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Post Info TOPIC: how much to tell a SO about your past?
scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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how much to tell a SO about your past?
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I have a friend, B, who my boyfriend, D, doesn't really like. B (a guy) and I used to be close, and he was definitely my best guy friend for a time, but we don't talk nearly as often or see each other nearly as often as we used to. This is largely because I don't feel as close to him as I used to, and also just life changing and us going in different directions.

To provide some background: Over 6 years ago, I developed stronger feelings for B than friendship. I didn't tell B I had these feelings, but one night we were out together, had a few drinks, and he told me he was attracted to me. We spent the night together and things went pretty far, and afterwards I thought we were going to start dating, but he turned out to not be interested in that. I was really hurt, and he didn't do the best job of actually talking to me about it or handling it well, so our friendship definitely suffered as a result. I didn't like him as much as a person anymore, either.

However, I did get past it, B and I did eventually talk about it and he said he knew he should have handled the situation better. I no longer have any feelings for him at all besides friendship, and like I said, it's not as close of a friendship anymore. I'm in a serious relationship now with D and very much in love, and B had a long-term relationship with a girl who became one of my best friends. (And when they broke up, he treated her pretty badly and I distanced myself from him even more.)

Last night I was with my group of friends from college (B is one of those friends) and D was there. Afterwards, he told me again he doesn't really like B, he thinks B was making jokes at his expense, and he also thinks B likes me. I am afraid that D will sometime ask me if anything ever happened between us. I've reassured him B most definitely is not interested in me, and I'm absolutely not interested in him. We are part of the same group of friends from college so when those people get together, I see him, but it's not like I'm calling him up all the time to hang out. But if D does ask me that, should I tell him the truth? I think he would be really upset if he knew, but I also don't feel good about lying to him.

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lsubatgirl


Gucci

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I kinda feel that D wasn't part of your past and B isn't really a huge part of your present and nothing happened except that one night so I would just leave it how you left it.  Yall were friends in school but you don't hang out anymore unless its in a group and you definetly don't have feelings for him.  If it makes you feel better maybe you can say yall tried to go out once (don't give details) but in the end yall realized it didn't work out and you wanted to stay friends so you know he isn't interested in you.

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Eurodaisy


Dooney & Bourke

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lsubatgirl wrote:

If it makes you feel better maybe you can say yall tried to go out once (don't give details) but in the end yall realized it didn't work out and you wanted to stay friends so you know he isn't interested in you.

I think this is a good idea... "We went out over six years ago and it just didn't work out."  This downplays the whole affair, and let's you stay honest at the same time.  I generally believe that, if a particular issue is bothering an SO so badly that he feels like he just has to know something, most of the time it's just better to come out with the truth, so that everything is on the table and you both can deal with it and work through it together.  Sometimes people just can't handle certain things, and it's much more constructive to be open about it in the hopes that they will come around (assuming he asks about it at all)... and if they don't, well, it hurts but you can't change the past and this person apparently doesn't have enough trust or faith in the future.  Lying so that the other person won't freak just undermines a relationship.


Besides, what if you said "No, we never went out" or whatever, and then he found out later you did?  Then he would never believe you later when you say you're not attracted to him in that way anymore, no matter how true it was.


 



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scarlett


Marc Jacobs

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You both make great points -- thank you for the advice. I agree that lying undermines a relationship and I just don't want to do that. If it does come up, I'll say what you've suggested -- which is way better than what I was thinking of saying! This issue isn't one I'd thought about much, but it was on my mind this morning because of seeing B last night.

Thanks again, girls.

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