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Post Info TOPIC: I Can't Be Upset, But I am....
shopgirl82


Chanel

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I Can't Be Upset, But I am....
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Let me preface by saying, I know I'm going to sound like a brat because I have a lot to be happy for but here's my "problem" and I need some prespective....


I moved to Chicago two years ago after graduating from college.  I went to school on the east coast after living in the midwest because I very ready to experience a different part of the country.  When I left the east coast, I was ready to try something new out.  I figured Chicago would be pefect for the years out of college pre-family. 


Well, when I moved to Chicago, I moved in w/my bf into his gorgeous condo.  It's nice, but can be tight when we have guests.  With housing prices about to go down in Chicago, my bf wants to move to a bigger place in Chicago.  Financially, we are both secure and could afford to keep our current place plus a new one.  So, since our current place has such sentimental value for me, I would love to keep it.  It would be great for visitors, we could easily rent it out, and I have family in Chicago who would possibly want to rent it, even my parents might just for when they visit.  But I always imagined it as our Chicago condo, and when we left, we would go to a different part of the country in a house. 


So, the problem is, I want to get married soon and think about start having a family.  But I don't want to do it in Chicago, or even the suburbs (my bf would never live in the Chicago burbs).  Ever since I moved to Chicago I have known that I would want to live in the city until I'm ready to have kids, then I want a more suburban life.  I want a lawn!!!  We have talked about moving to a nice house on the lake in TX, pretty seriously, so this larger home in Chicago threw me for a loop.  I mean, here my bf is, saying he's pretty much buying a larger home for me to live in with him in the city and I'm not happy.  I feel like a brat. 


I think this whole thing really feels like two steps back.  Should I stay firm with this, and tell him that I don't see myself living in Chicago for that much longer (I have before), therefore, there's no reason to buy a bigger place?  Or should I let him do this, be supportive, and in three or so years approach moving?  He's had his current place for three years so it's not unrealistic.  I just don't want to get stuck living in Chicago when I'm 30+ with kids.  I mean I just can't picture raising a family in the city.  I've seen a lot of people do it, but it's just not how I envision things. 


Am I getting ahead of myself?  Or should I approach things before they start.  Or let him do his thing, as I've said before, and see how things are a couple years from now? 


Thanks ladies. 



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"i tell you one lesson I learned If you want to be something in life, You ain't gonna get it unless, You give a little bit of sacrifice, Oohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry.." -The Roots
lynnie


Chanel

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I have to go watch football with my little brother, so this may be choppy/blunt- i apologize.


how long do you see yourself in chicago?  If its for another few years, i don't think its a huge deal, as long as he knows you want to move on after, and that he wants to move then too.  If you want to move in less than two years- i think it could be a step backwards.  if you two easily have the money to afford this, then don't sweat it.  if you will be putting money towards the second place in chicago that you really should be saving towards your house on the lake, then it may not be the smartest move.  Either way- i think you should say something to him, that you are worried you two will end up "stuck" there if you have two mortgages.  Or maybe  you are worried your new, bigger place will detract from the sentimentality/ specialness of your "chicago condo"?  If you really think he'll be okay to move when you're ready to, i think it'll work out.



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atlgirl


Gucci

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Of course you can be upset! Your gut / instincts are telling you to pay attention, so it's good that you're not ignoring that.

I'd definitely say something. Like a "let's sit down and talk about this" kind of talk - so that's the focus of your discussion and he knows this is important to you. Make it clear how you feel (and how strongly) and let him do the same. You are talking major life choices here, so hash it out and see how he truly feels. It's better to know now, especially if for some reason he's not on the same page with you as far as kids / suburbs (or the timing of all that), and that way at least you'll know, even if he's changed his mind about the future goals. It's much better to go into a new situation with your eyes open, rather than being blindsided later if your expectations aren't met.

I mean, here my bf is, saying he's pretty much buying a larger home for me to live in with him in the city and I'm not happy. I feel like a brat

I don't think you're a brat at all. You just want to make sure your needs and wants are met, as well as his own. There's nothing at all wrong with that.

Good luck. I hope your worries are all for nothing, and that you enjoy another three years or so in the city before having the best damn lawn anywhere. :)

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Kelly


Hermes

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I think you definitely have reason to be upset. It is a bigger condo and all of that, but even more it's an altering of what you thought your future was going to be like. I agree with atlgirl. Maybe this is time to sit down and talk about it. Your plans sound very important, I don't know if he thought the timing was different or if he was planning on selling the place in two or three years anyway, but I guess this just has to be one of those long thought-out talks. The condo issue will just be an aid to help you approach the issue of your future.

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luckylily


Gucci

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You aren't being a brat, you have every right to be upset.  It's your future too!  I agree with the others that you two should probably have a discussion about your vision for the future and how the house fits into it.



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Farrah


Marc Jacobs

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I am just playing devil's advocate here so don't hurt me...


First off, you are neither engaged nor married so I think that it is premature to be upset about something (raising a family) that is at least a year or two away.  Many people now only live in the same place for 2 years after buying anyway to avoid capital gains taxes so you don't have to live in this new place forever.  


What you need to do is sit down with your BF and find out how he feels about the situation. Maybe it is a dream of his for the two of you to live in swank Chicago pad for a while before you start a family and this is his way of making that happen. 


I too, am in a very serious relationship with my BF (almost 6 years) and we aren't engaged and I don't see it happening for at least 2 years, but when I am thinking about the future I always include him in my thoughts to make sure we are on the same track and that I am paying attention to his dreams and goals as well as my own.  That is what being a couple/team is all about.  Good luck!



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blubirde


Chanel

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I don't think you're being a brat at all. You don't have to want a bigger house in the city. That's completely okay. But I do think y'all should sit down and talk about things so you can both be on the same page. If he knows you don't want to live in Chicago forever and just sees the new house as a temporary resting spot, then maybe the house is a good idea. If he's thinking long term and you aren't, y'all should figure out how to deal with that and come up with a compromise.


Good luck and keep us updated!



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