STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

I just need advice....

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Before I get to the part about R, I have to suggest: get your ex out of your apartment! It sounds like he's playing on your sympathies so he can hang around. You won't be able to move past your relationship with him if he's always there or getting jealous of you and other guys. Yes, it's hard to watch someone you care a lot about being in a difficult circumstance, but that is *not* your responsibility. Don't let him make *his* problems *your* problems. Get him out of your apartment and then have some separation -- he can't be coming over all the time, either. I know it's hard to do that but it makes things much better in the long run.

As for not feeling that chemistry with anyone else after you broke up with your ex, it takes time for that to happen. Believe me, we've all been there after a long term relationship ends and we've all thought "hey, maybe it wasn't so bad with that guy after all" or "will I ever hit it off with anyone else?" You will find that chemistry again -- in fact, you may even find something even better -- but it takes time. You need to give yourself a chance.

As for R, if you want to go to the party then go. But keep your wits about you and don't do anything like, say, getting drunk and becoming his birthday hook-up. If he wants to date you then he will make that very clear by asking you out again. If none of your friends can come with you, then you could tell R that you'll swing by the party but you have another thing you need to go to so you don't know how long you'll be able to stay. That way you have an out if you feel uncomfortable or you're not having a good time.

blubirde · Chanel

First, get your ex out, like scarlett said. That's just making a confused situation worse.

Second, do you want to go out with R again? Obviously you started dating fairly soon after your break-up, so that's one red flag. Also he's older, and that's not necessarily a bad thing but maybe it's another red flag if he's significantly older. Finally, he basically ended things because of an ex, right? That's not cool but depending on the circumstances, it doesn't have to be the end of the road either. So the question remains. Given everything, do you still want to see R? If so, go and see what all the fuss is about. If not, tell him no and let that be that.

Third, dating is always hard. In my experience, it's feast or famine. You either have a ton of people you're dating or you have none. I don't know why it is that way, but it is. That said, online dating is a good place to start. It kind of breaks you into the dating world and helps you determine how to act, how you want to be perceived, what kind of guy you're looking for, etc. And when you start dating again, you'll kiss many frogs before you find a prince. Or even a non-frog.

Good luck and keep us posted!

poptart · Coach

I agree with Scarlett and Blubirde: get the ex out.

As far as R., my first instinct is to say "don't go." It sounds to me like he is not in a good place for being solid with you right now, and I think you have enough going on with healing from your relationship, being back in the dating world, etc., that you don't need someone hanging around who isn't 100% into you. And it sounds like hanging around is exactly what he's doing. My feeling is that if there was any question of him getting back together with his ex while or shortly after you and he were dating, he's not into you enough. If he has changed his mind and is ready to offer you a little more of his heart, he can damn well ask you out on a date, right?

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

About the finding people to date thing: I agree, it can be so feast or famine. In my experience, I didn't start getting a lot of attention until I was really over a breakup. Weird but true, and also for the best. You want to have your wits about you and be able to make smart decisions when you're starting to date again, and it's hard to do that when you're still down or confused over a breakup.

Also, the other girls raised the right point: do *you* want to date R again? He better prove himself to you if he's interested again!

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

Thanks Scarlett, Blubirde, and Poptart!

I KNOW I have to get the ex out. He finally got a summer job and needs to work for some money to move out. If I could - I would just give him the money to move out. As it is - I think I've extended my hand to him beyond my own means.

regarding R - If he were to want to start dating again (but he hasn't asked) we would have to seriously discuss it - because I guess we weren't even together long enough to be serious and have that conversation. I did really enjoy the time with him and we definitely had the chemistry - so I kinda wished we had more time to explore the relationship. The whole thing with HIS ex - he spoke to me about it, and i told him if he still had any feelings and hope for that relationship - he should pursue it - because I knew I was soo over my ex and he needed to be as sure for himself. So as much as my friends can hate him for that, I can understand (they were together 3 yrs).

I know what you all mean about getting over a break-up. Thing is - I checked out of my relationship with the ex for at least 3 years. I was stupid to just keep waiting. He was depressed (I was on what they call suicide watch for a year) and needy and I hung in there for him - and basically put my own life on hold. It was finally to the breaking point where I just didn't want the weight of my ex on me anymore.

Getting back to dating - I figured online was the easiest and best way for me to get back out "practice dating". And I have went on a flurry of dates - to the point I was rather exhausted. But I know I didn't feel anything with most - I just kinda felt so wishy washy about them - not even really interested to keep going out.

I guess I just feel a bit down. I know I need to get the ex out and be single for awhile - just I have pressure from my family and myself to fall in love and get married (I'll be 27 this year). And when I get depressed about my love life - I really think fondly of the time I spent with R. So maybe it's just better in my mind? And you guys are right - if he were still interested - he would ask me out (although I did send messages saying I was dating and things were kind of questionable with the ex - so maybe he's put off?).

Sorry to keep rambling on... I just need a place to let this all out... Thanks.

-- Edited by ViViDogWear at 21:39, 2006-06-08

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

ViViDogWear wrote:

ALSO: I see the DATING BAN thread. My question to the banners - how do you guys get so many dates in the first place? I know I have my problems - I work late and I work with mostly females and gay men. It's been so long (before I was 21 even) that I've really just been "out there". TIA and sorry so long... -- Edited by ViViDogWear at 04:15, 2006-06-08

Hmmm.... it's hard to figure. I have some gorgeous friends who never get asked out, and some not as classically pretty friends who always have a couple guys on a string. Some things I've noticed that might be factors are:

1) Have shiny hair and nails, and wear brighter colors (black makes you blend in). You don't have to have a perfect body, but dress to show off your good points. Always wear things that you feel cute in. Have really white teeth. And do something to your hair every day. Even if it's casual, don't just let it go, make it look like it's done (messy buns are cute, but guys really love pigtails or braids). If it's short, put some product in it - don't ever let it frizz.

Most importantly, take care of the sexual part of yourself, whatever that means to you. It sounds cheesy, but no matter how I feel, whenever I look in the mirror, I look for something beautiful about myself. (it's too easy to focus on the flaws). Then, I look at that feature until I feel really good, and try to capture that feeling from time to time during the day. Also, hold your head up, suck in your stomach, and keep your shoulders back.

In generally, try to move as slowly and gracefully as possible - boys LOVE watching a girl who moves smoothly. I never thought about it until some guy friends were gushing about a girl who's really not even pretty because her walk was "mesmerizing," then I tried it. It's funny, when I'm focused, my posture catches men's eyes from farther away than when I'm schlumping. I'll see them turn to look, and they're too distant to tell if I'm cute or not, so it's the posture and the way I'm carrying myself that makes them try to check me out.

2) When you're out running around, smile at guys, and look them right in the eyes for at least a couple seconds. I've never counted - I only learned the timing because guys did it to me, and I noticed when I did it to another guy, they would blush or just seem really into it. (Update: Ok, I just checked on my roomie, and you catch their eye, count "one-or-and-a," then smile just a little, blink slowly - like a cat - and look up and away to break eye contact).

Then, once you've shown interest, just sit back and wait - don't approach him. Unless he's a wuss, he'll find some way to talk to you again to see if you really are interested. That's when you act really friendly for a few sentences, then blow him off, but in a nice way, and sort of leave a chance for him to see you again if you can think of one. "Oh, so nice to get to meet you, I have to get to a meeting," or "I hope I see you again, I wish I didn't have to finish this before class..." His pride is on the line then, and he sort of has to see if you do want him, or if he just misread you, or whatever. Well, actually, I'm not entirely sure why this works. It just seems to every time.

3) Coffee shops are the best place to pick up guys. Work is the second best, particularly if you deal with the public. If you want to see someone again, just sort of mention that you come there a lot because you have class at this time, or you traded to work this shift because you like to be outside for a while before work... whatever. Most guys won't ask you out the first time they meet you, though, it has to happen a few times usually. I also go to organization events, which are fun, and other things that I would do anyway. Park, whatever.

4) Once you have an intro, or you've seen the guy you have your eye on out a few times, you start having longer conversations. Really try to figure out what his values are, and if you decide you want him to like you, sort of mirror those back. If he tells you a story about helping out a friend, say something like 'You're right, friends are really important." Don't worry about trying to impress him. Just watch him, listen and seem interested.

Then compliment him on things that are unique about him, "You seem like a loyal person. That's really cool." Or, "You always have the funniest news items..." whatever you notice that he does well. He'll knock himself out trying to get your approval after that (think dog repeatedly bringing the stick for a pat on the head) and he'll like you more for noticing him.

Hope this doesn't sound calculating or anything. It's all things I would do anyway, because I actually enjoy meeting new people, learning about them, and getting to know what they're about. Plus it's always fun to have more people to flirt with. After a while, you have several people that you're flirting with at once, and then a couple of them ask you out, and if you keep it up, you have a constant supply of dates.

How does everyone else make it work? I'm not naming names, but some of y'all have been tearing it up out there

-- Edited by Dizzy at 01:39, 2006-06-09

blubirde · Chanel

I think Dizzy gave some great advice on meeting guys and letting them know you're interested. How I got back in the dating game was by reading a book:

Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts : Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World

I saw this somewhere and decided I needed to read it because I always turn to books for answers. I'm a nerd like that, but it worked for me. Basically it teaches you how to get what you want, all by being in tune with yourself. It has some practice techniques for flirting that really helped me. I always recommend it to girlfriends who wonder how to get dates. It's all about the vibe you put out there. A tip from the book is to practice flirting everywhere. At the deli counter in the grocery store, the doorman at a building, the busdriver, whatever. Basically completely non-threatening situations where you can figure out what works, what reactions men have, how comfortable you feel, etc. before you go out in the real world and try it out on actual boys you might date.

Just remember that confidence is sexier than any outfit or cupsize. That's why it's so important for us to work on us before we try to include others in our worlds.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

Thanks Blubirde & Dizzy!

I think it's not so much of how to act or impress a guy. I guess my problem is my life right now. I work late hours, go home tired, and do that all week. Then on weekends I visit with family and friends. It's funny - I had this convo with my cousin - he's like "Barnes &Noble, Coffee Shops, @ work!" Well - I work with 95% females and I don't have much time to go to coffee shops of bookstores. Clubbing with friends (which I have been doing more lately) is just NOT where I want to meet a guy. Anyhow, I guess I can figure that out. I just wondered how to meet enough guys to fill the whole week like some of you lovely ladies here! :)

Thanks!