STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

RE: Abused.. my story.. Poll inside!

theotherjess · Chanel

I just wanted to echo NCShopper's sentiments and say that although I have never seen/dealt with abuse on a first hand basis, I really appreciate that you ladies are strong enough to share your story. I never knew that abuse was so widespread but reading this thread has shown me that it can happen to anyone, anywhere and that it is not acceptable AT ALL. This thread has helped me to realize the signs of abuse and I just wanted to thank you guys for being able to speak out about it--that must be really hard.

luckylily · Gucci

Kiz wrote:

Dizzy wrote: Was anyone else afraid to share because you were worried people would still agree with him?

I was afraid to share because I thought people might think less of me - like I was stupid for "putting up with it." I know better, and I know a lot had to do with a fragile self-esteem, and that I "loved" him. but a lot of people don't understand how someone could allow themselves to be abused... I just didn't want to be judged.

That is the scary part. It is so easy for people to say they would never allow themselves to be put into that situation. What so many people don't truly understand is that abuse is tricky, slow, and subtle. It can happen so slowly you don't even know it, until one day you think "how the F did I get here?"

That was the case for me anyway. I entered a relationship when I was 18. At that time I was vibrant, outgoing and confident, I wasn't afraid to take on the world, I knew I could be or do anything I wanted. When the relationship ended four years later, I felt unattractive and unintelligent. I was shy and reserved. I had completely changed.

My bf was never physical. He was all about subtle digs that I didn't even notice. If I brought it up, I was just accused of being "too sensitive." Over time his comments about my hair or my weight or my views, along with his insistance on being right about everything, just wore me down to nothing.

I'm so proud of everyone here for sharing these stories. We have so many great, strong women on this board!

-- Edited by luckylily at 13:52, 2005-12-15

nicoley · Coach

luckylily wrote:

Kiz wrote: Dizzy wrote: Was anyone else afraid to share because you were worried people would still agree with him? I was afraid to share because I thought people might think less of me - like I was stupid for "putting up with it." I know better, and I know a lot had to do with a fragile self-esteem, and that I "loved" him. but a lot of people don't understand how someone could allow themselves to be abused... I just didn't want to be judged. That is the scary part. It is so easy for people to say they would never allow themselves to be put into that situation. What so many people don't truly understand is that abuse is tricky, slow, and subtle. It can happen so slowly you don't even know it, until one day you think "how the F did I get here?" That was the case for me anyway. I entered a relationship when I was 18. At that time I was vibrant, outgoing and confident, I wasn't afraid to take on the world, I knew I could be or do anything I wanted. When the relationship ended four years later, I felt unattractive and unintelligent. I was shy and reserved. I had completely changed. My bf was never physical. He was all about subtle digs that I didn't even notice. If I brought it up, I was just accused of being "too sensitive." Over time his comments about my hair or my weight or my views, along with his insistance on being right about everything, just wore me down to nothing. I'm so proud of everyone here for sharing these stories. We have so many great, strong women on this board!-- Edited by luckylily at 13:52, 2005-12-15

Luckylily.. What you wrote, completely describes what I have gone through as well! It is amazing how right on everything you said was! I am just now trying to overcome some of the changes that occurred due to my relationship.. and become more of the confident girl I used to be, as I have noticed after we broke up I became that shy reserverd girl you speak of. I pretty much hid myself from the world and felt like I wasn't good enough or deserving of anything worthwhile.

I heart stylethread and so glad everyone has shared their stories.. makes you realize you are not alone and everyone has gone through it... Also exciting to know that alot of you girls are now in a better place in your life now... and hope that one day i will be too :)

ayo · Coach

*sigh*...I don't know if I'm PMS'ing (probably shouldn't belittle my emotions) or if I'm just so touched by some of these stories..I'm actually tearing up. Believe me, that does not happen often. I'm a bit of a hard a$$.

Sadly, it's sort of comforting to know you are not alone.

Here is my story.

I met a guy when I was 19. I had pretty low esteem at the time and was really convinced I was hideous (eventhough I really wasn't). Anyway I met the guy, we started dating, he was 11 years older than me. I thought "oh cool a mature guy" yeah right. He was never physically abusive, but emotionally he was just awful. He would say things like I'll never amount to anything or that I'm fat etc. I lost 25 pounds in under 2 months just trying to measure up. My first sexual experience was with him. So naturally, I was emotionally tied to him.

I had a pretty good internship while in school, I worked part time (20 hours a week) and made close to 38k. Which for a college student is pretty good right? You'd never know it though, because every pay period he would be at my door asking for money. He would take all of it pretty much by the time he was done. I was basically supporting a man that was almost 30!!

I know this is going to sound mad ignorant in this next part, and it was, but I was young and stupid..but he pretend to have protect sex with me I didn't realize he would sometimes take off the condom (sorry if this is graphic ) In any case, I didn't really understand why for a while he would insult me saying I was infertile. Until one day that theory was proved wrong. I got pregnant, they were twins. I confronted him and he told what he had been doing. So now I feel like the ultimate idiot, he could have gotten me sick, because I also suspect he was cheating on me. He would disappear for DAYS and not tell me where he was. There was also a girl he would always hang out with in his house till late in the night. I would come by his house and knock and the door and there would be no answer. In any case I digress...

The pregnancy left me with a very tough decision, do I have the babies knowing that this man may never be there to support me? Not finish school? At this time I was in my junior year.

So I had an abortion, he didn't even take care of me during the whole ordeal. He was more concerned about me NOT having the babies.

At times I do have regrets about doing this, but I try not to lament over it. No one in my family knows, only my husband. It definitely left scars, for a while I became this really untrusting, self centered individual just because it was my way of healing. One thing that really helped me was my faith and that's why I'm so passionate about it today. After the abortion I did tried to commit suicide on several occasions. I was totally depressed. Believe it or not, we kept on dating.

Finally, I graduated, came back home, and the distance ended up being a good thing. A week after being home, it was like the smoke cleared. I called him and told him it was over and to leave me alone. We never spoke or saw each other after that.

It was a tough time in my life but I really thankful for it, I know it had a greater purpose, even if that purpose is just to teach me self love and worth. No one deserves to be treated less. Care enough about yourself to demand the respect and love due to you.

Maddie · Coach

I just want to thank you guys so much for sharing your stories. Although I'm sure this is something you probably have to learn for yourself, it's really helpful to hear how abusive relationships start and the little things that can be indicators. And it's amazing that so many of you have gone through this and come out so strong.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

everyone, i've literally been riveted by these stories. i knew you all were amazing, i knew you all were beautiful women but i just never knew how beautiful and how amazing. you literally take my breath away. the strength, courage and sheer generosity it must have taken to live and post all this is just extraordinary. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

as for me, i've never experienced abuse first-hand but i have observed it happen to close family members, both physical and mental. they are women of my mother's generation and so i had this conception that what happened to them could never happen to me, that in this day and age, and in this country, i grew up "knowing better" now i know that abuse is insidious, and can happen anytime, anywhere, and to anyone. thank you all so much. i feel like everyone that opened up and told their story really just enriched my life. i can't stop saying thank you. i love you all so much! more than i thought i could ever love people i've never even met! truly, i feel so blessed to know all of you.

Maddie · Coach

esquiress wrote:

they are women of my mother's generation and so i had this conception that what happened to them could never happen to me, that in this day and age, and in this country, i grew up "knowing better" now i know that abuse is insidious, and can happen anytime, anywhere, and to anyone. thank you all so much.

I agree with this too. I think it's easy to slip into the idea that people who have been abused are weak, but that's obviously not true.

Metric · Gucci

I am amazed by all of your stories- wow!

I don't know if this really counts but as a child I was abused by my alcoholic father. On numerous occasions he would hit me, he threw me across the yard, knocked me down a steep flight of stairs and knocked me out cold with a door- all while I was under the age of four. He also would leave me in the car or outside of a bar and then drive home wasted, with me in my car seat. I hardly remember any of it but I will always have the (physical) scars as a lasting reminder. What could a little girl have done to deserve such treatment I will never be able to figure out.

He finally left when I was 4, after embezzling a lot of money from the company he worked for and fled the country. He also used to smack my mom around (and bring home hookers during their marriage but thats another story...) but strangley not my brother. I think my mom used to feel a lot of guilt about exposing us to that but she has begun to let it go, we turned out just fine. He committed suicide 3 years ago and I think I have gotten over it. Dwelling on it serves no purpose to me and I don't need it. Also because it happened when I was so young its almost like it wasn't my real life but something I remember from an old movie or something.

esquiress · Chanel

esquiress wrote
i feel like everyone that opened up and told their story really just enriched my life. i can't stop saying thank you. i love you all so much! more than i thought i could ever love people i've never even met! truly, i feel so blessed to know all of you.

Thank you and I know I speak for all the ladies this means so much to me and the others- this made me cry.Hugs to you.

BrazenCanadian yes your counts just as much as ours in fact yours in my eyes is worse because you was child- damn what a ass hole hugs to you

and to all the ladies if I could reach out and hug you all I would

TheLovelyLady71 · Hermes

WOW - some of these stories are really DEEP, and all of you ladies are STRONG WOMEN for getting away from these men! I salute all of you for being so BRAVE. Yeah. That's a good word. Even tho' I myself, not that I can recall, or care to remember, have been in an abusive relationship (mental or physical), my heart goes out to all of you.

JackieO527 · Dooney & Bourke

I met my boyfriend at a gas station, (weird I know), he would always come out and pump my gas for me. One day I was at the beach and he just happened to be there, he also mysteriously lost his keys. This led to me driving him home, from that day we would spend every waking minute together. At first things were great, really great. Then one day we were hanging out with his friends and this rage of Jealousy came over him.

He yelled at me and called me all kinds of names, he then proceeded to accuse me of cheating on him with all of his friends. The verbal abuse grew stronger with time. I convinced myself that "I LOVED HIM". I couldn't leave him, I needed him. I thought he was the only person who would ever understand me. Boy was I wrong.

I got a call from him one night and he asked me to pick him up from a party. At this point in the relationship I wasn't allowed to go with him to parties, b/c I might embarrass him. I picked him up and he was high on something (what I don't know). I was driving home and he asked what I had been up to that night. I told him I was home watching movies, of course he didn't believe me. He grabbed my steering wheel and drove us off the road. He then pushed me out of the car and took off with MY CAR. He then decided that he would smash my car into a telephone pole so he would have to drive me everywhere and would know where I was at all times. I didn't have collision and at the time I couldn't afford another car. I made up a lie to protect him from my parents. I should have left him at that point but I COULDN'T. I was too scared.

Time continued on and one night he came home drunk with another girl. Of course I confronted him. That was a mistake. He for the first time punched me in the face. He then broke out the baseball bat and proceeded to beat me with it. He broke 5 ribs and cracked my knee cap. I left after that, but he threatened to kill me if I pressed charges. So of course being terrified and scared for my life I didn't press charges.

I left and never went back, but the abuse didn't stop there. He started stalking me...He followed me to a party, I wanted to leave but by the time I could leave, I couldn't. I was later told by police that I had been slipped drugs. When I woke up I was tied to 4 poles in the ground in the middle of a field and I was bleeding heavely all over my body. I later found out that not only him but 4 of his friends raped me (through their constant bragging), and then repeatedly beat me with a concrete block. I was found by a hiker a few hours later. I was very lucky the only thing broken was my hand and of course my spirit and my trust. I could have died from blood loss, but I was not ready to give up on life. I only needed stiches and a few pints of blood to regain conciousness. I pressed charges but he only got 3 months in jail and his friends went scott free (things money can buy) (And a mayor for a dad).

when he got out of jail he tracked me down and tried to run me over with his car. Lucky for me, a man in a truck saw him and slammed into his car and then let me get in his truck. He went to jail for 3 years and got out on good behavior. He has been out for almost 2 years now and I haven't seen him since. God help him the day I do.

I love life and I do not let him ruin my days. Life is too precious, and I have found someone who treats me like gold. I have regained my trust. I realized that some asshole can not ruin my spirit, b/c if I let him ruin my spirit and my love of life, he would win. And I deserve to win NOT HIM!!!

Kiz · Nine West

Jackie - I am so sorry you went through that. I am simply horrified by what he did to you, and angry that he received punishment not nearly commensurate to the crimes he committed.

I'm speechless beyond that - and just sick about what happened to you. I wish I could reach out and hug you. damn. I just want to cry.

I am also extremely impressed with your strength and resolve to overcome your experience. I am so glad you have found happiness.

luckylily · Gucci

Jackie - My chest feels tight and I was actually gasping for air as I read your story. That is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard. How someone can treat another human like that...I don't understand at all.

Big hugs to you. And, thank you for sharing.

small fry · Chanel

Jackie my heart is breaking, hugs to you and Iam glad you found the happiness and respect you deserve

hello kittie · BCBG

well I do have to say yes I have been abused alot as I was growing up ever since I was a child [young age] all the way untill 1975 This was not just one guy either all they wonted was what they could get out of me. It all stoped when I met and married the man I am with now it would take a life time to tell all that happend and dont wont to get started. To this day no one and I mean no one knows what all I went through because I have never talked about this to any one. Yes I know when ya talk about it it helps. [no thank you]there is some things i am sure I cant remeber sorta like peices of a puzzles[sorry for the mis spelling] I am just raveing mad at this point as I never knew what my daughter went through in her first marriage untill now. Why why did you stay?? I know you say you loved him or I believe he would feed you the guilt trip i am sure or say and cry I wont do this again and than yes they always do. I know I have been there believe you me if my husband, my dad, and I knew all the things that were going on I would of got you out and away from him and I would of made sure you didnt go back to be treated this way. My god i cry, and wish you would of told me. I know you didnt wont us to know [ your step dad and I would of protected you. ooooooooooh did he act like he didnt remeber the things he would do??? I wont to know this am soooo mad at ex son in law. damn him damn him

-- Edited by hello kittie at 23:57, 2005-12-15

-- Edited by hello kittie at 00:33, 2005-12-16

small fry · Chanel

Hello kittie(mom) Iam sorry that you are crying I did not say anything to you because I did not want you to be hurt and at the time I did not want anyone to know. I knew that I could have come to you and dad but I thought I could change him and I did not want you and dad to see the bad part. I always wanted him to be liked and accpected because he had a hard life so I was in some part trying to protect him. I dont know if this makes any sense but just know I love you and always have and this is in the past and we will be able to work through it in private . Also wanted to say that you can talk to me about your past abuse I know it is hard for you but Iam here for you and so are all of the other ladies on here they a great

-- Edited by kaykay at 08:27, 2005-12-16

-- Edited by kaykay at 09:47, 2005-12-16

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

Wow Jackie! I am so glad you are in a better place now.

I am thankful you are alive and happy and strong. Your story is amazing.

hello kittie · BCBG

kay kay[ my sweet daughter] I wish i could of been there to protect you from all this that happened to you. There was always something there, but I couldnt put my finger on my god how you must of been so scared and all alone. I love you and sooo happy you have found happiness and peace. Love you Mom

-- Edited by hello kittie at 10:47, 2005-12-16

blubirde · Chanel

Wow. I'm literally trying not to cry over here. People in my office are going to think something terrible is happening - this is two days in a row!! Little do they know it's something wonderful.

Jackie - your story left me breathless. I can't understand a person's ability to embody so much hate. I think you're amazing and so lucky that you can move on past that horrible experience. If I knew you IRL, I'd spend my time with you admiring you for your strength and courage.

Hello Kittie & Kaykay - seriously! Y'all are so sweet! Y'all are so lucky to have one another.

(((hugs - ST - hugs)))