STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Hedvig · Coach

RE: *****update**** long husband vent argh..........

Hermes

Hedvig wrote:

detroit wrote: oh c'mon. where did you read that? I was just agreeing with HER conclusion. :rollingeyes: You're right. I was kind of just kidding but I felt like spending too much time on ST could apply to pretty much anyone here... Anyway, I don't think that's really the problem in kaykay's case. Rather, I think her husband probably just felt he needed to bring up something he could use to make her feel guilty, even if it's about something as trivial as spending time on a fashion forum.

The time spent on the forum is a personal decision on the part of the member. If kaykay feels that the amount of time she is spending on the forum is damaging her relationship with her husband, then she's probably on to something, and should trust her own intuition and judgment that is conclusive from the feedback she receives from the people that live with her. No one can be a better judge of that than kaykay.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

i think you mentioned initially that he TALKS about getting a desk job, but never does. if he doesn't want to wear the apron, then i think he needs to decide what's more doable for him, cleaning (eventhough he hates it) or gettting a desk job. you can't be expected to do two full time jobs while he plays free cell during the day. it's not fair to you. if he doesn't want to wear the apron, then he needs to find a way to contribute so that the house can get clean. maybe if you had the second income, you could hire someone to help clean, but while there's only one income, and a perfectly capable person who can keep your house tidy, i think you have a right to have some expectations of him.

also, i think you mentioned that you are a caregiver as your "real" career. that's hard work! i am one too (as i type with a heating pad on my back ) and if you don't take care of yourself, you'll get burned out for that job and your job as a wife and a mother. i don't think it's too much to ask that you have your time after work to unwind on ST. most people i know veg out after work. i think it was a low blow on his part. maybe you can make a compromise like a half an hour right after work of you time (doing whatever you want).

also, if he can't talk about it, maybe you can write each other letters discussing your feelings about the situation. it really seems like he has a hard time verbalizing it so hopefully something like that could work.

good luck with everything.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

That's bull that your H said you spend too much time on ST. You work all day and should be able to spend your free time however you want to.

He just said that to try to make you feel guilty. He is basically implying that he should continue to sit on his ass AND You should work all day and then clean the house all night.

That was a VERY manipulative comment on his part. Recognize it as such and continue pressuring him to talk about the "real" problem here!

(I get very fired up about his type of old fashioned thinking!) Sorry.

small fry · Chanel

Thanks ladies for the cont.support. joycebaby23 maybe he will get tired of me bitching and than help out. Iam not asking for prefect just a little effort. Shopgirl82 yes Iam what you could call a caregiver for the adult mentally ill and mental challenged(I use this word instead I hate the word retarded)The job title is life coach.I love my job but it can be stressful at times

Thanks for tip on writting letters to each other I use to do this all the time when something was on my mind and I needed to express my thoughts. Well its off to work have a good day ladies

Kitty · Hermes

shopgirl82 wrote:

i think you mentioned initially that he TALKS about getting a desk job, but never does. if he doesn't want to wear the apron, then i think he needs to decide what's more doable for him, cleaning (eventhough he hates it) or gettting a desk job. you can't be expected to do two full time jobs while he plays free cell during the day. it's not fair to you. if he doesn't want to wear the apron, then he needs to find a way to contribute so that the house can get clean. maybe if you had the second income, you could hire someone to help clean, but while there's only one income, and a perfectly capable person who can keep your house tidy, i think you have a right to have some expectations of him.

I totally agree with this. If he doesn't want to clean or do housework than he needs to at least get a part-time job. He can't honestly expect to not have to do anything while you do everything.

Sounds like he knows he can get away with this stuff and you're way too nice.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

shopgirl82 wrote:

i think you mentioned initially that he TALKS about getting a desk job, but never does. if he doesn't want to wear the apron, then i think he needs to decide what's more doable for him, cleaning (eventhough he hates it) or gettting a desk job. you can't be expected to do two full time jobs while he plays free cell during the day. it's not fair to you. if he doesn't want to wear the apron, then he needs to find a way to contribute so that the house can get clean.;

ITA. I'm sorry sweetie, but he needs to do *something*. If he's healthy enought to volunteer with the firehouse, he's healthy enough to be a receptionist or something and contribute to the household. Or, he can be Mr. Mom. That's fine too. There's nothing wrong with the woman being the breadwinner, but if that's the case, the man shouldn't expect a free ride. You are not his mother.

ayo · Coach

JoceyBaby23 wrote:

That's bull that your H said you spend too much time on ST. You work all day and should be able to spend your free time however you want to. He just said that to try to make you feel guilty. He is basically implying that he should continue to sit on his ass AND You should work all day and then clean the house all night. That was a VERY manipulative comment on his part. Recognize it as such and continue pressuring him to talk about the "real" problem here! (I get very fired up about his type of old fashioned thinking!) Sorry.

hmm I wasn't going to chime in here, but I had to after reading this. I going to have to disagree with joceybaby23 to an extent.

He *might* be trying to manipulate you kaykay, I don't know enough to comment on that, but I think if he mentions this as something that bothers him, I would take heed to that and make some adjustments. This is just my opinion but if you work 40+ hours a week and then come home and go str8 to the computer and only spend maybe an 1 hour or so with him before bedtime (I'm not sure if this is the case or not) then I can see how that could possibly have some impact on your relationship. You aren't spending enough time with one another. It's something I definitely had to make a conscious effort to do, because I tend to be a loner/ thinker (always reading online or books researching something or the other) and at one point I was really starting to feel like I was alienating my DH. I'm not saying it works that way for everyone, but if he's mentioning it..I'd pay attention.

Now in terms of him carrying his weight in the house, I really think he has no excuse.

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

ayo wrote:

It's something I definitely had to make a conscious effort to do, because I tend to be a loner/ thinker (always reading online or books researching something or the other) and at one point I was really starting to feel like I was alienating my DH. I'm not saying it works that way for everyone, but if he's mentioning it..I'd pay attention.

Yup I am the same way Ayo and I've had to try to ween myself from being online as well. I never realized what I was doing until I had a talk with BF one night when we were playing a movie and he was on the laptop not paying attention. His reply was that I was always on the pink and white website not spending time with him so he'd just get online and read about video games. Since then we both have tried to start turning the laptops off and spending time with each other.