STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Elle · Hermes

Yucky Friend Situation

bumblebee · Coach

Yikes. A good friend of mine was in a very similar situation, being the super-responsible one in a relationship with someone who refused to get a job, keep a job, etc. and was controlling of her.

Unfortunately, there is just not a lot that you can do except to keep showing up and being her friend and being there for her. I wouldn't offer financial assistance (although it doesn't sound liek she is asking) but I would just keep listening and trying not to judge. It's going to take her realizing that she is in an unhealthy relationship before she will change anything--if you try to offer your wisdom now, she is only going to think that you are being unsupportive because it's not something she can hear right now.

But it's really likely that it will turn around. My friend's situation resolved itself when she finally figured out that she deserved something so much better--she's now in love with a really great guy who treats her well.

NCshopper · Hermes

Oooh, that's tough. I agree that you should just be as supportive as possible (but not financially supportive at all), and try to keep your opinions about him to yourself. I've seen so many friendships go south because someone says something about the other's boyfriend and unless your friend is going to get herself seriously hurt, then I wouldn't say anything. She's got to be the one to figure out for herself that this is not the right guy for her.

It sucks being in your position because you feel like you should be doing something about it, but I really don't think there's much you can do.

laken1 · Hermes

I really hate to say this, but sometimes people have to get at their rock bottom to see their situation clearly. I agree with bumblebee not to offer financial assistance in any way to her.

Have you said these things to her? I know that it's really hard to say & really hard to hear, but not only is he not helping her, he is draining her. It's pitiful and wrong.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

From a past experience I have learned that there is not much you can do in this situation. I had a friend who was in the same situation as far as the SO's job thing went, but her real winner was also a total druggie. I tried to help her everytime she came crying about having no money, but having to bail him out, etc. Unfortunately, she never did wake up and she is still with him and he has never changed. It really changed our friendship and we don't really hang out alot now. He is always getting arrested and the cops have also staked the guy out before, so I really don't want to be involved with his crap. Sorry that I can't give you more positive help, but really the ball is in her court and until she makes up her mind to change, you can do nothing to help her. I really think some people love the drama, whether they will admit it or not.

Good luck with the situation though. I hope it works out. Just remember if she doesn't take your advice that you are a good friend for trying to help.

Elle · Hermes

Thanks girls, I really appreciate your thoughtful responses .

I've been saying the same things to myself in my head for months now, I guess I just needed some outside confirmation that I was doing the right thing by essentially doing nothing.

I've told her before when she was in a separate (unrelated) bad situation, that I loved her and I knew she was an intelligent person who had probably already judged herself enough and didn't need her best friend judging her, too, and that all she'd ever get from me was love and support.

She did ask for my opinion many months ago. I asked her straight out if she wanted to here what I really thought, because I didn't think she'd like it. She said she wanted my honest opinion. So I told her that I thought that she was young and life was full of possibilities for her and that it seemed like she had gotten comfortable and commited in a relationship that didn't necessarily deserve that much time and energy so she could take a break from dealing with personal/job issues. The fact that he was unemployed and a father with no plan or goals didn't make it look too good.

That's all the farther we ever got - he came into the room and she said very hurriedly that she had to go. She never asked my opinion again, but she wasn't mad at me. I think she knows that I'm right, she's just not ready to admit it to herself yet. He's serving as a comfortable relationship while she adjusts to her parents living a $3,000 plane ticket away.

Sigh. I'll just continue to cross my fingers and wait .

-- Edited by Elle at 19:54, 2005-12-07

Eurodaisy · Dooney & Bourke

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who's so compassionate and understanding, Elle!