STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

lynnie · Chanel

feeling lonely...

bumblebee · Coach

aww, man. ((((hug to you)))

it sucks feeling lonely, but you will get through it. have you told your b-f all the things you posted here, about how you feel about him? maybe he isn't getting the message as clearly as you think you are giving it. after 2.5 years, it's probably worth the risk to just be really open about everything and really tell him what you are feeling.

theotherjess · Chanel

((more hugs))

I sort of know where you're coming from on the friends thing (as I write this at 8:30 on a Friday night ). I'm definitely in a transition between groups of friends right now. You just moved to a new city so I think it would be weird if you didn't feel that way. Your job sounds like so much fun. Are there people there that you can see yourself becoming close to? If it's not full time, would you ever take a part time job at a little boutique or something just to meet people (and fund some extra shopping )? I hope you feel better .

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Being lonely sucks - we've all been there. I can't help you make friends - that takes so much time. And this time in your life is when everyone feels a little isolated. But I do have some thoughts on the boyfriend:

He's put you in a double bind. The more he says "You won't want me..." The more you feel obligated to prove that you do. Any time he wants to, though, he can say that you're not doing enough. And poof, he has a perfect justification for pushing you away. So you try harder and... see the cycle? He's getting all the benefit from this interaction.

Turn it back on him. Say "If you want to believe that, despite my moving here and all the ways I've tried to show you that I care, then I guess there's nothing I can do." Make him take responsibility for his feelings. He feels like you're not doing enough. As long as you know that you have made a reasonable effort for him, it's HIS problem.

Oh, and if he says, "You can do x, y or z," and you do it and he's still not happy or pretends he never said that or it never happened or it isn't enough now... Dump him. He'll never be happy.

As for the rest of it. Enjoy it. New York is one of the few places where most things to do can be enjoyed solo. I've been in those groups that you think are out having adventures. They're just sittign around driving eachother crazy, but everyone's too scared to break out of the group. You're already out. Make it work for you...

jacL · Coach

Well, I completely agree with Dizzy's advice about your BF. From what you wrote, it is very hard for me to tell what he is thinking because it sounds like he is contradicting himself. Maybe he needs to take some time to figure out what he wants.

As for your feelings about being alone in a new city, I am going through the same thing. I am lucky because my BF moved with me and I met one really cool person (from here actually) but I haven't met too many other people. It has been hard on me too, coming from college where I didn't have a ton of friends, but the ones I did have were very close. It was easy to make friends in college, especially as a freshman when I lived in the dorms and everyone was going thru the same thing. It is so different now, but I think that is just part of growing up and finding your niche.

Some people say join a group or club, but that is hard for me because my only hobbies are watching tv, reading chick lit, and shopping. In your case, it sounds like you could meet a lot of cool people from your job. It will take awhile, but I think you should just start by asking someone to have lunch with you, then later to go shopping or out to a club, or for dinner. Once you meet one person, you will end up meeting a lot more.

I think you can do this and you will be fine--I mean you just moved to NYC! Even though your BF was there, that is so very courageous of you. You said you want to be one of those persons who live life to the fullest. Well I think you should stop dwelling on things you didn't do or things you should have done in HS or college and start living life to the fullest. If you ask me, I think you have already taken a huge step by moving to NYC. Continue in that direction and I think you will be very proud of yourself.

kenzie · Chanel

Oh, lynnie, I wish we were in the same city!! I completely understand your feelings of isolation and loneliness b/c I'm feeling them right now, too. Hang in there! {{{{hugs}}}}

lynnie · Chanel

thanks girls. i just had a great weekend and bf was very nice to me and apologized for things recently without me saying anything. He usually treats me very good but he sometimes pushes me away because he's scared to be close to people or need people- his last serious gf (and first love) from hs cheated on him repeatedly. i think this has affected him more than he lets on.
Anywhoo- I'm hoping in time I meet more people and find my niche. Sometimes I'm completely fine and sometimes I get really scared and alone- Friday night with no plans or prospects can do that to a girl. As much as I love hanging out with my bf, I don't want that to be the only person I hang out with! I need space too! Plus, in case things don't work out, i don't want to be completely alone. Its weird- sometimes I want a guy that I only want to hang out with and that i'll never get sick of, but in reality, I need space and female friends. Maybe its from watching too many romantic comedies/dramas? Its hard sometimes to NOT FIND what you're seeing in movies because you don't know if you're settling, or if it just really isn't that way, or if maybe somewhere out there, it is like the movies? I get confused with idealistic yet realistic movies.

-- Edited by lynnie at 09:06, 2005-10-31

poptart · Coach

lynnie wrote:

I get confused with idealistic yet realistic movies.-- Edited by lynnie at 09:06, 2005-10-31

This made me laugh. I know what you mean, but I think the movies are mostly just crap. For reality, I look at my happily married friends.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep doing what you feel you need to do to take care of yourself!

Chic · Marc Jacobs

I feel the same way, I have lots of good friends but I don't think that any of my friends would say I was their best friend. So you are not alone. I hate that it is so hard to find new friends when you are after college.

NCshopper · Hermes

I have no idea how I missed this post the first time around. I can completely sympathize with what you're going through.

I'm realizing that making friends after college is difficult and that you have to actually try which just isn't the case in elementary, high school, and college when your friends are the people you play sports with or go to parties with or have classes with. Post-college is just different.

And I can sympatize with you about having your SO be the only person you really have. I'm in a city where I know pretty much NO ONE. My husband left town last week to go home to Michigan for a funeral and I realized that without him here, I have no one to hang out with--which brought on a ton of other issues because I NEVER wanted to be that girl that only has her husband to hang out with. So, I need to fix that. I'm going to try to get involved in my alumni association and my sorority's alumnae (sp?) association and see how that goes.

Anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone. It's hard to make friends after college.

KaffeeKlatsch · Marc Jacobs

((((hugs upon hugs upon hugs))))

I feel lonely too...so I hope you feel less lonely than I do.

fashionista L · Coach

You are so not alone. I have only a handful of girlfiends and only a real few I talk to on a regular basis and when my guy is doing something else and my girlfriends are busy, I feel so alone, like the biggest loser ever. I hate it so much!! I just feel like I need to start enjoying being by myself and also make a few new friends, I don;t know how yet though, people are so hard to meet!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Makign friends is hard for everyone. FWIW I think there are two tricks to connecting with people as friends: 1) add value in some way. Either by being really funny, or maybe having something to share with them (it was great at my last job because I always had free food), or being a really good listener - you know how in grade school it was always easiest for the rich girl to make friends because she could just invite someone over to play with her barbie dream house? This is sort of the same idea, but in a less shallow way. You have think about what you add to their lives and try to offer something, even if it's small.

And 2) keep an eye on what sort of "state" you keep people in - do you have them laughing and happy, do they generally seem to sort of lift when they're with you, do you generally talk about things that the other person is enjoying? This is easy and natural when everything in your life is going right, but if you're down, it's really easy to be sort of a downer to be around. Plus, people are ascared off if you look like you don't have your shit together. I dont' mean you have to be pollyanna, but roll with the punches and show people you're in control of your own state so they will feel comfortable with you.

So, in practice, if there's someone you see regularly, keep an eye on what you can give her, try to figure out what she wants from people. If this is something that's comfortable for you to give, then try to give it in small ways when you see her. Don't seek her out or anything, just let it happen naturally. If she likes Jennifer Anniston, try to have a good story about Vince, things like that. Little stuff. Keep an eye on how she seems around you. People sort of light up when they like you, and turn away from you a bit when they don't. If that seems cool, then ask her to do something. She'll probably say no, but not everyoen does and even so you have your foot in the door so she'll be thinking of you in friend terms. Don't ask again, just go back to being friendly. Eventually, she will probably need to fill out a party or see you on her way somewhere or something and poof, new friend. If you keep enough of these things rolling at once, you'll always have someone to hang out with and eventually the people you have a lot in common with will stick and become good friends.

Does this make sense? Of course, I sometimes take it too far and try to give and cheer too much. You have to be authentic to yourself instead of just trying to make people feel good all the time. And you have to be able to let people decide that they don't want to hang out with you, too. If you can't take it or leave it, you want it too much and people will take advantage.