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NCshopper


Hermes

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help me sort this weird situation out in my head
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Okay, so some background will be needed here:


About 20 years ago, my grandmother died.  After that my grandfather started drinking and it looked like he'd probably drink himself to death within a few years if something didn't change (I was 5 when my grandmother died, so I didn't know any of this was going on.)  Anyway, my grandfather met this woman and married her when I was about 10.  This woman was great and treated me like her own granddaughter until I was about 15 or so.  After that I apparently was a "threat" because I took attention away from her, being my grandfather's only granddaughter.  So she started getting catty with me and my mom, but she'd always been catty with my aunt.  Anyway, things got progressively worse over the years until she was downright rude, accusing family members of stealing silverware and china, throwing away my aunt's baby photos, telling my mom she was stupid...just really hurtful things.  We basically put up with her because she gave my grandfather a reason to live and he was happy.  She gave our family years with my grandfather that we undoubtedly wouldn't have had without her--without her, he would have drank himself to death years ago. 


When my grandfather passed away two and a half years ago, the whole family, including my parents, my dad's cousins, my cousins, my aunt, my brother, etc. were sitting around talking after the funeral.  I mentioned that I thought my grandfather's passing had been a blessing for everyone--he died within two weeks of falling ill, he didn't suffer, yet everyone got some closure before he died.  So, she turns it around, and in front of the WHOLE family tells me that I've always been a selfish bitch and that I had wanted my grandfather to die slowly and painfully so that I could have closure.  Ridiculous.  I left the room, didn't say goodbye to her and haven't seen her since.  My dad has only dealt with her since then to sort out stuff with my grandfather's will.


Anyway (and sorry this is getting so long), my family came to find out that she passed away three weeks ago.  While I'm not terribly sad, it's just a weird situation.  I loved this woman for keeping my grandfather alive for 13 years, but I hated her just the same because she was just downright evil.  And I feel like I never got closure with her either.  So now I feel kinda weird.  Not sad at all, but I also kinda feel guilty for not feeling sad.  It's weird. 


I don't know what I expect to get out of posting this, but it's good to write it, I suppose.



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HeatherLynn


Gucci

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I don't have any real comments.  I just wanted to say how terrible I feel for you because it must be incredibly hard. 

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Hermione


Kate Spade

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ugh, "weird" is jsut the right word for this situation. 


i don't really know what to tell you either - i wouldn't feel guilty for not beign sad b/c it's kindof hard to feel upset when someone has been so horrible to not only you but your whole family.  i guess what you can do is be happy that she outlived your grandfather b/c it sounds like he really needed her around. 


my dad keeps telling me that his mother is going to die any day.  they originally told us this last year, and i felt so bad that i wasn't upset.  in fact, i became upset b/c i wasn't upset.  i was talking to my mom about it and actually started crying b/c i felt like such a horrible person.  she pointed out thought that i've never really known her - she's never made a real effort to be close to me - i've only met her maybe four times in my life.  she would refuse invitations to our house and we lived thousands of miles way - the only times we saw her was when we went down to see her.


people don't just get your love, they earn it.  it sounds like this woman might have had that for awhile, but threw it away.


don't feel bad that you're not sad.



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jacL


Coach

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Posts: 1862
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Don't feel bad or guilty about the way you feel.  My mother went through something similar when her dad died.  He was never a good father, or even a good man.  He disowned her before I was born, and I never even met him til I was around five years old.  Even after they patched things up, their relationship was still strained and he still acted horribly towards her.  To this day she has not cried over his death (and she is a big crier).  It is sad when anyone dies, but that doesn't mean that you have to feel sad. 


It sounds like you did all you could to love her and make peace--be content with that. 



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