STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Poll: Emotional cheating?

erin · Chanel

well let me say i get "crushes" on people all the time, and sometimes i tell my husband about them. (ie, i had thriftstoreguy crush for about 6 months) but i think it really depends. i would never act on any of my crushes, and i wouldn't fault my husband for having crushes (provided he didn't act on them) either...

but i have a feeling you mean more than this...

tri_sarah_tops · Marc Jacobs

Honestly, I would have a much harder time dealing with emotional cheating than I would with physical cheating, but I guess it depends on the level of emotions involved. If my husband were to really fall for someone else, I would have a really hard time forgiving him, even if he never acted on it physically. To me, that's kind of like the ultimate betrayal because real relationships are based on so much more than sex. IMO, although I'd be pretty pissed/hurt if he slept with some random chic he didn't care about, I'd feel much worse if he had genuine feelings for someone. I don't know if I'd leave him, but I'd feel really insecure in the relationship because in the back of my mind I'd always be wondering if he wished he were with her instead of me.

Whatever happened, I'm sorry and I hope everything works out ok for you.

Metric · Gucci

my bff and her husband (aka The Asshat) are divorcing b/c he has been a serial emotional cheater. He has emotionally cheated on her all through their10 years of marriage and dating. Then last fall, he finally decided he wanted to be with one of these women, kicks out my bff and their 2 babies, woman dumps Asshat, Asshat begs bff back, bff won't go back to him...yadda yadda...its ugly and messy and just as bad as cheating, imo. But that's a bit of a different situation, I suppose. But I guess what I mean to say is that I'd hate to see someone else I care about getting on this "emotional cheating" rollercoaster.
Honey pie...if you want to talk call me any time. Or I'll see you in a few days anyways.

When I opened this up, I thought it said emotional eating and I was like...oooh Guilty!

-- Edited by Metric at 12:59, 2006-07-31

Tashina · Kate Spade

i have been having some issues with this lately as well. my hubby is not in this sittuation but i think i may be. i have been thinking about a friend of mine that i haven't seen in 4 1/2 years but when we were friends i had very strong feelings for him and the only thing that kept us from getting together was he wsa pining for someone else. anyway, i haven't even talked to him or spoke to him in years, but i saw him driving a few weeks ago and then right after that i found out a mutual friend of ours that i also haven't talked to in years, comitted suicide. the3 of us were very close and ever since this, i have been thinking about him and dreaming about him a lot. so, i don't think i am cheating yet, but i need to get him out of my head, or i will be. even though, i would never act on it in a million years. i feel really bad about it.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

I have been thinking a lot about this lately too. Here is what I think.

1. If I am around someone cute that I guess you could say I had a crush on, I do admit that I flirt. I think it's something that can't really be helped. I also have dreams about cute boys, or ex boyfriends, or whatever. These things I think are natural and innocent and something that people really can't help. I think it's your minds natural way to "have your cake and eat it too" without doing something stupid in real life, like you get to cheat in your dreams. I do not think daydreaming about a cute boy (or girl if it is a guy) is emotional cheating.

2. What I do think is emotional cheating is when you are "emotionally involved" with someone else. This goes way beyond flirting. I think when a guy and a girl share intimate and personal feelings or have those kinds of discussions is when it becomes a problem. I had a boyfriend in college and I had a crush on another guy. We flirted a lot because we worked together. I never physically cheated with him, but I admit that I did emotionally cheat with him. We would go out for coffee sometimes after work and talk about very intimate things, I would complain about my boyfriend, and I would lie to my boyfriend about being with or talking to this guy. That was emotional cheating.

I think if you are with someone and you wouldn't want them knowing about what you and someone of the oppisite sex talked about, it is a problem.

Just my opinion!

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

it's never happened to me, but I know I would have a really hard time getting past it if I did. I'm not sure I could or would want to get past it.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

It's never happened to me, but my Dh took me back after I did it to him and it's worked out fine.

I think I would do the same. I'm not the type to belive there's only one person for anybody, so if you happen to find two equally attractive people at the same time/overlapping/whatever its not really your fault. It becomes your fault when you act on it in a physical way or refuse to choose between the two. You can't help what you feel or make yourself stop liking someone.

-- Edited by ILoveChoo at 17:02, 2006-07-31

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I'm probably in the minority. Overall, I think that emotional cheating is hurtful. But I wouldn't see it as a dealbreaker. Because he respected me, himself and our relationship enough not to take it to the next level. If he fessed up to it on his own, he would get full points. If he didn't, he would get credit for not really knowing how to handle it. But really, I think you're always going to have feelings and impulses. And relationships are always going to be in good and bad places - but it's what you CHOOSE to DO that defines who you are. And if he chose not to get involved, that would speak very well for him. He shoudl then take the next step and tell me about it, but I can sort of see why he would just want to handle it on his own, too, without getting me all freaked out.

Also, seriously, I've been cheated on physically, and it was the physical part that made me sick. You can't help who you're attracted to, but you can help giving in to it. And that's what hurt me the most. That I didnt' matter enough to even try to stay true to. And that he couldn't face up to what he'd done/kept doing and LIED until he'd been so thoroughly caught that there was no "You're crazy and making this up" ground left for him to stand on.

Edit: I read the other posts, and I hadn't thought about the slimy kind of emotional cheating - the I'll-just-go-as-far-as-I-can-without-being-the-bad-guy. That I wouldn't forgive. But if he's that kind of guy, there are probably some other REALLY big issues too. I was thinking of it in the two-good-people-who-really-feel-a-connection-but-decide-not-to-act-on-it way. That I think is normal and forgivable.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 19:53, 2006-07-31

NCshopper · Hermes

Take the following from a person that hasn't been cheated on emotionally and hasn't done it either. But, for what it's worth, my opinion:

I would have a hard time forgiving it. I don't think that just because he didn't physically cheat it somehow shows that he respects you enough not to do that. I think emotional cheating is worse. Sex is sex, but when you share your dreams, opinions, passions, etc with someone else, that's time that should have been invested in the relationship. I understand having a physical crush--thinking someone is attractive--but acting on that, be it physically or emotionally, is not okay.

If it were me, I think I'd find it extremely difficult to get over.

I'm sorry if you're going through this.

travelgirl · Kate Spade

I don't think it is ever right to have an emotional relationship with anyone else if you are in a marriage or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (I am assuming here that the guy you are talking has admitted to/been caught having an interactive relationship with someone but hasn't had physical contact with this person). I agree with some of the others who said this is even more hurtful than having a physical relationship with someone. The main issue here is respect. If you engage in a emotional relationship with someone other than your significant other then you are showing NO respect for your significant other. Sure, it is natural to be attracted to many people during your life but the point of a committed relationship is that, well...you are committed to ONE person-body AND mind!

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

NCshopper wrote:

Take the following from a person that hasn't been cheated on emotionally and hasn't done it either. But, for what it's worth, my opinion:

I would have a hard time forgiving it. I don't think that just because he didn't physically cheat it somehow shows that he respects you enough not to do that. I think emotional cheating is worse. Sex is sex, but when you share your dreams, opinions, passions, etc with someone else, that's time that should have been invested in the relationship. I understand having a physical crush--thinking someone is attractive--but acting on that, be it physically or emotionally, is not okay.

If it were me, I think I'd find it extremely difficult to get over.

I'm sorry if you're going through this.

I agree with this.

Oh, and I have cheated and been cheated on..in a previous life (college).

blubirde · Chanel

I have mini-crushes all the time. Most recently during the World Cup there was this guy and oh! the things I imagined! But I would have never acted on them. Or even had the nerve to start a conversation with him. Hee. I'm so lame.

BUT my ex emotionally cheated on me a few times. (I didn't ever really name it until now.) It was horrible. He might as well have physically cheated because that's what it felt like. I always forgave him because it wasn't actually cheating, at least that's what I thought at the time. But our final night together he went to a party with some friends and didn't come home until 7 in the morning. He wouldn't answer the cell and he knew I was at his house waiting for him. When he finally came home he started talking about this girl he'd met and how they'd had such great conversation, etc., etc., etc. (even though he made it clear she had a boyfriend - whatever) and that was just it. I finally saw everything for what it was and I realized his actions were about respect and that was all there was to it. I dumped him within 20 minutes of him coming home and I never looked back.

So I can't say I wouldn't ever forgive emotional cheating but to me, it's one and the same as physically cheating. I can't say never because I can't predict the future but I can say, with some experience and clarity, that it would be a seriously hard thing to forgive and move past.

I'm sorry this is happening to you because I know how horrible it feels. PM me if you want to talk to someone who knows what you're feeling.

Oh yeah, boys suck. Boo.

Misty · Dooney & Bourke

Oh relrel, so sorry you're going through this. We're here if you need us. ((hugs))

Ok, so I don't know what it's like to be emotionally cheated on bec. I was the guilty one. I emotionally cheated on my ex-husband though he never knew the extent of my relationship with this person. All I can say is that this other guy appeared to have all of the qualities that my then-husband didn't. He was a sweet and sensitive guy (still lived at home with his mom bec. his dad passed a few years before) and fed in to every complaint I had about my marriage. In turn, I started going through a "grass is greener" phase and began to wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. By all accounts, he was an overall nicer guy than my ex -- I could never imagine him calling me f'in stupid, or telling me that all I cared about was "fashion and entertainment", and he genuinely cared about other people. He is a great guy and is now happily married.

The bottom line is that I felt like many things were missing in my relationship and so I sought to fill those voids. People seek validation, assurance, affirmation of love -- I'm not justifying why I or others did/might do this, but just trying to provide reasoning. I know it was wrong and I acknowledged that it was.

Hope everything is okay with you, sweetie.

kenzie · Chanel

I think it's tough. Physical cheating sucks, but men tend to be so detached when it comes to sex that I find that if a guy is cheating emotionally, it hurts more.

Thinking about the actual legistics of physical cheating makes my stomach churn, but emotional cheating runs so much deeper and hits the core of a relationship. For a guy to cheat emotionally, it means he's invested in the other person and probably opened up to them with his emotions and feelings (not necessarily about feelings for them, but feelings about things in general), whereas, I've known many guys who cheated physically and it was a love 'em and leave 'em type of situation.

For me, either kind of cheating is tough to get over. I hope you're doing okay, relrel, whatever it is you're going through. Sorry for the rather inarticulate post. I'm a bit tired.

Metric, I emotional eating---hehe. That made me giggle.

relrel · Marc Jacobs

Thanks ladies for all your kind thoughts and words. Reading what other people have gone through and your own personal decisions about emotional cheating have really helped. I feel really good about myself and about the bf and our relationship. When I found out, I felt like puking and wasn't in a good place, but I'm much better now and that really is in no small part to you guys and your thoughts. Thanks again.

Alegria · Kate Spade

Not sure if you had a chance to read my previous relationship post, but it was on this very subject. I have not only experienced it but also have done quite a bit of reading on it. I think that every situation is different and the degree of emotional cheating varies. Many people feel that it is safe to ge emotionally involved with another person as long as you don't cross the physical boundaries. I am not one of those people. After this happened to me, I realized that it would have been "easier" to forgive if it had been physcal cheating instead of emotional. It would have been easier to decide what to do after that. Emotional cheating can absolutely crush the person who has been betrayed and make them feel insecure not only with themselves but with the relationship.

Sorry, I can't finish. I've got to go get my son from his friends house. I'll continue late if you want me to or you can PM me. I'm so sorry this is happening and I am here if you need anything.