STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kitty · Hermes

Relationship crisis

asf · Kate Spade

i have no advice, but i'm with ya sister. i have 8 years invested in a relationship that is driving me fucking insane.

in fact, i'm too annoyed to even write more about it right now, but i may later. or you can pm me if you want and we can bitch to each other.

guys suck. the end.

Hermes

Kitty wrote:

I don't know what is wrong with me. Recently, I've just been questioning everything with my boyfriend and whether or not I should break up with him. I feel like I can't think straight and that I can rationalize any decision inside my head - like convince myself everything is fine and I'm happy or convince myself this is all wrong and I need to break up immediately. We have some problems that we're trying to work out (I don't really want to go into it) and i do love him, but sometimes I just feel like something just isn't right. I don't know if this is just natural worry/doubt (I tend to be like that with most things) or if I should listen to my doubts more seriously. I also feel like I can't trust myself since I really messed things up with my last relationship and I have a lot of regrets there. I also just freak out when I think about having to date new people, or move out of our shared apartment, or be without him. Ack. I'm so lost and I've kept all this bottled in for so long because I almost feel like I don't know how to explain it to someone. Any help, thoughts, words of wisdom would be appreciated...

sounds a lot like my marriage of 10 years. what I did was ask myself what I really wanted and my husband almost fits the bill and I'm not about to go back on the market. I'm lucky to have what I have and the grass is not always greener on the other side.

in a nutshell, this is what a lot of relationships end up like. sometimes we need to check our expectations as they may not be realistic... weigh the good against the bad... figure out what's really important to us and what we really want in a partner...

killa · Dooney & Bourke

I have been in situations like this, and I find it really helps to write down what you want.

Now, I don't think that there is anyone PERFECT out there. (At least for me, my wishlist is quite extensive.)

Maybe prioritize the things you want and will not negotiate about. And where does your current BF fit into all that?

Sometimes it just makes more sense and seems simpler on paper.

Let us know what you come up with.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i don't remember how old you are, but i went through this when i was 22/23. (i'm only 24 now). and i think it's something that happens in most relationships (i feel like a couple people at that age have posted the same problem on the board).

but, i'm with D., you've got weigh what he does right and what you still need from him and see which list is longer.

blubirde · Chanel

Think of your future - kids, marriage, houses, vacations, whatever you think of when you think of the future - is he there? More importantly, does him in the picture make those thoughts of the future better or worrisome? Finally, think of the problems you have now and the faults your guy has now. If those never go away and it's going to be the same fight over and over, is that something you can live with?

For me, that's the way I evaluate relationships. Can I handle the bad forever and do I think he could enhance the good? If yes, then great. If no, then my advice is to end it sooner rather than later.

Oh and btw, I think it's completely natural to question your relationship. Even when people are completely in love with each other and seemingly "perfect" for one another, things don't always work out. We should always question ourselves and our SOs to make sure we're all still on the same path.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Having messed things up with your first relationship, and having regrets, seems like it would make you trust yourself MORE, not less. You know more now than you did then, about yourself, about what you want, about what kind of people work in your life. In the end, all you have is yourself. So you have to be completely honest with yourself at all times. And forget everything else.

This may sound kind of funny coming from the girl who messes up everything herself - but really sweetie, the biggest mistakes I've ever made have always been when I was trying to make sure things looked righ tto other people, not when I was listening to the voice inside myself that said, 'Things LOOK like this, but they FEEL different..."

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I went through this a year ago and I went with my gut and I haven't been happier but I also knew that it was the right decision I just took forever making it. I'm not sure your situation or what yall are "working" on but you know better than anyone else if it really is "workable" or just something to keep you in a relationship because you don't think you can go out there and try again (nothing against you I felt that way for a long time).

Kitty · Hermes

There are definitely a lot of good things there: He's very caring, supportive, loving, kind, and giving. I know he will be there for me in the long haul. When I had surgery a couple years back he was AMAZING in taking care of me. He even spent the night in the hospital in a chair next to my bed because he was worried I wouldn't get proper attention from nurses if he wasn't there.

The stuff that we are working bothers me a lot, but he is genuinly making an effort to change and so I feel like I can't just abandon him..ya know? I think it would be different if he wasn't even trying. I think I will definitely break up if things don't improve..but I feel like I at least owe him the opportunity to change.

Also, sometimes I feel like I project my unhappiness onto him. Like, things I"m unhappy with in my life or in general I'll sometimes find myself blaiming on him. I'll think, 'if only I had a boyfriend who was more into x, y, or z" And really, those things are probably just as much my fault as they are his.

I feel like there's this ideal relationship that gets planted in people's heads about how you're supposed to be so so happy in your relationship and it's always sunshine and roses and easy as long as your in love...and its never been like that for me.

atlgirl · Gucci

I feel like I can't just abandon him

I understand your wanting to give him a chance. But don't end up wasting time out of a vague feeling of guilt (or whatever) because you think you *should*. Trust, once gone, is really, really hard to win back. It takes a long time, and sometimes once it's betrayed, it's impossible to get it back.

it's always sunshine and roses and easy as long as your in love

Anyone who thinks this IMO is fooling themselves. Relationships take WORK. Some relationships take less work than others, but they all take work. I've been married for six years and dated DH for nearly two years before getting married. And sometimes, it *is* "sunshine and roses and easy" but any relationship will have its ups and downs. Sometimes relationships end up in a lot more "downs" than "ups" and then it's probably time to re-evaulate and ask, "Do I really want/need this in my life?".

I am sorry you're going through this. *hugs*

laken1 · Hermes

Kitty wrote:

The stuff that we are working bothers me a lot, but he is genuinly making an effort to change and so I feel like I can't just abandon him..ya know? I think it would be different if he wasn't even trying. I think I will definitely break up if things don't improve..but I feel like I at least owe him the opportunity to change.

Well, this is the part that bothers me. IMO people only change until the crisis is over (ie, thinks you will leave) and then they fall back into their natural pattern. I say it depends on the issue you are working on - obviously it is something that is important to you or he wouldn't be "working on it" - for example, my ex hubby oggled other women something awful. He made remarks about them to other men & it really bugged me & made me insecure in our relationship & he knew that. When I would threaten to leave over it (or did while we were dating) it would stop until we weren't fighting anymore. Then right back to it as soon as it seemed we were settled. Does that makes sense? This is just one example but I think you can see what I mean.

Also, I'd have a real problem if my boyfriend said I had to completely change something about myself in order for him to be happy with me. Again, I guess it depends on what it is. If they said "you have to stop being a liar" then sure, I'd agree with that, but if they said "You have to be skinny" or want me to change something about the way I naturally am (social, etc) then I'd have issues. I guess I always look at it like if you can't be who you really are around that person then they aren't the person for you - again, unless the behavior is something out right destructive.

I hate that you are going through this - I agree with the list. As silly as it sounds, sometimes it's easier to see on paper.

I hope this doesn't seem harsh or mean - I'm just trying to give another perspective.
{{hugs}}

Kitty · Hermes

Okay, just because there seems to be some concern regarding what we're working on..

Basically, it's my boyfriends inability to open up. He's very reserved and closed off. he'll be very affectionate, caring, etc. But he rarely talks to me about what he's thinking and feeling. It drives me nuts. He does open up if given enough space and time, but he has real emotional issues letting me inside. He's going to therapy to try to work on opening up and he knows it's a problem...it just drives me crazy because my last boyfriend was the opposite extreme and I'm used to talking about feelings/thoughts all the time.

brazilian · Dooney & Bourke

Hmmm. Im going to start by saying that I know how you feel. With both you questioning your relationship and your bf. My bf has a similar problem. Well, I dont know how similiar...but anyway. The first fight we got into he had to be by himself and not talk to me. This might not seem so bad to some people, but I HAVE to talk things out right away otherwise I get paranoid about what he is thinking, etc. Well he still does this sometimes, where he just doesnt want to talk to me. And honestly, it still bothers me. I wish he could do things my way, but thats not always the case.

It sounds like your bf is really trying hard to change, especially for you, to make you happy. I think you need to give it time. It may not ever be how you want it though. That might be something you have to think about though. If he still holds back sometimes, can you handle that? Like everyone else said, I think its good to measure the good and bag things. Also like blubird said, do you picture him in your future?

I hope everything works out the way you want them to. You always ahve all the girls here to help you out!!

poptart · Coach

-- Edited by poptart at 13:01, 2006-09-13