STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Karina · Chanel

Freaking out....

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Do you not want to go to counseling? I bet it could help you sort some of these feelings out, even if you just go on your own. What does your gut say? Is it a case of "We've gone this far and put so much work into it that it wouldn't make sense to get out now..." OR "He is clearly the one for me but he seems to be having doubts about me so I should fix it fast...." OR "I am so stressed that sometimes I hate him because he's there even though I love him underneath it all..."

Did any of the above ring true or is it something else? When I have something like this, it sometimes helps to do something fun for myself and not think about it, and then the answer will just pop into my head suddenly... It's weird. It's like I have to relax enough to be able to hear my gut...

Good luck, it sounds like you're under a LOT of stress, and with a new baby on top of it all.. wow. that's so much!

Karina · Chanel

Honestly.. my gut is telling me "I love him so much, and I'm scared we're going to split up" ... I think it would be good for us to go to counseling, but I don't want to go ... I don't know why.

Hermes

first, I want to say I'm so glad you are taking this so seriously - a lot of people get married since they've gone so far down that path and don't want to end things because they will be embarrassed.

I think counseling is a good idea.

Also, do remember, that "losing the spark" happens to everyone - lust only lasts so long...

if you can't imagine your life without him, find a way to spend it with him. that's what's marriage is all about - you will always have to work at it together and grow together to make it last.

-- Edited by detroit at 14:09, 2005-11-15

Karina · Chanel

detroit wrote:

if you can't imagine your life without him, find a way to spend it with him. that's what's marriage is all about - you will always have to work at it together and grow together to make it last.

I absolutely cannot imagine life without him... but what can I do to turn this around? We do have date nights with each other, so it's not like we aren't getting enough "alone time"... maybe our lives are too stressful to really pay attention to our relationship.

Hermes

it could be a matter of being better communicators with each other - a counselor would be able to help you with that.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I know exactly how you feel and it's the worst feeling in the world... I'm so sorry. Ok, look, this is what I wish someone had told me when I was in your position: just sit tight. Do not take any action when you're stressed. Look to yourself and let him be responsible for his own choices. Picture yourself at your classiest, and try to live up to that every day. Let him do what he's goign to do. It doesn't have to be fixed. You don't have to fix it. You can't fix it anyway. You can only be the best self you can be, and take care of yourself.

This is so cheesy, but there was this line on Laguna Beach that I loved. When LC was freaking out b/c Jason cheated on her, Deiter gave her a hug and told her "Just hold it. Hold it. Just hold it. Got it?" It was great. She held herself together and was so classy. And Jason came crawling back... That's the sort of thing I'm thinking. Just hold yourself together and let him take responsibility for being dumb enough to let go. (If that's what he wants - if he suggested counseling, he might be as freaked out as you are at the thought of losing what you have).

Good luck sweetie, this must be so hard!

-- Edited by Dizzy at 14:28, 2005-11-15

Elle · Hermes

FH and I do this too sometimes. I would also recommend counseling - they can teach you how to 'fight' productively, so that you are able to express your own feelings clearly as well as really hear what your spouse is saying. It would be good to have an impartial person there to be able to mediate for you and help you figure out what exactly is going on.

Good luck, Karina!

(((((hugs)))))

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

Karina wrote:

Honestly.. my gut is telling me "I love him so much, and I'm scared we're going to split up" ... I think it would be good for us to go to counseling, but I don't want to go ... I don't know why.

Hey sweetheart. First of all, (((extra-tight big hug))) to you--we are here for you, don't ever forget that, ok?

Anyway, this is just a hunch and I could be way off base but do you think you might be afraid of going to counseling because you're afraid of what the counselor will say and that he/she might bring up something that you guys ultimately split up over? Am I close? Is this your greatest fear regarding counseling?

Because here's the thing, I don't think counseling's a cure-all, you both have to WORK at it, you know? And there's also a lot of trust involved, you have to trust some third party who doesn't know anything about you guys with all the details of your relationship. That's major. I do think counseling is 100% a good idea though, because obviously something's not right with the status quo.

Also, as for the nasty fights--a friend once said about a couple we knew who'd been together a long time but sometimes had extremely nasty fights, "they've lost respect for each other, they still love each other but you know that politeness and that restraint you usually have for someone when you first get into a relationship? they've lost that." It's hard because there has to be a balance between telling someone your feelings versus saying things that hit way below the belt. And usually, when you've pent up stuff for a long time, the balance is lost. But there's no reason you can't find that balance again.

Accepting there's a problem is the first and hardest step and you've already done that so the rest will be easier, and I have total faith that you can do it. Fight for it, Karina. This is your life and his life and your kids' lives we're talking about. Do whatever it takes to really make this right.

xoxoxoxoxo

Collette · Chanel

I really feel for you Karina. When DH and I were planning the wedding we would have some ridicuous fights over the dumbest stuff and typically it wasn't even what I was angry at. It was the big picture and it was easier to fight over little things then deal with the bigger issues. I'm thinking you're avoiding counseling for that exact reason. You think if you ignore it it'll go away. At least that's what I did. Long story short, we did go to counseling. Both together and on our own and it's really helped us learn to communicate better. You sound like you really love him and want it to work. Try counseling, it could only help. Good luck! I'm rooting for you!!

jj · Kate Spade

LMonet wrote:

FH and I do this too sometimes. I would also recommend counseling - they can teach you how to 'fight' productively, so that you are able to express your own feelings clearly as well as really hear what your spouse is saying. It would be good to have an impartial person there to be able to mediate for you and help you figure out what exactly is going on. Good luck, Karina! (((((hugs)))))

This is so true and why counselors/therapists are so wonderful! I think there is an unfair stigma attached to seeing a therapist, especially when you're engaged (you're supposed to be blissfully happy, right?), but really it's such a wonderful, productive thing to do.

My hubby and I fall into the EXACT same pattern when we argue - a counselor immediately helped us identify the pattern, understand why it happens and learn how to move on. Now, when we "argue" I shout out PATTERN PATTERN and we just fall apart laughing.

I recommend seeing someone - you guys totally deserve happiness, and that's what this could bring you.

Karina · Chanel

I am looking at my doctor directory under my insurance plan, and I don't see any that are close to my area... can we see a regular psychologist?

ETA - thank you all so much for your kind thoughts.

-- Edited by Karina at 15:53, 2005-11-15

NCshopper · Hermes

I don't really have too much to add because all of the other girls have said it so well. But, I think counseling may help you be a better (ie more productive) fighter. You say that when you fight you bring up things from the past that are unresolved and still bug you. A good counselor should be able to help you resolve those things and help teach you how to have arguments and respectfully disagree with each other without delving into the past and arguing about things that aren't relevant, and thus help you resolve your arguments a bit better.

jj · Kate Spade

Karina wrote:

I am looking at my doctor directory under my insurance plan, and I don't see any that are close to my area... can we see a regular psychologist? ETA - thank you all so much for your kind thoughts.-- Edited by Karina at 15:53, 2005-11-15

Yep, you can see a psychologist or licensed therapist. I would not see a psychiatrist, because they usually focus on mental health issues.

blubirde · Chanel

jj wrote:

Karina wrote: I am looking at my doctor directory under my insurance plan, and I don't see any that are close to my area... can we see a regular psychologist? ETA - thank you all so much for your kind thoughts.-- Edited by Karina at 15:53, 2005-11-15 Yep, you can see a psychologist or licensed therapist. I would not see a psychiatrist, because they usually focus on mental health issues.

I agree about the psychiatrist part - they'll focus more on the medicinal side instead of the therapy side.

I also don't have a lot to add because everyone's already said everything so wonderfully. But I am a BIG supporter of counseling. I think every couple should go to counseling before they get married. It's not because something's "wrong" with them or they need to be "fixed." It's because marriage is huge and important and it's worth the extra work. The more you know about yourself and your partner, the better off you are at having a successful future.

You can do it karina. I think every couple goes through low points. It happens. The thing that makes a relationship last is fighting past those low points and not letting them consume you. (((hugs))) and good luck. I know y'all will work it out.

poptart · Coach

I completely agree with Detroit and the other girls, so I don't have anything to add, just wanted to say good luck, keep us posted, and we're here for 'ya!

kenzie · Chanel

detroit wrote:

first, I want to say I'm so glad you are taking this so seriously - a lot of people get married since they've gone so far down that path and don't want to end things because they will be embarrassed. I think counseling is a good idea. Also, do remember, that "losing the spark" happens to everyone - lust only lasts so long... if you can't imagine your life without him, find a way to spend it with him. that's what's marriage is all about - you will always have to work at it together and grow together to make it last. -- Edited by detroit at 14:09, 2005-11-15

I couldn't have said it better. Spark fades, but that doesn't mean that you aren't right for each other and that you don't love each other.

Tati · Chanel

the great thing is that he wants to go to counsuling and that shows how much he loves you and dosn't want to lose you and work things out.

my husband and i had A LOT of issues when we first got married, I was 18 he was 19 AND i was pregnant! its a long story (if you want to know more info. pm girl) but i seriously thought we werent going to make it. like i said, long story, but to make it short, we had counseling (religious) and i have to say that thats what saved our marriage. i heard things i didn't care to hear about myself and had to change in some ways and so did he. it was hard but we learned so much about each other.

now weve been married for 10 years and hes my best friend. he still gets on my nerves and sometimes we get into big arguements but we grow from that and i think sometimes you just need to get upset with each other to learn and grow from it. noones perfect and you guys are going through a lot with planning a wedding and just having a new born too!

hang in there girl, from what i see you guys really love each other so work hard to work things out, marriage and relationships are not easy. we are here for you!

atlgirl · Gucci

I agree about the counseling. It's not always easy but it can be *so* rewarding. DH and I just started after 5 years of marriage (and 2005 has been a toughie) and I am encouraged for us to go back - even at the first session, she had some solid suggestions and some insights for us. She helped us see some areas where each of us wasn't taking on our responsibility for something, and it was an eye-opener.

We haven't had a situation come up yet where we've had to put her suggestions into play but what she said has really struck me. And my DH is totally willing to go, which is kind of rare. I'm glad your fiance is open to counseling, and hope you'll consider it as well.

I know a woman who's been married 25 years, and she said that counseling has saved their marriage countless times. She said they'd go about every 3-5 years, just to get themselves back on track with each other. I don't think everyone will have to go that often, but just having a neutral third party to talk with can work wonders.

I can't imagine life without my DH either - when we have really bad fights, I'm miserable because I still love him and would rather be with him than without, but I don't want us to be so angry/frustrated/hurtful to each other. That's my goal for the counseling - to get us to where we can be happy together (more often!) again.

I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing with us. *hugs*

Bastet · Kate Spade

My husband and I didn't really fight a lot until wedding planning began. Then we had some very nasty fights. We thought about it and realized that we were taking our stress out on each other. Our moms didn't get along, and we took that out on each other, too. Is this what's happening with you and your FH? It's so easy to lash out at someone when you're stressed, and your SO will always be your easiest target and you'll always be his.

If you think that counselling will help, by all means go. A trained professional would be able to see things that you guys might not notice. I do think that the pre-wedding nastiness is a lot more common than people let on. There are so many people invested in the planning of a wedding, and all of their issues come to rest on the bride and groom. I think that a lot of people don't realize that until they get married themselves.