STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Misty · Dooney & Bourke

update - Close friend doesn't like BF

Maddie · Coach

RE: Close friend doesn't like BF

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

Misty, this sounds EXACTLY like something I am going through with one of my friends, now ex-friend. We were VERY close all through high school. She went away for college and we talked and visited occasionally. When she came back she and her BF from all through HS got engaged, and I got engaged with my BF. We were both in eachothers weddings and things were going well. But when we all tried to hang out together, it was a disaster. If we want to hang out with them it basically consists of doing anything we would have done in HS: drinking till we puke, chain smoking, acting like idiots. It got old and my DH DID NOT enjoy it. When we tried to get them to plan a dinner or get together, they would never respond, it always had to be some last minute beer bash with them and that's just not what DH and I enjoy doing. To make a VERY long and sad story short, I realized that we grew apart from eachother and our interests changed, actually mine did and hers stayed the same as they were all through HS and college. It got very messy but the reason I wanted to tell you about it is, maybe your friend and you are in different stages in life and she isn't liking it, and it may be resulting in her thinking she doesn't like your man. It doesn't really sound like you would be TO crushed if you two parted ways. I do feel like she should have said something to you or tried to make it work if she was a good friend, and that's what I want you to get from my story. My friend wasn't willing to compramise for us to hang out, even as just the girls, so we decided at the end of a big messy fight that it was best not to be friends, well, she decided for me, but that just made me realize that I would be better off anyway.

On the other hand my DH and my best freind who was my maid of honor don't really get along, they have very clashing personalities, but they tolarate eachother and will spend time together because they both love me and know how much I love the other. That makes me even more sure that she is a true friend. Those are the ones that last forever.

I hope everything works out for the best. It is hard to let friends go, but sometimes it's just a natural move in life when we get older I guess.

boobaby · Kate Spade

I agree w/ Maddie. One of my best friends married a man I could not stand. He was pretentious and obnoxious. I tolerated him because I am a firm believer that one should not meddle in relationships - if she was happy I was happy for her. I would never, ever let her know or badmouth him because I understood that she loved him and she didn't want or need to hear it from me. But there were times that I couldn't handle him and would back out of plans or call it an early night. If we were together and he was being a jerk, I would call him out on it, but that's just my personality. If she was complaining about him, I would stay pretty neutral because I figured more than anything, she wanted to vent and wasn't necessarily wanting someone who wasn't in the relationship to put in their two cents.

Anyway, the marriage failed, and I kind of let her know that I was never his biggest fan. She wasn't shocked or anything and she wasn't mad. I think she understood. I just wanted her to be happy, and even though I didn't like him, I never judged her for loving him.

My point is, she may just not like him but it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your friend, she may feel like its not her place to judge you.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I can definitely understand you feeling protective of your boyfriend and angered to discover a good friend doesn't like him. I am sure I'd be upset as well if I were in the same situation. The next step is figuring out what you want to do, and whether or not you really want to sever ties with J.

Some things to think about: Has J been unfriendly or unpleasant to your BF? Do you only make plans with her that involve him? Maybe she feels like she never gets to see you anymore unless your BF is along, and I don't think it matters how much you like a friend's significant other, you don't want to hang out with that person every time you see your friend.

Can you talk about this with her and ask her to explain how she feels without this getting ugly, or without K getting in trouble for telling you in the first place?

-- Edited by scarlett at 22:27, 2006-06-05

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

I agree with most of what everyone has said so far.

J hasn't approached you about not liking the BF right? IMO, it's kind of a non-issue. She probably doesn't want to say anything because she cares for you and doesn't want to lose you as a friend. So, why would you end the friendship first?

She hasn't come to you and said "I do not like your BF. You need to choose one of us." Until it comes to that point or until she decides her true feelings for him can't be hidden anymore - I probably wouldn't do anything.

I know it can be tough. You sound like you are feeling hurt that your friend is questioning your taste is men. Trust me, it's not personal. Maybe she just gets a weird vibe from him or he does something that annoys her.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I second what everyone else said. And just wanted to add: Why would K both divulge a confidence and tell you something that she knows will upset you? What struck me was the detail there - particularly the part about how J "just doesn't want to get to know him better." If I were in K's position, and I felt that I had to absolutely get the two of you talking, I would be as vague as possible about the dislike in order to avoid hurting you or misrepresenting J's feelings. K's best motive could be that she wants the two of you to talk about it, but there were other ways to go about it that would have been much less hurtful or confrontational. I know this is really extrapolating, but it sounds like K actually could be sort of cutting J out of the group by criticizing her, and repeating critical things that may not have been as bad as they sound now, when taken out of context.

So basically, I'm saying shoot the messenger

But I wouldn't break up with K over this, at least not yet.

One thing I do wonder about, why does it matter to you so much that she like him? It obviously really upset you, and I'm sure you have a legitimate reason. I'm just sayin maybe if you think about what that reason really is, you might end up being less angry with K, or at least have a better-articulated reason for ending the friendship. Do you think she doesn't want the best for you? Do you think she cares more about shallow considerations, like how much money he makes, than whether he makes you happy? Do you think she is being selfish in not giving him a chance? If so, how much of a chance would you want her to give? Why? That sort of thing... It's frustrating, it sounds like you might be mad at her about other things, and this is where it went. (If so, were any of the other things started by K?

)

Of course, I could be completely off base about it all. Who knows? But it really soudns upsetting and I hope you feel better soon sweetie. And as someone who went through a nasty divorce, good job picking up the pieces and finding what you really want so quickly!