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Post Info TOPIC: Vent: People Who Contact You ONLY When They Need Something..
shopgirl82


Chanel

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Posts: 3197
Date:
Vent: People Who Contact You ONLY When They Need Something..
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so i had a rough night at work last night, and i just woke up to read an e-mail....and i need advice that is a bit more objective since i am not in the best of spririts right now. 


here's a back story.  my bf and i have been dating over 4 years now.  i am by far the youngest of all the gfs/fiances/wives of couples that we go out with, but i am also the gf who has been around the longest.  i have seen his friends divorce, break up, get back together, etc...


the age difference initially bothered me, and quite a few times my bf's friends have made comments (especially when i was not let into a bar with my fake id when we first started dating and they were all 25ish and older at the time).  my bf has since stopped hanging out with those friends who he knows that i feel uncomfortable with.  well, he'll go to lunch at work with them instead....


so this one friend T is older than my bf and me.  he is 34 (my bf is 29, i'm 23).  i have always liked him.  he's always been nice to me, but occassionally (this summer) i felt like he made some condescending comments.  more of like passive aggressive remarks that could be taken either way, depending on if you were being "sensitive or not".  nothing that i could really complain about, but enough to make me more quiet and shy at dinner.  this behavior started this summer with his new gf M.  i thought she was nice (especially compared to his ex gf), and we had a lot of things in common, but not enough for me to want to hang out with her outside of with my bf.  so to sum things up, i enjoyed, even looked forward to going out with T and M. 


then, in sept. a group of four couples, including my bf and i went camping for a week.  no cabin involved, it was just tents, manual labor, and booze.  we would work on trails (physically exhausting, but soo fun for me), and then quit and drink for the rest of the night.  well, on the ride up there T and M were nice.  Then we got to our campsite, and things went downhill.  it started when we were working and M (pretty high maintainece) started whining.  well, T was right there to wipe the sweat from her head, and almost egg her on (it wasn't that tough, and we could rest whenever we wanted to, so there was no reason to ever complain).  since i had a tool that needed to be used behind them, i was forced to listen to it, while my bf plowed on ahead.  grrr. 


then by the campfire, there was more complaining about how sore she was, and how we were being the best volunteers (um, a lot of times they brought us gourmet food, and imported beer...not really roughing it)  i felt like we could being doing more.  in fact, they often let us out before 5 because the leader would hear M and T complaining.  so at the campfire one night she started to complain, and i just made a comment of how lucky we were to be catered to, and how most volunteer trips are not as first class as this one.  well, T retorted back that we are building trails so their redneck friends can ride their horses as they please (kinda true because the trails were on their property, but these people are highly educated, and the that part of the trail is small in the grand scheme of things).  my bf, who is VERY reserved, made a comment at this point.  not mean, but aggressive, about these people being educated, etc...


so the rest of the trip it was this way.  anything i, or for that matter anyone said, she could do/did, ten times better.  she was always trying to one up me, and everyone else.  the final straw came when we were out in the rain, and to escape the rain, my bf and i, M and T, got in the van.  well, T insisted on putting on the ac!!!  hello, we will get sick, we were just in the rain.  i made that point, but he complained, and since he was closest to the controls, he kept on turning it up.  finally my bf and i got out of the van to stand in the rain because it was better than cold air blowing on our dripping bodies. 


the next day, since we had a free day, i mentioned that all i wanted was to get a massage, and asked my bf if he wanted to, he did.  well, i told the leader that we wanted to, and she called and booked us at her fav. spot.  well M and T and one other couple overheard and decided they wanted to.  then, since M wanted a manicure, they had to go to the place my bf and were going, and my bf and i were split up (AT DIFFERENT SALONS) due to scheduling!  i was sooo mad.  she didn't even offer to cancel her manicure so that we could go together (hello, it was MY idea to get the massage).  so basically, she knew i was mad, and the four of us haven't gone out since.  my bf and T are still friends at work. 


fast forward to today, i just got an e-mail....she wanted to get a BCBG dress for an event, and wanted to know if i work on Sat. Jan. 21st (my birthday), so she could go in and i could buy her a dress with my discount (first i can't even do that cuz she wears a bigger size), and second, who asks that after not talking to me since sept????  and third, i don't even work there anymore!! 


sorry this is so long, and so detailed, but i don't know what to say. 


i don't know if her behavior was a result of her not being cut out for the woods, and that she'll go back to the way she was, and therefore should respond nicely, and make a comment about the four of us getting together sometime...or if i should just say, um, i don't work there anymore, sorry i can't help you out.  recentely T asked my bf and i to go out to dinner with the two of them, but i did not want to.  my bf made a lame comment, that ultimately reflected on me being the reason why we didn't get together, so i don't want to look like this huge brat, i'm willing to give them another try, if i should, but i'm confused at this point. 


thanks for reading this long post and letting me vent...i'm slightly sleep deprived right now..



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"i tell you one lesson I learned If you want to be something in life, You ain't gonna get it unless, You give a little bit of sacrifice, Oohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry.." -The Roots
NCshopper


Hermes

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Posts: 6065
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I probably wouldn't even respond to her e-mail.  But that's just me getting revenge.


If you want to try being better friends with them again, I'd just write her a polite e-mail saying you don't work there anymore, but you hope she has fun at the event.  Something polite, short, and to the point.  No reason to kiss any ass or to be rude.  Just be polite and leave the ball in her court. 



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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She sounds annoying, but annoying in a way that she doesn't know she's being annoying. Like the spa thing - she probably just didn't think about you two wanting to go with eachother. And her comments were whiny, but she probably didn't see it that way. Some people don't see suffering in silence as much of a virtue. (Confession, I have definitely been that kind of people). Then you criticized her and she probably thought it came out of the blue. Plus, since you've been around longer, you're more threatening to her than you would think. I remember how scared I was of my exes long-time friends when I first met them. It took a year before I was really being myself around them. Every little thing people said seemed more hurtful because I didn't know them, but felt all this pressure to be insta-friends.

I guess for me, I would cut her a break. It sounds like she operates on the principle that if she oversteps, you'll say something. I doubt she'll be too upset if you just say something like "I'm sorry, I really don't use my discount for other people because of company policy..." just somethign that makes it a policy for everyone, not just her. And honestly, the whining and stuff can be a pain, but is it worth it to cut this friend out of your boyfriend's life too? Of course, if she gets pushy when you say no, then she might just be a total clod.



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kittenheels


Coach

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Poor baby!  I have been in similar situations before and I know how hard it is to rise above.  But, I think it will be easier if you are the bigger, nicer person and just nicely tell her what Dizzy suggested.  Plus, you will be building up good karma - and she might just be shamed into acting properly   And, you can totally be smug and satisfied about it. 

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tara t


Marc Jacobs

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i would just say "i wish i could help you get that dress, but i don't work there anymore"


because then, you are trying to be nice and the bigger person, but are not saying that you should go out to dinner or make friends again.


lately, i have been a big fan of killing w/ kindness.


 



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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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tara t wrote:

lately, i have been a big fan of killing w/ kindness.
 


this is a great way to deal with annoyances like this. it puts you in the stronger position of being the more polite and adult person, and it also defuses some tension.

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shopgirl82


Chanel

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Posts: 3197
Date:
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so i e-mailed her just now....  "i'm sorry i can't help you out because i decided to stop working there.  have a great time at your event! " 


dizzy- she was being annoying and that i don't think she realized that, but M and T did say some hurtful things on that trip, as well as knowingly pissing me off by making it so my bf and i would have to go to different places for the massage(and losing the opportunity to spend the day together since we were at different ends of the city).  when i was reading your response, i wanted to come back with more examples, cuz i knew there was, i knew she wasn't just being annoying, but i couldn't think of any exact things that she said to me, thanks for making me realize that it must not have been THAT hurtful if i can't even remember specifics. 


 i think i will proceed with caution.  my bf left the trip not a fan of hers, so i wasn't the only reason he stopped wanting to go out with them, he needed a break too, because ALMOST everytime they said something, i would shut my mouth, and bitch to my bf later, so he left feeling upset about they way they treated me, and needing a break as well. 


oh well, we'll see what happens. 


 



__________________
"i tell you one lesson I learned If you want to be something in life, You ain't gonna get it unless, You give a little bit of sacrifice, Oohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry.." -The Roots
blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
Date:
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Ugh. How annoying. I'd be rude, frankly. I'd respond like: "I don't work at that store anymore. Sorry. Hope you find a dress for your event anyway."


I'm not actually sure why I'd be rude because I'm normally in favor of the "never be the one who was rude" approach but after reading your post, I was so annoyed at her I wanted to advise you to be rude. Isn't that weird? Okay maybe you could add an exclamation mark at the end of "Hope you find a dress for your event anyway!" That sounds more positive. Hmmm... I don't know...



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blubirde


Chanel

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Ha! I just saw your post and you emailed basically what I would have emailed! Funny.

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shopgirl82


Chanel

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blubirde wrote:

Ugh. How annoying. I'd be rude, frankly. I'd respond like: "I don't work at that store anymore. Sorry. Hope you find a dress for your event anyway." I'm not actually sure why I'd be rude because I'm normally in favor of the "never be the one who was rude" approach but after reading your post, I was so annoyed at her I wanted to advise you to be rude. Isn't that weird? Okay maybe you could add an exclamation mark at the end of "Hope you find a dress for your event anyway!" That sounds more positive. Hmmm... I don't know...

hahaha.  my bf was like wtf?  it's nice that the first time she contacts you after being a complete bitch is to ask you to buy her a dress with your discount!! 


he said my response was good, but that she has got some balls asking me that...


 



__________________
"i tell you one lesson I learned If you want to be something in life, You ain't gonna get it unless, You give a little bit of sacrifice, Oohh, sometimes before you smile you got to cry.." -The Roots
bex


Chanel

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Posts: 3194
Date:
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shopgirl82:  i swear we are universal twins somehow!  i am in the same type of situation with me being the youngest out of the group and everyone else is 30-35.  instead of discounts and deals, i get hit at for "not having kids and understanding what we're going through"  argh!!!!!


i think what you did was perfect!  it was short, sweet and the best part, you didn't have to lie on why you didn't want to help her! 



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