STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

RE: your mother/daughter relationship

lilyann · Dooney & Bourke

Dizzy- Please forgive me-sometimes words are insufficient to communicate what we wish to - and in the end , we see that in our overeagerness to help-we have made a whole lot of mess of things. God knows we share in this predicament...how can one we love so much cause such terrible pain? You, and only you, are the judge of what you can allow from her, and what you can forgive- no one else- surely, not me. Hugs to you this Christmas day, my thoughts are with you...

honey · Gucci

my mom and i get along pretty well. but i'm her only daughter and tend to be moody so we have rough spots, esp. b/c i think she's overprotective, but i know it comes from love.

atlgirl · Gucci

My mother and I have had our times...but mostly now things are good. Though I am 38 and it's been a long time coming...

My mom is the most, most, most practical of women. She's like a guy in that she's not really emotional about many things - my entire family is this way - and I've always felt like the odd girl out. If I went through a bad breakup, my mom's response was always something like, "Get over it already", instead of any kind of consoling or sympathy. And I am the creative child in a bunch of more left-brained folks, so they have always (mostly) tolerated, but not understood, me.

It wasn't until recently, through counseling, that I realized two things:

1. I never had a "safe" place or person as a child. I don't have any memories of Mom reading to me, sitting in her lap, her tending to scrapes and bruises...she often told me, "If you are going to play with the boys - I was very much a tomboy - you'll have to suck it up if you get banged up"...again, very practical, but hardly comforting. So I learned to be "safe" inside myself, and though people think I share a lot about myself with them - which I do - there is still a lot that I don't ever reveal.

2. I never had permission from my mom/ family to be "me" - emotional, impulsive, creative me. It was very much understood (though not discussed - we are the stereotypical "let's tiptoe around that elephant in the living room" family) that those characteristics would not be received too positively, so I learned to bury them when with my family. This is much easier for me now, but it was especially difficult through the teen years, when my emotions were much less stable than they are now.

On the positive side, if I have any kind of practical question, Mom is my go-to lady. She used to be a paralegal for many years, and she just *knows* stuff - all sorts of stuff that I have no clue about. She's our Answer Lady. And we have always, always bonded over shopping - window shopping, hard-core shopping, gift shopping for others...you name it, we have had some of our best times - and our best talks - while out meandering through the stores. I have many fond memories of that.

And since we've moved across the country, I think Mom and I appreciate each other even more. We've had some very frank discussions about things over the cell phones, and we've both really enjoyed that. It's a shame in some ways that it took nearly forty years for all this to happen, but I have no grudges or lingering resentment about how our relationship was in the "down" times. We can appreciate each other now, and she's one of my best friends. And I cherish that - perhaps because it was rather hard-earned for us.

-- Edited by atlgirl at 17:50, 2005-12-25

Maddie · Coach

atlgirl...my mom is the same way about kind of "suck it up and deal." I've seen her cry maybe three times in my life. I realize that there are a lot worse ways my family could be, but it's hard (for me at least) coming from that to make yourself vulnerable in relationships - even friend relationships.

atlgirl · Gucci

Yeah, maddie, it's been tough. And I didn't have a clue about how it was affecting me - affecting my relationship with my DH, who (bless him) wants to know more about my thoughts and feelings. It's hard for me to share, and now - after five years of marriage - I'm slowly learning to open up and allow him to know more. I never realized what a defense mechanism my holding it in and telling myself "you're strong, you can handle anything" has been. That's my defining mantra, and has helped me survive a lot of situations. But a lot of that has come from the...er, "drill sergeant" mentality with which I was raised. Poor Mom - I am wondering where that came from for her to be this way.

KE · Kenneth Cole

This is a great thread-because I am on both sides - I am a mother of a 13 year old daughter.

Both of my parents have passed on - my mom was difficult until she got sick-then she softened up and I felt so sorry for her incapacity. I know she loved me more than anything, but didn't show it very well. My daughter is my only child and she is the love of my life. Her dad and I have split up and her dad and stepmom are very hard on her-as a result I think pushing us closer. Plus I only have her half the week, so my time with her is very precious. My husband says I spoil her, because when she is with me, I am totally devoted to her. I would be curious to get her take on things especially as she gets older-and I am very conscious of letting her be her own person vs. controlling her. However I know that up to this point, I still have a lot of control in that she doesn't drive and I know what she's up to pretty much all the time. I probably err on the side of being too lenient to compensate for both her controlling dad and my controlling mom. But she is a doll and thus far has not had attitude. I try to talk to her pretty frankly, which may be too much for her-I don't know, and let her be frank with me. I am of course nervous about her being on the brink of a precarious age, and knowing what I did as a teen, but also I am anxious for her to grow up and get out from under her dad's/stepmom's thumb. I guess what I hear from everyone that's negative are controlling, selfish, hurtful moms. And because of my own experience with that - I want to make extra sure I don't do that to my daughter. I think that many moms pick way too much on their daughters-kinda the same as in marriage - husbands and wives pick on each other way too much. Moms need to realize what a precious gift they have in a daughter.

Deuce · Dooney & Bourke

I am going to try to describe the dynamic I have with my mama: She is beautiful, but doesnt know it, she has tons of energy, and she is very smart about common sense type stuff. I love my mama so much and I talk to her a couple times a week. Our relationship has really evolved since I moved out of the house. She can be very high maintenence, due to her childhood. I think she has always had low self esteem but at the same time is not a quiet reserved person. She says what she thinks, sometimes when she should not. I really feel like I have been the mother since the day I was born. I don't really talk to my mom about personal stuff untill I have already sorted it out on my own. I do not really see her as a comfort type of figure. Sometimes I feel bad because I want to strangle her: her guilt trips, and the way she judges her worth by how good she felt the gift you got her was (the thought that counts does not exist in her worls), or how she groups me in with my other siblings when talking to others.(whom she had terrible or no relationships with) Like the good relationship we have isnt worth talking about thus implying that I am a bad child like the other kids. At the same time she is wonderful, always trying to make sure that I know I am smart and beautiful..... I made a decision a long time ago, after not speaking to her for almost a year, that she is the mama I have and I love her no matter what. So I have to try really hard to over look the bad (which is happening less and less) and see the good (more common these days, yeah). I know this is super long but it is so hard to explain, and probably doesnt begin to tell the story. In short yeah my mom can sometimes drive me crazy, but we are alike in many ways and I love her.