STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

shopaholic · Dooney & Bourke

phone issues with a long distance relationship...

Hermes

no, your relationship is not in trouble, unless conversation is important to you.

is he a chatterbox with you off the phone? my guess is no, and that he's the same in person, but it isn't as awkward with his lack of conversing in person as it is on the phone.

I, myself, would want a mate that conversed with me. If that's not important to you, then there's nothing to be worried about.

NCshopper · Hermes

DH and I dealt with this a little when we were dating long distance. He's not all that great when it comes to talking about day-to-day stuff, but he's good when it comes to the bigger things.

For us, it was all about finding what worked the best. When we dated long distance (which we did about a year) we actually didn't talk on the phone every day. We'd email a bit throughout the day and call each other every other day to talk for about an hour. That worked for us, it may not work for you. Maybe cutting back on the phone and communicating a little more via IM or email might work.

Also, for what it's worth, there is not a single guy I know that enjoys talking on the phone for extended periods of time. I don't think he's unusual because of this or that it means your relationship is doomed.

littlebean · Kate Spade

I was in a transatlantic relationship for two years so I know how difficult this can be! I don't think that you should be worried, but since it sounds like having quality conversations are important to you, you should be proactive about making them better with your boyfriend. I know that for me, good communication and good conversation are super important, and so there were a few times where my boyfriend and I actually talked with each other about developing better phone calls so that we could stay close and feel connected while we were far apart. And now we're still together and in the same spot happily, so I think it worked.

Some of the things that my boyfriend and I did when we were long distance were:
-writing down little notes to ourself all day about interesting things that happened that we wanted to mention
-sometimes writing down questions to ask each other during the day, too
-sending each other articles or different things on the web that we thought were interesting and then discussing them
-every now and then we would have a "movie date" over the phone where we'd both rent the same dvd and watch it at the same time and sort of talk about it as we watched it
-every now and then use a webcam (to talk, hehe)

I don't think that either of us naturally like to spend a long time on the phone, but those were some of the ways that we made it work. Hope it helps!

lynnie · Chanel

i'm currently in a cross country relationship (been talking since april). I didn't think I was a phone person before, not sure if he was - doubt it-, but I've had to revise that definition of myself since then. It really is the most personal way of communication for us at the moment, so we try to talk at least every other or every couple of day. In addition, we email, g-chat, or send messages/comments on myspace, so it feels like i'm constantly talking to him. How often are you able to see each other? I don't think its super important to talk all the time as long as its not important to BOTH of you. If it bothers you, even if it doesn't bother him, than it matters. I think relationships all have an ebb and flow to them- sometimes we'll talk hours a night for a couple of weeks, and than the next month it feels like we're barely speaking on the phone. Some things we talk about:

*sometimes we browse the web together- dorky i know- but he'll show me links to funny videos or pictures of sweaters he's thinking of ordering (haha, aww)

*talk about upcoming visits, places we want to see (together or separate)

*vent about our jobs and little things that happened during the day

*talk about food, friends, funny tv shows, our family, passions of his (snowboarding, music) or mine

*just how much we miss each other and what we'll do when we see each other next

Kelly · Hermes

I'm with lynnie on a lot of stuff. I was NOT a good phone talker when I started dating BF, but he had to change that part about me. He still does most of the talking, but it's evening out a lot more. We're not in a super long-distance relationship, only an hour and a half, but sometimes we don't see each other for a couple weeks and it kills me because I'm someone who wants to snuggle up every single night...

Anyway, if you guys use IM I think that'd be a good substitute. I think the only reason BF and I talk on the phone almost every night is because he's not a big IM person. If he was online more, I'd be okay with only talking on the phone every other day or something. Plus, if you're on IM you're also probably doing other things (like playing around on ST!), so it won't be as much pressure for the two of you to have a wonderful conversation. When BF and I are both online at the same time (once in a blue moon) we can be having a conversation that lasts a couple hours, but it goes pretty slow because I'll be working and he'll be doing homework or something... so that's good because he's available for a couple hours if there's something I suddenly want to talk about, but it's not huge pressure on either of us if we're too busy for a long phone call.

And a lot of times when we're on the phone we'll start talking about something on the internet and both get online and browse with each other... like lynnie said! It sounds stupid, but like before halloween one night we spent an hour on the phone while we looked at costumes. We kind of meandered around on our own, but we both signed on to IM so that if something particularly cool/hilarious was discovered, we could send each other the link.

I can't lie, we can spend a half hour talking about how much we miss each other, too. It's so dumb, and it just makes me miss him more. But when we run out of things to say and both start daydreaming a little, we just get lonely. It sounds so emo! But just hearing him say he misses me and making plans for when we can see each other helps, because I know I'm not the only pathetic person in the world

jrhampt · Kenneth Cole

Maybe you could also try text messaging each other throughout the day?

shopaholic · Dooney & Bourke

ok ladies...thanks for all your responses but i've tried alot of the ideas you mentioned, renting a movie and watching it at the same time, making mental notes about conversation topics, talk about food i ate, ask about food he ate, talk about our jobs, going on webcam...

most of the time i do the talking and he just listens, he tries to talk about stuff but he's just not big on talking about every minor thing. ex: last night we got so tired of being on the phone quiet, i told him to just sign on to webcam and i just imed him randomly and that worked out ok. i want to make sure that we talk every night b/c we used to live together and it was great, and i got used to talking to him everyday, seeing him everyday, going to bed together, and i just feel like if we start talking every other day we might grow apart. i dont want to start writing down every little thing just so we can have something to talk about cause it makes me feel like we're "forcing" things to work. does that sound stupid? we do the whole going online and showing each other stuff, we try to watch the same tv shows sometimes, but there are just alot of awkward silent moments, i just wanted to know what we can do to avoid those. i guess after reading all your experiences, it seem a bit normal to have the awkward silence?

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I am not trying to be negative Nancy here, but I really want to give you my opinion on this topic. Whether you like the phone or not, if you have to do long-distance with someone it is your responsibility to help make it work. That includes being an active participant on phone calls. I absolutely HATE the phone. Ask anyone that knows me. When I met my BF, however, I had to get over that hatred because he lived in Chicago and I lived 6 hours away in Michigan. You know what? I got over it really fast. That was because I wanted to be with him and it was the only way that I had to have some kind of contact with him. We spoke everyday, several times a day sometimes.

I just really think that when you want to be with someone for the rest of your life conversation is important. Why? Because beauty and youth fade and once that is all gone you have to be able to talk to the person or you will be growing old alone in spite of the fact that there is a warm body by you.

I don't know your BF, but I would just be suspicious of someone that says that they want to make a relationship work with me, but they have nothing to say to me. That is a red flag to me. Sorry if I was harsh, but I think you deserve views from every side on this one.

lynnie · Chanel

Farrah wrote:

I am not trying to be negative Nancy here, but I really want to give you my opinion on this topic. Whether you like the phone or not, if you have to do long-distance with someone it is your responsibility to help make it work. That includes being an active participant on phone calls. I absolutely HATE the phone. Ask anyone that knows me. When I met my BF, however, I had to get over that hatred because he lived in Chicago and I lived 6 hours away in Michigan. You know what? I got over it really fast. That was because I wanted to be with him and it was the only way that I had to have some kind of contact with him. We spoke everyday, several times a day sometimes.

I just really think that when you want to be with someone for the rest of your life conversation is important. Why? Because beauty and youth fade and once that is all gone you have to be able to talk to the person or you will be growing old alone in spite of the fact that there is a warm body by you.

I don't know your BF, but I would just be suspicious of someone that says that they want to make a relationship work with me, but they have nothing to say to me. That is a red flag to me. Sorry if I was harsh, but I think you deserve views from every side on this one.

After reading your second post, I have to agree with Farrah. I was in a relationship before that wasn't long distance, but communication was poor. The ex just wouldn't chat with me about little things when we weren't in person (we were busy w/school so only saw each other a few times a week at most), and eventually, it felt like all i did was give. It made me bitter- like i was forcing it to work, yet asking for too much since I needed something that he apparantly didn't need. Now I have an extra 1500 miles yet a much closer connection. A lot of long distance relationships don't work because of communication- is he okay with barely talking? That wouldn't be okay with me. As far as silences, yea it happens. And I don't think you "need" to talk everyday to not drift apart- you might be interrupting the natural progression of your relationship if you do something because you think its what you should do. Maybe every other day would feel more natural. Phone calls after a few days tend to be the juiciest since a lot more has happened, though i like to stay updated throughout via text messages, internet, etc.

cc · Marc Jacobs

I don't think phone awkwardness necessarily means your relationship is in trouble.

I've been in a transatlantic relationship for 1.5 years and my boyfriend and I only talk on the phone maybe once a month or so and IM maybe 2 times a month. We email each other all day long, when we IM I'll be tethered to my computer for hours and when we get to see each other in person it is wonderful and we totally click but when we talk on the phone it is kind of awkward - lots of dead air. We're both pretty quiet people and neither one of us has ever been a big 'phone person' so it's not totally weird but it did worry me a bit at first - until I realized that things were still wonderful in person and it really was just an awkwardness specific to phone-talking.

You have a different situation since you were previously living together so it's obviously really hard to make the adjustment but I think lynnie is right. You said that pre-planning conversations felt forced - maybe the scheduled daily phone calls is unnatural for you guys too. Try skipping a day or two and see what happens! Maybe he'll talk your ear off!

Jahni · Dooney & Bourke

Maybe just try shorter conversations? I've done the long distance thing a few times. With the guy I'm dating now, we were 4hrs apart for 2 1/2 yrs, and having long drawn out conversations everyday got old quick....for both of us. So we talked a few minutes in the morning, usually while i was driving to class, maybe once in the afternoon if we had something important to ask or just wanted to check in, and then once or twice in the evening before bed. Each conversation usually lasted around 5 min. or so, maybe longer in the evening, but it felt like we talked all day. When you live apart and don't really do a whole lot other than go to work/class, there really isn't a whole lot to talk about...at least that's what I've found.

kittenheels · Coach

I think Jahni is right on the money. DH and I were long distance for one year. It's hard to have an hour conversation every night, so we tried to email during the day, and have a couple quick coversations each week, with a longer coversation on a night were we would have more time to chat. Hang in there!