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Maven · BCBG

Parents and Daughter--who pays?

jacL · Coach

Well, my mother always told me since I was very young that she would pay for my education but not my wedding. Which, considering a lot of my friend's parents do the opposite, I have always been okay with this. My mother never had a wedding (married twice) because it wasn't doable finacially and she just wanted to put the money to use elsewhere. I definately want a wedding, though some of my mother's sentiments about weddings have rubbed off on me (so a small wedding for me!).

So my opinion is that while it would be very nice of the parents to give a generous cash gift, as you did, the daughter should not expect them to pay for the whole thing. And IF they do, they should be able to have some input, if they so wish. Sounds like the daughter may turn into a Bridezilla though.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

My parents have prided themselves that they were able to put my brother and myself through college.. and on graduation day - Neither of us had one ounce of debt. My dad said the same about my wedding.

He paid for EVERYTHING.. But we had a small wedding so it only ended up being about $11K.

He knew it was MY day.. and therefore let me make all of the decisions. Sure he had some people he wanted to invite, but we ended up cutting almost all of them.. in the end.

My parents were awesome about everything..

I dont think your friend should EXPECT to make any decisions. It may be her money.. but it is NOT her day. It is all about the bride and groom, not her.

However, if she doesnt have the money.. That is a different story.. She shouldn't feel obligated to contribute.. but if she does she has to understand this wedding is not about her.

Helping your child pay for their wedding.. and then expecting to have the wedding be the way you want it, is just sooo wrong in my opinion. It is like giving someone a $20 bill for their birthday and telling them exactly how they have to spend it.

Elle · Hermes

JoceyBaby23 wrote:

I dont think your friend should EXPECT to make any decisions. It may be her money.. but it is NOT her day. It is all about the bride and groom, not her. However, if she doesnt have the money.. That is a different story.. She shouldn't feel obligated to contribute.. but if she does she has to understand this wedding is not about her. Helping your child pay for their wedding.. and then expecting to have the wedding be the way you want it, is just sooo wrong in my opinion. It is like giving someone a $20 bill for their birthday and telling them exactly how they have to spend it.

I agree with all of this. It's great if her parents want to pay for some or all of the wedding, but I don't think they are obligated to, especially if both she and her fiance are older and in good financial situations.

Neither FH's parents or my parents have much money - definitely not to throw the kind of wedding we want - so we're paying for it almost entirely ourselves. My parents contributed $5k and FH's parents are paying for the (pizza and beer) rehearsal dinner. We purposefully waited so that we'd have an entire year of gainful employment to save up the cost - afterwards we will be free and clear.

I agree that it sounds like DD is getting a little jump on the bridezilla phenomenon!

tara t · Marc Jacobs

my parents are paying for most of my wedding but butthead and i are paying for the part that traditionally should be paid for by his family.

my parents and i talked about what what important to us, and figured out who picked what. since my parents are paying, i'm letting them make some decisions. they don't expect to pick them all and they have been running it by me first. so it's working out.

i don't think that helped your situation much.

my take on your friends daughter is she sounds a bit bridezilla like. i think she should be able to make some decisions because it is HER wedding, but she also should try to be a little less rigid and let her mom make some of her choices. it's all about compromise.

your friend should realize that she will not be making the majority of the decisions, but the daughter should let her mother ( who is paying for EVERYTHING ) make some that are on the bottom of her priority list.

i could care less about flowers, so my mom can pick those.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

nuh uh no way! it is not a parents responsibility to pay for the wedding! if they want to, thats a different story, but IMO to expect it is amazingly selfish! Especially to expect them to pay but have no imput!

sorry, this just made me really mad!

laken1 · Hermes

I think your friend should say "here is how much I have to spend, if you can't do it on that, the rest is up to you" - I just saw my aunt & uncle go to ridiculous lengths to throw a wedding they couldn't afford to live up to the expectations of the groom & his "rich" parents (which they aren't, but they sure act like it) & now they can't afford to build the house they want, which isn't luxurious to anyone's standards I'm sure. I just think it's ridiculous & it makes me SOOOO mad. It's not your RIGHT to expect your parents to pay more than they can afford.

I really hate spoiled bride girls.

jessallen · Nine West

laken1 wrote:

I think your friend should say "here is how much I have to spend, if you can't do it on that, the rest is up to you" - I just saw my aunt & uncle go to ridiculous lengths to throw a wedding they couldn't afford to live up to the expectations of the groom & his "rich" parents (which they aren't, but they sure act like it) & now they can't afford to build the house they want, which isn't luxurious to anyone's standards I'm sure. I just think it's ridiculous & it makes me SOOOO mad. It's not your RIGHT to expect your parents to pay more than they can afford.

I really hate spoiled bride girls.

Agreed!

My parents paid for about $5k of my wedding, my MIL paid for $2k, and my hubby paid for the remaining $3k. I didn't have the nerve to ask for money from my parents since they've done so much for me financially, so when they gave me the money for the wedding, I was even more appreciative. We certainly didn't 'expect' anything from them.

nyc_shopgirl · Dooney & Bourke

I am daughter #3. My parents gave us each the same amount of money for our weddings. My oldest sister broke her first engagement and any deposits lost were counted against her allotment for her second engagement. Over the years they did adjust the number for inflation (my suggestion). They felt that we could use the money for a big wedding (which we all did/doing) or we could do a smaller one and use the money for a house/grad school, honeymoon, college funds for kids, etc.

Within their alloted amount they invited a set number of people allowed fiance's parents to invite a set number of people and same for bride and groom. Whoever is over their allocated number has to pay the pp cost for the overage. This cost includes all exponential costs, food, flowers, invitations. (Band, photographer, videographer are all set and not dependent). My inlaws were allowed 90 people to attend their guest list is over 140. If everyone comes they invite they know they will end up paying about 8,000 extra.

The one thing we did after we got engaged is both sets of parents and us sat down and deteremined who would pay for what. It is not a pleasant conversation, money never is but it was necessary and it did help ease any questions about the type of wedding everyone wanted. Including us (which no one is really listening to right now but that is a whole other post). Wish your friend luck. A wedding can be very stressful but in the end it is a joyous occaision and how many times can you get the people you love together to celebrate the happy moments?

Becca · Kate Spade

I always grew up understanding that the bride's parents pay for the wedding and the groom's pay for the rehearsal dinner. Maybe it's a southern thing?

My brother recently got married and this is exactly how it went. She also threw them an engagement party and did other stuff like ordered a bunch of cases of wine personalized with their picture and wedding info, which they gave as gifts and served at the wedding.

My mom already has an account set aside for my wedding. She won't tell me how much is in there, but she knows I want a lavish wedding. Luckily, I'm not getting married anytime soon, so my wedding money is earning interest.

In no way do I feel spoiled by this, because it's just something I grew up expecting. But if this was was never implied by my parents I would never ask them to pay for something like this.

Lilykind · Hermes

ILoveChoo wrote:

nuh uh no way! it is not a parents responsibility to pay for the wedding! if they want to, thats a different story, but IMO to expect it is amazingly selfish! Especially to expect them to pay but have no imput! sorry, this just made me really mad!

Me too!!!!! Who does she think she is?

I am not expecting my family to pay for the wedding. Why? They paid a FAR more valuable thing for me...4 years of some of the finest university education in the country. I only have 3k in student debt and most of my friends are dealing with tens of thousands of student loans. I'm not even expecting a wedding. I'd rather have that money be part of a down payment for a house where you get a return on your investment. I'm already planning on a wedding at City Hall and dinner at a lovely restaurant in lieu of a reception.

Sorry to be so harsh but DD sounds like a spoiled brat who NEEDS to be slapped back to reality.

That said, I like laken1's idea.

Also, I should note that I grew up in New York and am 20.

laken1 · Hermes

aclassicbeauty wrote:

I always grew up understanding that the bride's parents pay for the wedding and the groom's pay for the rehearsal dinner. Maybe it's a southern thing?

.

That is clearly what traditional etiquette says, but I just think in this day & age of older brides, children having / making more money than their parents & expecting more than they can afford is plain inconsiderate. If your parents planned this for you, fine, but I would never demand money of my parents for anything, which includes a wedding, and I think that's what this sounds like to me.

Maven · BCBG

Thanks for all your input. I'll be able to give my friend think this through before she and daughter have any more hurt feelings. I think everyone in the family is emotional and stressed out right now. I hope I can help her smooth the waters.