STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

des · Nine West

RE: Husband and I need

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Good luck. This must be hard. But you've already become someone who deserves someone as awesome as kaykay, so you can handle this too.

-- Edited by Dizzy at 04:56, 2006-01-06

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

Hermione wrote:

Des, this is exactly the information you need - if she was so homesick she couldn't even stay that last week, poor dear, then why are you trying to do this to her? I know you love her, but the greatest sacrifice and true love is to let her be with the home she knows and loves - it's kindof like the story in the bible about the two mothers who both claimed the same baby as their own. Do what's best for the child, not what you think is best for you. Be involved as much as possible, love her, tell her you love her - see her, visit her, call her, write her - but let her stay in her home.

I completely agree with this. It is clear to me the best thing for her is to stay where she is.

You are clearly not a selfish person, but it could be considered a selfish act if you take her away from her happiness.

I know you want the best for her and I think deep down you probabbly know what that is.

Good luck!

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

Des-

I think you need to talk to your daughter and explain the situation as best you can to a 7 year old. Hear what she has to say about her options, children are very honest and she will tell you what she wants.

Also, getting homesick and being depressed are two different things. She might get homesick in the beginning but she will get over that with time. She will learn to be happy with you if you ended up with custody of her. She already loves you and kaykay so it's not a matter of not wanting to be with you.

Is it possible for you to move near the grandparents so you can share custody?

small fry · Chanel

Well thank you from the botom of my heart for all your advice and listening. This is why I knew I could come to you ladies because you would be honest and plus you are a bunch of loving ladies yourselfs. Hermione thank you so much for your inputs it really touched my heart that you called your mom for her advice too this means alot to us. This has been a matter we have been going over for two years since des and I have married. I agreee with all of you even the ladies who say we should take custody of her, although I know it is best right now if she stays where she is.

Dizzy wrote : This must be hard. But you've already become someone who deserves someone as awesome as kaykay, so you can handle this too.

Thank you Dizzy this means so much me it made me cry a little. I love brandie with all my heart and I would do anything for her and her happiness is what is imporant.Des is not here so iam going to speak on his behalf nunzi182 yes des has talked to brandie and explained this to her in fact he did this back in aug. when he went to see her because she was asking questions such as "Why do I have two daddies?The grandparents tell her daddy is on phone when des calls and so she was a little confused.She also was asking why is she there and not living with des, so he explained all that to her. She seemed to understand it as best as she could. In fact when she was here for the Christmas hoildays she was l calling him daddy and we both refreshed her on the situation. She still refers to Grandpa as daddy so we do a little game and say "Wait Iam confused I thought daddy was here with you boy he sure did get to La fast" She laughs and says" I have two daddys my grandpa and daddy" In fact she even knows Iam her Stepmom but she does not call me Mom. This is still all new to her because when she was little and started calling grandpa daddy they never explained to her and showed her pictures of who daddy really is. We thought of moving closer to them as well but we did not want to move Chris to a new school and be away from my parents but of course this could change. Again hugs to all of you

-- Edited by kaykay at 12:23, 2006-01-06

blubirde · Chanel

I have two perspectives on this situation. First I want to say you, kaykay and des, are obviously really good people and wonderful parents. I have no doubt that whatever you decide to do will be the right thing.

My first experience: my cousin is my age and we practically grew up together, so he's more like my brother. He lived with my grandparents most of his life. If not in their house, then next door. My aunt, well, she didn't always have his best interest at heart and his father was not in the picture. Anyway, he never thought of our grandparents as his mom and dad. He knew who they were and why he was living with them. Maybe when he was younger it was different but as he got older, he felt like he was a cast-off and was living with his grandparents because his parents didn't want him enough. I think now he knows that it was the best situation and he's happy they were there for him but I know his family life was always a hard one, although he never talks about it.

My second experience: my borther is divorced and has two children from his first marriage and two children from his current marriage. The first kids' mother is remarried also and has two additional children from that marriage. What a brood! Anyway, the two boys (the first marriage kids) have gone back and forth between houses. At first, they lived with their mother. Then one of them lived with their father. Then both of them lived with their mother. Then both of them lived with their father. Now one of them lives with the father (my brother) and one lives with the mother. They're 15 & 16 so they decided the current situation for themselves. Honestly, I don't know what effect this will have on them. I know it hurts my brother deeply to have one or both of them living with their mother (for all kinds of reasons) but he doesn't let them know that. They seem fairly well adjusted, despite all the moving around. The good thing about my brother and his first wife is that they live in the same town, so if the kids want to spend time with either parent, they can, day or night. The one good thing (imo) is that the kids have homes wherever they go. They can go to their mom's, their dad's, their grandparents' (either set, including steps), their great-grandmother's, etc. and know that they are loved. I think that's the most important thing. Stability is important and I wish they had more of it throughout their lives but they are loved anywhere they go and I don't think they have any questions about that, which is most important.

I guess my point is that in the first situation (with my cousin), I don't think he ever felt he really belonged anywhere. I think he felt discarded or kept out of obligation (although that wasn't true). With my nephews, I hope they feel that they have all these choices and people that love them and anything they do is good. I think the difference is that everyone takes the time to make sure my newphews know how much love surrounds them, so they're okay but I'm not sure anyone did that with my cousin because his mom was such a trainwreck all the time. Everyone was so busy dealing with that that they forgot about his feelings. At least that's what I think. It's not a clinical diagnosis or anything.

Long stories made short: If you love them and make it a priority for them to know that, then they'll be okay, whatever decision you make.

For what it's worth, I think it'd be hard for Brandie to grow up without her sister when I would be willing to guess she relies on her a lot. I think an ideal situation would be if you all lived closer together so she could come see you on a regular basis (talking daily and weekly, not yearly). But I don't know if that's possible.