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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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Was I wrong? (long post)
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I could really use some feedback on whether or not I was out of line in this situation.

Money is a very sensitive issue for my boyfriend, D. As some of you may remember from a couple posts I put up a while back, his parents got themselves into major financial trouble over the past year and D was helping support them. They recently stopped needing his help and have paid him back a large amount of what he gave them, but he still has student loans to pay off and some debt that they incurred and he's now responsible for. So, he's in better shape now, but still has to be careful with how he spends. When he was helping them, we had some big arguments about it.

Adding to the problem: D's feelings of inadequacy that my parents are pretty well off. He's afraid he'll never be able to live up to the "lifestyle" they have, and that I'll never be truly impressed by anything he accomplishes because it will never equal what my Dad did. I don't feel that way and have told him that many times, but he's still sensitive about it. Our families are almost a reverse of each other: neither of my parents came from money but now they have it, while his parents started off great and then lost it.

My family lives three hours away, while his is in the same city as us. As a result, we see a lot more of his family than we do of mine. If he and I get married, which we have talked about, I don't want us to end up spending all our holidays with his family or socializing with them all the time. Last week his mom called me to invite me to go to the park with them, and D wasn't even going to be there.

D told me he would go to my hometown with me in two weeks, and I was very excited about him getting to know my family better and vice versa. We went away to the beach this weekend and it was our first real weekend getaway in a year and a half together, so I was feeling good about us having our own life as a couple. On the way home he mentioned that he was concerned about not being able to afford a train ticket to my hometown and that maybe we wouldn't be able to go, so I said we could take a bus.

Then today he went to buy concert tickets for this weekend and told me he might get tickets for both nights. I asked him if that meant he wouldn't be able to afford going home with me, and he got very defensive and it turned into an argument. He said I was guilt tripping him and trying to put him on a leash, and that he was really sick of me asking him about money and that we weren't married yet and he could do whatever he wanted. It really pissed me off to hear that "leash" comment. I'm not trying to guilt trip him, but I do want him to come home with me like he said he would, and maybe I am too sensitive about this because I don't want my family to get marginalized while we're always seeing his. Sometimes I just don't know if we can work past all of this stuff and it's so depressing.

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Hermione


Kate Spade

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I don't think you were wrong at all. 


If he's concerned about whether or not he'll be able to afford going to see your family, I don't know why he'd buy tickets at ALL, let alone for both nights -


there's a couple ways to look at this
1) he's stressed (understandably, given his situation) and is using spending on something he'll enjoy as a release, even though that's not the best solution (and raises a flag, see below)


2) he's showing you that getting to know your family is definitely not a priority and resents the fact that you would point that out to him


Either way, this isn't good - the fact that he was saying that you shouldn't talk to him about money since you're not married yet - what? are you supposed to wait until you're married to discover that you'll never be on the same page with how to spend your money?  is he not going to feel like what's yours is his and what's his is yours?


Also, does he have a spending problem at all?  If he has all this debt, I could maybe justify one night of concert, b/c it sounds like he works hard, but going both nights is just frivolous -
with the added factor of he didn't know if he could afford to go see your family, why is he buying concert tickets at all?  shouldn't he be conserving his cash until he buys his train/ bus ticket?


i'm also not liking the way he lashed out at you - i get the impression you guys have been together for awhile and if you're considering getting married one day you should be able to talk about this stuff without it being an argument.


i'm sorry, honey, what a yucky situation :(



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shopgirl82


Chanel

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you're not wrong. 


i would be super bummed that he decided a concert was more important than seeing your family, knowing it would make you happy. 


 



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nunzi182


Kate Spade

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Hermione wrote:
I don't think you were wrong at all. 
If he's concerned about whether or not he'll be able to afford going to see your family, I don't know why he'd buy tickets at ALL, let alone for both nights -
there's a couple ways to look at this1) he's stressed (understandably, given his situation) and is using spending on something he'll enjoy as a release, even though that's not the best solution (and raises a flag, see below)
2) he's showing you that getting to know your family is definitely not a priority and resents the fact that you would point that out to him
Either way, this isn't good - the fact that he was saying that you shouldn't talk to him about money since you're not married yet - what? are you supposed to wait until you're married to discover that you'll never be on the same page with how to spend your money?  is he not going to feel like what's yours is his and what's his is yours?
Also, does he have a spending problem at all?  If he has all this debt, I could maybe justify one night of concert, b/c it sounds like he works hard, but going both nights is just frivolous - with the added factor of he didn't know if he could afford to go see your family, why is he buying concert tickets at all?  shouldn't he be conserving his cash until he buys his train/ bus ticket?
i'm also not liking the way he lashed out at you - i get the impression you guys have been together for awhile and if you're considering getting married one day you should be able to talk about this stuff without it being an argument.
i'm sorry, honey, what a yucky situation :(


I agree with everything Hermione said. Good luck and hang in there.

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blubirde


Chanel

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You're NOT wrong.


Listen, if he doesn't want you to talk about money with him, he doesn't need to be saying things like he can't afford a train ticket, etc. Basically, esp. because it's a visit to your parents, he's making it your problem, too. Like it wouldn't be, right? I mean if he says he's going to visit your parents with you and then doesn't show up, how is that not your concern? Of course it is. You have every right to be upset if he bails on you.


Personally, if he's going to say he can't afford to go to your parents' house, I don't see why you can't call him on buying concert tickets.


I think you should try to sit down with him and talk strictly about seeing your parents, not about money or anything else. If he brings it up, fine. If not, don't bring it up either. Basically he made a promise to you and that's all there is to it. Money isn't really the issue, his integrity is. (I'm huge about promises, hence the strong language.)


Good luck!



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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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thanks, everyone, for your responses. it's really good to know i'm not over-reacting.

to clarify a bit, he doesn't have a spending problem. he's actually very frugal -- almost never spends money on himself. i agree that buying tickets to both nights of the concert is frivilous. they're only $25 a pop, but still -- if he says he wants to come home with me but then backs out because he can't afford it, i feel justified in getting angry. i don't know what he ended up doing; when we argued he said he wouldn't get the friday ticket anymore and we haven't spoken since then.

eta: he didn't get the second concert ticket. he said that he never told me he wouldn't be able to come home and he was resentful that i even asked, and that he was afraid we would never see eye to eye on money issues since our backgrounds are so different. when i pointed out that he had himself said he didn't know if he could afford going home with me, he said it was "getting annoying" that i remember "everything" he says to me. this is the biggest bone of contention between us and i am so tired of arguing about it. i wish we could talk about money related things without arguing. he's in therapy now, partly to learn how to deal with this stuff. otherwise i don't think i could still be with him.

-- Edited by scarlett at 15:40, 2006-05-08

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esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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first of all i applaud your efforts to communicate about family and money w/ him before you guys get married.  i think good communication is key in any relationship and family and money are two HUGE issues that every couple has to deal with. and if a couple DOESN'T communicate properly regarding such issues, bad things happen ( hello, look @ nick lachay and jessica simpson )


it sounds to me like he's obviously having trouble communicating and is taking some cheap shots at your expense -- the "guilt tripping" and "leash" comments and the line about it "getting annoying" that you remember "everything" are just comments he knows will hurt you.  imo, deep down he knows he's in the wrong and i think he's just trying to pick a fight to avoid dealing with his inferiority complex w/ regard to your parents. 


his passive-aggressive behavior worries me too. like he goes and says he's buying tickets for a second night knowing you'll be worried about him then not being able train tickets and then when you legitimately bring it up, he acts all huffy. 


intentionally or not, he's trying to put you on the defensive.  all i can say is don't fall for it.  just keep trying to work things out in a reasonable and adult manner.  if he can't step up to the plate and do the same...well, then, better you know now than later.


good luck and i'll be rooting for you. (((((((((hugs))))))))))) 


 



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ILoveChoo


Hermes

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to me it sounds like he might be a little scared of your parents and may just be looking for reasons not to spend time with them? not good, but somewhat understandable....

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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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esquiress wrote:

first of all i applaud your efforts to communicate about family and money w/ him before you guys get married.  i think good communication is key in any relationship and family and money are two HUGE issues that every couple has to deal with. and if a couple DOESN'T communicate properly regarding such issues, bad things happen ( hello, look @ nick lachay and jessica simpson ) it sounds to me like he's obviously having trouble communicating and is taking some cheap shots at your expense -- the "guilt tripping" and "leash" comments and the line about it "getting annoying" that you remember "everything" are just comments he knows will hurt you.  imo, deep down he knows he's in the wrong and i think he's just trying to pick a fight to avoid dealing with his inferiority complex w/ regard to your parents.  his passive-aggressive behavior worries me too. like he goes and says he's buying tickets for a second night knowing you'll be worried about him then not being able train tickets and then when you legitimately bring it up, he acts all huffy.  intentionally or not, he's trying to put you on the defensive.  all i can say is don't fall for it.  just keep trying to work things out in a reasonable and adult manner.  if he can't step up to the plate and do the same...well, then, better you know now than later. good luck and i'll be rooting for you. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))   
I agree with all of this... Esquiress is right on the money as always...

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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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you all give such great advice...thank you.

i think now he just wants me to forget the whole argument ever happened. esquiress, i totally agree that couples need to talk this stuff out before marriage. sometimes D is able to talk about these issues normally, and others he freaks out. if he can't come to terms with it then we will have to break up, as much as it pains me to say that. i wish he could separate my parents finances from me -- they're helping me out right now with grad school, but as soon as i graduate they won't be, and i'm looking forward to supporting myself again. maybe that will take care of the whole thing.

i'm going away for the weekend -- it will be nice to have a little distance.


-- Edited by scarlett at 10:07, 2006-05-09

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