STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

negative remarks about your SO?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

This does sound frustrating and like people aren't being fair. I guess my thought is, what does it matter what other people think as long as you're comfortable? I would put it back on them, "Oh, you think I should be upset?" Or "Why are you telling me this?" Or, if you're REALLY good friends with someone, it would be funny to be like "OMG - youre' right he's an ASSHOLE! I'm going to break up with him RIGHT NOW! And I'll tell him it's because you opened my eyes...."

luckylily · Gucci

That is totally rude, especially since he has a very legitimate fear.

My DH has social anxiety disorder. He does extremely well now, but a few years ago (before I met him), he was this close to never leaving the house. He's totally good day to day, but sometimes he totally dreads social events. If he isn't feeling up to doing something, I'll go by myself. No big deal to us at all. He doesn't want to get in the way of my having fun, and I don't want him to be having a miserable time. My friends totally get it for the most part, but my family sometimes give me a hard time about him. They ask prodding questions about why he isn't more talkative at family events and try to get me to say bad things about him by asking if it bothers me.

Although my husbands anxiety and your SOs fear aren't the same, it is similar in that it is something that people just don't understand. It isn't something you just "get over." I'd probably recommend that you just take it with a smile and blow it off. If someone brings it up just say something like, "well, i completely understand his reasoning and support his decision, and i'm the one that matters." Then change the subject.

-- Edited by luckylily at 20:03, 2006-03-03

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i don't think you're being too sensitive at all. it's just rude whenever people feel the need to interject their unsolicited opinion into someone else's relationship. some people do it out of love--they feel like you deserve "better" but others imo, just like to judge. like if they didn't have something to judge, they'd go nuts or something. and honestly this isn't even a big deal. after all it's not like you're moving to italy and he's refusing to visit. you'll just be there for a month! and i agree that of course it doesn't matter what other people think but still it's annoying. imo, no reaction is the best reaction to this kind of thing. when someone says something, just change the subject. they'll have to shut up eventually if you're just refusing to engage. anyway, hth and have fun in italy!

erin · Chanel

as someone who's never flown, and is really afraid of flying..i can relate to your bf.

i have yet to come up with a good comeback when someone says something rude about my fear being ridiculous, but usually i just nod at them politely and change the subject.

Metric · Gucci

I can completely relate to your situation, Scarlett. As much as we love each other, my bf and I live pretty separate lives and value our time apart. Alot of our friends and family (my family in particular) don't understand this and think that our relationship is in trouble. In fact, its completely the opposite- we love each other so much.

We don't really vacation togeather and this is a huge issue for my family, they constantly make negative remarks about it. My bf doesn't get much vacation time and doesn't value travel as much as I do, he would rather have possessions than memories. It works out fine for us -I go to Spain, He stays home and buys a new motorcycle. As much as I would love for him to come to Spain, he is happier with his toys. Does that mean we don't love each other? Absolutley not.

My solution has always been to either defend yourself (if someone makes a negative remark, speak up and set them straight) or just let it go. If your family is anything like mine, they have a pre-concieved notion of your relationship and how it should be. That doesn't mean thats how it has to be.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

Thank you so much, everyone, for all your responses. It is a big relief for me to hear your thoughts and also know that others have similar situations and understand. It's true, the most important thing is how I feel about my BF. I'm very happy with him and he's very happy with me. Sure, it would be nice if he wasn't afraid to fly, but it's not my place to pressure him into "getting over it." I think it's true that people get ideas about what other peoples relationships "should be" and then they like to air their opinions to you. When this friend from school has made remarks I've said something along the lines of "It's his fear and while I don't share his fear, I have to accept that it's very real to him. He'll deal with this in his own way." If she brings it up again I may have to tell her to shut the hell up.

Dizzy, I like your comebacks. I'll have to try those!

Luckylily, you sound like an incredibly supportive wife. Your husband is lucky to have you.

Esquiress, very insightful point of view as always!

Erin, I'm sorry you have to field these kinds of rude remarks too.

Metric, I admire the understanding you share with your BF. Sounds like a good relationship to me!

Thanks again, ladies, I feel much better now.