STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Metric · Gucci

girls with musician SOs

lynnie · Chanel

my exbf is in 3 bands right now- and while we were dating, it was always at least 2. I never said exactly what I thought. I'm not saying thats the best way to go about it, but he was happy, and I knew it would be something that would really bruise his ego, even if the constructive criticism would help them get better. I think i border on the verge of being too critical in my mind though. Maybe you can set him up with other musicians, or offer just one piece of advice at a time- anything to avoid just listing everything that you don't like at once. I think the fact that he is happy is what matters at this point- if he is considering getting serious with the band- then i'd say more about what i honestly felt.

Hermes

my so is not a musician, but maybe there's a way you can discuss it that won't bruise his ego or put him on the defense? like, "I think the band sounds great - especially you sounded great. What kind of experience do the other guys have?" he replies, "not much" or something. then ask him what he thinks of that (vs. agreeing and offering your opinion)

my point is, is lead him to say these things and ask him what he thinks about it. There's no dishonesty, but it helps bring things to light. If he sees where you're going, and prods you to be honest with him or he puts words in your mouth like, "you think we suck and you just don't want to tell me," just acknowledge what his opinion is about the band and agree with it, and tell him all that matters is if he's happy playing with them and gets some gigs out of the deal.

blubirde · Chanel

My BF isn't a musician but he does have his own creative outlet. I've actually never dated a guy who wasn't a musician, artist, writer, something. I've found that the best way to go about these things is to a) only respond when asked and b) only tell the good things you've noticed. (In your case you could focus on how happy he seems to be playing again; how much fun they seem to be having together; etc.) As far as the rest, he'll figure it out on his own. He probably already knows they aren't that good but just isn't ready to admit it yet.

And like D suggested, there are always way to subtlely point out some different options. Find another band posting (say a friend's SO is in 2 bands - ha! thanks ST), ask questions about how much experience they have - out of curiosity only, etc. But I'd leave the criticism to him. He'll figure it out for himself, especially if he's as good as you say he is.

Good luck!

cc · Marc Jacobs

I know this is so silly but one of my worst nightmares is dating a guy and realizing that I hate his band/painting/whatever because I wouldn't know how to deal with it!

My ex is a musician and I was always pretty vocal with what I thought about songs he had written and the shows he played, etc. but it was never really a problem because 1. I liked almost everything he did, 2. he was hyperaware and hypercritical so usually if his band played a bad show instead of having to lie and pretend that they sounded great I would have to reassure him that it wasn't a big deal. When I did tell him that I didn't like a song instead of attributing it to the fact that I am not a musician he would usually take it lightly and just say "oh that's because you don't like songs that feature X, Y, or Z."

Most of my other friends are in bands and luckily I usually only have positive things to say and they do seem to value my opinion and take it well when I (gently) criticize something. However I do have a few friends in bands that I really don't think are good or interesting. I'll go to the shows and if they ask me what I thought I'll just say something lame like "it was a fun show!"

I agree that the main thing to focus on is the fact that your boyfriend is happy with this band. And blubirde's right - he's a great musician and I'm sure he knows that the other guys in the band aren't at his level. If I were you I would just tell him that you're glad he found people that he can play with but you think he is by far the best player in the band. It's honest and, even better, it's an ego boost.

BargainQueen · Marc Jacobs

DH used to be in a band b4 we got married and occasionally he'll sub or go to their practices now. He plays the keyboard and bass. I always supported him, but since I don't play or anything I never really said a lot about their talents, and like you said, if I did, it came out wrong and he got mad at me and said "you dont know anything about music".

If he asked I would say, "Are they just starting out, or have they been playing for a while?" blah blah and then I'd say, "Oh, I think you're the most talented of them all, they're pretty lucky to have you, maybe y'all will learn a lot from ea. other".

FWIW, DH is really into his music and I would say it's his passion. Therefore, any comments in regards to the band or him, he really takes seriously and maybe take the wrong way, I would just be careful to not be brutally honest, cuz he may get all butt hurt, kwim?

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

cc wrote:

My ex is a musician and I was always pretty vocal with what I thought about songs he had written and the shows he played, etc. but it was never really a problem because 1. I liked almost everything he did, 2. he was hyperaware and hypercritical so usually if his band played a bad show instead of having to lie and pretend that they sounded great I would have to reassure him that it wasn't a big deal.

This is exactly my situation with my BF too--I feel very lucky that I'm not usually stuck in a situation of having to be really delicate with his feelings. He knows when a singer is flat (including himself), he knows when a show was bad, he knows when a band is bad--when I first met him he was in this awful band and he quit them almost immediately cause he couldn't deal with how bad they were. Then again, he is a bass player and thus has the luxury of picking and choosing (there aren't too many of them). But I think blubirde's suggestion is the right way to handle it.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Ok, I don't have a musician significant other. But i've totally dated/married/chased after/BELIIEVED in the guy who says, "i totally value your opinion," then freaks when it isn't what he wants to hear. It's a no win - as you said, a Catch-22. And um, maybe it couldn't hurt to get out. Now. Before it gets worse. It has nothing to do with what you know about music. And everything to do with him.

Not that he's not a nice guy, because obviously he has his good points. Just that if he really can't stand your honest opinion, then he's not strong enough to be in a real relationship. You can't only hear him when he says you're WONDERFUL, right? Or if it is something that he does need to agree with you on, like maybe that your best friend is charmingly flaky, not a schizo, then it's a dealbreaker anyway? Maybe there's something about music that I'm missing. But it sounds like you have at least as much right as he does to offer an opinion...

erin · Chanel

my husband isn't in a band, but sometimes he djs. i do offer constructive criticism when i go see him spin. ie, i will say "some of the songs didn't flow" or notice if people weren't dancing to some things so he can adjust his set list accordingly for next time. i try to be as positive as possible when i say these things, though.

he has started to listen to some really shitty house/techno music lately, though, and i can't get behind that and tell him as much!