STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

nicoley · Coach

Sad....

nicoley · Coach

I forgot to add.....Since the last month or two, is when we have really been keeping in touch alot, mostly through text message, but it just seems like the more we talk the harder it is for me, and i think thats why im so sad, because we have been talking alot more lately, on top of me putting in an effort of getting him all those cool gifts and really trying to listen and be there for him, now ive again put my feelings out, and am getting hurt again, i just think its too hard for me to talk to him, as his "friend" although most of our converstations, are not just "friendly" conversations, we definitly still flirt, and it really feels like we are together like we used to be, this whole situation is just so awkward, hardest thing ive ever had to go through.

Hermione · Kate Spade

hrm, i'm not able to really concentrate on this b/c i'm at the office w/ two other people on the phone and distracting me, but it sounds to me like maybe you are just focusing on this sooo hard and kindof looking at it through rose-colored glasses- maybe you guys will work out again at some point, and maybe you won't, but don't eat your heart out over it, it's been a long time and it might not work out! just try (as much as possible) to be cool and not think about it, and see how things go when he comes to visit.

also if you are really hoping for somethign to happen or desparate for it (i don't mean for that to sound negative - i'm currently desparate for attention myself) then you may turn him off - just be confident and tell him that you're interested in trying to start it again - and see where that goes.

Hermes

I would see how it goes in November. Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder, and only lets you remember the good stuff. Again, I would wait to see how it goes in November. If you really want to give it a shot, I would talk to Kisa, as she is planning to move overseas to be with someone.

how much longer do you have in school (you are in grad school, right?)

-- Edited by detroit at 17:38, 2005-10-25

nicoley · Coach

I just started my grad program, so I have three more years :( I just can't imagine being with anyone else, and i know it doesn't help being in Columbus, all by myself, every day its the same routine, go to class, come home, study, go to class, I just wish I had someone to talk to and share my feelings with. I know the right thing to do is just wait till november, but its just hard to cope with things till then, and hold back my feelings, and try to move on with things.. I mean I have done it for the last two years, but looking back, Ive not been happy with my life the last two years either, and im just worried that things will never look up

Hermes

nicoley013 wrote:

I just started my grad program, so I have three more years :( I just can't imagine being with anyone else, and i know it doesn't help being in Columbus, all by myself, every day its the same routine, go to class, come home, study, go to class, I just wish I had someone to talk to and share my feelings with. I know the right thing to do is just wait till november, but its just hard to cope with things till then, and hold back my feelings, and try to move on with things.. I mean I have done it for the last two years, but looking back, Ive not been happy with my life the last two years either, and im just worried that things will never look up

hmmm... well, it would not be a good idea to drop your grad program right now. maybe when he comes to visit, and if it's going really well, if he would entertain the idea of moving to the states to see if it will work (I'm assuming he hasn't committed a federal offense and can come into the country and get a visa - there's tons of engineering jobs here too if that what he does for a living (just guessing))

-- Edited by detroit at 17:46, 2005-10-25

nicoley · Coach

Do you have any suggestions for how to forget about this whole situation, as the grad program I am in is very difficult and this is the last thing I should be thinking about, I really want to focus on school and my professional career, but I can't get him out of my mind and how much my situation sucks and how lonely i am.

NCshopper · Hermes

Geez, that sounds like a tough situation and I don't envy you at all.

Let me preface all of this by saying (as you said earlier) that I don't know the situation that well, but here are my observations, ideas, and hunches.

1) It sounds like you're putting him, and your relationship with him, on a pedestal. Like indiekitten said, seeing the relationship through rose colored glasses. I think we've all done this at one point or another. It's easy to remember all of the great times in the relationship, and sometimes its harder to remember the bad times, or what caused the bad times. You say he used to worship the ground you walked on--are you expecting that to happen again? I'm not saying it won't, but if you do rekindle your romance with him, be careful not to expect that your relationship is going to be idyllic 100% of the time.

2) You said he was your first real relationship. First relationships are tough to get over, especially when you're not seeing someone else. It sounds like you guys have a lot of history together and that may make it difficult to get over him.

3) You say you're lonely and you're in a new place. In situations like that of course you're going to want to spend some time with someone and have a familiar person in your life. I'd suggest getting out and about and meeting people in your classes. Do something to occupy your time, preferably with friends or another guy, and see if your feelings for him are still the same. They may be, and they may not be...who knows, but you shouldn't coop yourself up and spend the next few years (or even days) miserable just because you miss him.

Those are just some of my observations. I'm with the other girls, thinking you should wait until he visits to see what happens. I'm not telling you all this because I don't think you should see him--I'm just offering my perspective. I would just hate to see you open up your heart to him again only to be disappointed.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

hey nicoley013, thank you so much for feeling comfortable enough to tell your story. i'm sure the girls here will be able to help you feel better, i know they always help me

anyway, first of all, you're not alone. everyone i know, including myself, has felt the kind of sadness you're feeling right now. and i wish i could say there's a magic cure or that you and your ex really are destined to be together. but i really can't say any of that. what i can say is that this will get easier--if you let it.

i recently saw this secret posted on postsecret.com and the person in it said they were deciding to be happy. and i thought that was really profound because sometimes that's what you have to do--decide to be happy. and do so knowing what your life entails at this very moment.

at this moment, he's not going to be yours. he's told you in pretty unequivocal terms. and if you continue to deny yourself happiness because he's not giving you what you want or you're hung up on some magical time in the past, well imo, life is too short for that.

i know it's hard, trust me, i do. i remember feeling like i couldn't imagine my life without a certain person in it, and my guy was halfway around the world too. and it took a while but guess what? my life is a million times better without him in it right now. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying you and your guy won't end up together in the future. i'm not saying that at all. what i am saying is that all you have today is today. so make the most of it. go out today and buy yourself an ice cream cone, or watch a cheesy movie or strike up a conversation with a stranger. just try. it can't hurt, right?

-- Edited by esquiress at 18:13, 2005-10-25

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

I was in a similar situation...it was my first real boyfriend, we both worked together and he was in college. We planned our future together, and both of us thought that we would eventually get married, have kids, and all the usual stuff. Well, things deteriorated and we ended up fighting a lot. I was going through a lot in life and ended up moving 3000 miles away. When I left it was really hard, we would still see each other at work, and we both were still very much in love, but broken up due to my moving. There were a lot of tears and it just was so hard. After I moved, things really didn't improve, and I ended up unhappy living there as well. I still called him & e-mailed him & we stayed in contact, and I actually ended up moving back. I really thought in my heart that once I moved back we would be together again & that would make me happy. I also blamed myself for the breakup, thought if only I had treated him better, basically everything you were saying in your post. Anyway, I moved back, we saw each other a few times, flirted, but nothing ever materialized. Even when I lost someone very close to me, I called him and he was sympathetic but he really wasn't there for me. The last I heard from him was when he called to tell me that he was dating someone else, ouch!

Looking back now, it was such a blessing. He was not the guy for me. We broke up for a reason, and now that I'm older and hopefully a little bit wiser, I realize it was definitely a mutual thing, not just my fault. Yes, I was going through a hard time, I was down, but that's life, and when you meet someone who is mature & able to love & be loved, it works itself out. When you're down, they pick you up, when you're moody & not fun to be around, they either find a way to laugh & make you laugh, or get the heck out of the way and let you have the space you need, and then when you're ready, they're waiting to give you a hug.

Another thing I realized is that the only person who can make me happy is me. I am responsible for myself, and it's great.

Stick with school, branch out and find things to do to make you happy. Once you start taking care of yourself you will automatically meet friends, boyfriends, and have a full and happy life, I promise. It's hard work, but you're worth it. Dr. Phil has some great books, one is Self Matters. Another good book is Finding the Love You Need by Harville Hendrix.

I still sometimes think back & find myself missing him, but, I think that has a lot to do with the time we spent together, where I was in life, the fact that he was my first boyfriend, and less to do with the actual relationship itself. What you're going through is completely normal, there's nothing like a first love.

And, if in the end things still work out, then that's awesome too, but, just make sure you take care of yourself so that no matter what, you will be happy.

Maddie · Coach

Oh, God. I wish I knew what to do. I just posted like the same thing. Except your situation is somewhat more validated. I've decided to take comfort in eating a lot and getting really fat since I don't even care now.

nicoley · Coach

Im totally with you on that, ive already ate some ice cream, and may eat more later! Please keep me updated on how your doing, hopefully things will get better for you, and will give me some hope!

nicoley · Coach

I was just thinking about this, I think I went through the same thing Im going through now, about a year ago, and by not talking to him and just cutting things off, it made me forget about him and somewhat move on, well i thought about him still, but it wasn't as hard because I hadn't spoke to him at all, I think sometimes, it would be so much easier just not to speak to him, but is that the right thing to do? Just ignore him and not bother with him? To me, that may just push him away more, i dont know, just thinking out loud.... when i should be studying for biochemistry

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

do you think it's possible that your overall loneliness is intensifying your feelings of longing and nostalgia for him? I'm asking because I went through a similar thing about two years ago... I had this ex from high school who I'd had a really close, intense relationship with, and I hadn't met anyone like him or fallen in love since, and so I started thinking about him more and more and pining for him, thinking he had to be the answer to my search for the right relationship. But the thing that I was ignoring was that I was also desperately lonely in general, going through a rough phase in my life with school and work, disillusioned with dating and, as the other girls said, idealizing the relationship and chalking its problems up to youth and nothing more. So of course I contacted him and of course he had had a similar experience of dating a lot and not meeting anyone special and of course he was nostalgic for our relationship, and so we started semi-dating... it was long-distance so there was no commitment but there was a lot of "wait and see" and "after this year, if one of us moves," etc. I wanted so badly for it to be The Answer that I ignored all the indications that, wonderful as he is, he is just not the right person for me. And so at one point I decided to start dating online to try to distract myself, and, wonder of wonders, I met somebody I was absolutely crazy about, and immediately forgot all about my ex. Took him a couple months longer to completely forget about me, but this spring he fell head over heels for somebody and proposed to her after two months. So, all's well that ends well in our case, but I shudder at the thought that if things had happened differently I might have missed out on meeting my love, or he might have missed out on meeting his fiancee, because we were enmeshed in some drawn-out, ill-fated attempt at a relationship... when in fact it's obvious in hindsight that although we wanted to be right for each other, we just weren't.

Point of this long-winded story being, while I don't mean to downplay your feelings, I think it's very likely that your longing for him is greatly amplified by the fact that you are really lonely and isolated from everyone you know, and haven't met anyone who enthralls you as much as he did. If he were willing to give it a shot even with the distance I would say you should try it, but he seems to have reservations, and for good reason, and since you can't do anything about that I would say, like the other girls, to throw yourself into trying to meet new people. I mean, even if you don't fall in love with someone else, meeting fun people is going to make you feel 1,000 times better, regardless of what happens with him. Try really hard to distract yourself however you can--because obsessing about him is doing nothing but making you feel worse, right?