STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

2 questions

blubirde · Chanel

Well, I've done both of these (dated a man with children and dated a guy 10+ years older). As for the kids, it's a no-go for me. I thought maybe I could get past it but it's just too weird when every conversation involves "my boys" or whatever. Not to mention, like you said, the ex. All that said, obviously women and men do it and make it work, so it can be done. I think I'm just lucky I didn't fall for someone who had kids. If I had fallen in love with a guy with kids, I would have had to make it work, no other option. But, like I said, luckily that didn't happen.

As for the older thing, I think age is a state of mind. I'm not going to date someone who could be my father or anything but other than that, if they act young and look young, what difference does it make? I have one friend who is 13 years older than me (also, coincidentally the largest age distance I've ever dated) and he looks 10 years younger than his real age. He acts younger too, in a totally bad way but whatever. I don't think it'd be weird to date someone his age who looked and acted younger, like he does.

Unfortunately, the one guy I dated who was 39 while I was 26 just couldn't get his shit together in my mind. The beauty of an older guy, imo, is their stability and this guy was not together financially or emotionally. Made me wonder why he was 39 and never married, etc. So that one didn't work out, but it wasn't because of age.

I think I'm rambling but hopefully you get my point(s).

Bastet · Kate Spade

I don't think I could enter into a serious relationship with a man who had kids. I honestly don't think I could deal with the fact that his ex/baby mama would always be a part of our lives. Plus, I'm selfish in that I don't want to financially support someone else's children when I don't have any of my own. Also, I have very little experience w/ children, and I'd be worried that they would see me as the reason Dad and Mom don't get back together. I don't think I could marry a man with kids because if I decide to have kids, I want it to be a first for both myself and my husband. If he already has kids, I don't know if it would be the same for him. I would want my partner/husband to be in the same phase of life as me.

However, if I had kids from a previous relationship, I think I would have no problems entering into a relationship w/ a man who has kids, because we'd be in the same situation.

As for an age limit, it's gone up as I've gotten older. When I was in college I saw my limit as being 2-5 years. Now I probably would consider it to be 5-10 years. But, I married someone the same age as me, so I guess it doesn't matter what my limit is now.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I probably would avoid a guy with kids. They always have to be first (or he's not worth it) and relationships are hard enough already. But if someone seemed great and had it together and the kids were older and the mom was nice, maybe. I think there's a lot of maybes in there, though. That's the risk, usually situations like that involve kids hurting, at least one parent being immature and so on...

As for age, I tend to dislike people who date younger than themselves regularly. It's like they're seeking relationships with someone who will have a built-in disadvantage. But when it's mroe individual than a "type", when there's really a connection between the two of them, I think it's fine.

blink · Coach

I am married with one and another baby on the way, but I still have my thoughts on this.

No, if I suddenly became single next year....in general I would not, even with my two children, want to date a man who has children. I know it sounds hypocritical, but I feel like TWO exe's and custody shuffling plans on weekends and holidays is too much to deal with in a relationship. If I were still in my thirties, I would probably want to have children with the next man I might marry, so to have my kids from previous marriage would be enough to manage. I would be more likely to date a guy with kids if the relationship had ended against his will, like he had wanted to work on it, but she left him for another guy or something. And I would probably easily date a guy who maybe I had previously met years ago...if I reconnected with him and now he is divorced and has kids. And...of course, it depends on the guy! But my first instinct is to say, pass. And more than two kids....ahhh don't know about that!

I am thirty and I would like to stick with guys around my own age, five years up or so. I just don't really relate as well to the culture born before 1969. If I were interested in a longer interval at all, it would be a younger guy, I could possibly go 10 years down or more as I get older but he would have to be a really good catch and the real deal. I totally relate to Demi Moore.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

lorelei wrote:

I am married with one and another baby on the way

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Oh my gosh, lorelai this is the first I've heard of this!!! What wonderful news! How are you feeling? Are you well?

as for the two questions:

if he had kids, i'd fear baby's momma drama and just drama in general so i'd probably steer clear.

as for age, i'm more liberal but i concur w/ dizzy and i'd probably wonder about the motivations of a guy who always dated younger girls.

but then again love is weird so who knows?

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

After having hard and fast "dating" rules and breaking almost all of them, I think the best thing you can do in these kids and/or older man situations is to go into the thing with your eyes wide open, watching out for pitfalls, and not let your heart run away with you until you know that it's love.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

I've never dated someone with kids or someone who was 10 or more years older than me...the biggest age difference I had was someone who was 9 years older, and he turned out to be a freak, but not because of his age!

I will end up sounding really vague here, but for me it would have to depend on the situation. If the man in question had children, how did the relationship with the mother end? Are they on good terms now? What are the kids like and how does he get along with them? And if it's just an age difference, has he always been unmarried or if not, what happened? And most importantly, how do I click with this guy and is it worth the added trouble?

I do think if it's the right person it could work, even if he had kids or was 10 or more years older. There would definitely be added complications that a relationship without kids wouldn't have (obviously). I know someone who met a man and re-married after she was divorced with a little boy; he was about 2 or 3 when she met her second husband. Her first husband was a jerk and not a good father, and her son was just so happy to have a man around that he welcomed the second husband with open arms, and they've had a really happy family together.

laken1 · Hermes

Oh my goodness, don't get me started. Having married someone 16 years older than me with 2 kids, i say no, no, no, no, no. (hubby #1, now divorced)

If i tell my terrible experience to ANYONE married to someone with kids - i ALWAYS get the head nod - like it's the same story. I seriously could write about 3 pages on this subject, is there something specific you are wondering about?

More the kids issue than the age issue, although our age issue became much more glaring as we got older - me approaching 30, him pushing 50 (gulp).

After that I had a hard & fast rule about dating people with kids, because most of my adult relationships were wtih people with kids & here's why: even if you think you are just going to hang out, have fun, etc, you can't help but fall in love with someone or have serious feelings for them regardless of the kid issue. So if you decide up front not to even get involved it doesn't become an issue. If he was cool & nice & responsible, I couldn't help myself & it always always always was a mistake.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

Thank you ladies, for all your insight. Laken1, I definitely see your point...The reason I was even asking this question is because this one guy is fun, responsible, nice, caring, etc...So I'm sure I would fall for him, but I believe in the end the kids issue would be a huge problem for me. But I'm also finding that more and more of the men I meet already have children. What if one day I look around and find out my only options are men with children? Eek!

So since I'm going to stick to my rule, at least at this point in my life, should I tell him that the reason I won't date him is his child?

As for the age issue...My own parents are 12 years apart, and as far as I can tell that's never been one of the issues in their marriage. But 15 years is pretty big, and it means he's already 39/40. And even though I'm not sure that I want kids, I do want it to be an option. If I didn't want kids for sure, then I don't think I'd have much of a problem with that age difference.

Maddie · Coach

At my age I would defintely not get involved with a guy who had kids. I'm 19 and do not need to be in a stepmom role. If I was older I think I just might not be able to resist if I really liked the guy. However I can't imagine being attracted to someone who is a father. Unless I was a mother.

I'd be willing to date pretty old. I'm always attracted to older guys. Maybe 15 years older would be my limit. I'm rarely interested in guys my own age and could never date younger.