STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

sfclinevandy · Coach

Friend's Wedding Drama *updated*

Elle · Hermes

RE: Friend's Wedding Drama

calichic · Dooney & Bourke

That kind of sucks. I don't think that she wants your new guy there because she doesn't know him (or does she?) and you guys haven't been together that long. I have read that etiquitte-wise as the marrying couple you do NOT HAVE TO invite friends SOs unless they are engaged or married. Is this a small affair? That might explain it. However, since she is your good friend, you could just ask her if you can bring him. If she says no and you are willing, you could offer to pay for whatever costs he would incur. So, if you want to bring him, you'd better bring it up, but be prepared for her to say no. (Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear.)

Mandy · Kate Spade

honestly, i didn't realize that proper ettiquette makes it ok to not invite guests. i understand its their day and they make want it to be intimate and not have stranger there, but you are also doing a lot for them by being there and supporting them. i think its only fair you get to bring a guest. i wouldn't dream of not letting people bring guests to my wedding. i would ask her about it. i would feel really uncomfortable at a wedding without a date.

member · Hermes

Mandy wrote:

honestly, i didn't realize that proper ettiquette makes it ok to not invite guests. i understand its their day and they make want it to be intimate and not have stranger there, but you are also doing a lot for them by being there and supporting them. i think its only fair you get to bring a guest. i wouldn't dream of not letting people bring guests to my wedding. i would ask her about it. i would feel really uncomfortable at a wedding without a date.

Ditto to everything Mandy said. I have never received a wedding invite that did not say "shopchicago & guest". I can't imagine not having the option and I wouldn't be comfortable w/out a date either. I would ask your friend nicely if you can bring him.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

I agree with what Elle said.

sfclinevandy · Coach

Thanks for the advice. I think I'm going to call and just play dumb and ask if its okay if I can bring the boy. The worst she could say is no. I'll act like I don't know anything about invite rules and say it would just be nice to have someone to dance with since everyone else is already coupled off.

As for space constraints, I would totally understand if this was an intimate event or a small, seated dinner. But it's a ceremony in a huge cathedral and heavy hors d'oerve buffet in a hotel ballroom. I guess my feelings are just hurt because she knew about the melt down I had at the last wedding I attended without a date (watch My Best Friend's Wedding with Julia Roberts because it could have been based on my experience) and had verbally told me to bring guy #1.

This is really catty, but I'm going to say it. J's parents are really cheap (hence the bar turning cash after the first hour) and this shouldn't be too suprising.

atlgirl · Gucci

I realize it's etiquette, but IMO it's not very considerate. Whether or not you are dating *anyone*, of course you'd want to bring a guest along if you can.

When we got married, we would never have even thought of sending along invites to single people with the expectation that they can't bring someone with them. We mailed every invitation with the assumption that people would bring a date. And many of them did. We wanted people to have fun at our wedding, and for most people, that means being able to bring a guest/date/friend. JMO

thrillme · BCBG

I definitely think you should call her and ask-- just flat out ask "would it be ok if I brought so and so"

The reason that I say to call her is this just happened to me. I was sending out invitations and I had so much on my mind that I completely spaced that two of my friends were dating someone and I knew their SO. They both called and asked and of course I told them to bring them. I know it was bad of me to forget and I really shouldn't have but call her and give her the benefit of a doubt and see what she has to say... then maybe you can hang up and call her ugly names depending on what she says

kenzie · Chanel

atlgirl wrote:

I realize it's etiquette, but IMO it's not very considerate. Whether or not you are dating *anyone*, of course you'd want to bring a guest along if you can.

I've actually not attended a few weddings when I wasn't allowed to bring a guest b/c I would have been the only single person there (everyone else was engaged/married and could, therefore, bring a guest). Mind you, I had a live-in boyfriend at the time, too. So, it would have really, really sucked. Watching everyone else dance while you're sitting there like the lone singleton. No thanks.

I agree with what atgirl said.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

This does suck. I was in a similar situation last summer when a good friend from college sent me his wedding invitation addressed to me only, and I'd been seeing my BF seriously for about 5 months when this happened. I emailed my friend, and basically said, "I don't want to be awkward, but I can't tell if I'm allowed to bring a guest to ths wedding or not. Either way it's okay, just let me know, no worries." And when he wrote back he said they'd done that on purpose so that everyone could decide on their own if they wanted to bring a date, and could then ask him and his fiancee. I thought it was kind of a random way to go about things, but I was allowed to bring my BF after all.

I don't want to hijack your post, but why is there always some drama with weddings? I swear, almost every wedding I've been to or was a part of had something to get people stressed out about! FWIW, I totally understand why you feel more hurt by this after you dropped $400 for a bachelorette party.

-- Edited by scarlett at 01:48, 2006-09-16

lovelygirl · Kenneth Cole

I realize that I may get flack for this, but I don't really understand why someone would have to be invited with a guest. Weddings are so ridiculously expensive as it is and there is already so much pressure on the bride and groom to balance inviting everyone they want to invite with a ballooning budget. If this is a couple having a huge, lavish wedding, then I can totally understand being peeved about not being able to bring a guest. But if this is the average wedding, the bride and groom are probably just trying to invite as many of their own family and friends as possible within their budget. I think adding the extra financial obligation of making sure that their friends are allowed to bring company for the evening is kind of unreasonable (save for fiancees or long-term significant others).

Honestly, if one of my friends invited me to a wedding without a guest, I wouldn't think twice. It's their special day and if I can't suck it up and try to enjoy myself without a date for a few hours for their benefit, then that's a shame.

sfclinevandy: I definitely agree that you should ask her because from your post it sounds like it could genuinely be an oversight on her part-- especially since she mentioned previously you could bring someone.

kittenheels · Coach

Oh dear! I actually had a similar situation come up at my wedding. One of my friends asked me about a month before the wedding if she could bring the man she had started dating a couple weeks earlier. I was in sort of an awkward position because the location for our wedding was quite small, and we were sort of tight on seating (I had a reception on the roof of an older hotel in Boston, and it was not a very big space for a seated dinner and dancing). DH and I had already decided that we weren't going to invite people with 'guest' unless they had been in a long term relationship, and/or we actually knew the guest. I had some friends with newish relationships that I would have then had to allow to bring guests too in order to be fair. I told her that it wasn't really possible. I think it's a delicate situation all around.

In your situation, you might want to confirm that she didn't intend to invite your boyfriend, since you were previously dating someone else. It seems like that is a very likely mistake. I hope it all works out!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

Yay!! So glad it worked out, especially without you having to say anything, phew!

-- Edited by esquiress at 16:20, 2006-09-18

ILoveChoo · Hermes

I dunno, hun, I wouldn't ask.

We didn't invite any guests to our wedding save for the 2 people that were coming in from out of state and literally wouldn't know a single person there other than us. Fiances and spouses were ok, but no boyfriends/girlfriends and def. no dates. We paid for everything ourselves and it's serisouly so much extra money for every additional head (its more than just the food, its place settings, an extra chair while could result in an extra table and therefor extra centerpieces, etc...)...we couldn't afford it and didn't see why we should have to.

Anyway, my one cousin asked my if she could bring her BF of a year and a half and I was really upset that she asked. No she can't bring him- did she see his name on the invitation? It really pissed me off and I still can't belive she had the nerve to ask. (Only made matters worse that after all that he showed up anyway. What?!)

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I already replied to this but I've been thinking about it since then...

I can see why people don't want to invite random strangers because of the extra costs -- weddings can be enormously expensive, obviously. Technically, the bride and groom are not obligated to include "and guest," but I think it's considerate to do so. Personally, I wouldn't care if a person was engaged or not -- if they were in a relationship, I would include "and guest" on the invitation, and if it was a single friend I would too. We've probably all been to weddings solo; it's not the end of the world to go alone, but it can feel awkward depending on who else is there (friends who include you, strangers who don't, etc.).

In this case, sfclinevandy is a close friend and has gone out of her way for the bride. I understand why she feels hurt. If you do ask your friend, sfclinevandy, my suggestion is to not outright ask if he can come, which would probably make things more awkward, but to tell her you feel a little confused and just wanted to clarify if he was invited or not. Also, just showing up with him could really be awkward, so I would suggest not doing that. There may be more going on that you don't know about with her family and the cost of the wedding. Good luck -- I hope it works out!

-- Edited by scarlett at 16:55, 2006-09-15

-- Edited by scarlett at 10:32, 2006-09-16

blubirde · Chanel

Ugh. Something similar happened to me when my BFF got married. I was the only bridesmaid and it ended up costing me a fortune (dress, showers, etc.). I assumed I could bring a date - even though it was a small wedding - and was talking to her about inviting my current BF (the only person I would have invited and we'd been dating for a few months at the time). She basically came out and said she didn't know why I'd invite him because he wouldn't know anyone and it's not like there'd be dancing or anything coupley like that.

I was a little bit hurt that she wanted me to come alone, mainly because I was putting a lot into her wedding and I didn't understand why I couldn't bring someone to hang out with when there would only be 2 or 3 other single people there. Basically the wedding was nice and all that but I would have enjoyed myself more if I'd been able to bring him. (She knew he was a big deal because I'd been perennially single up until then.) I thought it sucked that I was willing to go out of my way and spend a lot of money for her wedding and she wasn't willing to pay for my friend to come along to make my time spent more enjoyable. Does that make sense?

Anyway, it still bugs me but it was her wedding and I went along with what she wanted, because that's what friends do. But since she was a good friend (and it sounds like your friend is a good one also), I had no problem asking about bringing a date. If it was rude, I didn't know it. Besides, close friends overlook things like that, don't they? If it were me and she was a good friend of mine, I wouldn't feel weird asking her about bringing a date. I'd also make it clear that I'd do whatever she wanted, but I was just curious since she'd mentioned bringing a date earlier on in the wedding talks.

Keep us updated!

P.S. Wedding etiquette sucks. Who knows all these dumb rules??

member · Hermes

blubirde wrote:

I thought it sucked that I was willing to go out of my way and spend a lot of money for her wedding and she wasn't willing to pay for my friend to come along to make my time spent more enjoyable. Does that make sense?

I couldn't have said this any better myself and that's exactly how I feel!

halleybird · Hermes

I think it's OK to talk to her about it, as long as you're nice and don't make her feel bad if she says no. For the record, I invited every single friend I have with an "and guest," and I think it would have been a nice thing for her to do.

Also, I had a cash bar at my wedding after the first hour, and I didn't consider it cheap or tacky. JMO, of course, but not everyone can afford more.

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I hope you call your friend and ask if you can bring your new boy.

Weddings may be extremely expensive, but I honestly feel it's the hosts responsibility (read, bride and groom's responsibility) to make sure everyone is comfortable and having a good time.

When I was planning my wedding, everyone who was of dating age got their own invite, complete with "and guest" I absolutly had people at my reception that I didn't know and have never seen again as their relationship with the invitee didn't last. But, I also know that my friend had a good time and wasn't standing in the corner while everyone danced.

Since their are signs of 'lack of wedding ettiquette' (I was at a wedding once that not only had a cash bar, but the bride and groom had a plated steak dinner while the rest of us picked through dry chicken at a buffett) I say ask her, but accept her decision and go no matter what.

-gd