STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

small fry · Chanel

Husband and I need

Maddie · Coach

This is not something I've ever dealt with at all, but my feeling is that he should take her. Whatever inconveiences it causes for him to get custody of her will blow over. He is her father and it is his responsibility to care for her if he is able.

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

I agree with Maddie. As long as you and your husband are able to support and care for the child, then I think it is best for the child to be with her father. Over time she will understand what really went on and who really is her father. This is a serious matter and shouldn't be taken lightly; what I mean is, this is his child, you and he should not feel guilty or be afraid to make waves, you deserve her.

Hermione · Kate Spade

Actually, I feel completely differently about this - if she is in a loving situation right now with two people who care about her and who she believes to be her parents, or who have essentially been her parents for as long as she can remember, I think that would be the best situation for her. Your husband should attempt to be a part of her life as much as possible, but i think it would be traumatic to take her out of her current home and although he's doing it out of love, selfish for your husband to take her - i'm sorry, and i don't mean that to sound like an accusation, but i feel very strongly about these sorts of thigns - the child is in a happy home with two people that love her and have been raising her. unless any of that is in danger, why up-root her, as you said?

poptart · Coach

Well, first let me say that it's wonderful to hear the concern for her and for your husband in your post; they are both lucky to have such a caring stepmom and wife!

I don't really have any advice to give, b/c I'm not an expert in children's mental health or even a parent, but I did just do a quick google search for a mishmash of related words - "child custody fathers counseling" - and I came up with a ton of sites that appear to offer workshops and help for families and fathers trying to make similar decisions. Many of the services appeared to be free, too. If I were in this position, I think I would contact one of those organizations and talk with someone about what issues typically need to be considered, including how difficult it might be for her and for the two of you, and what the legal situation might entail. This might at least help make the decision-making process more manageable.

One of the websites I found that quite a bit of information was www.fathering.org - I think it is based in Austin, TX.

HTH, and good luck! Keep us posted.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

This sounds like a very complicated and difficult situation for you and your husband! But the little girl in question is lucky to have so many people concerned for her welfare.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that if you and your husband want to care for his daughter, then she should be with you. I definitely don't think it's wrong for him to want to care for her. It will most likely be a difficult transition for her to go from one home to another, but sooner or later she'll get older and be able to understand the situation better. And if she's allowed to stay with the grandparents, someday she will probably wonder why she's not with her biological father. Another issue to consider is the grandparents ages. I am assuming the people taking care of her are your husband's parents (and not your husband's grandparents)? If so, they may welcome the break from child-rearing at their ages.

I think Lisa had great ideas about looking into groups that specialize in this sort of situation, and you may also want to consult a lawyer who is experienced in this.

des · Nine West

hello ladies, first I want to say thank you for your responses. i am kay kays husband and it is my daughter we are talking about. This has been an issue for me to deal with for almost 5 years. The thought crosses my mind serveral times a day, every day, since i came back from Louisiana. This relationship and married should havew never happened, but a beautiful and wonderful thing come out of it, my daughter. she is my life. As my wife expressed she has been taking care of by her grandparents, my ex wifes dad and his wife. Theu wont let her see our daughter except at the house and only if she is straight. thats fine with me.

I wont get into all the drtails, but i ended up sick and had a near heart attack due to the stress and physical mental and pysocological pressure of the situation. Never, did I wont to just drop off my daughter on the grandparents, or anyone. But due to circumstances I couldnt control, it was the best for her to stay there. If I had brought her here and then got sick again or died from some complication, she would be shipped off again. It doesnt seem fair at times, but I have to deal with reality, not fantasy. I have a wonderful time with my daughter, and her sister. The sister was my ex wifes first daughter, the grandparents fought to get ccustody and did. I took her under my wing and treated her like she was my own and still do. I think of her as my daughter, not step daughter as I also do with kay kays son. There is no step in this household.

We just enjoyed a week with the girls here at our home, and it made my christmas complete. As usual, after taking them back and coming back home, I fell into a deep depression as I have everytime I do this. Kay kay senses this and it is hard onn her too. The girls feel in love with her in like 10 minutes the first time they met, and she adores the girls also. There is just so many pro and con issues involved here it is overwhelming. I want what is best for my daughter, selfousness aside. Thank you for reading and responding to this topic. Kaykay cherishes your opinions and I appreciate them also. Have a wonderful 2006.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

KayKay and Des-

I've read this post a few times today and I really feel for you and I can tell you really care about your daughter. I'm not sure what the right answer is here. I think Lisa had some good ideas that would be a good starting point - going to meetings/events.

Maybe you can start slowly with trying to have her living with you on a full time basis like having her stay for a month or two this summer and see how you adjust to her, how she adjusts to your family, and how the grandparents react to the situation.

Hermione · Kate Spade

Another factor I just thought of is that she wouldn't be living with her sister for this first time, right? Haven't they been living together since her birth?

How old is the child in question? is she old enough to talk to this about? maybe like catherine suggested, you could try having her stay for a month or two over the summer and see how everone feels about it

i just think as important as it is that some people consider it for children to be with their biological parents, that it is important for the child to not be disrupted and pulled away from the family they know, as long as it is a safe and loving environment. being separated from her sister could be bad for both children ...

Hermione · Kate Spade

I'm sorry to keep responding again and again here, but this situation (everyone involved, des, kaykay, and the girls) is weighing heavy on my heart. I called my mom to talk about it and read some of the posts and responses to her - when I got to this point:

des wrote:

As usual, after taking them back and coming back home, I fell into a deep depression as I have everytime I do this.

my mom pointed out that instead of des' depression, he would be trading it in for his daughter's - he gets depressed b/c he has to leave his daughter, but the roles would be reversed - she knows and loves her grandparents as if they were her true parents, and i think this would cause some severe emotional ramifications if she was removed from them and from her sister.

des · Nine West

My daughter and her sister have stayed with us over the summer in 2004. It was the plan for them to stay a month, but it ended up almost 3 weeks. She becam very homesick and was on the phone daily. We excepted this, and understood it also. She is 7 years old and in 1st grade. She has questions about how this happened and why she is not with me, but she is in complete confidence with her grandparents and her older sister. Yes she has been there with them since she was approxiamently 6 months old. she knows what we tell her, but at only 7 she cannot comprehend the depth of the situation, sometimes i dont think I do either.

Hermione · Kate Spade

Des, this is exactly the information you need - if she was so homesick she couldn't even stay that last week, poor dear, then why are you trying to do this to her? I know you love her, but the greatest sacrifice and true love is to let her be with the home she knows and loves -

it's kindof like the story in the bible about the two mothers who both claimed the same baby as their own. Do what's best for the child, not what you think is best for you. Be involved as much as possible, love her, tell her you love her - see her, visit her, call her, write her - but let her stay in her home.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i'm with hermione. it's des's daughter's happiness that matters most of all and if she's happy where she is then why mess with that? if she moved in w/ kaykay and des and kaykay's son (chris, right?), her whole world would be in upheaval and i don't really see how that would benefit her.

i say kaykay and des should just shower her with love and let her know how special she is to them and that way when she gets old enough to understand the whole situation the one thing she'll never doubt is how much kaykay and des love her.

also, thank you so much for confiding in us kaykay and des. we're with you.

bonnypearl · Nine West

All I can say about this lovable child is that she is very sweet and well behaved, and seems to be very much loved by her daddy and his wife, kaykay. I probably should say more on this, but it is so complex that it requires a lot of thought. I did meet this child and she is a living doll.

hello kittie · BCBG

i do have to say, that if child is happy and not being abused, then she should be left where she is. what will happen to her if you, kaykay are not around to care for her. adopted grandma doesnt wont to have anything to do with her, says she isn't yours. [ i agree with hermione. ] i have known about this before this was put on stylethread. as soon as i knew about this i thought about it, and thought to myself, leave her where she is. this would be very hard on her , to take her from the two people that she has known to be her parents. i know this is not what you won't to hear.but this is for all to read and to post your thoughts. you know me, i don't like to get in anyones business. so this is a touchie one for me. i know you are a loveing,careing man and wont the best for your children. i do think you should talk to someone that is more qualifyed in this matter. good luck on what ever happens.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I agree with Hermione too. Moving is a VERY big stress on a child - especially if she would have to change schools and leave her sister. That could really hurt her. I have good friends who think a move in junior high school changed their personality because of difficulties making friends at that age, and so on. I've heard the latest you should move a child is sixth grade, after that they should stay in one place until high school is over.

Honestly, being depressed by not being with her seems to be a price that you pay for being a parent - because her happiness always has to come first. You made a choice in her best intersts once, and although it's still hard, I think you should stay with that original decision.

As for the grandparents, they have rights too. They were there for your daughter when, quite frankly, your parents had a horrifying attitude. Which obviously you know. I'm just saying, that since her grandparents showed true love and generosity at a time when she was helpless and had no one, they do not deserve to lose her now.

Is it possible some of the depression is guilt that you couldn't be there for her once? And now you want to prove that you can? if that's so, making the loving decision to put her needs before your own could be the best way to be there for her now.

hello kittie · BCBG

yes, dizzy, you took the words right out of my mouth.

hello kittie · BCBG

you do say it well, esquiress. i agree

Hermione · Kate Spade

Dizzy wrote:

I. As for the grandparents, they have rights too. They were there for your daughter when, quite frankly, your parents had a horrifying attitude. Which obviously you know. I'm just saying, that since her grandparents showed true love and generosity at a time when she was helpless and had no one, they do not deserve to lose her now.

My mom also made the same point ... It will also hurt these people - who once made the decision to start over again by raising two little girls when theirs were grown - to have their new children or one of them ripped away from them.

des · Nine West

i am enjoying all of your opinions, thanks alot. Hermione and Dizzy, u responded about my parents having a horryfying attitude, my dad was not involed in this for personal reasons, his wife had just passed away from cancer and was dealing with this loss. My ex wifes grandparents lived right there. It was the sensible choice then. My ex was 14 when she had her first child, the sister. she was giving a choice to stay and raise her daughter or get out. obviously, she left, her infant girl nearly dead with pneumonia. I had a child on the way and took this girl under my wing on my own, I love her too as if she was mine, and she will tell you "Thats my daddy" she doesnt know who her real dad is except grandpa and now me. But the right choise was made at that time, and it probably is still the proper choice. I do love my daughter and the strp daughter and they return that love 10 fold, and verbally express that love for me and Kay kay. None of you have giving a wrong response or opinion. I do look at this in my daughter eyes and opinion, but until you actually live this experience and it is you that has to decide, well i think everone understands why we asked for some feedback. I am going through this as I did being abused as a chld. I survived that and I will survive this, with my daughter even if she is not with me in my home permently. thanks for your frank input. Im still looking for more respones from you all.