STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kiss · Nine West

I did something stupid

Hermione · Kate Spade

Normally I would say that you should just go ahead and tell him, but at this point it has been so long that it's almost worse that you haven't told him ...

honestly, two years later, do you think the guy will say anything to your DH about what you specifically did? probably not ... and anyone else he hears it from he won't believe them (like when your "friend" tried to tell him) i think you could get away with not saying anything.

here's the thing though: if you are still on pins and needles two years later, do you really want to live your whole life feeling guilty and secretive with your DH? if it's something that's eating away at you, it may be (ultimately) cathartic just to tell him - that's up to you whether or not you can live with it.

p.s. i'm really feeling for you girl, what a tough thing to go through, and i know it's got to be hard not really being able to talk about it. (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))

ETA: just thought of this - can't you just tell your husband that you're not comfortable hanging out with this guy? i mean it would be understandable (sex or no sex)

-- Edited by Hermione at 14:35, 2006-02-28

asf · Kate Spade

wow.

i'm not sure i have any advice, i just wanted to say that i totally feel for you. what an uncomfortable situation to be in.

any way you can avoid the dinner party without making it obvious why you aren't going?

i'm sure some of the ladies here will have great advice, as always...good luck.

blubirde · Chanel

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me but here's my advice:

Don't tell him. Don't tell him and if it ever comes out, lie. Say it didn't happen.

I know it's terrible to lie and it's terrible what you did and all that but if you're serious about being with DH forever and you know this would end it, don't tell. You being on pins and needles is bad and I feel really sorry for you but the feelings you would have if your marriage broke up would be even worse.

I'm with Hermione. Can't you tell DH that you're not comfortable around that guy, that it just brings back bad memories or something?

All of that said, I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves forgiveness. It sounds like what happened wasn't all your fault, although you are ultimately responsible for cheating. It was a bad situation and what can I say? Shit happens, ya know?

Now that I look back at my advice, I don't know. I know if this happened to me and the boy, it would be over between us. As time moves on and passes, I think this indiscretion will become less and less of a current anxiety and more and more a painful memory. I think I'd just let it be that and try to move on as best as I could.

luckylily · Gucci

I don't think you should tell DH.

You obviously made a huge mistake and you already have a lot of regrets. What purpose would it serve to tell him? You would get it off your chest and that might feel a bit better. However, he would be hurt and it could potentially destroy the relationship you have been working to rebuild over the two years since it happened.

I think you should avoid the party tho. Clearly you are uncomfortable around the guy, so I don't think it would be an additional lie to tell your DH that you'd rather not go.

Shello · Kenneth Cole

I second blubirde. I cheated on my ex-boyfriend once, and he was upset for months, and he thought I just kissed another guy. It was only a small factor of why we broke up, but it caused him a lot more pain than I imagined it would, and if it's already been two years, why do that to him now?

I think he'll wonder if there are other things that may have happened that you didn't share with him since it's already been so long. If you're happy now, and everything is working out, leave it in the past.

I doubt the guy would say anything since he hasn't yet, but if he does do something like get drunk and start spouting things, it should be really easy to tell your husband that since it was so long ago, he has all the details wrong and maybe confused what happened with some other girl.

asf · Kate Spade

i came back to tell you i didn't think you should tell dh, and it looks like i've been beaten to the punch!

and i think telling dh that you're uncomfortable around the guy is a good idea - even if he doesn't know the full extent of things, he should understand why you might not feel good in that situation.

jj · Kate Spade

Oh man, this is a tough one. I agree that you shouldn't tell. I support the theory that telling him could only serve to make you feel better but make him feel awful - like you are only doing it to clear your conscience and not better your relationship. Does that make any sense??

I also think there is NO WAY in hell that this guy will tell your DH the truth. He probably wants it to go away as much as you do. Chatting with your husband may be his way to get things back to normal - it would be more awkward if he avoided you.

Hermes

I agree with the others - don't come clean - it won't accomplish anything you're seeking to accomplish (clean slate - focus on the future.)

I agree that you should avoid the party and explain that you don't feel comfortable around him, that it brings up bad memories and that you just want to move on.

I also agree that this guy won't say anything. I'd just steer clear and focus on your future.

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

I am going to echo what everyone else said. At this point, it would do no good. He already knows *something* happens and you guys have already moved passed it. You've already dealth with the fact that someone told him you had sex with him; and he didn't believe her. What's the worst that can happen now? He's already proven that he believes you. It doesn't sound like this guy is going to tell your husband, especially since he's had a couple of opportunities to do so. I would just let it go.

I also agree with the other girls that you should tell him you don't feel comfortable around the guy and you think you should nix contact with him. Or tell him you don't want a reminder of your previous indiscretions.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

Oh sweetie - this sucks. I am going to agree with everyone and tell your DH that you are simply uncomfortable going to the party (or any other function he would be at) and I am sure your hubby would get the point w/no protests to go.

It seems like you have taken many strides to improve your relationship and I think at this point after so long to tell DH would be a major step back. You would basicaly have to start over with building trust all over again. i say cut the guy and the toxic friend out of your life completely.

Hopefully if he "hears" anything else, he will not believe it. {{{hugs}}}

atlgirl · Gucci

Oh man, my stomach hurts just reading your post. What a rough spot to be in!

I'm not normally an advocate of lying, but sometimes to tell the truth (esp. after so much time) seems to be the "less kind" path for your DH, and I agree that he'd probably wonder why you didn't tell him in the first place.

You sound completely remorseful for what happened, and though it was a biggie, it was a mistake (we all make them) and you are certainly having it come back to you from time to time. Probably a bit of karma, I guess. :(

I just don't see what would truly be accomplished by your coming fully clean now. It seems like to do so would cause more pain than good, so I have to agree with the others who say don't tell. And I agree that explaining that you are uncomfortable around this other man makes sense; your husband surely would understand that. I'm not sure my DH would even be able to be so casual and civil with "the other guy" if that had happened to us, so it's very big of yours.

I'm glad that you two have worked things out, and I sincerely hope that this is the last time the issue rears its ugly head for you. *hugs*

NCshopper · Hermes

Oh dear, what a crappy situation.

Normally I'd say tell DH about it, because I think being honest generally is the best policy. But sometimes it's not, and I'm thinking to tell DH in this situation is going to produce more harm than good. My only concern is that someone will tell him and he'd be pissed to find out from someone else about it. But you said that's already happened and he didn't believe the "friend" so that's playing in your favor. I think that not telling your DH is probably the best way to go about it for now though, especially if things are going well right now. However if it looks like you really think someone else would tell him about it, then a pre-emptive strike might be necessary.

Anyway, as far as this party/get-together goes, fake sick. Or find some other excuse not to go.

I really feel for you. This can't be fun.

(((((hugs)))))

Ally S · Kate Spade

No other advice but to say I agree with all the girls in keeping quiet and avoiding this guy from now on. I really am sorry that you are going through this and hope everything turns out ok.

{{{{hug}}}}

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

atlgirl wrote:

Oh man, my stomach hurts just reading your post. What a rough spot to be in! I'm not normally an advocate of lying, but sometimes to tell the truth (esp. after so much time) seems to be the "less kind" path for your DH, and I agree that he'd probably wonder why you didn't tell him in the first place. You sound completely remorseful for what happened, and though it was a biggie, it was a mistake (we all make them) and you are certainly having it come back to you from time to time. Probably a bit of karma, I guess. :( I just don't see what would truly be accomplished by your coming fully clean now. It seems like to do so would cause more pain than good, so I have to agree with the others who say don't tell. And I agree that explaining that you are uncomfortable around this other man makes sense; your husband surely would understand that. I'm not sure my DH would even be able to be so casual and civil with "the other guy" if that had happened to us, so it's very big of yours. I'm glad that you two have worked things out, and I sincerely hope that this is the last time the issue rears its ugly head for you. *hugs*

I totally agree with all of this--good luck sweetie.

Cricket · Gucci

Oh man, that sucks. I'm sure this must have been a big burden on you these years, but I think you should still keep it to yourself. Telling him would only hurt him. There's no reason now to say anything. You know what you did was wrong and you won't let it happen again. I'd just try to stay away from him... whatever it takes.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I agree with the other ladies -- you and your DH have been through more than enough already. Telling him now will only cause more pain and ruin all the great progress you've made. The important thing is that you two have worked out your problems and your marriage is stronger than ever. You're happy together, and you deserve to be. Don't beat yourself up about what happened. You were in a terrible situation and yes, a mistake was made. But you don't need to punish yourself for the rest of your life.

It's a great idea to tell your husband you feel uncomfortable around this guy -- he is sure to understand, and he may even be relieved. And I can't imagine any circumstance under which this guy would tell your DH what happened. There's no reason for him to ever say anything about it.

blink · Coach

Fess up and risk the cards you put on the table anyway when you made the decision to cheat. It's your only choice in my opinion, but I know don't most people feel like I do and would disagree with me. I am a discloser myself, so I couldn't live with a lie like that eating at me, no matter if anyone else could blow my cover or not, I would rather take the heat and be done with it than sit on it and burn for a lifetime.

-- Edited by lorelei at 16:09, 2006-03-01

kahluamilk · Dooney & Bourke

i wouldn't say anything either ..

hope everything goes smoothly...

ejc423 · Coach

lorelei wrote:

I am a discloser myself, so I couldn't live with a lie like that eating at me, no matter if anyone else could blow my cover or not, I would rather take the heat and be done with it than sit on it and burn for a lifetime. -- Edited by lorelei at 16:09, 2006-03-01

Yeah, it would be hell to live with it, but what good does telling him accomplish? A clear conscience? Because telling him doesn't change what happened. It only hurts him, which would also cause even more pain for Kiss.

Kiss, I hope you can come to a point where you can put this behind you. Guilt really doesn't accomplish anything. I do have a concern though--you say this would be unforgivable to DH. Do you think knowing this will keep you from being able to forgive yourself?

This is tough, I would definitely need some professional counseling to help me think through things. . . I'm hoping all the best for you.