STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Lilykind · Hermes

another age question re: long term relationships

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Hmmm.... I think what people are responding to is the idea that he was so much older than you are when you were 16 - he was something like 27 when you met, right? In Victorian times, this was really common and even encouraged (although I can't think of a good example from a novel right now). And obviously it can work sometimes. But today, it's less typical. Does that make sense? So they want to make sure he has your best interests at heart, because it's a very rare man who can date a teen while he's in a phase setting up his life. It sounds like you were very adult for your age, but maybe they're assuming he was more juvenile and that's why you clicked?

Whatever, if it works for you, then why worrk what other people say, right?

Christine · Coach

People are infinitely nosy and judgemental when it comes to other people's relationships. You know that your relationship works and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!

I don't know how much older your bf is than you, but my bf and I started dating when we were both 15, and we've been together for 8 years, so I too am used to the raised eyebrow. The most irritating comment I've received goes something like, "Oh wow....*pause*....aren't you afraid you've missed out on the excitement of being young?" What exactly are they getting at -- if someone finds the love of their life at a young age, they've "missed out" on things that many girls who spend years searching for Mr. Right have to put up with, like worrying about whether he'll call like he promised he would, or getting their heart broken over and over?

Things just happen when they happen, regardless of age or the amount of time you've been together. Everyone's situation is different, but that doesn't make any of them better or worse than any other!

Kitty · Hermes

Ok, I'm going to be totally honest here. I think it's a litte disturbing that you were 16 and he was 28 when you started dating. I don't think age differences are a huge deal (my bf is actually 15 years older than me) but, the large age differences when one of the people involved is under 18 kind of complicates the matter for me.

Lilykind · Hermes

Kitty wrote:

Ok, I'm going to be totally honest here. I think it's a litte disturbing that you were 16 and he was 28 when you started dating. I don't think age differences are a huge deal (my bf is actually 15 years older than me) but, the large age differences when one of the people involved is under 18 kind of complicates the matter for me.

That's fair and you're entitled to your opinion.

FWIW: I was a college freshman at 16 living away from home and functioning pretty much independently just like most 18 year olds are.

Kitty · Hermes

Lilykind wrote:

Kitty wrote:
Ok, I'm going to be totally honest here. I think it's a litte disturbing that you were 16 and he was 28 when you started dating. I don't think age differences are a huge deal (my bf is actually 15 years older than me) but, the large age differences when one of the people involved is under 18 kind of complicates the matter for me.

That's fair and you're entitled to your opinion.
FWIW: I was a college freshman at 16 living away from home and functioning pretty much independently just like most 18 year olds are.

holy crap! Smarty pants! I think that kind of changes things....and obviously, it sounds like you weren't a typical 16 year old at all.

And really, if you're happy now and the relationship works...then don't listen to other people. I get judged too because my bf is so much older, but, for me it totally works and its by far the best relationship I've ever had. I get that age differences don't work for everyone...

atlgirl · Gucci

Lilykind, you are an old, old soul in a wonderful young woman. You are the most self-possessed, feet-on-the-ground, ready-to-handle-anything 21-year-old I know. (and yes, that's a lot of hyphens!). You seem to be happy and comfortable in this long-term relationship, as does your BF, from what I can tell. It's nobody's damn business but your own, what the age difference between you is or how long you've been together.

I can't believe how many people in this world are willing to pass judgement to one's face, and/or offer unsolicited "advice" to people about what they should/should not be doing. The next time someone wants to advise you, just tell them "Thank you for your good intentions" and walk away. :)

NCshopper · Hermes

Oh, do I feel for you! I've been there and to some extent I feel like I'm still dealing with "friends" that don't approve. Basically, DH and I got engaged after 4 months of dating, but we ended up keeping that to ourselves for a few more months while we got people warmed up to the idea. Some of my friends were supportive and others weren't. I literally had one of my best friends sit down with me in the car and tell me she didn't think DH was right for me and that she didn't think we should get married, mainly because I was "too young" and he was "too old", but sadly I think it had more to do with the fact that he worked at Starbucks that she disapproved. I try and not think about that conversation whenever I see her, but the bottom line is that our friendship will never be the same because of what she said to me.

So, anyway, I guess my point is that people can say really hurtful, shitty things and call it "advice" and for whatever reason, they feel the need to do this. It sucks and it's hard not to take it personally, but try not to let it get to you. I've come to realize that the naysayers are either jealous, insecure, or just really bitter. So don't take their advice to heart. If you're happy in your relationship, then that's all you need to know. Just because your relationship is unconventional to them, doesn't mean it's not the right relationship for you.

Hopefully that makes sense. I've been in your position and it stinks. I don't understand why people can't keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.

blubirde · Chanel

atlgirl wrote:

Lilykind, you are an old, old soul in a wonderful young woman. You are the most self-possessed, feet-on-the-ground, ready-to-handle-anything 21-year-old I know. (and yes, that's a lot of hyphens!). You seem to be happy and comfortable in this long-term relationship, as does your BF, from what I can tell. It's nobody's damn business but your own, what the age difference between you is or how long you've been together.

I agree. Of course I'm basing this on my interaction with you via ST but you seem to have yourself together more than most people I know (and I'm, quite sadly, in the late-20s age group).

It sounds weird when the age 16 is thrown into the mix, so why not just say 18? Of couse this won't always be an available option and I get that you're honest but if that's the hang-up people have, why not just remove the obstacle?

In the meantime, if people start harassing you, tell them you'll start taking their advice when they've been happily married for 50 years and until then you don't want to hear it. If I had to guess, I'd say you won't say anything rude at all though. In that case just know that there are at least some people out there who don't think you're odd and who think you're smart and capable enough to make your own decisions, no matter what convention says.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

In the meantime, if people start harassing you, tell them you'll start taking their advice when they've been happily married for 50 years and until then you don't want to hear it. .

Girl, you are awesome! I need you to come to the midwest and tell off a few people for me...

blubirde · Chanel

Dizzy wrote:

In the meantime, if people start harassing you, tell them you'll start taking their advice when they've been happily married for 50 years and until then you don't want to hear it. . Girl, you are awesome! I need you to come to the midwest and tell off a few people for me...

I don't know... you might end up like poor Brit. You know, catering to the media and the fans and dreaming of "having it all" and then one day you're crying over your huge boobs, fake eyelashes, and ratted-out hair to Matt Lauer about how they "just won't leave you alone!" I can be toxic that way.

(Hee - pun intended.)

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

Hey sweetie...ok so I was reading the "missed opportunities" thread (in general interest polls) from like a year ago and guess what I found?

Lilykind wrote:

I missed out on exploring with boys. I was too nerdy and icky and pimply for boys to even look at me until I was 16 and then all of a sudden my BF came out of the woodwork (so exploration is kinda not happening now). So I missed out on lots of high school and college boys and just being a free spirit.

But at the same time, I have to look at the bright side. I found my soulmate when I was 16. I'm one of the lucky ones.

________________________________________________________________________

I think the major question is this: are you still happy with your choice? If you feel the need to stretch your wings and be free and see what dating other people has to offer, it's ok. You're allowed to change your mind. But if at the end of the day, you feel like being with your boyfriend is more important than dating other people, that's ok too. You're allowed to do that as well. Point is, you're allowed to do whatever you want. Sometimes it's just hard to figure out what that is, so it's natural to pay attention to what other people think. And I think it's a good thing to pay attention to what other people think and then figure out what you think about what they think. If you think they're full of crap, that's fine. If you think they have a point, that's ok too. Just don't ever stop thinking about answering the big question: what do you want? And remember this, whatever that is, we'll all still you, no matter what.

Lilykind · Hermes

esquiress wrote:
I think the major question is this: are you still happy with your choice? If you feel the need to stretch your wings and be free and see what dating other people has to offer, it's ok. You're allowed to change your mind. But if at the end of the day, you feel like being with your boyfriend is more important than dating other people, that's ok too. You're allowed to do that as well. Point is, you're allowed to do whatever you want. Sometimes it's just hard to figure out what that is, so it's natural to pay attention to what other people think. And I think it's a good thing to pay attention to what other people think and then figure out what you think about what they think. If you think they're full of crap, that's fine. If you think they have a point, that's ok too. Just don't ever stop thinking about answering the big question: what do you want? And remember this, whatever that is, we'll all still you, no matter what.

I have my periods of time when I wonder about what could have been (who doesn't?) if I hadn't met BF so early, but ultimately I'm very happy with my life choices. I'm not exactly the same person I was a year ago and I think my relationship has only solidified since I've written that.

I just wish people wouldn't be so critical when they don't know the full facts about my relationship and just start basing it on statistics and generalizations.

Or really, I just don't want to be told off by a second-tier studio chef after he tries to ask both my boss and I out!!!!!!!

Kitty · Hermes

Lilykind wrote:

I just wish people wouldn't be so critical when they don't know the full facts about my relationship and just start basing it on statistics and generalizations.

Ack! I'm sorry! I feel like I did this.

But I definitely agree that most people who get into serious relationships at young ages question whether or not they should have spread their wings. I question sometimes, too, because i started dating my current bf when I was 21 and I've been with him now for 4 years. Sometimes I'm like, "What if....?" but, the majority of the time I'm very happy, and I know in my heart I'd never want to give him up just to date around or explore more.

Christine · Coach

Kitty wrote:

I know in my heart I'd never want to give him up just to date around or explore more.

Well said, and ITA. After all, why search for something that you're fortunate enough to have found already?

carmenb513 · Coach

I personally DESPISE nosey people.

I think if you're happy, now is the time where you just say to yourself- the issue is NOT up for discussion. Bam! People shouldn't realy care when the hell you started dating. So at this point, just don't get into whole converstaion, I mean really, how does it change their lives to know the business of you and your BF?

I say tell them to f--- off. Sorry,about the potty mouth.But as you can see, it really works my nerves that as many things as people have going on in their lives they find time to worry about everybody else. If you're happy that's all that matters.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

tell them to mind their own business! I agree with whoever said it (was it kitty? I can't remember...) that it's probably because of the 16 thing. When did we as a society decided to set these stupid ages at which people are deemed "mature enough" to handle things like relationships? It's bull. I know people in the 30's that aren't mature enough to handle a relationship! (and my grandfather who's 60 something, but that's a whole nother story...) But it's the way a lot of people think, so what can you do about it right?

I met my DH at 16. We don't have that big age gap (2 years), but about 50% of people that find that out think it's insane and tell me that it'll never work, we'll grow apart, blah blah, blah. (the other 50% are are all "awwww"). I can honestly say though that even if there had been a gap, and if I had the guts to actually start dating him he still would have been the one. You can't control how old you are when you meet someone that you're compatable with. And really, what does it matter? It's not like you met at 16 and ran off and got married at 17. You have a mature, caring, and stable relationship that they're probably all just jealous of.

jacL · Coach

This won't stop, at least not for awhile. I am 24 years old and still get it from people, and have been dating my BF for seven years. Well, we did have two brief breakups over the years which allowed us to date other people, but even without that, I don't feel either of us would have missed out on anything. So you won't sleep with nearly as many people and date as much or possibly not party quite as much (ha, I did, while I was in college), not a big deal when you are trading that in for a good relationship. People wonder how you can grow and "discover" yourself while in a relationship...well, it is easy, you are still your own person, after all. Besides, what is wrong with growing together?

These people will always be around, so just ignore them and treasure your relationship.

montmarte · Kenneth Cole

Sounds like you're handling the "unwanted advice/judgment" really well. I don't think I"d be able to respond as well as you if I were in that situation! Real love is so rare and precious. So maybe you'll have to deal with being judged or receiving undesired advice, but consider yourself one of the luckiest people in the world since you've found love that endures.

lynnie · Chanel

It sucks when people plant "seeds of doubt" in your head. But only you can decide what is right for you. It is SO hard to only take into consideration only your own feelings towards it, I know how that is. I think its actually one of the reasons my bf and I broke up- felt like i met him too young and instead of society validating that (like back in the day when everyone marries young), more people were telling me to see what else was out there- not necessarily in love- but just to spread my wings. And yea- I might have lost a great love but it was what was right for ME. i knew i personally would doubt too many things if I'd just stayed and didn't explore. And it had nothing to do with what other people were telling me- I just knew I had to do it. Of course, I ended up meeting a guy within a couple of months that I'm crazy about, sucks that I didnt have more time to feel mentally single- though he does live REALLY far away (i become emotionally attached to people pretty strongly when I know they are right for me). Life's funny.