STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Maddie · Coach

Help, my roommate's a psycho! UPDATED AGAIN...we talked

Hermes

RE: Help, my roommate's a psycho! (LOOOONG)

tara t · Marc Jacobs

geez. i think that this girl needs to see that email. it's perfect. but my concern is how long are you going to have to live with her?

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

detroit wrote:

I hate it when people try to make it ok for themselves to be an ass "because that's just the way I am" - that is such bullshit. You should ask her how that is working for her and if it gets her the results she wants. if the answer is yes, then discontinue exposure to her. if the answer is no, she needs to learn how to act differently.

OH MY GOD this is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. I cannot STAAAAAAND when people behave horribly and then say "oh that's just the way I am, I can't help it." It is the most selfish, self-centered, childish mindset IMAGINABLE and every time I hear it I just want to tell the person to grow the f*ck up. IS there any way you can move? You shouldn't have to put up with that anymore.

Maddie · Coach

detroit wrote:

You should ask her how that is working for her and if it gets her the results she wants. if the answer is yes, then discontinue exposure to her. if the answer is no, she needs to learn how to act differently.

This exact point came up a few times in our conversation last night. She just said she knew it didn't work, but she couldn't help it.

As far as moving goes, she mentioned it last night. I'm not going to move because I like our room and our house, but I think she might move out which would just be a perfect situation. I guess right now I feel like our relationship is already on the rocks. Sitting and taking her shit is no longer an option so I might as well send this email to make my position clear. The she can do what she wants.

NCshopper · Hermes

I think it's a great e-mail. If I were in your situation, I'd send something very similar. The only suggestion I have is that towards the end where you say this: "I’m willing to try to work this out, and I want to work this out. However a resolution at this point will not come in the form of any concessions on my end," I would add that you've valued her friendship and you're willing to do what it takes to make it work for you guys, but that she's going to have to work too. But, that depends if that's true for you. If you're not willing to try and make this work out, then I'd just leave it out.

Personally, she doesn't sound like she's very mature and it sounds like if you try to continue being her friend, the you'll keep running into this same problem in various forms.

Maddie · Coach

I think the adding the part about valuing her friendship is good. As hard it is for me to remember it right now, she is a lot of fun. And you're right, she's very immature. And a spoiled bitch.

tara t · Marc Jacobs

this is evil tara talking now..

if you would like to have the place to yourself, send the email and don't talk to her, and maybe she'll move out. until she grows up, i think this kind of thing will happen more. i wouldn't want to wait to see how long that takes.

actually, maybe you guys would be better friends if you didn't live together.

Maddie · Coach

Ok I sent this revised version...

Spoiled bitch,
After sleeping on it and rereading our discussion, here are my thoughts.
Throughout the course of our conversation, I felt like I attempted to talk
about what was going on and steer us towards a solution, while you responded
with sarcasm and inflammatory remarks. Upon offering up an apology and a
compromise from my end, you tell me that’s all very nice, but I’ll just have
deal with whatever you have in store for me. This conversation make me feel
that despite my best efforts, this situation is entirely in your hands; a
frustrating conclusion for me to come to. In the end I felt that you saw our
entire discussion as nothing more than another attempt for you get attention,
while I had hoped we were looking for a solution. I’m sorry that I have flaws
that set you off, but I’m not the only flawed person you’re going to encounter
in your life. So despite my actions having served as a catalyst for your
outbursts, I feel that they are one of many possible every day catalysts, thus
absolving me of any responsibility. By admitting that you react like this many
situations, I am lead to believe I’m not the causal factor. You claim to push
people to see how far you can go and still have them come back to you. You have
found my limit. The complete lack of respect you have shown is disturbing and
infuriating as it is something I have never experienced in my life. I would
never treat a person I cared about in any capacity the way you have treated me,
and it is coming to an abrupt end. Despite this, I have valued our friendship
and hope this can be resolved. I’m willing to try to work this out, and I want
to work this out. However a resolution at this point will not come in the form
of any concessions on my end.
Maddie

We'll see how it goes. I bet she writes back that she hates me and is moving out. In the words of Ross, "FINE BY ME!"

shopgirl82 · Chanel

maddie, i don't know what year you are in school, but i lived with four other girls and let's just say i am friends with one of them (one bailed on rent, one i wasn't friends with in the beginning, and one just pointed out every mistake i made, and then when she grew up, she made the same "mistakes" that she called me out on)...anyway, if you are not a senior...my advice (and i think it might work for you given your laid back nature) is to never again live with girls. hehehe. i find guys make much better roommates. contrary to much belief, guys are not too much messier than girls (if that's a concern). they may drink your beer, but they will usually always replace it. plus, they deal with things straight forward and not as passive aggressive as girls. these are complete generalizations, but after living three separate times with girls, and two separate times with guys, i know who i would rather live with.

sorry if this offends anyone...it's just my experience.

Hermione · Kate Spade

i second the living with guys thing. i know this doesn't help much in your current situation, maddie, but i have had terrible roommate situations and now is the best one i've ever been in (living w/ my brother and his best friend.)

Maddie · Coach

And she responds...

Maddie,
I'm pretty sure I did apologize last night, and if not, then I am sorry for
being irrational, etc. However, I hope you understand that this is a problem
that goes far beyond you and while I will try very hard not to be rude, I can't
promise that I won't. It's not like I'm planning out ways to upset you or
embarass you. Additionally, I think that it is completely unfair to absolve
yourself of any blame just because I get upset. While I realize that a lot of
the time I am wrong, sometimes I am right and I still don't think that you
treat me fairly either. Maybe if I were a different person it wouldn't bother
me, but it does. Other than that, I'm not sure what kind of a solution that you
are looking for. Also, I hope you understand that dissecting my personal
character is not particularly enjoyable and puts me in a very vulnerable
position. I feel like i'm some sort of babykiller or something. which makes it
difficult to talk about. If you have something constructive to offer, other
than its all my fault, then I would love to hear it.
Psycho Bitch
ps that was the most condescending email i have ever received in my life

Here’s what I’d like to write back…

Psycho bitch,
Here’s the thing. I’m not saying I’m perfect. What I’m saying is the fact that you lash out has nothing to do with me. If you dealt with frustration in a normal, rational way, I’d be much more likely to accept responsibility. However saying that I should take responsibility for you lashing out because I’m annoying is like saying the US should take responsibility for terrorist attacks because we have a porn industry. Ridiculous. There is nothing I could have done to deserve the way you have treated me. Your spoiled attitude that you can act however you want with out any consequences is sickening to me. I’m sorry that it’s not “enjoyable” for you to discuss your character. You know what’s not enjoyable for me? Being the scape goat for anything wrong with your life. Bottom line, I have no sympathy. I do have some constructive advice. Realize, that despite how things run in Londonderry, Vermont, you are not the princess of the world. Other people exist as something other than ways for you to validate yourself. Try treating us that way. It’s not my responsibility to fix your flaws, it’s yours. I’m just letting you know how they affect me and how the consequences of that are going to affect you.
Maddie
PS. You never apologized, only said "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I’m thinking I should tone it down. I’m going to wait til tomorrow to send anything. Basically this same thing happened to her with her roommate senior year of high school (she went to boarding school). That girl dealt with it in totally the wrong way, got into a screaming match with her, told her all her friends hated her, and then they didn’t talk again. This allowed my roommate to place the blame on the other girl and make her seem like the irrational one. I don’t want to make that same mistake.

-- Edited by Maddie at 19:54, 2005-11-21

Maddie · Coach

About the living with guys thing, my best guy friend and I really wanted to live together this year! I'm a huge slob so nothing like that would bother me. Unfortunately we have to live on campus sophomore year and have a roommate of the same sex. Anyway, my guy friend lives in the all male house this year and I've basically been living there. Sooo much more low key!

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

RE: Help, my roommate's a psycho! UPDATED...SHE WRITES BACK

NCshopper · Hermes

Hmmm...it sounds like you guys may not be able to see eye to eye on this issue. I thought your original e-mail to her was well-worded and I really would have hoped her reaction would have been a little bit more level-headed. But she doesn't sound like the most mature person ever, so I guess her response was to be expected.

I think you need to be the one that takes the high ground here. She's obviously not going to. So, I think you need to tone down the e-mail a bit. You don't want to end up regretting anything you said and if this friendship goes down the toilet, let it be her fault, not yours.

Here's your e-mail with some thoughts that I included in bold. (Hope you don't mind)

Psycho bitch,
Here’s the thing. I’m not saying I’m perfect. What I’m saying is the fact that you lash out has nothing to do with me. If you dealt with frustration in a normal, rational way, I’d be much more likely to accept responsibility. However saying that I should take responsibility for you lashing out because I’m annoying is like saying the US should take responsibility for terrorist attacks because we have a porn industry. I'd just say it's unfair. Ridiculous. There is nothing I could have done to deserve the way you have treated me. Your spoiled attitude that you can act however you want with out any consequences is sickening to me. This is a little harsh IMHO. I'd say something along the lines of "The fact that you're unwilling to take responsibility for your actions concerns me a great deal. I'm happy to try to work on our friendship, and I fully acknowledge that I have my own faults, but in order for this to work, you're going to have to take your share of responsibility as well." I’m sorry that it’s not “enjoyable” for you to discuss your character. You know what’s not enjoyable for me? Being the scape goat for anything wrong with your life. Bottom line, I have no sympathy. I do have some constructive advice. Realize, that despite how things run in Londonderry, Vermont, you are not the princess of the world. This is pretty harsh too. I'd try to come up with a concrete example like "Yesterday when you said X, it made me feel Y." Or "When you say things like X to me it makes me feel Y." Other people exist as something other than ways for you to validate yourself. Try treating us that way. It’s not my responsibility to fix your flaws, it’s yours. I’m just letting you know how they affect me and how the consequences of that are going to affect you.
Maddie
PS. You never apologized, only said "I'm sorry you feel that way." I'd let this go, personally. It sounds like she apologized as much as she's going to in her last e-mail, and I don't think it serves much of a purpose unless you just really want to be right about it, which I don't think is that big of a deal.

I hope some of my suggestions made some sense. Truthfully, I'm not sure if this friendship can be saved. I'm usually more optimistic about things, but she honestly doesn't sound like she's worth it. But maybe she is--I don't know. She sounds awfully stubborn and unwilling to listen to you, but perfectly at ease criticizing you, so it sounds like if your friendship is to continue, it might be an uphill battle.

Maddie · Coach

beachgirl, I totally agree that she has emotional problems. However, that's the last thing I would want to tell her for purely selfish reasons. She would love the drama it implied as it's what she lives for. It would be like if someone told me I was smart and pretty.

NCshopper, thanks for your suggestions, I totally agree with them. I would never send that email and will probably make almost exactly the changes you wrote.

Thanks everyone for your support. But does anyone think I'm in the wrong in this? Should I be doing something differently? Please let me know, I'm totally open to it.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

to be honest i just think you need to disengage. stop having discussions via instant messenger, stop emailing her, just stop communicating unless you have to. to a certain extent, you've already gotten the ball rolling with the first email but i just feel like this discussion could go on forever and yield very unsatisfactory results. i know it's hard since you live with her but why does living with her mean having AIM discussions or anything else? being roomates can just be that--roommates. not friends, not enemies. just roomates. so let the crazy b*tch think whatever she wants about you, we all know she's crazy anyway just don't let her drive you crazy.

.

Maddie · Coach

I would love to just disengage, and I totally see what you're talking about. Right now I want nothing more than to just get her out of my life. I don't even care about proving that I'm right. But despite my fantasies, she's going to be around. Unfortunately, prior to this we were also pretty much best friends. She can be really fun and we have a lot in common, but the costs of the relationship have begun to outweigh the benefits. So because of this, it would be hard, if not impossible to move to a strictly roommate situation. And also because she's insane. Part of the reason I'm waiting to send an email is because I want one that works towards a solution, not one that just perpetuates my argument. At this point I've basically decided to write an email that says, "I'm done debating this. For better or for worse, here's my position on the issue and here's what it means to you..." I haven't entirely worked out my opinion or how it's going to manifest itself so I'll have to think about it.

-- Edited by Maddie at 04:02, 2005-11-22

lynnie · Chanel

haven't read the emails in entirety- but did you really write Spoiled and Psycho bitch and send those??? Or was that just for your eyes only? IMHO, thats not cool, regardless of whether its true or not. She WAS once a friend, and i think thats disrespectful- even if she is disrespectful or totally deserves it. Plus she lives with you. Anywhoo, i usually tread on the pacifist side, so i probably wouldn't say anything that would provoke/upset someone to the point where nothing would be solved.

Maddie · Coach

I defintely did not send those with "spoiled/psycho bitch" on them. It was just what came to mind to replace her name with. Although I wouldn't say I necessarily err on the pacifist side, I do err on the calm and controlled side. I would never send an email with that on it, and would also never even send the second email I wrote as it's too inflammatory and doesn't work towards a solution. But if you think it's offensive for me to even think/write it, well I obviously did that and it's not really something I have any ethical qualms about.

-- Edited by Maddie at 12:36, 2005-11-22