STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

theotherjess · Chanel

RE: what do you and your SO argue about?

Andrea Julia · Coach

Hermione wrote:

i repeatedly asked a friend of mine to stop making cruel jokes about me being drunk on my myspace page - i don't

Ahh...MySpace comments...I have never had quite the issue you are having, but a lot of times people write things I don't want on my page: stupid stuff like "you're a slut" (as a joke from friends) or stuff relating to drinking or drugs. The way I think of it, MySpace is well-known and anyone can look at that page: family members, co-workers, my boss, someone I interview with. I think it is a pretty serious thing for someone to post unwanted things on there.

If he still hasn't stopped, you should set your comments so that you get to approve them before they post. Just don't approve the comments you don't like. Of course, he should just stop because you want him to, but if you keep denying his comments, he will eventually decide it is a waste of time.

That's so immature that he then asked you if you mentioned it to the other guy who said something about being drunk. There are definitely times when posting about drinking would be okay, like I would consider it okay if a friend was like "Let's go out drinking tonight," but if they said, "You were SO drunk last night. Do you even remember what happened?" it would be totally inappropriate.

Elle · Hermes

Detroit, I think you bring up an interesting point. Not saying that all young people in relationships encounter this, but men do mature more slowly than women right? This question was asked in joking earlier, but how old are we really? I'm 21 and FH is 22 - some remnants of boyhood immaturity possibly, and therefore, potentially something that will happen with less frequency as they get older?

As for Butthead, I honestly thought it was a kind of pet name Tara used for her BF so she wouldn't have use his name. Something that started when she posted about him when he ticked her off and then it just kind of stuck?

I know I don't represent my relationship very well here - it's usually when I have a problem or something, not when FH does something nice or everything is normal/good. I assumed it was that way for everyone ... .

NCshopper · Hermes

Hermoine--it sounds to me like that guy has no respect for you at all. For whatever reason, he just doesn't. He sounds incredibly immature, and you might want to just let that friendship go. It sounds silly, but if he isn't respecting your wishes on something you keep telling him is important, then he's not going to ever really respect your wishes.

Christine--I totally make the DH walk up stairs first now. I used to do it as a joke, but now it's just kind of a subconcious thing. Or I'll cover my butt with both hands if he ends up walking behind me. And as retribution for all the other times he's pinched my ass, I like to pinch his as he's walking up the stairs. Hee hee hee!

Detroit--I totally agree with you about the physical poking and whatnot. I think we all tend to get comfortable with our SO's, and it's easy to forget where the boundaries are, but I think in a healthy relationship, it shouldn't be too difficult to remind our partners that they've crossed the boundary. And a partner that's worth keeping around will stop when it's brought to their attention.

The phrase "I don't know how else to tell you to stop. I've asked you nicely three times now" works wonders for me. The silent treatment (again, begging the question, how old are we?) can work well too.

When I'm pissed I show some pretty obvious physical signs. I tend to tighten up my mouth and glare. The DH will say "Uh oh. Your mouth is small" when he knows he's in trouble. Which sucks because it always makes me laugh.

ETA: This is such an interesting thread. It started about what we bicker about and turned into boundaries and advice. Very interesting...

-- Edited by NCshopper at 18:22, 2005-12-12

-- Edited by NCshopper at 18:27, 2005-12-12

Hermes

Elle wrote:

Detroit, I think you bring up an interesting point. Not saying that all young people in relationships encounter this, but men do mature more slowly than women right? This question was asked in joking earlier, but how old are we really? I'm 21 and FH is 22 - some remnants of boyhood immaturity possibly, and therefore, potentially something that will happen with less frequency as they get older? As for Butthead, I honestly thought it was a kind of pet name Tara used for her BF so she wouldn't have use his name. Something that started when she posted about him when he ticked her off and then it just kind of stuck? I know I don't represent my relationship very well here - it's usually when I have a problem or something, not when FH does something nice or everything is normal/good. I assumed it was that way for everyone ... .

I honestly don't think it's a maturity issue. both of these guys I was with were insecure, and built themselves up mentally by bringing me down mentally. The first guy blamed everything on me - just because I existed on the planet, everything was my fault. The second guy not only pushed me around, but brought me down mentally as well - I was on eggshells all the time - he would tell me I was a fucking slut no one would ever want me if I left, etc. it perpetuated to the point that I felt I deserved the hell I was living for some reason or another... when you're brought down so much, you begin to believe it, and you put up with them because you "love" them.

I realize everyone's relationships are different, and what is acceptable to some people and works for them varies as well.

I carry baggage from both - anorexic tendencies from the first one (becuase I had to be thinner than his brother's asian model girlfriend (tough when your good german farming stock) and a shattered right hand and suicide attempt from being with the second one.

it took me many many years to understand I was continually attracted to the wrong guys, and to recognize what a healthy relationship is.

I am simply speaking from experience, and I know a lot of the stuff I say probably goes in one ear and out the other - because I know most people need to learn from experience. I learned from experience. I also know guys that are in their 50's and still treat women like this... it's an abusive nature - probably picked up from their fathers... it's just that I read this stuff and it's all such an alarming red flag for me, and it's hard for me to not chime in sometimes. it's also really tough to put my experiences out there sometimes - it's not stuff I'm proud of - it's just if there's anyway I can provide insight from my experiences, it may be of benefit... or not... just throwing it out there...

I'm also not saying everyone should dump their SO's if they display any of these tendencies - it's just that they should be recognized for what they are. things can grow to be better if both parties recognize ill treatment of each other and work on it.

your partner should build you up, not bring you down...

-- Edited by detroit at 19:10, 2005-12-12

lynnie · Chanel

you know- detroit- i've known a lot of "pokers". havn't dated one- but my sis and one of my ex-friends did. well- my sis ended up breaking up with the poker- he was a good guy but that really started annoying her to the point where it ruined their relationship (not just the poking, but the fact that he wouldn't stop doing something when she said stop- stupid shit like twisting her arm or something to annoy her)...and my "friend" ended up ditching us to be with her emotionally abusive bf. So...i think you're on to something with the poking.

laken1 · Hermes

detroit wrote:

it took me many many years to understand I was continually attracted to the wrong guys, and to recognize what a healthy relationship is.
I am simply speaking from experience, and I know a lot of the stuff I say probably goes in one ear and out the other - because I know most people need to learn from experience. I learned from experience. I also know guys that are in their 50's and still treat women like this... it's an abusive nature - probably picked up from their fathers... it's just that I read this stuff and it's all such an alarming red flag for me, and it's hard for me to not chime in sometimes. it's also really tough to put my experiences out there sometimes - it's not stuff I'm proud of - it's just if there's anyway I can provide insight from my experiences, it may be of benefit... or not... just throwing it out there...
I'm also not saying everyone should dump their SO's if they display any of these tendencies - it's just that they should be recognized for what they are. things can grow to be better if both parties recognize ill treatment of each other and work on it.
your partner should build you up, not bring you down...-- Edited by detroit at 19:10, 2005-12-12

Thanks for sharing - I know I love hearing your view point because you do seem so wise. It's just sad the ways that we become wise, though. It would be so much easier if we didn't have to learn on our own!

Hermes

lynnie wrote:

you know- detroit- i've known a lot of "pokers". havn't dated one- but my sis and one of my ex-friends did. well- my sis ended up breaking up with the poker- he was a good guy but that really started annoying her to the point where it ruined their relationship (not just the poking, but the fact that he wouldn't stop doing something when she said stop- stupid shit like twisting her arm or something to annoy her)...and my "friend" ended up ditching us to be with her emotionally abusive bf. So...i think you're on to something with the poking.

not only continually inflicting discomfort after they have been repeatedly asked to stop, but your ""friend" ended up ditching us to be with her emotionally abusive bf" is huge too - another symptom of abuse is controlling you, monitoring you, and limiting your time with other people. both of these guys made me feel really guilty for spending time with other people - that may what happened with her.

Maddie · Coach

laken1 wrote:

Thanks for sharing - I know I love hearing your view point because you do seem so wise. It's just sad the ways that we become wise, though. It would be so much easier if we didn't have to learn on our own!

I was just going to write pretty much exactly the same thing.

Elle · Hermes

Wow, Detroit. That is a seriously harsh dating-backstory. I didn't mean to push you to share more than you wanted, but I must say hearing your past experiences really helps (me, at least) in understanding where you were coming from. I totally see how & why you're seeing the poking/ass grabbing in a possibly-abusive light - I was seeing it as childish/immature because that's the only way I've ever actually experienced it before. An important perspective (yours) that we should all be aware of, really. And just to clarify, I didn't mean to express that I thought your experiences were with boys acting out of immaturity, which they obviously were not.

My boy acts out of immaturity. More than once, I've had to ask him to 'Just be normal!' so I could actually have a conversation with him. It's the unnerving, shut-the-f*ck-up silliness that just annoys the sh!t out of me. Occasionally it's fine, it's when they Just. Won't. Stop. that I can't handle it. Be a grown-up, please! Oh, and the farting noises. Ohhhhh the farting noises!

Hermes

elle - I think where you were going is do they outgrow it - my answer is no. it has nothing to do with maturity. if your guy is getting off on making you uncomfortable (whether it's continuing to poke you after you ask them to stop, or purposely embarrassing you in public), you may want to take it more seriously, that's all. it's symptomatic of something deeper. I wouldn't hold my breath in it going away as he ages though. but if your relationship is working for you, then it works for you - just tossing in my unsolicited input...

Elle · Hermes

Detroit - it's definitely something we're working on. I appreciate your perspective. Much of his unsavory behavior (including farting loudly, both actually and with his mouth) was learned from his (severely alcoholic, loose cannon) father growing up. It's something he acknowledges, which is good. But I really feel like saying 'You're acting like your father' is such a low blow - I'm not sure how to communicate the sentiment (and hence help the realization along) without fighting dirty like that though, and I really don't want to do that. He had positively awful relationship models growing up, so not only do we deal with regular relationship stuff, but also re-learning how to have a healthy relationship sans parental baggage and resulting bad habits.

Yeesh, sorry - didn't mean to be a huge downer .

Hermes

Elle wrote:

Yeesh, sorry - didn't mean to be a huge downer .

you the downer? uh - I'll accept that medal of honor today... I feel bad that I turned this thread this way. really glad to read what you posted though - that's really good that he recognized it. and you're right - you shouldn't do the low blow "like your father" jab either. you may want to tell him that he's reminding you of someone when he does that, and when he asks you who, you can ask him who do you think, and don't tell him, let him figure it out - just be calm and rational about it. I'm not positive that's the best advice, but it's what I would do. it's his choice to be the person he wants to be.

tara t · Marc Jacobs

okay. butthead is just a name that stuck. he really isn't a butthead, i just didn't want his name to appear here. i could say SO or BF, but i called him a butthead and it stuck.

he's a great guy that does silly things sometimes. he sometimes irks me, and i'm sure everyone else gets irked at times also. i have learned thru experience that you have to pick your battles. 2 nights ago, i picked the trash battle.

i have also learned thru experience that butthead will never be perfect. neither will i. butthead has a nightmare family and tries as hard as he can not to follow in their footsteps. i applaud him for that. 99% of his actions do not go unnoticed by me and i deal with them in a way that works for me. i just have to say, i love him more than i hate his wuss tendencies when it comes to his mother. i love him more than i hate when he doesn't take out the trash. i do put up with some things that are not my ideal situation but are not the worst. i would not put up with an abusive relationship, a cheater, liar, and many other things. but if all i have to be steamed at is him bending over backwards for his ungrateful mother and being slack with the trash, i think i'm doing well. those aren't big deals to me. they are not dealbreakers, just minor annoyances. the mom thing has potential to turn into an issue with me, but for now, i can deal with it since i am not part of his family.

i enjoyed reading this thread and learing that some other people have goofy relationship issues and reading other peoples stories.

i don't really have much else to say, so i'll end it here.

asf · Kate Spade

i'm interested in this poking theory. my bf does this to me. not as much as he used to (ALL the time), but it still goes on sometimes. he doesn't control me (i'm much too headstrong for that), i see my friends when i want to and do plenty of things without him. ...oh god do i sound defensive or am i just paranoid now that deep down he's really a big jerk?

and detroit, i'm sorry to hear about the horrible things you've gone through - you're one tough lady.

blubirde · Chanel

asf wrote:

and detroit, i'm sorry to hear about the horrible things you've gone through - you're one tough lady.

My sentiments exactly. Rock on detroit!