STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kelly · Hermes

not wanting kids

halleybird · Hermes

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Not everyone has to have kids. To be honest, I am not an especially maternal person either (I totally agree about puppies>babies in the cute department), but in the last few years, I have really started to see myself with kids. My niece and nephew have a lot to do with that. My stepmom isn't what I call "maternal" either -- she doesn't do baby talk, she doesn't coo at babies, etc. -- but she happens to be a pretty awesome mom anyway. But even if you decide not to have kids, it's perfectly possible to have a fulfilling, wonderful life. I know several older women who are childless and they are fantastic.

If you end up marrying the guy you're dating right now, you should probably settle the kid issue before you tie the knot, but I see nothing wrong with not worrying about it now.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I don't think a guy who felt the same way about kids would feel like there was something wrong as him as a person. And I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You want what you want, and you know it. The REAL reason to worry would be if you felt like you had to have kids because other people will think you're sick or something if you don't...

On second thought, maybe I'm missing the point... You think there's something wrong with you because you don't have a maternal instinct, and don't like babies? I guess I just don't understand that. Why would not particularly enjoying babies mean there's something wrong with you?

-- Edited by Dizzy at 00:15, 2006-09-18

lynnie · Chanel

Well, I think if you don't want kids, there is NOTHING wrong w/that. You may change your mind, you may not (but i'm sure its annoying when people say "oh you'll change your mind"- though i'm sure it does happen)

As far as not coo-ing at babies on that street- I don't think thats a good indicator of maternal instinct. I am not super into babies either (though i LOVE kittens), but I still probably will want kids at a later point in my life. Its like love- not everyone is super romantic and mushy, but that doesn't mean they don't want to be in relationships. If you KNOW you don't want kids, that's one thing. but if you are on the fence because you're a little puzzled by children, and are not exactly sure why you are SUPPOSED to want them- then maybe you will change your mind (or maybe you won't). My goal in life isn't to be baby factory. But I know that most likely when I meet the right person, I will want to start a family with them, and for me, that would include a child. And I know i don't have to love every baby in the world- just my own.

Bastet · Kate Spade

I feel exactly the same way you do re: babies, ttara123. I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all! A lot of women feel this way. Society makes women feel "broken" if we aren't baby-obsessed and I think that's wrong. Not being interested in other peoples' babies doesn't necessarily mean you'd be a "bad mother" or that you're "broken." It just means that you're not into babies, and that if you had a child, the "baby" stage of it might be the least enjoyable part of parenthood for you.

blink · Coach

I didn't feel a real maternal instinct until I had a baby. And I used to be so glad I didn't have kids. Now I actually feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a child. It's really strange to admit how much I have changed in only 2 years. And for those who do actually have children and still don't feel the maternal bond, I honestly think there is something wrong with them (I don't mean that in a judgmental way) and they should seek professional help.

Anyway, you are not weird or abnormal. My younger sister is 21 and pays attention to my cat rather than my child, it actually really hurts my feelings and annoys me, even though I guess I used to be the same way. Somehow I wish I could transfer my experience and emotions over to her so she would open her mind and connect with these tiny human beings who would love their Aunt if she gave them a chance. Instead, she would rather play chase strings with a cat!

So my advice to you would be to try to make a connection with a young child or baby if there are any in your family or life, not for the purpose of deciding to or not to have your own, but just for yourself.

Kelly · Hermes

lorelei wrote:

I didn't feel a real maternal instinct until I had a baby. And I used to be so glad I didn't have kids. Now I actually feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a child. It's really strange to admit how much I have changed in only 2 years.

That's what I hope will happen if I had a kid, but I'm so afraid that if I did have a child, I still wouldn't like it so much... I wish I could try it out for a while before I decide

I do really hate that I feel this way, because I know that as a modern, independent woman, I shouldn't succumb to things like this. It shouldn't bother me at all! I'm enlightened! And all that stuff!

But when I really look around at my family and friends, I do feel like there's something wrong. I only know two married couples who don't have kids (or aren't planning on it). My family always talks about "when you have a family..." and the few times I've actually said, "I'm not so sure about that" they kind of just laugh it off as if I'll get to it eventually. Maybe I will, I kind of hope I do, but forcing the feeling obviously just feels contrived and wrong.

I feel silly when I talk about this. Do I live in the 50s? Why should this bother me? But it does

Thanks everybody, you really did make me feel so much better.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

You are not alone, I deal with this struggle almost every day. I actually like kids alot, except I dont see myself as a mother. My husband LOVES children and is great with them and he really wants them. We have been married 8 years and every year that goes by that we are married and have not had a child our family starts asks if something is "wrong" . My husband has actually been very supportive, he understands that I still feel to young to have a child (28) and that we are booth very busy with our careers right now. However every year that passes my husband seems to want them more and I want them less.

All my friends have kids and everytime I am around them I think "I dont want to be these women- with baby talk & messy houses, screaming kids ..."

I wish I had a good answer for you, but I dont. Your not alone in dealing with this.

Elle · Hermes

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with not liking children/babies and not wanting any of your own. Kids are hard fucking work, and if you don't feel the need to sign yourself up for that then that is absolutely your choice as a woman, as a person. People are wired differently. If someone really looooooves babies and can't wait to pop 4 or 5 out, is there something wrong with that? No, that's their choice. Would you choose it for yourself? Maybe, maybe not. That doesn't make them any more right or wrong than it does you. Just different strokes.

There is no such thing as right or wrong when it comes to how we feel, unless actions that harm ourselves or others follows those feelings.

That said, I know many many women who don't have a particular fondness for babies. Yet they LOVE their own babies (and still don't like other peoples babies!). I think that we see alot of what mothers are 'supposed' to be like in the media that is not really in line with real life, and therefore makes alot of people afraid and feeling inadequate. If you did have a kid, there's nothing stopping you from continuing your career, having hobbies and friends, whatever you want to do. You don't automatically have to morph into some weirdo Mom Person - you still just get to be you .

Have you thought more about what makes you feel this way? Is there a specific thing/aspect you're afraid of? Definitely not trying to change your mind in any way, but maybe hashing some of that out would help you understand your position and feel more at peace with it ....

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

There is nothing wrong with you at all. In fact, I think it's a sign of maturity that you realize this about yourself and are thinking it through, instead of going with a follow the herd mentality.

On the other side of the spectrum, as much as I love children and adore my nephews and think I'd like to have kids (most of the time), I do wonder if I can handle being a mom. Don't feel bad. I suspect there may be more grayness to this question (to procreate or not) than what we've been led to think. Pop culture does often portray motherhood as this exalted goddess state of fulfillment, which warps perspectives.

FWIW, my mom was never the girl to coo over babies or want to baby sit when she was growing up. She didn't even want to get married until she met my dad, and he was the one who wanted kids really badly. They waited 6 or 7 years after getting married to have kids. This made me feel weird when she first told me about it, but she did decide she wanted kids, so it's not like my brother and I were unloved or unwanted. The distinction for her was she loved *her* children, not everyone else's, and she took her time coming to a decision. I think she was afraid of being a mother, too, because she didn't have a very happy childhood and didn't want to repeat that with her own hypothetical children.

The bottom line is, you have all the time you want to think about this and realize what's right for you. Either way, you'll make the right decision for yourself and will live the life that is best for you.

-- Edited by scarlett at 15:26, 2006-09-18

zeitgeist4 · Gucci

ttara123 wrote:

Am I the only one? Is anyone else bothered by their lack of enthusiasm in the baby department?

You're not the only one! I don't like other people's kids/babies, and I don't want my own kids/babies. I am personally not bothered by this fact. It does bug me that other people have such a problem with my personal choice. Anytime my aunts hear me say I don't want kids, they dismiss it like I'm a silly 8-year-old who isn't capable of making decisions.

Society makes women feel they have to have kids. And lots of women genuinely want kids, which is fine. But I'm sure there are plenty of women not cut out for motherhood, or those who have kids just to have them, and then have a fulltime nanny who is their psuedo-mother.

There's nothing wrong with you for not wanting kids. And there's nothing wrong with you if you change your mind later in life.

pinky · BCBG

Growing up, I was never interested in playng with babies, babysitting, etc.. I didn't really notice babies. My friends would coo at babies, etc.. but I was not interested. My BIL and SIL would ask my husband to babysit, and I would go shopping and tell dh that *I* didn't say I would watch those kids.

Fast forward..I have two children and I love them. One day, I felt the urge to have children. It didn't happen because I was around children. I thought my nieces and nephews were annoying. I just got the urge to have a baby. Not sure how it all happened, but I'm having a lot of fun. I really still don't gush over other people's kids..just mine

My point... you never know what will happen. Just go with the flow. Unless you can with 100% certainty say you don't want children, I wouldn't worry about it right now. Also I know a few women who have said they would never want children, then in their early 40s, they've changed their minds.

-- Edited by pinky at 17:14, 2006-09-18

Mandy · Kate Spade

zeitgeist4 wrote:

ttara123 wrote:

Am I the only one? Is anyone else bothered by their lack of enthusiasm in the baby department?

You're not the only one! I don't like other people's kids/babies, and I don't want my own kids/babies. I am personally not bothered by this fact. It does bug me that other people have such a problem with my personal choice. Anytime my aunts hear me say I don't want kids, they dismiss it like I'm a silly 8-year-old who isn't capable of making decisions.

I completely agree. I don't doubt that woman who are mothers have a deep genuine love for their children, but I hate when they act like I'm crazy for not wanting the same thing. Just because it works for some (really most) women doesn't mean its for me. I sometimes wonder if I'm going to miss out because I don't plan to have kids. But then I realize that I will just be able to focus more on me and my SO. I can travel and do whatever I want. I will never have to deal with having cheerios all over my car or crayon drawings on my wall. Maybe someday the urge to have a kid will hit me, but I'm not going to feel bad about having no intention of being a mother in the meantime.

Renee · Kenneth Cole

Well, I didn't babysit at all when I was a teen - the only time I tried it was a total fiasco (the kid wailed all the time). I didn't coo (still don't). I had no interest in babies until I was 27 or so. Then I felt the urge, but was still thinking I won't be able to cope with motherhood. When my son was born, I was afraid to hold him because I didn't know how, and I was so afraid I wouldn't bond with him. Well, 1,5 months later everything has changed and I couldn't be happier with who I am and more in love with my baby!

That said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children. It is a major personal choice, and it's natural to feel hesitant and even reluctant. Not having children does not prevent one from living a very full life. Whatever you decide, you own your life and your decisions. Making this kind of decision because of social pressure is dangerous to your mental health, imho.

Kelly · Hermes

Oh my gosh, I can't say how happy I am to hear from you ladies about this. I feel like its a huge weight on my mind, and it's so good to get some feedback on it. Sometimes I get these problems in my head and I go over and over them until I go crazy. And hearing from women who went through it...is so reassuring. Especially the ones who don't even like kids but love their own. Maybe if I decide I want kids later on, I actually might like them

Elle wrote:

Have you thought more about what makes you feel this way? Is there a specific thing/aspect you're afraid of? Definitely not trying to change your mind in any way, but maybe hashing some of that out would help you understand your position and feel more at peace with it ....

I'm not necessarily afraid of something. Right at this moment, I'm definitely not ready to be a mom. But in a few years I definitely think it's something that I could handle, but I just don't know if I want to handle it. There are a lot of things that I don't have the experience, etc. to handle right now, but I still want them and am looking forward to the day when I can. When I think about my future, it's completely ambiguous. I have goals and dreams, but really they're so varied that I know I won't be able to do them all. And that's fine. I feel like if I just accomplished one or two, I would be completely happy. So I envision myself in all of these different careers and paths and lifestyles... but whenever I envision myself taking care of kids, my heart sinks a little, like I'm disappointed. Not that I think motherhood is a disappointing thing, because I wish I had that urge, but disappointing to myself because it's not a situation that I look forward to. I hate that about myself, because like I said I LOVE my family with all my heart. Going home to see everyone is my most favorite way to spend a weekend, and I spend a lot of money, gas, and time going home whenever I can. I'm a very family-oriented person, or so I think until I think of myself with kids.

And what I hate the most, is that I think I would pass up on a great relationship because we disagreed in this area. My current BF wants a family more than anything - his big life dream is to be a stay at home dad (seriously! blows my mind...) and while we're so happy right now, I know that if we get really serious to the point where we start talking about marriage, it would probably be an issue that he would break up with me over because it's so important to him. But what if I marry some guy who assures me he doesn't want kids, and then in ten or fifteen years I decide I really do want a family more than anything? I'd be stuck then, too. It's not specifically about my current BF and I; we haven't been together long enough to even know where we're going. But we talk about our futures a lot and that's what got me thinking, because even if its not with him I could see myself being in this situation with someone I really did want to spend the rest of my life with. I try to force myself to get warm and fuzzy feelings over kids, but I know that's a completely counter productive thing to do and I'm probably damaging myself with it. I don't want to be a woman who resents her own children or her own husband for a lifestyle she finds out she doesn't really want.

zeitgeist4 wrote:

Anytime my aunts hear me say I don't want kids, they dismiss it like I'm a silly 8-year-old who isn't capable of making decisions.

Exactly! I can't completely rule out changing my mind about all of this in the future, but I hate when I say anything about it and people just laugh like I don't know anything yet. The thing that I hate the most is when my mom talks about it. She and I are such good friends now, and I want to talk to her about things like this - especially because she's the closest person to me who has actually been through a long marriage, kids, a career, etc. I feel like I need, and would value, her advice above any of my friends or other relatives. But whenever I say I don't think having a baby is my thing, she just says something like "that's not true" - not in a cruel way, but in a very dismissive way which makes me not even want to ask for her help or ask her to help me talk it out.

Whew... I sure said a lot. Anyone who makes it through all of that has my admiration and gratitude

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Elle wrote:

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with not liking children/babies and not wanting any of your own. Kids are hard fucking work, and if you don't feel the need to sign yourself up for that then that is absolutely your choice as a woman, as a person. People are wired differently. If someone really looooooves babies and can't wait to pop 4 or 5 out, is there something wrong with that? No, that's their choice. Would you choose it for yourself? Maybe, maybe not. That doesn't make them any more right or wrong than it does you. Just different strokes.

There is no such thing as right or wrong when it comes to how we feel, unless actions that harm ourselves or others follows those feelings.

That said, I know many many women who don't have a particular fondness for babies. Yet they LOVE their own babies (and still don't like other peoples babies!). I think that we see alot of what mothers are 'supposed' to be like in the media that is not really in line with real life, and therefore makes alot of people afraid and feeling inadequate. If you did have a kid, there's nothing stopping you from continuing your career, having hobbies and friends, whatever you want to do. You don't automatically have to morph into some weirdo Mom Person - you still just get to be you .

Have you thought more about what makes you feel this way? Is there a specific thing/aspect you're afraid of? Definitely not trying to change your mind in any way, but maybe hashing some of that out would help you understand your position and feel more at peace with it ....

What she said... Well put!

subwolley · Kate Spade

Oh thank the lord you started this thread! I am 28, soon to turn 29 years old, and I have NEVER had the desire to have kids. I also do not get excited when I see kids or babies, nor do I care to be around them. In fact, I find it annoying when people are like, "Look at my baby, isn't she cute?" NO!

Sometimes I think to myself, "When will I be ready to have kids?" I don't know the answer to that question, and I don't think it will be before the age of 40. I still feel young, and I'm enjoying life. I love the freedom I have, the freedom I wouldn't have if I had a kid.

I too have a boyfriend, of nine years, and he loves kids. But I've told him, "Look, I don't think I want kids, so I hope that's not going to be an issue with you." But he doesn't want kids now, but he will some day.

I don't think there is anything wrong with not liking or wanting kids. It's a lot of hard work, and let's face it, not all kids are angels.

I also get people looking at me weird, like there's something wrong with me, when I say I don't want kids. Someone I know told me one day, "I used to think there was something wrong with people if they didn't want kids." I could believe she said that, because it's a choice. I don't think you have to have kids to be fulfilled in life.

-- Edited by subwolley at 19:25, 2006-09-18

-- Edited by subwolley at 19:27, 2006-09-18

kenzie · Chanel

I'm 27 and could have absolutely could have written your post myself. Except I'm not worried b/c I feel this way. I have zero desire to have kids, never want to play with kids, never babysat. I've never even held a baby. I do not find babies overly cute (with a few rare exceptions). I'd rather have dogs. Fortunately, my mom is fine with the fact that her (and I quote), 'grandchildren may be furry and walk on all fours.'

I actually just recently met a guy who shares my feelings on children. It's become something that I need to find out pretty early on in a dating-- if a guy is hellbent on having kids, then he's not for me. I'm so career driven and I don't want anything to interrupt that.

So, no, you aren't abnormal. Not every woman is supposed to be a mom. Everyone has different priorities and different (pardon the sappiness) destinies.

-- Edited by kenzie at 19:44, 2006-09-18

halleybird · Hermes

ttara123 wrote:

And what I hate the most, is that I think I would pass up on a great relationship because we disagreed in this area. My current BF wants a family more than anything - his big life dream is to be a stay at home dad (seriously! blows my mind...) and while we're so happy right now, I know that if we get really serious to the point where we start talking about marriage, it would probably be an issue that he would break up with me over because it's so important to him. But what if I marry some guy who assures me he doesn't want kids, and then in ten or fifteen years I decide I really do want a family more than anything? I'd be stuck then, too.

FWIW -- and I don't know if it's the right thing for everyone -- my husband really wants a family too. He loves kids and is great with them. Although I think I do want kids now, when we got engaged I told him honestly that I wasn't sure. He said that marrying me was the most important thing to him. Kids or no kids, he said he'd deal. I think if you really aren't sure, you can/will find someone who loves that part about you.

blubirde · Chanel

I don't think you're weird at all. I don't want kids right now and the thought of them in my future gives me the heebie jeebies. That said, I'm open to the possibility I might change my mind.

If it makes you feel better, I like my niece and nephews. I love to hold babies (okay, for a little while only), and I babysat a lot when I was younger. And I still don't want them. I think little kid clothes are cute and I think little baby pink cowboy boots are pretty much the coolest thing ever. And I still don't want them. I don't want crying, I don't want my life to change so drastically, I don't want to be pregnant, I sure as hell don't want to squeeze something through my vagina, and I don't want to be responsible for something else's well being.

And I don't think it makes me weird at all. I think it makes me normal. I think if most women thought about what goes into having children and how their life would change, they wouldn't want them either. But lots of women do have kids and lots of women are sublimely happy being a mom. If you do decide to have kids, I do believe that things will change once you actually have it. There's probably something to be said for having a little squiggly thing dependent on just you to make you change your priorities. I'm just not there. And I don't know if I ever will be. And quite frankly, I think I'll be happier without little ones running around.

But anyway, I don't think you're weird at all. (obviously!)