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nicoley


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The english boy... Final Update?
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So, for all of you who have been helping me deal with my old Boyfriend from England... Heres what ended up happening... if you forgot where I left off, check back with "Day 2 updated" post...


So, I continued to try and get ahold of him on the phone and through text, and he would not answer.  I thought this was so weird because just a day or so before that he was answering his phone and text messages.. hmm... I finally ended up seeing him on AOL, so i imed him, asked him to call, but he said he was on his way out the door with his friends, I said could you just please talk for a minute, and he was like no Im going to be leaving, so I was like OK, what is going on? And the general gist of the conversation online was, he said I didn't make a big fuss about him traveling from SC to Ohio to visit me, and it made him feel stupid, and he said if it would have been the other way around he would have made such a big deal, and then he said we got in an arguement, and that some things never change, because we always fight. Now, let me tell you that.. 1. I had told him how excited i was that he was visiting, even though i wasn't thrilled he would only be spending one day with me, i still tried to sound happy about the situation.. 2.  He said we got in an arguement over the phone, but i dont even remember that happening? 3.  What is the deal with him not taking a second to call and talk to me about this, again, his friends were more imporant, he had already spent 5 days with them and i havent seen him in 2 years!


So after that conversation, I was so frustrated, It seemed to me that he was trying to blame me for him not planning his trip correctly and not able to visit, and he was making me out in his mind to be this horrible person.  I then left an away message for him, and i recieved an IM the next day from him saying he tried looking for flights again but they were all too expensive and he already booked his flight back to england, and said he will be vising USA again for the alumni soccer game, at our college we graduated from, which is in SC where all his friends are, and that he promises to visit me then.  But to be honest, I dont even want him to visit me now, I think it says alot that he keeps planning trips to see his friends, and has not once planned a trip to specifically visit me, they are planned for his friends, and will just stop by and visit me while he is in the country, sort of thing.  Needless to say, I have not spoken to him, nor has he tried to contact me since that week he visited the USA.


Overall, I think that whole situation really showed me how he feels about me.  I was living in this idea that we were only not boyfriend/girlfriend because we were in seperate countries (that is what he constantly told me) but I now realize that is not the case, and will not allow myself to think that anymore.  I just have a hard time understanding, how someone can tell you all this time that I did so much for them and changed their life forever, and how they will always love me, but doesnt make any effort.  All talk, no action.  But I am over wanting him in my life, I now feel confident that he is NOT someone I want in my life.  But must admit, I am still hurt by what I have been through with him.  I think that is only natural though. 


So im thinking, if for some odd reason he does try contacting me.. what would you girls do/advice?  Im thinking just completely ignore anything and everything from him... is that the best thing to do, or is that immature? If the situation arises, Id like to handle it in a very classy and mature way.


Thanks again and in advance for all the help and advice you have given me, that has helped me get through that difficult time and situation.  My next advice I will need is how to meet some super cool guys!!!



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"Deep down you may still be that same great guy I used to know. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins
D


Hermes

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that sucks that he's been such a jerk to you. it sounds like he's projecting his jerkiness on you by trying to place fault/blame on you for what's happening.


I don't think it's immature for you to ignore him at all. you need to move on and focus on more positive things that add to your life vs. things that distract you and don't reward you for the time and energy you put toward them (him). if you respond to him, you are keeping a disfunctional/dead end relationship alive. sometimes it's better to just shut the door for a while, until you are able to stop thinking about him daily.  maybe a few years down the road, way after you are over him, you can touch base out of curiosity - by that time you may not feel that need at all.


I'm really proud of you for finding a way to view your situation objectively, and not hoping for him to become someone he will never be.  it's sad it turned out this way, but you have to do what's good for you - and what's good for you is cutting the ties and moving on and focusing on your future.


remember we are here for you - I know things are lonely for you right now - but feel free to lean on us when it gets tough - we are all your cheerleaders and confidants! 



-- Edited by detroit at 23:19, 2005-12-10

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NCshopper


Hermes

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I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted, especillay after all the time and effort you put into the relationship.  But good for you for seeing what's really going on.  I think you hit the nail on the head--you were thinking the reasons for your not being together had to do with distance, when they really had to do with not being the right people for each other.  Not an easy realization to make! 


I agree with detroit that there's nothing wrong with cutting off with someone, especially when that person is consistently letting you down.  I think you'll soon be feeling a whole lot better about your whole situation in general--now that you don't really think of yourself as being "attached" you can start putting yourself out there and meeting other people, which will make you feel less lonely AND it will take your mind off him, so it'll kill two birds with one stone.  I really think you'll be happier without him in your life.


And just to echo detroit, we're here for you if you need us!



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Eurodaisy


Dooney & Bourke

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Wow, I'm sorry for all of this.  No wonder you are hurt; I would be, too.


I'm with NCShopper and detroit... I think you've recognized what's really going on here.  It's kind of funny reading your descriptions of his rationalizations of why he can't come see you, because it follows a unique "guy" pattern perfectly.  (Note: Not all men are like this, but even the best of them sometimes revert to this sort of immature thinking.)  The pattern goes like this:  There's a problem in the relationship, you bring it out in the open for discussion, and instead of taking accountability and trying to work though it, he proclaims it to be all your fault and attempts to make you feel 10xs worse.  I guess it just goes to show that men are men no matter where they're from.


I agree with the others that cutting him off is probably the right thing to do.  From my experience, though, it's awfully difficult, so don't be too hard on yourself if you still end up drunk IMing him (or something) every once in a while.  The separation will happen naturally as you find interest in other things (or guys); you'll find yourself thinking about him less and less, until at some point you just don't talk anymore and you don't even miss it.  Give yourself some time, though... this is a pretty major disappointment that will take a while to adjust to. 



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Maddie


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I'm sorry that it ended up like this, I know you really wanted to like him. Maybe it's because I'm comparing you to my friends who are 20, but it sounds like you're dealing with this a lot better than most girls I know. It sounds like although it's going to be hard, you've realized and accepted what's happening and are ready to move on. Good luck!

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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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I bet in a few years he'll have matured enough to realize what a doink he's being now. But fortunately by then you will only remember him as someone you gave a chance, but he couldn't live up to it. I'm so sorry he wasn't worth your time. This type of guy hurts sooooo much! Wish I could take you to lunch or something - please try to be really nice to yourself...



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