewelers and I tried on lots of different styles so I could figure out what I liked. I made sure he knew my size and the exact style I liked but he went on his own and picked the stone.

Question #5:  "Did you have an engagement dinner? 
I'm bitter about this. His mom offered to throw us one. Traditionally the bride's family throws it but who cares. We're getting married in my hometown so it would be nice to have a party to meet all of his parents friends in their hometown who might not make it to our wedding. She told me to spread the word so people could mark their calenders. So I told all of my friends, my parents etc. the date that my future MIL had planned. For annoying reasons she decided to cancel the party. So I looked really dumb after I told everyone about it. Now my mom feels bad because she wished she could have thrown us one but she doesn't want to step on his mom's toes. I don't care about not having one, I just wish I hadn't planned on it and told everyone and then had to take it back.