STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

confusedsometimes · Nine West

Help, I Cheated! (PLEASE HELP) sorry for the long post

Hermione · Kate Spade

You poor poor thing. There's no easy answer to this that will make you feel better right away, but this is what I think. You know that he's not going to want you back. You said that, and it's a harsh reality, but it's good that you recognize it. That said, if you've been struggling with this for 8 months, obviously you're not going to be able to get over it while you're still friends with him. You need to stop talking to him altogether. No phone calls, email, if he has a myspace page don't look at it. You need to get him out of your mind so that you can finally move on. I know it will be hard, but otherwise I think you'll continue to wish for what "might have been."

Maybe in the future (at least a year or two later) you guys can be friends again, but right now I think it would be best if you didn't talk.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I agree with Hermione. You need to cut off contact with him -- no phone calls, letters, emails, text messages. No communication. It sounds like he's made it clear he won't be with you in a relationship, yet he'll still be intimate with you? Don't do that anymore. It's only going to hurt you. Don't look at this as giving up -- you need to take care of yourself and get back on track with your life. Stop worrying about him and focus on yourself. I know it's hard, but I promise you, you will start to feel better when you begin moving forward. It will take some time and some work, but it will pay off and you'll be free of this horribly painful cycle.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

You say you want to fight your man? Who are you fighting against? You screwed up and he can't get past it. It happens every day.. all the time.. in millions of relationships around the world.

It sounds like he has made his decision.. He does not want to be with you right now.
This sadness and stress you feel is consuming you. I also think you need to walk away. He will come back to you if/when he is ready.

You hanging around.. begging and acting needy and desperate towards him will not heal his pain any faster.

Walk away now.. with dignity. You and he (and any future relationship you may have) will be be better for it in the end.

(Sorry if this sounds harsh. But I was in your shoes with an ex long ago.)

It never got better. He never forgave me. The whole situation sucked the life out of me. I hope you can learn from another's mistake.

confusedsometimes · Nine West

Thank you for the advice ladies. It is appreciated more than I can tell you.

Jocey
I meant fight for my man. I definitely would never fight him.

I know all of you are right, and I have known it for the past 8 months. I tell myself not to communicate with him. I do really well for sometime then he calls. All of this happened in Sept. 05 and we started talking again in late March. I thought I was over it. But its when he calls that I take two steps back. This is what makes me think there is hope.

Ladies I'm trying with all my might. Just this morning, I erased his #'s, email addresses, the only thing I can't erase is my mind. I WISH I COULD!!!

Jocey how did you move on?

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

confusedsometimes wrote:

Jocey how did you move on?

Honestly.. You can only do it when you are truely ready. With my ex.. he jerked me around and led me on for years.

I just woke up one day and was SOO drained I knew I couldnt do it anymore. It was so emotionally and physically tiring. I walked on eggshells for years and he really took advantage of the fact that I was so desparate I would do anything to make him love me again. It turned out it was all a big game to him.

I just don't want anyone else to be led along like that!

confusedsometimes · Nine West

I was once told that when you break up its like mourning. you have lost someone you love and its ok to mourn and then let go. I think you are right Jocey. I will let go when I'm ready and I'm just not, right now. talking about this today has made me feel better than I have felt in days. Sometimes you need to hear that you are not the only person that something has happened to. For whatever reason it seems to make it easier. I will stick to the no communication thing; but if he calls I don't know if I can ignore him. But for now I'm going to cry if I want to cry. This too shall past, Right.

Thank you Jocey, Scarlett, and Hermione

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I'm glad that talking with us has helped you out. :)

Have you tried telling him you don't to be in touch? I've had to do that with exes before. It's difficult to say to him, but believe me, it will make your recovery much easier. One thing: if you do tell him to leave you alone and he ignores that, then he's harassing you. Do you think that's what's happening?

confusedsometimes · Nine West

scarlett wrote:

Do you think that's what's happening?

I wouldn't say he is harrassing me. The pattern for the past few months has been if I don't call him for a few days he will call. He says he's checking on me. Sometimes he'll pop up with a text message or an email. I have ignored him from time to time. I'll call when I know he's not going to answer the phone and leave a message acknowledging his messages. Or shoot him an email doing the same. That's why I say I really have been trying. But if he doesn't care any more why check on me. I must admit if I do talk to him then I will call him again, and again until I feel guilty for doing so. Because then I'm not sticking to what I told myself.
And as far as telling him not to contact me...I'm scared!!1

thanks again

Hermes

I think you may be misinterpreting what you need to do here. Ignoring his calls is playing a game.

what you need to do is, when he does call, tell him that you can't do this anymore. tell him it's obvious to you that he'll never forgive you or be able to put this in the past. tell him because he can't move on with a clean slate, that it's best that you both move on and not communicate.

I know it's not what you want to hear or do and that it hurts, but it's what you need to do. You made a mistake, there's nothing you can do about it now, and you have to live with the consequences. Just consider it a huge life lesson. I guarantee that one day the pain will go away.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I had a similar relationship (dating on and off, remained best friends, etc), at least from what you said. He cheated on me, and I took him back. I had treated him really badly before, and I think I decided that he did this because he didn't love me enough. I became obsessed with wanting him to choose me over other people. I experienced many of the same symptons you are. I cried every night, I called him all the time, I couldn't let go. I thought that he was absolutely the one for me, and I felt obsessed. It boiled down to a balance of power. Basically, he had all the power because I was the one at this point that wanted to keep things going. It was awful, and took me over a year to get out of that destructive frame of mind. It took a long period of seeing each other rarely, living a state apart, and finally dating other people.

Now to address the cheating...As somone who's been cheated on, I have to say it's something I could never move past. It affects not only my relationship with my ex, but current relationships. I admire people who can truly forgive, but you never forget. My advice to you is to take this experience as a lesson, and move on. You're stuck in a very destructive cycle. You messed up, but you're punishing yourself by trying to win him back. You'll continue to beat yourself up until you move past this. Do whatever you need to do to end this.

Good job on deleting his number, etc. That's a great step. But since he calls you, I think you should tell him that he needs to stop calling/contacting you for a few months so that you can truly move past this. If he's a nice guy he'll understand and help you move past this.

-- Edited by gingembre1 at 18:36, 2006-05-15

confusedsometimes · Nine West

Ok I will tell him. You are right. I have to tell him no contact at all. I can't call him because I really deleted his numbers this morning and I never commited them to memory they were on speed dial. So, If he calls I'll tell him. This is going to be ok.....right!?! I know I said it earlier but I really want to thank all of you that responded. I knew what I needed to do...but I needed a kick in the pants. I was miserable this morning and last night. The worst that it has been, cryinging almost non-stop. So I thank you all for reaching out to a stranger. The support is appreciated.

Hermes

confusedsometimes wrote:

Ok I will tell him. You are right. I have to tell him no contact at all. I can't call him because I really deleted his numbers this morning and I never commited them to memory they were on speed dial. So, If he calls I'll tell him. This is going to be ok.....right!?! I know I said it earlier but I really want to thank all of you that responded. I knew what I needed to do...but I needed a kick in the pants. I was miserable this morning and last night. The worst that it has been, cryinging almost non-stop. So I thank you all for reaching out to a stranger. The support is appreciated.

you're doing the right thing. be strong and be in control of the situation.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I agree, you're doing the right thing. This is going to help you feel much better!

Drew · Gucci

If it helps any, I pined away over this stupid guy who strung me along for THREE FRICKIN YEARS! In the end I finally saw him and the situation for what it really was. I realized I built up what might have been in my head instead of accepting the reality of the situation. Don't waste three years of your life over a guy. Move on any way you can even if it's just going through the motions right now and you really don't feel it. Eventually, if you stick with it your heart will catch up with your head.

I must repeat what others have said: it is essential for you to cut off all contact for good.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Everyone else has already given some great advice. And I don't know if this helps, but this happens to me in a slightly different way - close to Drew's situation.

Is it possible that you can't stay in relationships not because of something you're doing in the relationship, but because of who they are? It kind of sounds like maybe this relationship is based you wanting affection and him witholding it - which is needy on his part because he needs you to want him really badly. And if you leave, he'll keep you on the hook, then keep witholding affection because it's what you want. And you trying to get it from him keeps you two hooked together. Does that sound right? Does that even make sense? It's like a game of keep away, basically. And after a while you dont' even want what they're keeping from you, it just bother you so much that they're playing this game that you can't leave.

If this does sound like what's happening, I wish I had a magic answer but I don't. Anyway, I just didn't want you to think there's something wrong with you. You're reacting pretty normally and he's the one who's hurting you on purpose. I wish you weren't sad sweetie, and really, you'll feel better soon, promise! (And don't beat yourself up if you backslide a bit - everyone does. Just get back to your resolution as fast as you can).

confusedsometimes · Nine West

Dizzy wrote:

Is it possible that you can't stay in relationships not because of something you're doing in the relationship, but because of who they are? It kind of sounds like maybe this relationship is based you wanting affection and him witholding it - which is needy on his part because he needs you to want him really badly. And if you leave, he'll keep you on the hook, then keep witholding affection because it's what you want. And you trying to get it from him keeps you two hooked together. Does that sound right? Does that even make sense? It's like a game of keep away, basically. And after a while you dont' even want what they're keeping from you, it just bother you so much that they're playing this game that you can't leave.

Dizzy this is exactly what I was thinking today. I am not even sure that I still love him. I think that I have been holding on so tight because its so familiar. We have literally been together for ever. atleast the better part of our adult lives. I only want him so much because he isn't giving me what I want. You are so right!!!!! I made a mistake and this has been a lesson. I'm not a bad person and I shouldn't beat myself up. I have to get off this roller coaster. This hasn't been a good relationship for years...just our whole history of on again off again. Better to realize all of this now. With all of that said it is hard to let go though but the past two days has been good. No crying. And I know that in time I will feel better. I keep telling myself....I am a beautiful woman, I mad a mistake but I am not a horrible person.

Thanks Dizzy.....

Thanks Ladies

sidenote: I love this site...its like sitting around in the livingroom talking to a bunch of girlfriends...who's bringing the wine!!

NCshopper · Hermes

I don't really have anything constructive to add, but I just wanted to say these ladies have given you some really good advice. And the fact that you are taking steps and trying to figure out how to move on and get away from this situation speaks volumes. You will get through this because you're working on it. It's not easy, but you're doing what you need to do, and that's a good thing.

Hugs to you.

confusedsometimes · Nine West

thanks for the good thoughts NCShopper

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Oh sweetie - I'm so tired of guys like this hurting all my beautiful friends. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but good for you for taking steps to get out of it. things will get better...