STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

A Nyla Update ~Updated again~

HeatherLynn · Gucci

RE: A Nyla Update

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Girl you're the best! I love how you have the whole "I dont' know if I can let them be in MY club thing down - no wonder they're all crazy for you!" But please dear, stay away from stupid.... he makes me nervous...

NCshopper · Hermes

Good heavens! Sounds like you have your hands full! I swear, T sounds more and more like this lame ass ex-boyfriend of mine. The crying, the lame jokes, the inappropriate and stupid things he said...all of it. He sounds like he has absolutely nothing going on in his life and he's just obsessing over you and trying desperately to win you back.

Stupid makes me a bit nervous too, but I'm really glad to hear he's admitting to some of his faults. That's big.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

T & Stupid - yikes - this is the general breed of men in the dating pool? Your thing with D sounds great at this point

"It is what it is and whatever it is, it's good. I'm just so relaxed, happy and stress-free when I'm with him and that's just what I need right now. " - I'm glad for you. Sounds the most sane of everything.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Girl, I can't keep all your boys straight. Pretty soon you're going to run out of letters of the alphabet

kenzie · Chanel

RE: A Nyla Update ~Updated Again~

HeatherLynn · Gucci

I would love to be the person to tell you not to get back with Stupid and that he won't change, but I can't. I don't know if you remember me posting about a boy who broke up with my through a text message, well him and I are back together. We have been back together for sometime now (4 or 5 mths) and it has been pretty much perfect this time around. I honestly believe he learned from the first time around and that's why things are better this time. However, I entered into thing very cautiously. We talked for about 2-3 months before ever getting back together. Also, we did most of our talking on the phone or online so the face to face emotions weren't there. Once we saw each other we knew we were getting back together so I'm glad we talked first and worked everything out. We had to discuss a lot of issues and you will have to do the same. The most important thing is to remember what your goals were as the single you, and don't forget those if you get back together with him. Be cautious, but remember they can change. If you want to talk feel free to PM me. Just take everything in and go slow!

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

"In fact, I don't think I even took a second to really digest the loss of the relationship."

this could be a key statement. if you never really took the time to digest it and see the breakup/relationship for what it was/is, then you could just be having these feelings because it's easy or comfortable to fall back into the relationship. (not that this is necessarily what's going on, just something to consider). seeing him again can remind you of how comfortable it was to be in a relationship, and after dealing with all the single crap you've encountered, that can look pretty appetizing. but then again, there's nothing wrong with going back to give the relationship another chance to go back to that comfy place if that's what you want and is going to make you happy, b/c in the end you being happy is what it's all about.

breakups are so hard b/c it takes sooo long to get the person out of the back of your mind -- i broke up with a guy i dated for 3 years, and it took 2 years after the breakup (and him moving across the country) for me to stop having him there in the back of my mind whenever i was dating someone else.

ugghh, being single can be so great and fun and totally suck too. heatherlynn is right, if you take it slow and really use this time to try to work out your issues, there's really nothing to lose and tons to gain.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

NylaBelle wrote:

Stupid - Please don't yell at me. I want to fix things. But he's not going to get off that easily. He lost my trust and needs to earn it back. He needs to back up his talk with actions for quite a long time. I can't help it. I love him and despite all the craziness of other guys, I never stopped loving him.
In fact, I don't think I even took a second to really digest the loss of the relationship. I didn't even cry over it. But wow, the floodgates have opened this weekend. I have been teary-eyed non-stop since he left and my emotions are just indescribable. It's a combination of loss, love, helplessness and hope.

Ok, do what you want. But seriously, the whole dynamic has been you add to his life, and he takes from you, right? So you're going to be careful that he is not just trying to get his hooks back into you so that you can fix his life for him again, right? Because you are doing so well and your life is going awesome, and you're an inspiration to all us single girls... So obviously you don't need him. But he needs you. And I just don't want you to give what you have away to someone who isn't capable of giving you anything back. But if he is, and more importantly, DOES give back to you for a while, then.. I can't make my fingers type "you have my blessing..." But I can promise to hold off on the hit for a while. Is that good enough?

kenzie · Chanel

Dizzy wrote:

Ok, do what you want. But seriously, the whole dynamic has been you add to his life, and he takes from you, right? So you're going to be careful that he is not just trying to get his hooks back into you so that you can fix his life for him again, right? Because you are doing so well and your life is going awesome, and you're an inspiration to all us single girls... So obviously you don't need him. But he needs you. And I just don't want you to give what you have away to someone who isn't capable of giving you anything back. But if he is, and more importantly, DOES give back to you for a while, then.. I can't make my fingers type "you have my blessing..." But I can promise to hold off on the hit for a while. Is that good enough?

Yes, Dizzy dear, that is good enough.

As for what you said, I know, I know. He isn't going to win me back and make me say I won't date other people yet. He's got some work to do. I haven't written off other guys. I haven't told Stupid (who's initial is J, by the way, but Stupid really seems to work better, doesn't it? ) that I'm going to see him exclusively and that we are back together.

We are not, in fact, back together. I am very much still in the dating pool (hello, D!!), Stupid is just one of the people I'm dating at the moment. But if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, well, hey, that's Stupid's loss. If he messes up again, he's going to lose the best damn thing that ever happened to him (as I'm sure he's well aware since he has, apparently, encountered some nutty girls in his recent dating escapades).

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

NylaBelle wrote:

If he messes up again, he's going to lose the best damn thing that ever happened to him (as I'm sure he's well aware since he has, apparently, encountered some nutty girls in his recent dating escapades).

damn straight he will - glad he's finally figured that out! and he's been dating crazies because he's finally back down in his own level...

poptart · Coach

NylaBelle wrote:

I know you'll all have some opinions, but please be gentle. I'm very emotional right now.

Aww, poor Nyla! I seriously feel for you. You know that I am somewhat anti-stupid (hee hee) but that I trust your judgment on making the decision, but here's my opinion, FWIW. Sorry in advance that this may be long.

I would wait. Seriously wait. Like a month, with limited contact, before you even contemplate bringing up with Stupid the way that you feel. Of course you still love him, and of course he's not a completely horrible guy. But, I think you have a tendency to see things in black and white - it's idealistic. I do it, too, so of course I don't think it's necessarily bad. But, it can be ... problematic. I know that logically you're reminding yourself of the bad things about your relationship with him, but emotionally it sounds like you're only really feeling the hopeful stuff right now, which is totally natural. But, it's my opinion that no one should get back with an ex until they are feeling the full mix of emotions - the pain, the distrust, the outright dislike, AND the love and hopefullness. Because that mix is what your relationship will be if you get back together with him. Maybe not forever, but for a while.

Do you think Stupid is mature enough to handle a relationship that is that messy? Do you think he can do the things he would need to do to truly win you back? And I don't just mean the things to win you back and make you a "happy girlfriend" -- like clean up his house and call when he says he's going to. I mean the things that would make you happy with him in the long-term, that could make you a "happy SO" so to speak? -- things like going to counseling and figuring out how to have a functional relationship with his mother, and stuff like that.

Think about what your relationship would be six months from now. And take time to really feel the hurt of the relationship. After then you've thought about this stuff for a while, if you still want to give it a try, I'd say go for it.

Sorry for all the run-on sentences and stream of consciousness. It's early on a Monday.

blubirde · Chanel

Oh Nyla, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. But I suppose it has to come at some point, right?

I won't be hard on you but let me tell you, when I broke up with the ex, I probably would have gotten back together with him if he'd played his cards right. That's hard to say but I would have ignored everything my brain was telling me and gone with my heart after we first broke up. Of course I realize you and Stupid have been broken up for a bit of time but it sounds like you're just now dealing with the ramifications of a broken relationship.

So I'm not going to yell at you by any means (how could I?), but I AM going to urge you to wait and let time do its thing. I agree with poptart. You have to go through all the emotions of a breakup before you can begin healing. And you can only make a decision to let Stupid back into your life if you're healed.

Just remember that a lot of people feel the way you feel after they breakup. It's normal. That said, I know from reading your previous posts that you weren't happy with Stupid. Yes, you weren't happy with your job and all that but you know as well as I do that you weren't happy with Stupid, in particular. Of course he can change but the odds are he won't. That doesn't mean it won't work, it just means you have to be prepared to deal with the worst and be able to deal with it in a different way than y'all did before.

Keep posting and keep living your life. Dating can be really fun and it can be really challenging. The best things in life are worth working for, right? (Hopefully the best things = a fabulous, wonderful guy.) Just don't settle. You deserve everything you want.

BargainQueen · Marc Jacobs

Ok I may be the only one, but I'm crossing my fingers Stupid has really changed and maybe y'all can work things out. I totally relate to you when I was single.

FWIW, my hubby went through some major growing pains when we were dating, hence it was a very tough and hurtful time for me. We'd been dating since High School and ended up breaking up when he was 21 cuz he was being a major jackass. We were on again off again. It escalated to the point that I said, "If you're breaking up with me, this is seriously the last time I ever want to see you again". I turned off my phone, took different ways home (we lived 3 houses apart), and stopped hanging out w/our mutual friends. Just like Stupid he realized I wouldn't always be there and realized he had been an immature jerk. I swore I would never take him back, I went out with some really nice guys but in the end, I followed my heart and we worked everything out. I was putting my heart at risk again, but it just felt right.

After we got back together the last time, everything took a complete 360. We got married withing a year, he is now the most sweetest, caring hubby and father. Sometimes I can't even believe on how different he is now than when we were dating. It's so hard to explain how things have changed, unless you lived through them yourself. Just like you said, don't let him off easy and make him earn your trust back. Every situation is different so I'm not saying your's will work out like mine, so hang in there & do what feels right. PM me if you ever need to talk.

lynnie · Chanel

i agree with the girls. I think its almost impossible to get your ex out of the back of your head for a really long time- maybe even a couple of years, like e_doli said. Thats how i feel about my current ex, after dating for 3 years. I love him, and he's a great guy, a lot of things i love- but i don't know if i loved our.. relationship per se. I was sad more than i was happy- and a lot of my sadness stemmed from loving him as much as i do- which makes me even sadder. Just ask yourself if you'd be happier with or without him, if he's the one you can picture driving out west with you and starting a new life, if he's the one you want to live all your adventures with. Because coming from a relationship where there have been multiple breakups- the relationship ends up getting a tad more serious and complicated each time. Give yourself some more time to date your boys- i know when you don't end up meeting your soulmate after some time, you imagine that it won't happen. But don't settle!! if he's the guy for you, it will get more and more apparent with time.

ViViDogWear · Kate Spade

lynnie wrote:

i agree with the girls. I think its almost impossible to get your ex out of the back of your head for a really long time- maybe even a couple of years, like e_doli said. Thats how i feel about my current ex, after dating for 3 years. I love him, and he's a great guy, a lot of things i love- but i don't know if i loved our.. relationship per se. I was sad more than i was happy- and a lot of my sadness stemmed from loving him as much as i do- which makes me even sadder. Just ask yourself if you'd be happier with or without him, if he's the one you can picture driving out west with you and starting a new life, if he's the one you want to live all your adventures with. Because coming from a relationship where there have been multiple breakups- the relationship ends up getting a tad more serious and complicated each time. Give yourself some more time to date your boys- i know when you don't end up meeting your soulmate after some time, you imagine that it won't happen. But don't settle!! if he's the guy for you, it will get more and more apparent with time.

I agree with Lynnie - the longer the relationshoip and the more back and forth, ups and downs, the more difficult it is to let go of the idea of you and him together. But my friend also gave me that advice - were there more good times than bads? What was the ratio? If it's leaning toward good - then possible you can work on it. If it was even close to 50/50 - i would suggest to stay away and really consider what you want to put yourself at emotional risk for.