STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I hope I don't sound harsh with the below, but I hate to think of you getting in more pain here.

I can't say if anything good will eventually come from your involvement with your friend or not, but I can say that if you start an affair with him that's a great way of ensuring things will end badly. Having such a huge age difference doesn't bode well either. You're already going through a difficult year and I'm sure it is tempting to lay your head on his shoulder and receive the comfort and support he offers you, but I fear that you will end up far more hurt if you enter any further into a relationship with him.

How long have you been friends? If he's been complaining to you about his wife for years, then I don't think thay says anything good about him. He should have left her already if they're that unhappy together and have exhausted their attempts to fix the marriage.

Do you have any other friends or support system you can turn to? If you're really serious about not wanting to get involved with him, then just don't get involved. I really think it's a simple thing when you boil it down. And if he is truly falling for you and wants to share a life with you, then he will have to do that on his own. He'd need to sort things out with his wife and then be a free man, and then you would have a chance at a relationship, but only then.

It seems like your friend wants to make sure that there is a sure thing with you before he leaves his wife (if he ever does).  I think this is a cowardly way to go about things.  If he is not happy with his wife, then they need to work on things without outside influences or he needs to leave.  His feelings for you shouldn't be a factor and it sounds like they definitely are.  I know its hard, but I wouldn't enable him to cheat on his wife.  You would have enough obstacles being together because of the age without the infedelity issue.  If he really is serious and wants to be with you, he needs to leave his wife first.  This sounds like it has so much potential for you to get hurt and not much of a chance of things working out in a positive manner. 

Oh man. One of my BFFs was in a similar situation, except in her case the guy's wife got breast cancer so it was a lot easier for my BFF to walk away.

Here it is: this is wrong. He is married. Case closed. But you knew all that, right? You have to do everything in your power to keep yourself from heading down a dangerous path. If the past year hasn't been good for you, imagine how the next one will be. If he really, truly loved you, he wouldn't dream of putting you in the situation you're in right now. Obviously you have been vulnerable in the past year and to me, from you post, it seems like he took advantage of that.

I'm sorry but I don't see any way out of this but to lose him. You can't make him leave his wife. You can't make him be with you. The fact is that it will never happen. The only thing you can do is cut him out of your life and try to start over and heal yourself from your recent negative relationship experiences.

I'm sorry if this is harsh but if I had to guess, I'd say you posted this topic because you need some help seeing this from a neutral point of view. You know what to do. It's just really, really hard to do it. I think you need to come to terms with the seriousness of the situation and decide to end it, not for him, not for his wife, but for you and your state of mind.

If he's really Prince Charming, he'll make the necessary changes he needs to make to be with you. Except he needs to make those changes without you in the picture. Especially if you ever want to trust him or his intentions again.

If he confessed his feelings in the beginning and his problems with his wife, then I don't think he ever had honorable intentions to just be your friend.  He is looking to fill the void in his marriage.  I don't think this relationship would work in the end even if he left his wife.  Sorry for the brutal honesty, but I'm assuming this is what you want. 

And like Jocey, this is a sensitive subject for me, my dad did this very thing to my mom a couple years back, needless to say they're divorced and his relationship with his "friend" has left him nothing but misreable.  Hope this helps.  Be strong!

ETA*I must of posted this while you were posting.  First of all, good for you for doing the right thing!  At least you found out he was a jerk now before things got stickier.  Hang in there!

-- Edited by FashionPrincess at 14:12, 2006-05-15

Good for you! That must have been a really difficult phone call. Don't worry. This year has been hard but you'll be better soon. Time will help so much. If only we could fast forward to a few months from now, right? And one day you'll find someone nice and great and you'll be so happy you took control of your own life today. Good luck!

you did the right thing.

I think you did the right thing. 

I also want to add this just in case there's someone else out there who has found themselves in this (cheating) situation.  It is a fantasy, and in reality it will never work out.  Cheaters have the perfect outlet for whatever it is they aren't getting at home, but if a cheater were to ever leave his wife for you (or vice versa) both parties would see (probably very quickly) that their relationship, which has no real foundation, does not work when the realities of life hit.  Men who cheat on their wives get to leave the kids, the wife, and all their trouble behind when they are with you, if they were to leave their wife for you their problems would be compounded by the mess caused by divorce and would still have to face all of the hardships that go along with building a real-world relationship.   These things rarely to never work out because it was always only an escape and fantasy to begin with.