STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

honey · Gucci

i may be reading way too much into this

Kelly · Hermes

He may have just been saying "do you still want to go, if you haven't found a date for it since I said I'd be gone"

However, what makes me think it's something more is his comment "then you wouldn't date me." While I'm interested in the kind of people my guy friends want to date, I never really compare that image to myself unless I'm hoping to be the kind of person he'd date.

I don't know how to make the situation "go away," but I was kind of in this situation a while ago and I would mention dates to my friend, mention hot guys, etc. I know that sounds bitchy, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if we actually sat down and had a conversation about the fact that he wanted to date me but I didn't want to date him, it just would be awkward. Sometimes it's easier to dance around the issue until both parties just come to realize what will or won't happen. Then he can decide if he still wants you as a friend.

cc · Marc Jacobs

I don't know...have there been any other signs?
I've had conversations like that with some of my guy friends and made similar "joking" comments - sometimes I haven't been interested at all and there were definitely no feelings on either side, sometimes I've been somewhat interested and was trying to feel things out, sometimes I was just being fake flirty. At this point I think you should continue to ignore any of these comments and try to keep giving off "not interested, not available" signals and see what happens.

twinkle · Coach

don't think you're reading too much into it... sounds like he would like to be more than friends, to me.

but i am definitely of the "guys cannot just be friends" school of thought!

Maddie · Coach

I think it sounds like he might be interested, but if you continue sending platonic signs he won't push it.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

it could go either way but i wouldn't sweat it. there is a possibility that this guy sees you as more than just a friend--after all, how could he not? you're perfect! but i don't necessarily think that's the case. plenty of my guy friends have said the same sort of thing to me because, frankly, they're vain. they want to know they're desirable and who better than to ask than someone of the opposite sex? especially if we're talking about race, religion, looks, how much money they make, etc.--you know, things that a girl they were dating would never admit to thinking about. guys often really want the inside scoop so if they have friends who are girls, this convo might very well come up. or maybe he's into someone like you (same age, looks, race, whatever) and is using your responses to figure out if he has a chance with her.

anyway, here's how I send my "just friends" vibe:

1. have a "chaperone" as much as possible, a guy and a girl hanging out by themselves is just naturally going to cause a "hmm..." from somebody. like even if the guy or girl doesn't think of it on their own, somebody's bound to mention it, like "you and so-and-so have been hanging out quite a bit..." hanging out in groups of three or more at least limits, and hopefully eliminates, that kind of thinking/talking.

2. don't hang out on "date" nights (like sat. night) unless rule one is being followed.

3. talk about whatever guy i'm into at the moment. i know a guy friend is for sure just a friend when his advice is given with my best interests at heart, as opposed to some ulterior motive (like him wanting to get with me or not wanting to "share" me, etc.). i can usually just tell with this one.

4. dress down sometimes. this one's the hardest for me to follow but sometimes it's necessary.

5. make comments that make him realize you think of him as a sibling, not a romantic prospect.

6. watch the physical contact. a hug here and there is okay, if the occassion warrants it but be careful of cuddling--we all know there's nothing "just friends" about that.

anyway, just keep sending out "just friends" vibes and i think you'll be fine. hope that helps!

ETA: as for the general question about whether guys and girls can just be friends, i think they can. and they should because they give each other a great perspective on things. however, i do think that at some point in the friendship, usually in the beginning, one or both parties tries to feel the other person out. and when that happens as long as the just friends vibes are being given and are registering, it usually just works itself out without either person having to verbalize anything. in fact, i think that if verbalization does occur, it's because the just friends signals either weren't being given or weren't registering. which sucks because ironically, nothing ruins a friendship faster than having to have the "just friends" talk.

-- Edited by esquiress at 23:04, 2006-07-27