STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

bex · Chanel

what to do about my sister?

killa · Dooney & Bourke

Do you have a personal attendant? I know a lot of brides will ask for a personal attendant (who does not stand up in the wedding or in the pictures of the bridal party), but she is supposed to be by your side all day and while you're getting ready to basically "tend" to your every need. She is there in case of emergencies (someone forgot pantyhose or whatever) and is treated like ushers and/or drivers for weddings.

She would still be honored with gifts of thanks for helping out, etc., but she can wear whatever she wants and she also won't screw up your bridesmaid count.

luckylily · Gucci

killa wrote:

Do you have a personal attendant? I know a lot of brides will ask for a personal attendant (who does not stand up in the wedding or in the pictures of the bridal party), but she is supposed to be by your side all day and while you're getting ready to basically "tend" to your every need. She is there in case of emergencies (someone forgot pantyhose or whatever) and is treated like ushers and/or drivers for weddings.

She would still be honored with gifts of thanks for helping out, etc., but she can wear whatever she wants and she also won't screw up your bridesmaid count.

I like Killa's idea. I think you've got to include her in the wedding somehow, without getting your number of attendants out of control.

You could make being your personal attendant a little more special by inviting her to have her hair done w/ you and your bridesmaids and asking the photog to take some special photos of the two of you together.

I wish you luck! That is a tough situation, but when it comes to weddings I'm a firm believe that you need to worry about what makes you and your FH happiest.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Ugh, weddings can be so difficult making sure everyone stays happy. You could have her be your matron of honor and just walk alone, I've seen that done before. Hope it all works out!

valenciana · Dooney & Bourke

as far as evening up the attendant count on both sides, i really don't think it's a big deal. we had uneven numbers...i have 5 girls i really wanted to ask, DH just really only have 4 guys he cared enough about to have stand up with him. we just didn't have anyone escort anyone else (which might have been weird anyway, since between bridesmaids and groomsmen the age range went from 17 to 55)...guys lined up in front before the ceremony, girls processed down.

but, you should probably ask her to do something. you might ask her to be your personal assistant, as was suggested (she might like this a lot...since this is typically the maid of honor's role), or ask her to be your super-organized sort of day-of coordinator...or both. either way, i'd phrase it as, "you're the only person i know who's organized/take charge enough for this role and it would really mean a lot/be helpful, etc." and then maybe ask her to dress in a coordinating color (but let her pick her own dress to avoid the money issue) and make sure she has a corsage. i think she'd feel valuable, plus, she'd be the only one with that job, vs. just one of 6 bridesmaids. i'd be flattered if someone trusted me enough to oversee everything.

hope it works out for you! weddings are so stressful and get everyone worked up, there's no way to avoid offending someone, just the way it is...so do what makes you happiest (i mean, unless you think this will seriously cause a rift and it's better to prevent that...)

erin · Chanel

i like killa's idea.

maybe there is an off chance she is asking about attendants because she thinks you might ask her, and her being cheap, doesn't want to spend the $$? (long shot, i guess!)

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

the idea of making her your attendant is great, and if you offer it to her the way valenciana said she will feel flattered and important. plus, it will use her best talents and give her an honored position without the money issue becoming akward. i really sympathise with not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings while trying to do what makes you and your FH happy!

FWIW, if you did make her a bridesmaid i don't think the uneven numbers would be a big deal. i was in a wedding with an uneven number of attendants and it was not a problem -- it turned out to be kind of cute, actually -- one of the groomsmen escorted the bride's grandmother and then came back for a bridesmaid. not that you have to do it that way, but there's an anecdote. :) if anyone notices there's an uneven number up there, they'll forget about it by the time the ceremony's over.

kittenheels · Coach

Wedding planning is such a colossal pain! Hang in there!

I think the personal attendant idea is a really good compromise. But, if you decided to make her a bridesmaid, I don't think anyone would notice if there were an uneven number. I've been to a few weddings where one groomsman walked out with two bridesmaids. I think it's super cute, and it actually makes a fantastic photo.

Don't stress too much!

Collette · Chanel

Not sure what kind of ceremony you are having but what about asking her to say a reading at the ceremony? Either a passage from the bible if you're getting married in Church or if it's non denomination of a different religion ( which I unfortunately know nothing about and not sure if it's even ok) but she could read a favorite poem perhaps? That way it's something that makes her front and center. Honestly if my sister asked me to pretty much wait in her hand and foot at the wedding I'd be a bit pissed off. But that's just another opinion. That way she'd be involved in the rehearsal and be presented with a similar gift as the bridesmaids. Also if it means that much to her make her a bridesmaid. Mine was completely off, my DH had three more groomsmen then I had bridesmaids and it worked out fine. Two guys walked down one girl and everyone was happy. Good Luck! And remember, it's your wedding so the only person you really need to please is yourself.

bex · Chanel

i guess it was less of the numbers being uneven (but then again, i hate unbalanced things) as it was that if we asked her to be a bridesmaid, then there was someone else that needed asked and another and another.... and it would just escalate out of control...

i've decided to approach her again about being my "personal attendant". i already mentioned to her that i needed/wanted her to do that for me and she was kind "whatever" about it. my mother also mentioned that i wanted her to do that as well. she responded to our mother saying "but isn't that a bridesmaid does?" *sigh* oh yes, i can send my bridesmaids out to make sure the groom and his guys are ready and that the pastor is ready and that everyone is seated. i can certainly do that in a bridesmaid's dress with everyone staring at me. 'diculous sister.

but(!) before when i asked her to help me- i didn't have a name for it. now (thanks to killa) i do! perhaps that will help out... plus- my sister doesn't want to help plan a bachelorette party for me! she would pass out right now if she knew some of the things i do when with my girls!!!

thrillme · BCBG

I had a personal attendant that was not one of my bridesmaids and it worked out great. That way when we were doing pictures and all of the bridesmaids needed to be there, she could run errands, make sure everyone was smiling and that no inappropriate things were hanging out

Chic · Marc Jacobs

Collette wrote:

Not sure what kind of ceremony you are having but what about asking her to say a reading at the ceremony? Either a passage from the bible if you're getting married in Church or if it's non denomination of a different religion ( which I unfortunately know nothing about and not sure if it's even ok) but she could read a favorite poem perhaps? That way it's something that makes her front and center. Honestly if my sister asked me to pretty much wait in her hand and foot at the wedding I'd be a bit pissed off. But that's just another opinion. That way she'd be involved in the rehearsal and be presented with a similar gift as the bridesmaids. Also if it means that much to her make her a bridesmaid. Mine was completely off, my DH had three more groomsmen then I had bridesmaids and it worked out fine. Two guys walked down one girl and everyone was happy. Good Luck! And remember, it's your wedding so the only person you really need to please is yourself.

I could not agree more with this. We started out having an uneven number in our bridal party and before the wedding 2 of the groomsmen dropped out because of a family member's wedding on the same day. This ended up making us even so you never know what might happen.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

I personally think that family is really important and it is more important to work on enhacning your relationship with her by making her a bridesmaid, then being concerened about an uneven number in the wedding party.

I think it shows how much it means to her that she talks to your mom about it regularly.

Just my 2 cents ...

bex · Chanel

AllieGurl wrote:

I personally think that family is really important and it is more important to work on enhacning your relationship with her by making her a bridesmaid, then being concerened about an uneven number in the wedding party.

if i ask her, then the only siblings left out of the bridal party are my brother and FH's sister. that is more my concern than uneven numbers.

I am asking her to be my personal attendant. Its my day and I always wanted her to do that and I don't want to keep worrying about what people are thinking of what i do...

god! at this point, i think i just want to elope. people turn into such babies about f*cking wedding stuff.

Jahni · Dooney & Bourke

AllieGurl wrote:

I personally think that family is really important and it is more important to work on enhacning your relationship with her by making her a bridesmaid, then being concerened about an uneven number in the wedding party.

I think it shows how much it means to her that she talks to your mom about it regularly.

Just my 2 cents ...

I agree. It's just something that sisters do, whether you're really close to them or not. Sounds like she might hold a grudge for a while if she's not a bridesmaid, and why have that cloud hanging over your wedding? I'd just let her be a MoH and let her deal with the cost of the dress/hair etc. I understand that it's your day, but I guess I would just rather everyone be happy and having a good time. That way, since she's not interested in planning a bachelorette party, ask her to be the coordinator (sp?) for the big day. Just make her feel included....

laken1 · Hermes

Just came in to offer my support & to vote for you to elope.

Hermes

laken1 wrote:

Just came in to offer my support & to vote for you to elope.

ditto!

just think of all the things you could do with the money, lack of stress, and time you save

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

Jahni wrote:

AllieGurl wrote:

I personally think that family is really important and it is more important to work on enhacning your relationship with her by making her a bridesmaid, then being concerened about an uneven number in the wedding party.

I think it shows how much it means to her that she talks to your mom about it regularly.

Just my 2 cents ...

I agree. It's just something that sisters do, whether you're really close to them or not. Sounds like she might hold a grudge for a while if she's not a bridesmaid, and why have that cloud hanging over your wedding? I'd just let her be a MoH and let her deal with the cost of the dress/hair etc. I understand that it's your day, but I guess I would just rather everyone be happy and having a good time. That way, since she's not interested in planning a bachelorette party, ask her to be the coordinator (sp?) for the big day. Just make her feel included....

I am just going to weigh in here...

When my sister got married she did not ask me to stand up in the wedding and I was totally okay with that. Instead I coordinated many of the insanely important details that had to happen for the wedding to happen - Invitations, yup I made 'em, DJ - Booked 'em, Decorations and Flowers - that was me too...and before she went down the aisle I was the one that wished her luck and made sure she looked beautiful.

After all was said and done I was way happier with what I did for her and I got to wear my own faboo dress. If your sister isn't happy with what you choose for her then tell her to bugger off...the wedding is about what you want, not what she wants.

erin · Chanel

also, just a note - i don't think family necessarily has to have other family in the wedding. i know it's something people feel obligated to do, but i resented being in my sister's wedding. (which i had repeatedly said i didn't want to be in) i know the case is reverse for bex, but i think you shouldn't have your sister be a bridesmaid, because eventually you will just resent feeling obligated to have asked her.

bex · Chanel

thanks for everyone's opinions.

D and laken: don't think i haven't thought about eloping! each time i interview a vendor and get prices, i think about it more and more!

FH and I both went to my sister's house to tell her how important her being a Personal Attendant for us would be. We let her know that we appreciate her doing this so much for us and that also that she understands that we were in a tight spot with all of FH's family and my brother that we needed to have everyone included in different ways.

We think she was good with it. I spoke to my mother the next day and told her to tell me if she brings it up again in conversation in a negative light.