STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

shopgirl82 · Chanel

Invite From a Sometimes Friend...

member · Hermes

I went through a very similiar situation a few years ago w/a friend I had all throughout grade & high school. She came in and out of my life and when she was in it, we were great friends, but she hurt me too many times by disappearing when I needed her the most (sounds similiar to your situation). In my case, I ended it and stopped talking to her completely. I have to say, I don't even miss her anymore - enough was just enough. I'm a happier person w/out her in my life..she caused too much grief and hurt feelings. I'm not saying our situations are the same, just trying to tell you I've been there and maybe this will help you. Just because your friend does this to everyone, doesn't make it ok in my opinion. So I think you know what I would do

If you want to talk, you can always PM me, but those are my two cents and my experience. HTH!

Hermes

"do i reconnect and hope to gain a friendship, among other things, or do i say enough is enough and stop this little charade to protect myself from getting hurt again?"

gosh... well, friendship is a two way street... I've had friends like this and there is only one I've hung onto, and I just tell myself to take her or leave her for what she is. I've chosen to take her, but I am always hurt, because I am always the one to initiate plans, and then she often cancels right before hand... but sometimes she comes through... I guess I've chosen to put up with it, because I don't want her out of my life completely (I've known her since I was 8 and she is the only person who is 100% accepting of me and I can tell her anything and she'll understand and agree with me). I've written her and talked to her about how I feel hurt, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've simply decided that I'll be the one to carry the friendship, and be grateful for when I do get to spend time with her. Maybe that sounds pathetic, but it's the only thing that works for me in this situation.

atlgirl · Gucci

I'm not the most patient person in the world, so understand that my response will be colored by that.

So she said she'd pick you up from the airport and YOU NEVER SAW HER ALL WEEK? She didn't return any calls? I'd be more than vacillating over whether or not I still wanted to be friends (or sort of friends), I'd be pissed as hell and I'd probably completely write her off.

To me, if I say I would pick someone up from out of town, that person is now relying on me - even if only for transportation to and from somewhere - and unless some freaky emergency or accident happened, I would be there. And if I wasn't there, you can be damned sure I wouldn't then ignore them for a week until they left town. And if someone did that to me...well, life's too short for me to put up with that type of behavior, anxiety problems or no. If she's so anxious, then she should know better than to commit to coming to get you (I am assuming you mean that she's anxious about driving or something?).

IMO if someone consistently hurts you with their behavior (and I don't mean necessarily *every* interaction is painful, but consistently over time) - male or female - and you continue to take it, then you are essentially giving them permission to continue that behavior. And if telling them (as detroit mentioned) that your hurt by it doesn't motivate them to change the behavior...well, that pretty much tells you where their priorities lie, doesn't it?

I am really trying not to be harsh on your friend, since I don't know her or all the details, but from what you've posted, she doesn't sound like all that great a friend. :(

*edited for typos

-- Edited by atlgirl at 22:47, 2005-10-31

-- Edited by atlgirl at 22:48, 2005-10-31

Hermes

some people may wonder why I've embraced the whole "he's just not that into you" train of thought - well, here's a reason - it doesn't just apply to opposite sex relationships - I understand that the friend I'm holding onto is just not that into me. if she was, she would show more interest. it doesn't mean I have to dump her (just like you don't have to dump a guy that isn't that into you) but I'm not fooling myself either - and I'm the one making the choice to stay in a relationship with this knowledge as long as I'm willing to only see her once every couple of years. I've stopped trying to get together with her since she last cancelled on me and told me she would let me know when there was a weekend that would work for her. I do have a suspicision that I will never hear from her. I do know she loves me, but is not committed to spending time talking or seeing me. It hurts, but if she's just not that into me, she's just not that into me. I don't want to force a relationship on her if she's not self-motivated to pursue it. 2 way street...

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I think the "he's just not that into you" idea is like the taoist concept of surrendering to the other person in order to win - just saying, "ok, you win, whatever you want," and then you doing what you want. No fuss. No trying to make the other person give you what you want. Like Clint Eastwood. It's hard to do, but it's something I've been trying too.

I think you should disengage from the struggle to get this friend to do what you want. It sounds like she can't handle pressure at all. If you really want to see her, maybe tell her "I'd love to see you at this time here on tuesday," or whatever, then pick an activity you could enjoy alone if she doesn't show. Then don't call her afterward or worry about her showign up at all. I'll bet she still wont' be reliable, but if it doesn't matter, she'll be better able to handle it and more likely to show up.

(Confession: I went through a stage where I did this all the time, and it was because I was worried that if I relaxed and showed people that I wanted to be around them I'd look needy and weak and they wouldn't want me. So if I worked them up through game playing, they woudl want me and I would feel safer).

stylechic17 · BCBG

First of all, I totally understand where you are coming from and all of you who has some kind of experience with those kind of friends who appears and disappears on you through out the years. I would hate it myself, too! It could be somehow associated with anxieties. But then, I have to explain from the other side. Your friend, may have anxiety, is probably not like me but I would like to input some kind of words of encouragement. I have anxiety myself. I kind of do the same thing with my friends and even my own family. I care about every one of them deeply in my heart but its just that when my anxiety hits me, I just cannot manage to face anyone on earth. Its like fear of people. It is too much at a time. I have learned about it and how to be open and tell my friends and family the exact reason why I am like this. It is something I dont have much control over. I just listen to my body and do what I feel I need. But at same time, I tell everyone about it so they can understand me better and wont hurt them next time I need some space away from people for my irrational fears of people. If you have come upon those kind of people, maybe you can have a talk with them with a open mind and find out what and why is it happening. It is not like we with anxiety are abnormal. We are just normal like everyone but we just happen to have no control over our irrational fears. I m willing to be very open and if you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to PM me or so. Thanks.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

you guys have all offered some great advice. here's my thoughts after reading you responses. i agree with detroit, there was never a problem with her before because i knew that's how she was, i took her for what she was...a sometimes friend, and it worked for me because i had no expectations. the reason it became a problem was when i needed her to be more than a sometimes friend and i raised my expectations. (isn't it funny how this is similar to a relationship with a guy?!). i was left hurt because she couldn't (or wouldn't) rise up to my expectations.

so, i'm thinking that while i like her and miss her, i don't want to play those games (hmmm, this is really sounding like a post from someone having problems with a guy ). i also think that where i'm at right now, i might be a bit more needy because i don't have a lot of "old" friends here, so i feel like i would be setting myself up for getting hurt because i don't have all those distractions that i had in college. now, when i am off work, my going out time (especially at night) is more valuable, and i don't want to be sitting around after she inevitably ditches me (that's who she is).

i'm not mad at her, i know it sounds like i should be, but that's how she is, like Dizzy said, i can't change her. i know it and i'm not going to change her. i don't feel like i got walked over when we did hang and she cancelled because i expected it from her, but now, even though i expect it from her, i don't really want that in my life right now because i know it is more likely to upset me now than it did in college.

for me, i have never been really accepting of loser guys. if something bothered me, or if they had qualities that i didn't want, i stopped dating them immediately. for my friends, i've always been a lot more accepting (as i think i should be since they are in fact friends). the problem is that no matter how you look at this, it's a toxic relationship. before it was a week here a week there and we would go without talking. now it's months before we talk, and it's major let downs (i thought as we got older we could mature a bit). anyway, maybe that's my ah-ha moment.

thanks for the advice and letting me type this out.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

stylechic17 wrote:

First of all, I totally understand where you are coming from and all of you who has some kind of experience with those kind of friends who appears and disappears on you through out the years. I would hate it myself, too! It could be somehow associated with anxieties. But then, I have to explain from the other side. Your friend, may have anxiety, is probably not like me but I would like to input some kind of words of encouragement. I have anxiety myself. I kind of do the same thing with my friends and even my own family. I care about every one of them deeply in my heart but its just that when my anxiety hits me, I just cannot manage to face anyone on earth. Its like fear of people. It is too much at a time. I have learned about it and how to be open and tell my friends and family the exact reason why I am like this. It is something I dont have much control over. I just listen to my body and do what I feel I need. But at same time, I tell everyone about it so they can understand me better and wont hurt them next time I need some space away from people for my irrational fears of people. If you have come upon those kind of people, maybe you can have a talk with them with a open mind and find out what and why is it happening. It is not like we with anxiety are abnormal. We are just normal like everyone but we just happen to have no control over our irrational fears. I m willing to be very open and if you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to PM me or so. Thanks.

oh i know. while i don't understand what you're going through, i know that it's something out of your control. but in college, she would often say that she just needs to leave, etc.. that she just can't be around people right now, and while i didn't understand what she was going through, i understood that she just needed to leave....

the problem is that she just doesn't explain it now. and weeks is different than months (almost years). before she would keep me in the loop, which, stylechic17, as someone not having anxiety issues, i think it's soo great that you do, and it really is important, even if you just send a quick text, not explaining what you're going through, but just giving a heads up. "hey right now i just need to chill by myself for a bit". i have never questioned her when she did things like that, as i'm sure it would add to her anxiety. i also was never one to call her more than once. i would call her, "hey, you still want to meet up?" and that's it. if she didn't respond, i would let her call me back. and because i cared for her, i would call her after a week and check up again, even if it was with a "go cubs" text....just to let her know that i'm not mad, and i'm thinking of her.

that's a similar cycle that we went through. but this last time was hard. and for her to randomly (like i said months, years...) pop back into my life is hard because it's not just like we catch up. we had really great and deep talks. so to open up that much and then to not hear from her for months, years...was not doing it for me anymore, and i don't know how she could open up that much and then just leave for months.

i don't know, maybe i'm not being as accepting as i should be, but there comes a time when i can't use that as an excuse anymore (although i know that it does play a significant role).

i would love to know if there's something else that i should do for her regarding her anxiety issues. i have studied anxiety and am interested it it. as cheesy as this sounds, i'm a R.N. so if you would like to take this an opportunity to educate me and others, i am always for health promotion and knowledge promotion.

Andrea Julia · Coach

Wait-did you fly there specifically to see her or were you going to be there to hang with a bunch of people? If you were going to visit her and she didn't return your calls all weekend, I would n-e-e-e-ever talk to her again, not even on Friendster or MySpace where people are prone to just add everyone they ever met and then some. If you were going to be in her area anyway and it wasn't specifically to visit her, but you planned on meeting up at some point, I would probably just add her to Friendster and talk to her there, but not make any plans to hang out. Or would only make plans to hang out if she came to your area and if you didn't have anything else to do.

I have a "friend" like this. I have known her for about 10 years and she has always been like this. Sometimes she is around a lot and returns calls and makes and keeps plans, but when she disappears, she will not call back no matter what. You could have had the worst thing ever happen to you and call 10 times in a row, and she will not respond at all. I just don't rely on her. If I have a problem, I won't even call her. I will just tell her about it the next time I happen to see her. So this is what works for me:

I never call her just to talk. Sometimes I will invite her to hang out if it is a group thing that will happen whether or not she shows. If she calls me to hang out, I will say yes, but if something else comes up, I have no problem accepting those plans instead. Most of the time, she bails anyway and doesn't even know I made other plans. When she does follow through and I've made other plans, I will either invite her along if possible or else, she is understanding and just does her own thing (probably because she does it all the time and really shouldn't get angry when she does it herself). Too many times in the first few years of knowing her, I would say no to other fun plans because I already had something planned with her and would end up sitting home on a Saturday night because she disappeared. I've stayed friends with her through the years because I know she is like this with everyone and because when she is around, she is more fun than anyone I know. So, just hanging out with her when we both happen to be around is what works for me.

So, when you are in Philly this week, just keep the attitude if you see her, you see her. Don't put in any effort.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

Andrea Julia- it's good to know that i'm not the only one with friends like this.

i made plans to visit a friend, but she called me before i left and told me how she loves driving to the airport (she always picked everyone up from breaks cuz she loves going on drives), so i was at the airport before my plane left and since i didn't hear from her, i called a different friend to pick me up. at that point i was slightly annoyed, but not really.

i don't make back up plans with anyone else when i'm supposed to hang out with her because if she didn't cancel and i had plans with someone else, i think it might be harder for her to deal because of her anxiety issues.

aghhh.. when you said that when the two of you are together it's the best time, it makes me rethink my decision!!! i do have such a good time with her too and i miss that!

maybe i haven't made up my mind yet. why couldn't this be a guy issue? then i would know exactly what to do!!!

-- Edited by shopgirl82 at 12:13, 2005-11-01

member · Hermes

Can you ask yourself this - would your life be better w/her in it (with all the headaches she may cause) or without her in it? If you can answer that, then maybe that will make up your find..but I don't know how easily you can answer it. For me, with my friend, I knew her for 10 years and it wasn't that she had anxiety or issues like that, she was just selfish and really only thought of herself, so I had enough and decided it wasn't worth the stress and hurt feelings anymore. But if you think life is better w/her around, when she is that is, then maybe continue to be friends. If not, cut the cord.