STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

I'm super bummed

Kelly · Hermes

oh, I'm so sorry all of this is happening, especially at once!

Have you talked to your bf about why he hates it at your mom's? If he really does, maybe it would be worth getting a dinky apartment while you save up. But I mean, does he dislike her, the house, the location, etc.? Does he know that his behavior makes you less than excited about living together in the future? He should be the person you're able to lean on in such hectic times, and it doesn't seem like he's being that for you. Maybe he doesn't even realize.

I think you're doing the right thing by trying to be a friend to your brother's GF. Goodness knows, if I didn't like my brother's GF I'd probably avoid her until he brought her around! You're a better person than I am! Your mom is being silly, though...unless the GF is a drug dealer or a serial killer, you're not a bad person for hanging out with her!

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

awww gosh that sucks :(

Maybe it is worth getting a crappy apartment and moving. Living with parents is REALLY stressful and sometimes can break people up. That way if you end up still having problems with the BF then at least you dont own a home together.

I hope things get better soon , keep us posted !

Kitty · Hermes

Aww!! That sounds like a lot to deal with!

As for the boyfriend thing, you may have to bite the bullet and move out into your own place. It may mean sacraficing the quickness with which you save for a downpayment, but the alternative sounds like it might end up driving you two apart. I cant' imagine the stress of living with you parents must be adding to your relationship - especially if your'e having family issues on top of that!

Anyway, I hope things get better soon *hugs*

atlgirl · Gucci

I agree with the other girls. I realize that money is tight, but is it worth your relationship to be living with your mom to save more? DH and I didn't get any family help with a down payment, and we didn't live at home to save for it, either. It just took longer. Just think of it as "the American Way" plan...cost-cutting and saving and maybe having to wait a little longer to buy a house. That's how (I believe) most of us do it...~wry smile~

If you do move into your own place together, I'd suggest having a talk first about your concerns. He might be totally different if he was coming home to just *you* a place that is yours together...not your mom's place. And I'm guessing your mom isn't a perfect angel with you guys either, if she's treating you badly about your brother's GF...

It's tough to have so much negative stuff going on in your life. Your mom sounds like quite a piece of work - maybe you have to be the adult in that relationship and lead by example (sounds like you already do that). Just ignore her snarky comments as best you can. I think you are doing the right thing by supporting your bro and his GF, even if you don't like her (and I know how hard that can be!).

You are being a good pal to your divorcing BFF and your guy friend. That's admirable but I know it can be draining. Try to remember to take some time for yourself in all of this. I realize your friends are going through a difficult time themselves, but you don't have to answer the phone every time they call (or whatever the situation may be). You could always wait a few hours and then call back when *you're* ready to be the listening ear.

I hope things get better for you soon. *hugs*

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

No wonder you're so bummed -- that is way too much for one person to deal with at once. :(

I agree with the other ladies -- it's time to move out of your mom's place. It's not worth it to stay there if it makes you so unhappy, and it's not a good situation for you or your BF. The health of your relationhip is more important. You can still save up for your own place -- it just might take longer. No matter how much we love our parents, it's very stressful to live with them again as adults. When you bring a significant other into the mix it makes things even more difficult, and your mom sounds like she's being a big pain as it is. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to befriend your brother's GF, and it's really too bad your mom can't be the adult you are and do the same.

You are thinking so much about what other people need. With your friends going through these hard times, remember to take time for yourself too. I don't want to sound harsh, but *you* come first! Don't give too much of yourself it will make things worse for you.

I hope things get better soon!

NCshopper · Hermes

I'm with the other girls on this too--I think it's probably time for you two to have a place of your own, even if that means having to work a bit longer at saving some money. I have a great relationship with both of my parents and my husband has a great relationship with them too, but I cannot for the life of me imagine how disruptive it would be to have both of us living with my parents again. I think it would take its toll on my marriage and my relationship with my parents.

As far as dealing with your mom and your brother's gf, maybe you need to have a little heart-to-heart with your mom. Something along the lines of "Mom, I love you, and you know that. I know you don't like bro's gf, but I'm making an effort to try to get to know her better and find some common ground with her myself. This isn't a matter of taking sides between the two of you--it's just that if she's going to be a part of the family, I need to at least try to get along with her." Just letting her know that you're not choosing the gf over her might make her feel a bit better.

Sorry you're having to deal with this right now. It sounds like a lot to handle.

squishy · Coach

i'm so sorry metric... that is a lot for one person to deal with :(

i think you need time and space to decompress. moving out with the BF will be a good first step, but it might help your well-being if you temporarily removed yourself from your friend and family drama. don't feel guilty for not always being there for them; in the long run, this is the best solution for them as well. as much as you love them, you still come first.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

oh honey! I'm so sorry. This all sounds really hard. I think you already know this, but your mother is really out of line here, putting pressure on you like that. And your boyfriend could find a better way to communicate than disappearing too. For the best friend, as someone who's been divorced, I think a gentle, "I care about you but I need a breather for a minute" wouldn't be taken the wrong way. I tried to understand when I might be leaning on friends too much when I was goign through all of it. Wow. I'm so sorry all this is coming down on you now! We're here for you.

blubirde · Chanel

Woah - I don't know how you can handle everything!

I agree with everyone else about moving out. It sucks as far as saving for a house but if it means you and your BF have a more peaceful relationship, it's worth it, imo. Maybe you could find a relatively cheap place that's not ideal but helps in the saving money department?

And I bet not living with your mother will help ease the stress of you hanging out with the brother's gf because, frankly, she won't know about it. If you don't live with her, I'd imagine it might be easier to hang out with the gf without your mother knowing about it.

Maybe use xmas money to do all the first and lasts and paperwork that goes into getting a new apartment so y'all just have to come up with extra rent each month? And at least you'd know if your BF would change his behavior once y'all had your own place without going through the committment of buying a house.

Good luck and vent here if it helps.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Oh, honey, crap. That is a ton of stuff all at once. I can't believe C hasn't snapped out of his hanging-out-all-the-time-at-friend's-house-thing...those are the bandmates, right? I don't have any good advice other than what the girls already said.

Perhaps it is time to move out. I know that money has been super-ass tight with not getting the raise and all but maybe being poor and happy is better than being not-as-poor and unhappy, right? Not really the same but J and I have been talking about getting a nicer and bigger place when our lease is up. We have that teeny tiny apartment but are paying a really cheap rent and both of us are ready to pay more, a lot more, and have two bedrooms and have a real kitchen and stuff. So, anyway, sometimes it is worth it to pay more for your own or a bigger space. Besides...who wants to buy a house when you aren't staying in C-Town, anyway! When it really comes down to it, what is more important? Money or C?

About your mom and brother. It's not like you can pick one or the other so I think you need to just continue to be nice to the GF but explain to your mom why you are being nice, which I'm sure you have already tried. It's not like he just met her or something, by now you would think that your mom would have learned to accept her. Has she never liked her, or has it only been more recent like since he's decided to marry her?

What do you do when life turns to chaos? Run away to Philly, J and I are looking to move and there is a great bi-level apartment opening upstairs from us that will be three bedrooms completely renovated and remodeled.

kittenheels · Coach

Oh dear! That all sounds so stressful. It sounds like you are a wonderful daughter, girlfriend and friend. I agree that moving out - if at all possible - might be the happiest solution to the mother/boyfriend housing dilemma.

As for your friends - I agree with the previous post regarding calling them back when you have the emotional energy to handle it. I hope you are able to rest up a little bit this weekend!