STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

Advice needed - Work and the BF

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

Yikes. On the one hand, it's nice dating someone who's in the same field as you because he fully understands and appreciates the work you do. Also on the plus side: when you need to gripe about work, you don't have to give a ton of background or do a lot of pre-complaint explaining, because your bf knows exactly what you're dealing with. On the other hand, when one partner is doing well and is happy with her work and the other isn't, jealousy and competition can sneak it and really undermine the relationship. (All of this I know from experience... I went to law school with my DH, which is one of the most competitive, cut-throat environments there is!)

It sounds like you're handling it the best you can. Just be supportive, say "phooey on them!," and try your best not to criticize in the slightest, even if you think there are some things he could be doing better (since it sounds like he's getting enough of that already). There is, of course, no reason to play down your success, but any discussion of it might make him feel bad, so try to avoid the subject of work as much as possible. Make his time with you feel like an escape -- go to movies and help him get distracted by something other than how crappy his superiors are.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but I really can sympathize. You're in a hard spot, and I hope for both your sakes things improve soon!

NCshopper · Hermes

That's a frustrating situation to be in. I've been there too and it pretty much sucks.

When DH and I were first married I had just started at my job and was loving what I was doing: it was challenging, fun, and right up my alley. DH on the other hand could not get an interview to save his life and ended up loading trucks at UPS among other odd jobs in order to get a paycheck. It was AWFUL. It's hard because on one hand you love what you do and sometimes it's hard not to gush about how great things are, but then you feel the need to hold back so you don't make him feel worse, you know?

When we were going through that period, I tried to concentrate on just listening and just being supportive. At first I tried offering advice, but then I felt like I was turning into a total nag, so I'd recommend just listening and only offering advice if/when he asks for it. Nagging sucks for both parties involved.

Also, it's helpful to remember that men are very different when it comes to career stuff than women tend to be. I recognize that this is a sweeping generalization, but generally men correllate their ego and self-worth to their success at work. So it's not just a bad day at the office--it can also be a blow to the ego. Just doing little things to stroke his ego might help--reminding him how smart or sweet he is, thanking him for doing something around the house, that kind of thing, can go a long way when it's genuine.

It's hard to feel so helpless watching the person you love get so frustrated, but I think the best thing you can do is to just be supportive and listen. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and you're being a great girlfriend. It's hard though.

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

NCshopper wrote:

Also, it's helpful to remember that men are very different when it comes to career stuff than women tend to be. I recognize that this is a sweeping generalization, but generally men correllate their ego and self-worth to their success at work. So it's not just a bad day at the office--it can also be a blow to the ego. Just doing little things to stroke his ego might help--reminding him how smart or sweet he is, thanking him for doing something around the house, that kind of thing, can go a long way when it's genuine.

I think this is the underlying issue. He is usually a par type person so anything less than par is upsetting to him. Its definetly the whole ego thing. I tried to start a no talking about work at home thing during spring when I was the down/frustrated one but maybe a vent for 30mins to get it out and then shut it off would be better for now. I'll also use the holiday time to try to come up with distractions. He plans to start studying for the CPA exam so that might help some. Hopefully, he can better understand things from studying and then that will boost him up some and then in turn hopefully that will boost up his work attitude.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Honestly, I think you "doing" anything about it at all will hurt his feelings. Most guys, when they know another guy is going through something hard, will sort of do a side-by-side "Yeah, heard about it. Let me know if you need something," conversation in the middle of a fishing trip or a golf game. Then they back off. And I think that's how men like to handle their problems. So if he wants to talk about it, then listen, but otherwise, he may start to feel pressured and embarrassed to be around you. Plus, job troubles are especially embarrassing. I lost a job once too (boss sexually harassed me) and the worst part was explaining to my ex every day what I'd done to find another one.

Finally, you're already doing something for him by putting up with his grumpy butt

and I'll bet he knows and appreciates it. (Only someone really selfish doesn't realize when he's being an ass). Also, if he gets too grumpy and it's a pain, just walk away from him until he's able to get it under control. Sure it's hard, but you don't deserve to pay for something someone else is doing to him, right?

Anyway, I could be wrong, this was just my first reaction to the stuff you said, since I've kind of been on both ends of this problem before...

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

Here's the advice my friend in public accounting gave me when I got my first job at a law firm:

"Patience. You have to have patience with yourself and have people who are patient with you."

That is what I wish for your boyfriend. The first part (patience with himself) he can control but the second part (people who are patient with him), well we just have to keep hoping and praying for that one.

Meanwhile, just tell him to HANG IN THERE. I know he's used to perfection but he has got to understand that he's just starting out and he will make mistakes and it's ok and it doesn't mean he's not going to succeed at the firm. He will be fine. He just needs to be patient.

My friend's first year in public accounting was AWFUL (at the time I was in my first year in law school and every single morning we would get on the phone and just vent, vent, vent during our entire commute) but she got through it. Every year got easier. And when she made manager we were frickin' JUBILANT. There were times she could have left, times when luck was not on her side and times when it just did not seem worth it. And those times haven't ended either. But what has ended is that doomsday feeling of "oh, God, I suck." She didn't suck and your boyfriend doesn't suck either.

Next time he's upset, you just look him straight in the eye and you tell him that he is FABULOUS. He is extremely intelligent, hard working and if he just keeps at it, someday, sooner or later, he will get his just reward. I just know it. And I know it because fabulous Aurora's boyfriend would not be anything less than fabulous himself.