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blubirde


Chanel

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My BFF did something stupid and she doesn't realize it was stupid.
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One of my BFFs lives in another state. We've known each other since junior high and we talk on the phone about twice a week. She's great but she's lonely. She constantly moves for her job and it doesn't really allow for any serious friend-making or dating or anything like that. Usually she'll call me after some wild affair with some guy, which is totally cool, and we gossip and giggle like schoolgirls.


This time she called me with a similar story only the current guy is married and has three kids!! It was pretty horrifying for me to hear. I've had girlfriends that have made mistakes with married men before, so I'm not here to judge. What was so hard to hear was how lightly she was taking the whole thing. She was going on and on about how hot he was, the stuff they did, what he was like, etc., etc., etc. She even went on about how they were going to hang out the next night and the next time she was in his town (he was in her town on business and was a friend of a friend).


I finally broke down on Wednesday and told her that I was disappointed in her and I was actually a little worried about her. (I am - she's lonely and her self-esteem isn't that great - all catalysts for disaster.) Anyway, it didn't go well. She basically got mad at me for disapproving and told me she wasn't sorry she'd done it.


Last night we talked again and she was more sane. She said she thought I was right and she wouldn't see him again, yadda, yadda, yadda. But then today she sends me pics of that evening (before the hooking up). First of all, I don't want to see them. Second, doesn't she get it? It's not something that was fun and needs to be remembered in fun pictures.


I just don't know what to do or say to her. I said what I thought and she's had several different reactions to it, the end being pics from the evening. I'm frustrated and annoyed and a little bit pissed that she continues to act like she didn't do anything wrong.


All that said, I could never think less of her for any of this because she's an awesome person and I love her dearly. None of that would ever change. I'm just worried and frustrated, I suppose.


Does anyone have any advice as to how to act in this situation? Any similar situations? I'm seriously at a loss...



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NCshopper


Hermes

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blubirde wrote:

I just don't know what to do or say to her. I said what I thought and she's had several different reactions to it, the end being pics from the evening. I'm frustrated and annoyed and a little bit pissed that she continues to act like she didn't do anything wrong.

All that said, I could never think less of her for any of this because she's an awesome person and I love her dearly. None of that would ever change. I'm just worried and frustrated, I suppose.



How about just saying to her what you said right here?  I think that sums it up very well.  Something along the lines of "I'm a little bit baffled here and I'm not sure what to even say.  I've told you my opinion on this situation and I'm frustrated, annoyed, and a little pissed that you continue to think there's nothing wrong with the situation.  I don't think any less of you and our relationship isn't going to change because I love you dearly, but I'm just worried and frustrated.  If you continue to pursue a relationship with this person, please know that I don't and won't approve of it.  I feel really strongly about this when I ask you please not to talk about this situation to me anymore.  I'm sorry you won't be able to turn to me if you need me on this one, but I'm drawing the line here."


My BFF had an affair with a married guy with two kids and I basically had to have the same conversation with her.  I told her I loved her, but that I couldn't support this behavior and to find someone else to talk to about it if she needed someone.  It's not easy, but hopefully you might just knock some sense into her.



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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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yikes.  ok, i totally feel you.  it's really really really hard when a close friend makes decisions that you think are flat-out bad decisions.  because on the one hand, you think/know she's making a bad decision but on the other hand, haven't we all to a certain degree and you're her friend so who are you to judge.  so it's like you're alternately horrified, worried and guilt-ridden.  this is not fun.


Edited to delete, sorry!


the moral of my three stories:  you must walk a tightrope in these kind of situations.  you can't act too disapproving because if you do you will lose her and nothing good will come of that.  you can't just shrug your shoulders thereby validating her decision because nothing good will come of that either.  what you really need to do is figure out how and why her self-esteem got so low that she feels that she can't do better than this.  it just sounds like she feels really hollow and is looking for anything to make that feeling go away.  and she's in such straits that she's lost the ability to care about how her decisions affect others.  she needs help.  you are probably going to have to ask some tough questions.  number 1 being why doesn't she feel like she deserves better than this?  just keep talking to her from a place where she understands you just want the best for her.  don't let her feel like you're talking down to her from a perch of moral superiority.  hope this helps and i'm pm'ing you right now.



-- Edited by esquiress at 13:19, 2006-08-28

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