STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I wish I could give you a hug!

Esquiress is right, you can only control your actions.  And your DH's lack of motivation combined with other things you have said are basically reek of depression.  He is the only one who can make the decision to get treated and get better.  Allowing him to be helpless is only enabling the illness.  If I were in this situation, I'd probably consider taking Chris and yourself to your Mom's for a while.  I'd tell dh that if he wants the family to function as it should, he has got to get help or get a job.  I know that may not be how you would choose to handle things, and it may not be realistic, but you cannot allow yourself to enable him anymore.

I just thought of a video we had to watch for one of my classes and it was about this man who had a stroke resulting in major physical and communicative deficits.  After the stroke, his wife went back to work full time because the man couldn't work anymore.  Every day, he got up and hobbled around the house to clean it to perfection.  The scene that got me showed him pushing a vaccuum cleaner around with his good hand.  He did laundry, made the beds, did whatever he could, just because he felt a need to contribute--even if it took him an hour to vaccuum two rooms.  So it's not a question of ability, but of mindset and motivation.

Good luck, I hope things turn around soon.

KayKay,

You feel alone in this marraige, because sadly you are. Being the only one to carry the burden, you have developed into a strongly independent woman. Take pride in that, your son will always remember it- and it will be something that he will take with him into adulthood. You cannot make your husband feel pride in himself, make him contribute, or make him see the importance of participating in life. (both directly or indirectly). It is sad, but he is in no way participating in his life- or the care of his family. You love him, I know you do- but love is not enough to keep a marraige together. He had a job when you met him, he doesnt have one now-why? Because he doesnt have to. He can allow himself to hide behind all those reasons why: depression, frustration- whatever -because he has in no way been adversely affected by doing so. He has you to face the adversity, so why bother. Kay Kay, I am sorry if my words are harsh, but I want you realize you have all the tools you need in yourself to take care of you and your son. Life is so very short, your son will only be this age once, you have only one opportunity to show him what he will need to be when he becomes a man and has a family of his own.  Give you husband something to feel urgent about, an adversity that may motivate him- and then may not. We are proud of you, and so is your son.

Kay Kay,

I soooo feel for you girl!  I have nothing better to add than all these wonderful girls.  I have been in a relationship with someone who was soo depressed and I can just tell you that it is completely toxic and draining on you.  I was almost in tears when I read your son couldn't go to the boyscouts thing.  If there is anything we can do to help - let us know.  I know I don't have much - but that does break my heart too and I would want to help your son go to boyscouts. 

Don't know much what else to say... just wanna give you {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Viv

Hello ladies thought I would check in. I wish all of your ladies lived closer so I could hug you back.  VIV you are so sweet your post brought tears to my eyes, yes that Friday was a hard day. Well I had another talk with Dh only b/c he brought up the tension between us and well I finally let some of my anger out.You ladies would be proud of me. I told him I hate feeling this but you have not been making it any easy on me.I said I have every right to feel the way I do even though I feel bad for have those feelings. I asked him do understand why I feel this way ? He responed by telling me he understands. I told him that I even thought about going to my Moms but chris would not understand why we are separted and I dont want him in middle of any promblems we are having. I talked about going to see a  counselor and that I would go with him but Iam not sure he wants to do that, not sure if he is ready b/c he did not have much to say about that one. He explained that he feels upset b/c he can not do what he used to do and provide for his family. I totally understand but I explained that he needs to put fourth some kind of effort.I only ask that he puts fourth a effort and does the best that he can. He is also scared if he does get a part time job and he has to quit b/c of health issues he will not be able to get his disabilty check anymore. I told him well you call the SS office and find out so you can start doing something and in the meantime you need to help with the chores around the house. Chores has no stress and its not hard at all. 

So the past few days he has been doing better with the house hold chores, you know I think it really hurt him when I thought about taking chris and going to my Moms.  I hope this makes since b/c Iam tired had a long day today worked 13 hrs today. I think someone asked about him working before and why he stopped. He used to drive the taxi b/c it was a sit down job but a couple of months ago he was having a stressful night and he started having chest pains and it scared us both so we thought he should take a break for a while. He has a pacemaker/diffibaltor due to heart promblems in 2001. Oh one more thing Chris was trying to stay up later the other night and he said chris is not wanting to go to bed  b/c he is afraid he will wake up and not be able to see you b/c you are at work....I popped off well it should not be like that and its not fair at all and you wonder why I feel like I do.