STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

Please Help.... ASAP

Hermione · Kate Spade

ugh, what a jerk!!!

he's coming in from england and he has only found ONE DAY to be with you? that's completely ridiculous and he knows it. how does he think you are going to take that?

i don't know what he's doing here , and i'll be interested to see what the other girls will say, but i would just say that if he's only going to make the effort to spend a day with you (and it sounds like that might just be so he can get a ride to cincinatti) i would just say something like obviously he has alot of people to see and things to do and perhaps he can squeeze you in on his next trip, but you don't want to make his schedule tight on this one.

blow him off!

ugh!! guys!!

of course this is my juvenile reaction and i don't have the best track record.

i bet detroit will have something fabulously wise to say.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Maybe you've already done too much for this guy. And if seeing him depends on swallowing how you feel, what's the point?

nicoley · Coach

Thank you girls! I knew I could count on you to make me feel better, and make me realize that I am right. I was so upset before, but just reading your comments has made me feel alot better. Sometimes he makes me feel like I am the jerk. As some of the other people that read my posts before, For his birthday I sent him a ipod nano and a bunch of cds, and he called me telling me i was the only person to remember his bday! and this is the thanks i get! and to think.... before reading your replies I was going to call him and apologize, (for what I dont know ?)!!!

-- Edited by nicoley013 at 20:04, 2005-11-28

Andrea Julia · Coach

Dizzy wrote:

Maybe you've already done too much for this guy. And if seeing him depends on swallowing how you feel, what's the point?

I totally agree. You probably wouldn't have that great of a time if you are upset with him. Provided he has not already made his flight reservations, I would tell him something like what indiekitten said:

"obviously he has alot of people to see and things to do and perhaps he can squeeze you in on his next trip, but you don't want to make his schedule tight on this one."

Really, I think he should have called you before he even left England, not when he was already here. If I was going to visit another country (or even another state) and there was someone in the area I really wanted to see, I would let them know way in advance. Otherwise, I would be worried that they would make other plans and I would miss my short chance to see them when I'm in town. I don't think you owe it to him to make things really convenient for him by meeting up with him last minute and driving him to the airport. He didn't make things convenient for you by not letting you know he was coming.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

i think there's an imbalance in the relationship. like you give him more priority than he does you. not to say he doesn't care about you, because i'm sure he does, it just doesn't match up to how much you care about him. which doesn't necessarily make him a jerk or an a**hole or whatever, but it still just sucks so much.

what you have to decide now is if you can settle for what he is prepared to give without compromising your own identity. talk about a super-difficult decision.

if i were you, regardless of whether i saw him this time or not, i'd try to put my energy into other things/people/activities/whatever to take the edge off putting someone first who doesn't do the same for you.

also, please don't feel alone. we've all been there. you're a caring, giving human being and you really deserve someone who appreciates that and reciprocates fully. good luck, and know we are here for you no matter what.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

i don't know the history of your relationship with your ex, but it does sound to me like he's being very inconsiderate and also self-centered about this impromptu visit. he should have given you much more notice that he would be in the states and that he wanted to see you. it sounds like he expected you to drop everything for him. that must really be annoying for you!

like esquiress said, i am sure this guy does care about you. he wouldn't be asking to come see you if he didn't miss you and want to spend time with you. but i do think he's not putting in enough of an effort to be considerate. also, like i said i don't know your history with him, but it also seems hurtful to me that he's been telling you for a year that he still loves you but hasn't actually tried to *do* something about it. i feel annoyed on your behalf! you sound like you are nicer than anyone else in his life, what with being the only person who remembered his birthday, so you must be a very thoughtful and warm-hearted person. i know there are other guys out there who would be more appreciative!

NCshopper · Hermes

I think you have every right to be ticked off. I feel like you've really gone the extra mile for him and he hasn't reciprocated at all. And I find it very odd that he's had this trip planned to SC and didn't bother to tell you about it until after he was in the states.

I also find it odd that he has a flight out of Cinncinati and has no way of getting to the airport. Is he expecting you to drop what you're doing to get him to the airport even though he gave you no notice of his trip? That seems weird to me.

But maybe he planned on visiting you all along (thus why he's flying out of Cinncinati) and something came up or it wasn't as easy to get to you as he had planned. I don't know.

I'm probably no help at all. It does seem to me that the relationship isn't quite as balanced as it should be and that he has some 'splaining to do.

nicoley · Coach

Everything you girls have said, totally makes me feel so much better. How would you suggest I handle the situation? Should I call/text and ask him if he is coming or not, or B.. Just wait and see if he calls me....C call and tell him how im feeling? Im personally leaning towards not calling or anything, but I feel like he thinks that I don't want him to visit me, and I was acting like I didnt want him to come, but i know you guys see why I was acting like that.

I guess I just dont know what to do now. And I am sitting in my apt by myself, in a city where I know no one. So as you can imagine its pretty lonely... But at least I have my ST girls!! I dont know what I would do without you!!

Ritz · Dooney & Bourke

i don't know.. maybe this is why i have terrible luck with guys... but i would call him. and make sure he came to see me.

i recognize there is an imbalance, and i don't agree with that. but he is in from england and it's not like you'll get another chance to see him in the near future. at the very least, you could see him so you can tell him how you feel and how he hurts your feelings. maybe there is a reason he is acting the way he is, or maybe he really is just a jerk, but i don't think that is something that can be determined over the phone, especially after you have devoted so much time to him already.

just my two cents, take it for what it's worth.

Deuce · Dooney & Bourke

I totally know how it feels to care more about someone than they do about you. Yuck!! I just want you to know that you are not alone and I totally understand. From my experience the fact that he loves you but..... can be very encouraging as a woman, especially when you are lonely. But I have found that If he cared about you enough he would commit and make it work. Your situation sounds a bit like, yeah sure I care "but" not really enough to make you a priority, and that may never change, and you will be left spending way too much time caring about him and not enough on yourself. By the way didn't your send him some awesome presents recently, He must know how you feel.

If he already has plans to come I would let him but have a long talk. Do not have a fight, so not worth it. Just be matter of fact about your feelings. If he doesn't come cause you were not excited enough, boohoo you didn't put him on the pedistal as usual and he didnt like it. Now he knows how you feel, and let him know it.

Question: Where was the wedding? If it was in sc I may let it slide, but if he treveled there after the wedding no mercy.

I know it is hard (and this is long) but I promise you deserve for the man to be practically stalking you cause you are so great and he cannot get enough. big giant hugs to you

cc · Marc Jacobs

My boyfriend lives on another continent so I can relate to your situation. It's really frustrating to feel like you need to be fit into someone's busy schedule and to wonder how much of a priority you are to the person but to be fair to the visitor they often have a lot of things to worry about whether it be a wedding or work and a lot of people to please - family, friends, romantic partners, whatever - and no matter how they juggle things people are probably going to feel like they aren't getting a big enough piece of the pie.

I don't know what this boy's reasons are for only alloting one day to see you. He might feel like he needed more time in SC simply because he had more people to see there. It seems like he wants to see you or he would just go straight from SC to Cincy but maybe he feels like since you aren't still really dating that one day is enough and he's happy to have that time alone with you. Maybe he's afraid things will be weird between you guys and didn't want to devote most of his vacation to you in case things went poorly. Or as others have said he might just want to try to get a ride.

The main thing for you to decide is do you want to see him? If he were only in the country for one day or really only had one day free would you enjoy spending that time with him as friends? If you took out the element of disappointment associated with him splitting his trip up this way how would you feel about hanging out with him in a platonic way?

Personally I feel the same way as Ritz. I'm definitely a pushover with both friends and boyfriends and I can see why some would argue that you should pull back since it seems like you are putting more effort into things but if I were in your situation I would try to ignore the fact that I want to feel like more of a priority to him and would try to think of him as a good, old friend who wants to spend a day with me at the end of a busy trip and whom I may not see again for a long time. So I would try to put aside whatever thoughts I had about whether he's making me a priority or not and see if he still wants to spend the day with me and I would try to make the best of it. You haven't seen him in a year - you might realize that you don't feel the same way about him anymore, you might realize that he isn't worth all the fuss in which case you can just remain phone or email friends. Or the two of you might feel the same way you did over a year ago in which case it would be perfectly natural for you to explain at some point that you would like him to put more of an effort into making things work whether that means that he'll call more often or that he'll try to visit you again soon, etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

nicoley · Coach

FYI, he flew in to cincy, and then his friends picked him up to take him to kentucky where the wedding was, ie, 2 hours from columbus where Im at!! So basically, even if he comes on wednesday or thursday, that will mean he spent six days with his friends and one day with me! Me! the person who was there for him for the last three years and bent over backward for him, where were his friends?

Sorry if it sounds bitter, but I am just so upset right now, I actually feel sick to my stomach, and can't sleep, have to be up in 5 hours :(. I tried calling several times and left voice messages but no return call :(

-- Edited by nicoley013 at 00:36, 2005-11-29

Hermes

nicoley013 wrote:

FYI, he flew in to cincy, and then his friends picked him up to take him to kentucky where the wedding was, ie, 2 hours from columbus where Im at!! So basically, even if he comes on wednesday or thursday, that will mean he spent six days with his friends and one day with me! Me! the person who was there for him for the last three years and bent over backward for him, where were his friends? Sorry if it sounds bitter, but I am just so upset right now, I actually feel sick to my stomach, and can't sleep, have to be up in 5 hours :(. I tried calling several times and left voice messages but no return call :( -- Edited by nicoley013 at 00:36, 2005-11-29

What do you think all of this tells you? If spending time/responding to you/your calls was of value to him he would be spending time with you and responding to you/your calls. Personally, and because you are lonely, have him come up and visit and let him pay for your date. Don't give him a piece of ass either (that's one expensive booty call, but he may figure while he's here, why not...) Then after that, cut your losses. He is just stringing you along. I know it hurts, but for your own sanity and self-respect, move on. Just cut your losses and move on. Guaranteed, one day your pain will go away. I promise.

I have two stupidly simple sayings to share that have guided me a lot: "people do what they want to do" and "if you settle for less, you get less"

Alikat · Kate Spade

I'm sorry sweetie. Its so rough dealing with long-distance stuff.

I agree with the other girls - it doesn't sound like he's making enough of an effort to see you. I'd confront him on the issue, just to give him a chance to tell you his side of the story, and decide whether he's worth your time. Long-distance relationships are hard, and if both people don't contribute its not worth the heartache.

-- Edited by Alikat at 11:42, 2005-11-29

NCshopper · Hermes

detroit wrote:

nicoley013 wrote: FYI, he flew in to cincy, and then his friends picked him up to take him to kentucky where the wedding was, ie, 2 hours from columbus where Im at!! So basically, even if he comes on wednesday or thursday, that will mean he spent six days with his friends and one day with me! Me! the person who was there for him for the last three years and bent over backward for him, where were his friends? Sorry if it sounds bitter, but I am just so upset right now, I actually feel sick to my stomach, and can't sleep, have to be up in 5 hours :(. I tried calling several times and left voice messages but no return call :( -- Edited by nicoley013 at 00:36, 2005-11-29 What do you think all of this tells you? If spending time/responding to you/your calls was of value to him he would be spending time with you and responding to you/your calls. Personally, and because you are lonely, have him come up and visit and let him pay for your date. Don't give him a piece of ass either (that's one expensive booty call, but he may figure while he's here, why not...) Then after that, cut your losses. He is just stringing you along. I know it hurts, but for your own sanity and self-respect, move on. Just cut your losses and move on. Guaranteed, one day your pain will go away. I promise. I have two stupidly simple sayings to share that have guided me a lot: "people do what they want to do" and "if you settle for less, you get less"

I'm very much with detroit on this one, especially re: ass giving. It sounds like you've consistently gone above and beyond your duties as a friend and girlfriend and he's not reciprocating as he should.

I feel like if you haven't seen him in, what?, three years? that he'd be a bit more excited to see you and a bit more anxious to leave his friends (especially after 6 days) and hop on the first flight to see you. I don't think you deserve to be thought of as an afterthought to someone. I think you need someone that makes you a priority.

I'd cut your losses as detroit said, and start making yourself available to someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated.

blubirde · Chanel

NCshopper wrote:

detroit wrote: nicoley013 wrote: FYI, he flew in to cincy, and then his friends picked him up to take him to kentucky where the wedding was, ie, 2 hours from columbus where Im at!! So basically, even if he comes on wednesday or thursday, that will mean he spent six days with his friends and one day with me! Me! the person who was there for him for the last three years and bent over backward for him, where were his friends? Sorry if it sounds bitter, but I am just so upset right now, I actually feel sick to my stomach, and can't sleep, have to be up in 5 hours :(. I tried calling several times and left voice messages but no return call :( -- Edited by nicoley013 at 00:36, 2005-11-29 What do you think all of this tells you? If spending time/responding to you/your calls was of value to him he would be spending time with you and responding to you/your calls. Personally, and because you are lonely, have him come up and visit and let him pay for your date. Don't give him a piece of ass either (that's one expensive booty call, but he may figure while he's here, why not...) Then after that, cut your losses. He is just stringing you along. I know it hurts, but for your own sanity and self-respect, move on. Just cut your losses and move on. Guaranteed, one day your pain will go away. I promise. I have two stupidly simple sayings to share that have guided me a lot: "people do what they want to do" and "if you settle for less, you get less" I'm very much with detroit on this one, especially re: ass giving. It sounds like you've consistently gone above and beyond your duties as a friend and girlfriend and he's not reciprocating as he should. I feel like if you haven't seen him in, what?, three years? that he'd be a bit more excited to see you and a bit more anxious to leave his friends (especially after 6 days) and hop on the first flight to see you. I don't think you deserve to be thought of as an afterthought to someone. I think you need someone that makes you a priority. I'd cut your losses as detroit said, and start making yourself available to someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated.

I'm with detroit and NCShopper. I'd let him come down and visit but that would be that. If you feel the need to get your feelings off your chest, you can write him a letter/email/call him/whatever once he's home again. I wouldn't tell him how much everything is bothering you while he's here for two reasons: 1) it could potentially spoil the little bit of time he does have for you and who wants to spend it fighting and 2) it could potentially lead to making up which would be very bad considering the state of things.

Good luck and keep us updated!