STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

small fry · Chanel

*****update**** long husband vent argh..........

Hermione · Kate Spade

RE: long husband vent argh..........

luckylily · Gucci

Is it possible that your husband is experiencing some depression? I think it can be hard on men to be in his position.

That said, you aren't being selfish at all. If you work full time and he doesn't work at all, I think he should be responsible for the majority of the household chores.

Hermione has a really good idea about making a list for him daily. I know my husband is more than willing to help, but he needs specifics on how to prioritize. Talk to him about it, express what you've told us, and ask him if a list will help. If a daily list is too much structure for him, you could try a checklist of things that need to happen every week.

NCshopper · Hermes

luckylily wrote:

Is it possible that your husband is experiencing some depression? I think it can be hard on men to be in his position.

That was my first thought too. I think it's really hard on men when they can no longer provide for their family. I know that when I've been depressed it's VERY hard to get up the motivation to do anything productive around the house. Is there any way he can maybe see a therapist or talk to his regular doctor about depression? If that's the underlying problem, then I think that needs to be dealt with first.

I don't think you're being selfish at all though. After working a full day, you are fully right to come home and expect that at least something has been taken care of.

Kitty · Hermes

*hugs* I'm sorry, that sounds like a really rough situation.

I agree with the others, you don't sound selfish in the least! If money is tight, it seems he should be doing something to help out - even if it is just part-time work. I would also be going insane if I was working all the time and my husband wasn't at least doing some of the household chores (dishes, laundry, etc.)

Maybe you guys need to see some professional help? It doesn't sound like having a talk will help...

Elle · Hermes

I agree with the other girls about depression being a contributing factor. Also, IMO sometimes it's hard for the person who is the lesser in charge of cleaning to take initiatve because they aren't used to doing so. I think that providing some sort of direction might be helpful. You could make up a chart of all the things that need to be done each week/day, and then ask him to take over very specific daily and weekly tasks. Then if something doesn't get done, you can talk about it instead of saying 'You never help out around here!' and him getting defensive. And, when it's broken down into smaller bits (Dishes, landry, vaccuuming, etc) it's easier to swallow rather than 'Clean'.

ETA: Many times my FH starts to get lazy or slack off on specific things. When that happens, I just try to let it go, but I don't take care of it for him. For me, it's him leaving his clothes alllllll over our bedroom. I'll pick things up occasionally, but if he starts to abuse the assumption that I'll just 'Take care of it' I stop picking things up and only wash what makes it into the hamper. Occasionally it comes around that he doesn't have any clean uderwear or all his work scrubs are dirty, and that usually sets the light bulb off. So if dishes are his job, you might just have to look at ALOT of dirty dishes for awhile. Hopefully when he figures out that if he doesn't do them, they don't get done, he'll be a little quicker on the uptake.

-- Edited by Elle at 14:04, 2006-04-28

small fry · Chanel

Thanks girls for your support I feel like crying right now, in fact i just got back from the grocery store and I looked a plant that needed to be replaced(dying) and I yanked it out of the ground with alot of anger and threw it across the yard

this is not like me

Yes I think he gets depressed about the health issues he has mentioned before how he wishes he could do what he used too. I will start writting things down that need to be done maybe that will help. I have asked him before if I need to start a check list or something he said no I dont need one.I hate when I feel like this b/c I thank God for my health eveyday and what if the tables were turned around and I was in his shoes

Jade · Nine West

You r not selfish! I really feel for u. It's so hard to do everything. The list thing is a good idea. May be he's not sure how u want things to be done. For some reason men r not born to do simple housework.

My parents were just like u and your husband. Mom had to work because dad wasn't able to do any hard labor. So dad was Mr. Mom when I was 6. They had the same problems like u. Mom did everything to make my dad do the housework. Sceaming her lungs out, talking about it, giving out orders, refusing to feed us and not clean the house for a while. Now mom is not mean, she worked in a sweat shop and it was bad working there. Work was hard and long hours for cheap pay. Going home to take care a grown man and three spoiled rotten kids is not her idea of relaxing at home. I wouldn't blame her. Dad did finally learned to do the housework, but it was a long time.

Now it will be my turn soon. My man doesn't clean his house or wash clothes. Why don't moms teach their boys to do these things?

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

Although, I like the idea of a Daily List.. Some men would probably be insulted and feel like if you leave them a list of "chores" each day that you are treating them like a child. Maybe your husband would be upset if you try this?

I really feel for you though. Like someone else said, you are not Superwoman and you shouldn't have to pretend that you are.

In my honest opinion.. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that you are paying for a cleaning lady while you are at work all day and your son is at school. What does he do all day? (I hope that doesn't sound harsh.)

It is nice that your husband volunteers, but since money is tight... and you need help around the house.. I think you really need to lay down the law! You really need to sit down with him and explain how you feel about all of this. He needs to support you.. whether it be helping pay some bills (with a part-time job) or at least taking over most of the housework.

I also think depression might be a factor here. Maybe you guys should go for some family therapy so that your DH can see another perspective.

Good luck hun!

-- Edited by JoceyBaby23 at 16:51, 2006-04-28

small fry · Chanel

JoyceBaby23 no I dont think you should harsh at all in fact I agree with everything you said. Well he will water the plants maybe do the dishes... the clothes can be piled a mile high and he is blind to that. Alot of the time is fiddles with a web site that he designed for the fire dept and play free cell on the computer. When Chris comes home he will help with homework makes sure he eats supper gets a shower and in bed on time. Although he does not cook maybe every once in a while. I keep quick meals on hand b/c he says he does not like to cook just for him and chris

since it is a small meal. one time he said Iam tired of sandwichs and quick foods I said well there is food in the feezer to cook and that is when he made the comment about cooking just for two.I think I will try and talk to him tonight iam at the point where I dont want to have some space from him

shopgirl82 · Chanel

sweetheart, the money you are spending on a cleaning lady could be spent at the spa. it sounds like you could use it. i also think it is beyond ridiculous that you have to spend $$$ on a cleaning lady while your husband plays free cell!! two things that may be explored are possible depression and making a contract. he needs to agree to help you and if it means making a list, it needs to be done. also, if he's not cleaning the way you want him to, show him how! i don't think it's disrespectful to him, especially since you have currently been pulling the weight. you're working two jobs while he's playing free cell. not fair! maybe sit down with him, voice your upsets and make a list of household chores that he needs to do. and if he doesn't do them, LEAVE THEM THERE. it may drive you crazy, but it sounds like you're already at the breaking point.

take care of yourself so you can be a better wife and mother (i would tell him that too).

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Aw sweetie! Big hugs - you are not selfish at all. You are working hard, and he needs to appreciate that. And he wants to work hard and take care of his end of things, it sounds like he just doesn't really know what to do and it makes him feel defensive to be in that spot. Don't let his deensiveness make you feel like a bad person. You're asking him to figure out how to help you, and that's just reasonable. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. And he's so lucky to have you!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

What a tough situation! You're not selfish kaykay -- you've stood by him and been incredibly understanding all along.

I agree that it sounds as though your husband may be depressed. My suggestion is to speak with your family doctor and discuss whether or not your husband is depressed. If he is, they can treat him with therapy and even anti-depressants if he wants to try them. It would be ideal if your husband would speak with the doctor with you, but if he refuses to go, I still think you should talk to your doctor. I'll check the link to be sure, but I believe there's a website about depression: www.depressionscreening.org. It has a checklist that helps as a starting off point.

If he is depressed, it's not surprising that he hasn't been helping much. Even getting out of bed in the morning can be hard for a depressed person. Neither you nor he should keep living like this, though, so it's time for some changes! I agree that this would be a particularly hard pill for a man to swallow, and he may also feel insulted if he's given a chart with chores on it. Maybe sit down and talk about this again first and tell him you feel you've come to a wall -- something has to give and you want to avoid an ugly fight.

Keep us updated!

eta: Here's the link to the depression screening site

www.depressionscreening.org

-- Edited by scarlett at 15:30, 2006-04-29

Ally S · Kate Spade

Sorry, but aren't you afraid or thinking he will read it here? He was/is a member. And what are your mother's and grandmother's thoughts on this...since they are members too, perhaps they can help, or not.

If not, I would certainly send him what you sent to us about the whole thing. I would also get rid of the housekeeper! He's home and can help!

-- Edited by Ally S at 22:14, 2006-04-29

stylethread_admin · BCBG

RE: *****update**** long husband vent argh..........

small fry · Chanel

Update

First of all thank you ladies for letting me confide in you. I love you all! I needed to talk to someone and I dont like talking to my Mom about these kind of things. I can tell her anything but somethings I dont like to involve her in. I feel better just by talking about it even if it was on here.

scarlett Thank you for the website it was very helpful.

Well when I explained my feelings he did not say to much, I asked him if he was depressed but he said no just frustrated of always being broke inbetween paydays and his health issues. I told him he could tell me if he was depressed b/c I want to help anyway I can. He also said that dont be surprised if he gets grumpy if he puts the apron strings on

I ask him to explain but he really did not give me a answer. I also said that if the tables would be reverse and I was the SAHM you would expect me to do the house cleaning. He agreed with that. I did most of the talking and I got the feeling that he did not want to talk about it or tell me what he really felt. So I dropped it and went to bed. He did mention that I spend to much time on ST, as soon as I come home from work I go stright to the computer. Well I will admit to that b/c i do love this site. I told him yes I do spend alot of time on here but look at the time you spend on playing free cell and the fire dept sites. Well maybe I need to spend more time with him and not so much time on here.

Hermes

kaykay wrote:

Well maybe I need to spend more time with him and not so much time on here.

yeah, this is probably a good idea.

Hedvig · Coach

I think it would be hard for most people to admit, even to themselves, that they are depressed. Especially if it's because they feel useless or inferior in some respect. And I do think it would be only natural if your husband felt inferior because he's not able to work, and of course the situation also makes him frustrated.

I'm sure you'll be able to work it out. I'm currently a housewife and since I don't really do anything else that's very useful, I just accept the fact that doing all or most of the housework is my responsibility in our little household. And I still find doing it so troublesome a lot of the time that I just keep putting it off until I absolutely have to do it. I know, I know, I'm a terrible housewife and I do feel I'm pretty useless sometimes...

Btw, detroit, I hope you're not saying us ST addicts should actually cut down on hanging around on here and get a life? You can't be serious! I'm experiencing dire withdrawal symptoms just thinking about it!

Hermes

Hedvig wrote:

Btw, detroit, I hope you're not saying us ST addicts should actually cut down on hanging around on here and get a life? You can't be serious! I'm experiencing dire withdrawal symptoms just thinking about it!

oh c'mon. where did you read that? I was just agreeing with HER conclusion.

:rollingeyes:

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

So he basically wouldn't talk about it? And he just sort of insulted you? So what it boils down to is women do the housework, and it hurts his pride to be stuck inthis role? That's understandable that it's hard for him, but he's not beign fair in expecting you to do everything.

Can you appeal to his sense or pride to take care of his house? I mean, this is his role now, and it does suck that he's not able to be as active as he used to be, but he's doing his job badly. (Don't say it like that, obviously, but he sounds like the kind of person who usually ahs a good work ethic and takes pride in doing things well). Then ask him if he's happy with a less clean house, and if he is, maybe live with that, but he has to keep it up at the level that he's agreed to. Does that make sense?

Because this thing about apron strings and turning the tables on you and how you spend your free time is bullshit. You're working and you're entitled to spend your free time doing what you want. He has a job too, and if he doesn't want to do it, then he has to come up with another way for it to get done. Good luck!