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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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what do you call your in-laws? **updated**
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Just curious how other couples handle this -- my future in-laws are not comfortable with me calling them by anything other than Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so. My FH has been calling my parents by their first names since he met them -- my future in-laws, admittedly, are more conservative. FH asked them last weekend (when we got engaged) if I could finally call them by their first names. The dad said he thought "dad" would sound nice, but the mom said their sons-in-law still had to call them Mr. and Mrs. because they hadn't "earned the right" to call them anything less formal, and that she didn't see how she could let me do something they can't, although I haven't done anything wrong. (There have been problems with both sons-in-law, which I think the parents need to let go of, but it's not my place to say so.) She also said they were from an older generation and it showed respect.

I told them I would really like to use something less formal, because we're going to be family and that using Mr. and Mrs. all the time would keep a distance between us that shouldn't be there. I don't know what will happen, but I think this is a stupid thing for them to insist on at this point, especially after I've been serious with their son for over two years. FH said he'll keep pushing the issue.

eta: see update at the end!

-- Edited by scarlett at 20:16, 2007-03-13

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Sibeski


Dooney & Bourke

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I think Mr. and Mrs. So and So sound a smidgeon uptight.  Well Mrs. So and So does anyway especially when you - yourself- will soon also be Mrs. So and So, right?  Also- you shouldn't have to earn anything from them as you aren't marrying them.  That's just my opinion though.
Oh:  I call my in-laws by their first names or Grandma and Grandpa since the addition of kids ;)

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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You are absolutely right that Mrs. So-and-so is uptight.  :)  Generally she's been nice to me but she is a difficult person at times, and everyone in their family knows it, so at least I'm not alone in thinking that!

FH says I'm marrying him and not them too.  He's saying I should have her call me Mrs. So-and-so too. ;)


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rosie_the_riveter


Gucci

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scarlett wrote:

  He's saying I should have her call me Mrs. So-and-so too. ;)


That would be quite funny.

That is quite weird that she wants you to call her Mr. and Mrs. So and So. I've never called my MIL Ms. G. I've always called her by her first name or even shortened versions of her first name.



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bex


Chanel

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i agree that you should make her call you Mrs. so and so!!  that would be too funny!

i'm not married yet, but i've always called my FILs by their first names.  it would be weird to call them Mr & Mrs. So and So...

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FashionPrincess


Hermes

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I call my in laws by their first names, always have. And hubby calls my mom by her first name. However, I've never been comfortable calling them mom or dad and probably never will.

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ILoveChoo


Hermes

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hey you?

I have managed to avoid calling them by name for the past 8 years. I honestly have no clue.

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NCshopper


Hermes

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I call my MIL by her first name.  Calling her Mrs. K would just be really weird.  And calling her "mom" doesn't fit either and I think would be really disrespectful to my own mom, you know? 

I would keep pushing the issue, but gently.  You don't want this to create a wedge between you all, especially not when you're going to have to deal with them for wedding-planning purposes.  What do you think would happen if you just started calling them by their first names?  It might be worth a shot if you had reason to think they wouldn't freak out, but it seems like they might be the types to freak out, so maybe that's not a good idea.    It just seems so weird to me that they're being so stubborn about this. 

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Sevilla


BCBG

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NCshopper wrote:

Calling her Mrs. K would just be really weird.  And calling her "mom" doesn't fit either and I think would be really disrespectful to my own mom, you know? 

I completely agree with this.  I'll never call my FILs "mom" or "dad" because I'd feel like I was being disrespectful to my own parents. 

I call my FILs by their first names too.  It's weird that she wants you to call her "Mrs. So and So" because you will technically be the same... "Mrs. So and So".  She needs to take a chill pill! 

In terms of the whole "mom" and "dad" thing, though I won't ever call my FILs that, I do call FH's grandparents "grandma" and "grandpa".  It just seems right, for some reason, even if it doesn't for his parents.  Maybe it's because they remind me so much of my own grandparents. 

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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I don't think I'll ever call them Mom or Dad either out of respect to my own parents. I'd be more comfortable with first names. The dad seemed interested in me calling him dad, but while I like him very much it would feel a little strange to me, especially since I'd never want to call Mrs. E "mom." FH said I should start calling them by their first names too, but like NCShopper mentioned, I'm apprehensive that they (or she) would freak. I'm going to give it time and bring it up again.

ILoveChoo, one of my friends has been with her fiance for 7 years and still never calls his parents by any name either. :)

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erin


Chanel

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ILoveChoo wrote:

hey you?

I have managed to avoid calling them by name for the past 8 years. I honestly have no clue.
so funny! my husband does this, too!

i call my in-laws by their first names, but when i sign cards from the three of us, i address them to "mom and dad."

 



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Kelly


Hermes

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that is seriously goofy.

What does she meaned, they haven't earned the right? And that you haven't? Does she think that promising to care for her children, love them for the rest of their lives and grow old with them is a small thing? What else does someone have to do to get in her favor?

But I am with ILoveChoo...I do everything to keep from addressing my BF's parents, because I don't quite know what to call them. Even though I know they'd be tickled for me to call them by their first names, it feels weird to me. It also feels weird to call them Mr and Mrs So-and-so, so I just avoid the entire thing. It's ridiculous.

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jacL


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My future in-laws consider me family and I call them by their first names.  For a long time, I too avoided calling them anything but I talk to them so often now that I naturally progressed to naming them.  Maybe this natural progression will occur with your in-laws (that may be wishful thinking). 

I can't say I have ever been comfortable calling elders Mr and Mrs...not that I am disrespectful to my elders, but as a child, my parents always had my friends call them by their first names, as did a lot of my good friends parents. 

I do think it would be funny to have her call you Mrs also, though I am sure that would not go over well. 

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mikacat


Coach

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ttara123 wrote:

that is seriously goofy.

What does she meaned, they haven't earned the right? And that you haven't? Does she think that promising to care for her children, love them for the rest of their lives and grow old with them is a small thing? What else does someone have to do to get in her favor?

But I am with ILoveChoo...I do everything to keep from addressing my BF's parents, because I don't quite know what to call them. Even though I know they'd be tickled for me to call them by their first names, it feels weird to me. It also feels weird to call them Mr and Mrs So-and-so, so I just avoid the entire thing. It's ridiculous.
LMAO-- this whole thing just tickled me.

and I just call my Inlaws a nightmare!! but I do call them by their first names.



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AllieGurl


Marc Jacobs

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Ok here is the flip side.

I have always called my inlaws by there first names. MY parents however are a bit uptight ( my mom more so) and insisted on my DH calling them Mr & Mrs for quite some time. My Dh wasnt "invited" to call my mom by her first name until a few months after we got married.

The thing is , my DH respected there wishes and my mom in return respected that. So it was only when there relationship grew to a more comfortable level that it changed.

It may seem lame and uptight (heck I think it is!) but I would suggest respecting there wishes (call him dad like he said , call her mrs. so so) and leave it at that. If you push the issue to much it may cause his mother to hold on even tighter to this old tradition.

Let us know what happens ...

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Eurodaisy


Dooney & Bourke

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Since we've been married, I've called my MIL by her first name. 

I'm w/ NCshopper, though: I vote for calling them by their first names and seeing what happens, especially if FH is on your side.  If they are difficult to please anyway, it doesn't sounds like properly playing "the name game" will win you any points! 

The "earning the right" comment you mentioned says it all.  They having an expectation of you catering to them, groveling, and saying "pleasepleaseplease accept me!"  Don't play that game.  In my experience, it's one you cannot win.  Do what you feel comfortable with.

-- Edited by Eurodaisy at 11:07, 2007-03-12

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kittenheels


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I call them by their first names.  But, they are pretty laid back.  I think your FMIL sounds way uptight.  But, she is probably set in her ways.  I'm not sure what the rest of your relationship is like with her, but I would just try to avoid calling her anything.  I also don't really like confrontation with family.  That said, if it really bothers you, I think you're entitled to discuss it with them to work out a compromise.  Good luck! 

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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RE: what do you call your in-laws? **Updated**
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I came home from work last night and found my future in-laws sent me a card congratulating me on the engagement, and they signed it "Love, R and C."  They've always signed Mr. and Mrs. E before, so I take this as them coming around and letting me use their first names.  I'm really pleased and a little surprised it got resolved this quickly!

The "earning the right" comment was in regards to their sons-in-law, not to me.  As uptight as they are, they've generally been really nice to me and welcoming, although I'm sure someday I'll do something that pisses them off.   As over-sensitive as they can be, it's probably inevitable.

To give a little explanation as to why there's friction with their daughter's husbands, one of them cheated on their daughter a few years ago before they were married.  She broke up with him, but he pursued her for 8 or 9 months and won her back.  So she forgave him, but her parents didn't -- personally I think they need to let it go.  I'm not a fan of cheating, but if the daughter can get past it then I think her parents need to fully welcome him as a son-in-law.  And then they borrowed money from him, which made the relationship very strained for a while.   And the other son-in-law apparently spoke badly of them to his sister, who then brought it up at their wedding and was apparently pretty mean when she did it.  

Overall, the parents make their problems bigger by over-reacting to things and then taking forever to get over it.  I can understand why they get upset about certain issues, but I don't understand the degree with which they react to them.

However, FH is good about distancing himself from his family when he needs to, and puts us first.  As crazy as his parents can be, I know he'll come through for me and that's most important.

Thanks for all your input on this!



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Sibeski


Dooney & Bourke

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I'm glad it worked out well for you  

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Eurodaisy


Dooney & Bourke

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Good stuff... hopefully this will leave your mind free to focus on all the other important things coming up re: the wedding.

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