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joy0302


Kate Spade

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I need advice!
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I am going to try and make a REALLY long story a little bit shorter so please forgive me in advance if I don't succeed!! In high school I was friends with a girl who became like a sister to me. We had all of the same friends, liked all of the same things, even worked together for several years. She was very pretty and always did good in school. Basically she had a very promising future as far as her career went and she could have dated any guy she wanted.


Well she met this guy who had lived a VERY hard life. His mom was a prostitute and he did and sold drugs. He lived in another town from us so her parents did not like her going over there by herself. She would always beg me to go with her and for awhile I would because I didn't want her to get hurt going over there by herself. I thought this guy was just someone she would finally get sick of and leave.


Well she didn't and her drug use started getting way out of control. I tried to help her for months, but if someone doesn't want to help themselves there is really not much you can do. It was just an EXTREMELY difficult situation. Her drug use and ignorance put me in very difficult situations that at times we both could have been injured or killed. With her drug use she also became very promiscuous behind her BF's back. One time I even had to help her beat off a guy that was trying to rape her.


Anyways she had a child and i think she has cleaned up her act. The only problem is her husband has not. A few years ago she had written me a letter and apologized for everything and asked me to be friends again. Well we started hanging out every now and then w/o the bf who she has since married. We hung out for about a year and then he started getting arrested for drugs AGAIN!!!!


So since then I haven't really talked to her, but on Christmas she sent me her number and said she misses our friendship. She is still with this guy who apparently will never change. I have never used drugs and just really do not want to be anywhere near any of that. Do you guys think that i should even bother letting her into my life? I have always thought of her as a sister but i don't know if i should let myself get involved again. I could just invite her shopping or things where her druggy hubby won't be. Help me out please and give me some opinions. Sorry again so long. It is hard to put years into a paragraph!!



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nicoley


Coach

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Posts: 1563
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That is a very tough situation... Ive never been in a situation like that, but my first instinct.. if you haven't done this already, would be to call her and just be completely upfront and honest with how you feel about her hubby and the friendship you guys have.  If you think about it,  you have nothing to lose with being honest with her.. and then that way if things dont work out at least you can move on knowing you tried your best to keep a friendship with her.  It seems to me that you really would like to have her as a friend again... she was a huge part of your life, so if you really miss being friends with her, the only thing you can really do is explain to her your feelings and that you dont want to put yourself in certain situations. 


I hope that helps...



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"Deep down you may still be that same great guy I used to know. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins
Elle


Hermes

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Posts: 7139
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If it were me, I'd give her a call and be upfront (as Nicoley suggested).  However, I don't think you should get too involved in her life, for your own safety.  I'd probably tell her that you care about her and miss her friendship, but that you don't support her hubby or his chosen lifestyle and that if she ever wants help (somewhere to drop off her kid if there's trouble, a place to crash, etc) all she has to do is call.  I'd leave it at that.  I have a self-destructive friend too, and as I'm sure you know it's really painful to watch them throw their lives away and continue to make bad choices.  IMO have a regular relationship with her could possibly be very taxing on you - I know I always feel like I have to do something, like I'm responsible for her ...

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2130
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I think Elle said it perfectly. You care about this girl, but getting involved in her life could be dangerous. Sorry, I know it's a really hard call. It would be different if she were trying to change. But if she's stayed with him this long she might never leave. It might be important for her to know that she can count on you if she leaves, though. I hope she gets out of it. And good for you for being a good friend to her...

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NCshopper


Hermes

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Posts: 6065
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Is she still involved with drugs herself?  If not, then I don't really see any point in "punishing" her by not speaking to her just because her husband is using or whatever.  Also, you never know--she might have given you her phone number because she's looking for some help to get out of her situation.  I don't know.  I really like Elle and Nicoley's suggestions--let her know that you're there for her if she needs you, but I don't think you ultimately want to get too involved for your own safety. 

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Karina


Chanel

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Posts: 3257
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I probably wouldn't want to get involved in another relationship with her.  It is very hard to continue being friends with someone who has made such a drastic lifestyle change.... especially not a good one.

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